Snarf

I had originally posted this message in sobermax's "Sponsor" thread, but HumbleBee suggested I start my own thread. So I did. Below are my original post and HumbleBee's response (thanks HB!).

Me:

"Speaking of sponsors, I have an issue in that area, if anyone could offer any suggestions. My sponsor is moving to Florida, so I'm going to need to find a new one. This is something I'm struggling with. I'm a pretty private person, in that I have a pretty close circle of friends and family, people I've known for a really long time. I don't let others in that easily, and I have issues trusting people, because I've seen first hand that many people are not who they appear to be (I was this person for a long time). So I'm having difficulty choosing a sponsor, because I really want that person to be a big part of my life. I view AA as a spiritual program, and I believe my problem of alcoholism had and has a spiritual solution. So my sponsor will in effect be sort of a spirit guide to me, and someone I would like to be able to introduce to my fiancee, family and friends, should the situation ever present itself. Am I being too picky or choosy? I know of sponsor-sponsee relationships that have deteriorated, and I don't want to be faced with that situation. "

HumbleBee:

"You might want to start your own thread on this one so it gets the attention it deserves, Snarf.

But since I'm here and you asked, imho, your sponsor should absolutely
!rock! and no haste should be taken in getting one just to say you have one.

I'd rather postpone step work and wait to go through it with the right sponsor than hastily choose a sponsor whose experience, strength and hope was something I did not want to have.

I speak from experience on this one.

P.S. Does your current sponsor have any recommendations? What about his/her sponsor? In the past, when my sponsor went out of town or whatever, I was always given access to my sponsor's sponsor as a substitute. I liked that alot."

Snarf

HB, that's kinda where I'm coming from. When I first went to AA 4 years ago, I accepted a white chip and was bombarded by people after the meeting. "What's your name? Need a sponsor? Get a sponsor." So I ended up leaving that meeting with a sponsor I had just met. It didn't work out well.

When I went back to AA 77 days ago, I talked to people after the meetings, but I waited and found the right dude to be my guy. We have a really good relationship, and it kinda sucks that he has to leave. But it's the right move for him, so that makes me happy. But he hasn't really recommended anyone to me. He's very different, for lack of a better word. He really marches to the beat of his own drum and is a very spiritual cat, it informs everything he does. And his approach to AA and the Steps are very unique, and personal, and I enjoy it very much. We have a really good connection.

A lot of the guys at AA have long sobriety, but are just miserable people. I don't want that in my life. They say, "Look man. I've been sober 20 years. Do what I say, 'cause I've done it, and it works." Well, that's fine and good at all, but if being sober means being like you, I don't want it. That's not what I'm looking for.

I'm committed to not drinking. I'm very determined and my sponsor gives me suggestions and such, but allows me lots of room to work the Steps on my own. Of course, he guides me, and I ask him questions all the time, but he sort of sets me down a path and lets me find my way down to the end of it. I'm concerned about not having that type of relationship with my next sponsor. Guess it's something I'll have to pray a lot about. I'll probably try to branch out and attend some different meetings, so I can meet different guys and form new relationships. But I have to have faith that things will work out the way they are supposed to.

Brucel

Hey snarf,
my first sponsor was just like the dude you were discribing. Matter of fact the guys I sponsor now I try to let them find their own path in recovery. If they stumble or are stuck then we grab our fishing poles and find a good hole and work thru it. Those guys are everywhere in meetings. My biggest stumbling block was my expectations of the "new guy". He has not and will never be the old guy. But my new sponsor still has what I want and although he's not Harry, he still helps me stay sober and free, and ain't that the point. God Bless

intention

Hi Snarf

I think wanting to introduce your sponsor to family and friends is irrelevant. If you keep this in mind when choosing a sponsor you are likely to be looking for a friend, rather than a sponsor.

I like to keep things simple. Look at Step 12 (this is the work sponsors do) and it says

Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps we tried to carry this message to alcoholics.....

So I would suggest that you find a sponsor who has had a spiritual awakening from working the steps and can show you how.

I think evidence of the spiritual awakening can be seen through the step 9 and 10 promises from bottom of p83 to "spiritual condition" on p85. I recommend you read them, then look out for people sharing these promises in their life rather than looking at their length of sobriety (as you have noticed there are plenty with many years sober who are not happy, maybe they have not had a spiritual awakening).

Going to different meetings is a good idea. Asking your current sponsor for a recommendation is another good idea. Praying for guidance is another good idea.

I would also suggest you keep an open mind if you pray. God may just put the perfect sponsor in your way but if you keep in mind how you want to work the steps or what you think you sponsor should be like, you are likely to miss the opportunity.
Good luck.

Snarf

Thanks, intention. I'm definitely keeping an open mind. That's how I found my current sponsor. I prayed on it, and didn't push anything, and one day at a meeting I really liked some things the meeting leader had to say. I thought about a lot of it that night and prayed about it. Next day, I walked into the meeting room and tried to pick a seat. Out of over 100 seats, one stood out to me. Like something (my HP, I'm guessing) said to me, "Pick that seat right there." So I did. 2 minutes later, the dude I had seen the previous day walked in and sat in the seat 2 over from me. I took that as a sign, talked to him after the meeting, got his number and even gave him a ride home. It was just easy. No pressure, we had a good talk, and he told me to get the literature and give him a call if I ever was looking for help working through the steps. I called him later that evening and the rest is history.

That's why I'm trying not to worry too much about this issue. I'm doing the things I need to be doing, and I pray and have faith that things will work out the way they need to. It seems like when I let go and allow my God to work in my life, things are orchestrated for me and end up going exactly the way they should go. So I have faith that everything will work out and I'll find the right sponsor. I guess I'm just a little anxious about it.

intention

Hi Snarf

Yes, that's it. That's how it happens. I am sure your higher power has a person in mind for you, if you just do the work, wait and look out for the signs. I like to think of it as God is directing this show now, I just follow the cues when they appear.

I've just shared exactly this at a meeting I have just been to.

The letting go takes some practice for a control freak like me but the results are amazing when I do. Everything just seems to work out, and it is usually because I have ended up taking action which is the complete opposite of what I would normally have done, because that is what the cue led me to.

Let us know when you find your new sponsor. I shall be interested to hear the story of how it happens.