Saying the same thing, over and over. When do we stop?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 2
Saying the same thing, over and over. When do we stop?
I just found this site a week or so ago. Thank you to everyone for sharing their experience, strength and hope. So many posts have brought me great comfort.
I can't get into my story too much right now, except to say I have been married to my AH for just over a year, and I left him last Sunday.
I've been in Al-Anon for almost a year, trying to heal myself and figure out whether or not I can accept my life with my husband if he continues drinking. I can't.
From the beginning, we've talked about having a child together, but I realized quickly that I couldn't do that with someone who actively drinks. I've explained this to my AH and have explained to him that over the past six months, I've been trying to figure out whether or not I could be OK with not having a child, if it meant I could stay in our marriage. I now know I can't do that either.
I've told my AH time and time again (because I figure he'll eventually hear what I'm saying, right?
) that his drinking is a huge problem in our relationship. But what I get back is anger that I am issuing ultimatums and that he "will not capitulate, even if it means ending our relationship." Huh?
Last night, the two of us were texting back and forth (and yes, I know that wasn't a good idea), and he was angry and saying stuff that I had to work really hard at not reacting to. He ended by telling me that we needed to meet face to face to each share our current positions, where we want to go, and how we think we can get there. Because (and I quote), "when you say you are leaving... I believe you."
I think what's going on here is that my husband thinks my leaving is a negotiating tactic. It probably doesn't seem like I've really left, because I keep telling him how much I love him and want to be with him. My own attempts to manipulate him into seeing that he needs to do something, perhaps.
But, the fact is, he should believe me. I left.
I don't know what to do, and I know no one is going to give me advice. What I also know is that I bet a gazillion dollars I am not the only person who's been faced with this situation. So I am hoping someone will have something to share.
More than anything, I love this man. And don't want our marriage to be over. But I've talked to him, time and time again, about what I need for the two of us to move forward together, in the right direction. So why I am feeling I need to have this conversation again? And should I even bother?
Thanks,
Saffy
I can't get into my story too much right now, except to say I have been married to my AH for just over a year, and I left him last Sunday.
I've been in Al-Anon for almost a year, trying to heal myself and figure out whether or not I can accept my life with my husband if he continues drinking. I can't.
From the beginning, we've talked about having a child together, but I realized quickly that I couldn't do that with someone who actively drinks. I've explained this to my AH and have explained to him that over the past six months, I've been trying to figure out whether or not I could be OK with not having a child, if it meant I could stay in our marriage. I now know I can't do that either.
I've told my AH time and time again (because I figure he'll eventually hear what I'm saying, right?
) that his drinking is a huge problem in our relationship. But what I get back is anger that I am issuing ultimatums and that he "will not capitulate, even if it means ending our relationship." Huh?Last night, the two of us were texting back and forth (and yes, I know that wasn't a good idea), and he was angry and saying stuff that I had to work really hard at not reacting to. He ended by telling me that we needed to meet face to face to each share our current positions, where we want to go, and how we think we can get there. Because (and I quote), "when you say you are leaving... I believe you."
I think what's going on here is that my husband thinks my leaving is a negotiating tactic. It probably doesn't seem like I've really left, because I keep telling him how much I love him and want to be with him. My own attempts to manipulate him into seeing that he needs to do something, perhaps.
But, the fact is, he should believe me. I left.
I don't know what to do, and I know no one is going to give me advice. What I also know is that I bet a gazillion dollars I am not the only person who's been faced with this situation. So I am hoping someone will have something to share.
More than anything, I love this man. And don't want our marriage to be over. But I've talked to him, time and time again, about what I need for the two of us to move forward together, in the right direction. So why I am feeling I need to have this conversation again? And should I even bother?
Thanks,
Saffy
A Pirate looks at 40
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Southeast of Disorder (FL)
Posts: 264
you are in the right place. You will get a lot of good advice here. When you tell him you still love him and want to be with him, do you also end that with telling him it will never happen while he has the drinking problem?
Also that you will file for divorce? Reason I ask is after you mentioned that you also stated he should believe you. He not believe you unless you make it clear you mean business.
Also that you will file for divorce? Reason I ask is after you mentioned that you also stated he should believe you. He not believe you unless you make it clear you mean business.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Reality, NJ
Posts: 853
Hi..I can only tell you my story. I thought I loved my AH to pieces..turns out I was addicted to the pain he caused. This disease is a progressive one. He went from being a loyal drunk to having the FBI after him, 2 rehabs and cheating on me. My sweet husband died somewhere along the way and the disease took over. I never ever thought he was capable of these things as we were together 8 years and married 3 years. I ended up walking away. I did everything possible to keep my marriage alive..Went to AA mtgs with him, marriage counseling, church, stood by thru it all and this is what he did. No contact anymore and I have to say I am getting happier and healthier every day.
Hugs
Lulu
Hugs
Lulu
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
You're having the same conversation because you're not quite ready to let go of the dream. When you are ready, you'll just walk away and stop checking in with him. Perhaps you think that at some point, he'll give you the validation you're seeking...
You may "love this man", but ask yourself if you love him totally and completely as he is today, drinking and all. That's the only person he's willing to be. Perhaps you only love the image you've created of him and not who he is actually.
All this is a process. It takes time. Be gentle with yourself and keep posting
You may "love this man", but ask yourself if you love him totally and completely as he is today, drinking and all. That's the only person he's willing to be. Perhaps you only love the image you've created of him and not who he is actually.
All this is a process. It takes time. Be gentle with yourself and keep posting
Climbing hills, flying down...
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: By the Sea
Posts: 565
All good advice on here...
Welcome to SR, Saffy...
I can only share my experience, which is a little different from yours in that the alcoholic in my life is my sister, but it is the same in that my experience with the disease mirrors your experience. What I've learned so far:
1.) In my experience, you cannot reason with an active alcoholic. You are wasting your breath. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but there is no point in trying while he/she is drinking. There is no point in begging, pleading, or trying to reason or attempting to have a normal conversation about a future together with an active drinker. It will leave you frustrated, angry, and further enmeshed in the maddening cycle that is alcoholism. Because the alcoholic isn't ready to move on, he/she will do everything in their power to keep you involved in the cycle. This is what my sister does.
2.) What we can do is learn how to engage with the alcoholic in the way that is best for US. I have come to the realization that I cannot have a relationship with my sister while she is actively drinking. It makes me sad, but I know that I lost my sister years ago. I hope she will stop drinking someday, but I cannot let her problems drag me down with her.
You have a right to your own feelings, perceptions, and beliefs. lt sounds like you are unhappy with the current situation, and you want to do something to change it. He does not sound like he is ready to change, and nothing you say or do is going to change that.
Take it one step at a time, and keep posting. You don't have to live with his choices.
Sending you good thoughts and hugs.
Welcome to SR, Saffy...
I can only share my experience, which is a little different from yours in that the alcoholic in my life is my sister, but it is the same in that my experience with the disease mirrors your experience. What I've learned so far:
1.) In my experience, you cannot reason with an active alcoholic. You are wasting your breath. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but there is no point in trying while he/she is drinking. There is no point in begging, pleading, or trying to reason or attempting to have a normal conversation about a future together with an active drinker. It will leave you frustrated, angry, and further enmeshed in the maddening cycle that is alcoholism. Because the alcoholic isn't ready to move on, he/she will do everything in their power to keep you involved in the cycle. This is what my sister does.
2.) What we can do is learn how to engage with the alcoholic in the way that is best for US. I have come to the realization that I cannot have a relationship with my sister while she is actively drinking. It makes me sad, but I know that I lost my sister years ago. I hope she will stop drinking someday, but I cannot let her problems drag me down with her.
You have a right to your own feelings, perceptions, and beliefs. lt sounds like you are unhappy with the current situation, and you want to do something to change it. He does not sound like he is ready to change, and nothing you say or do is going to change that.
Take it one step at a time, and keep posting. You don't have to live with his choices.
Sending you good thoughts and hugs.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
Once I decided to leave, dh wanted to discuss it. A really good friend occupied me during the time we were supposed to talk about it, and so I never had to talk about it again. That is the only way I was able to end it. By not continuing to engage.
If you want him to know that this is not a point of negotiating, then stop talking to him. They know how to manipulate us with their words.
This is a hard period, and I sympathize with you.
If you want him to know that this is not a point of negotiating, then stop talking to him. They know how to manipulate us with their words.
This is a hard period, and I sympathize with you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Somewhere cold and flat
Posts: 148
I'm in the seperation period as well. It is very hard. You sound like a strong person that is taking some wise steps toward keeping yourself healthy. This board is filled with people in your shoes or that have been through it. Tons of great imput here. I'm going through the blaming and denial period too. My husband sees my leaving as me threatening him. It is a survival tactic for me and a way to keep myself and my kids healthy. He doesn't understand this. I wish he did. Welcome!
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I do know what you mean, it is like a continuous loop, same words over & over again.
When you get tired enough of the entire situation, you'll just stop trying to reason with an unreasonable person, the talking will be over, and the healing will begin.
It doesn't appear that you have had enough yet, when you are ready you will know it.
In the meantime keep posting, it will help.
When you get tired enough of the entire situation, you'll just stop trying to reason with an unreasonable person, the talking will be over, and the healing will begin.
It doesn't appear that you have had enough yet, when you are ready you will know it.
In the meantime keep posting, it will help.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 2
Thank you, everyone, for your wisdom and words. It's funny .... I've spent the last few weeks wondering about signs. Actually, worrying about whether I'm going to see the signs when I get them. I've been spending a lot of time asking myself, "is this a sign?" "How about this?" "Maybe this is what I've been waiting for?"
I think I was waiting for someone to knock me over the head with something. "Here's your sign, Saffy!"
<sigh> This is really hard.
I think I was waiting for someone to knock me over the head with something. "Here's your sign, Saffy!"
<sigh> This is really hard.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
Hi Saffy,
Welcome to SR! It's been a lifeline here for me, and I haven't been here that long but have grown a LOT in a short time, something that would have felt totally impossible w/o the kind of support I get here.
There's a lot of wisdom here, as you probably have already read. From my story I just wanted to chime in on the chorus of the "conversations are a waste of breath per my experience." Oh, the HOURS of "talking things through" didn't amount to anything in the relationship with my exA, but it was useful for me...I learned I was truly wasting my breath and that the behaviors weren't going to get better (they were getting worse in a hurry). I learned that being on my own was a much better option.
You wouldn't believe the stuff I'm accomplishing now, and it's all because I have the time to MYSELF, not chasing some disagreement around and around and around again...
Keep reading, you're doing great, it's all a process. Deep breaths...
posie
Welcome to SR! It's been a lifeline here for me, and I haven't been here that long but have grown a LOT in a short time, something that would have felt totally impossible w/o the kind of support I get here.
There's a lot of wisdom here, as you probably have already read. From my story I just wanted to chime in on the chorus of the "conversations are a waste of breath per my experience." Oh, the HOURS of "talking things through" didn't amount to anything in the relationship with my exA, but it was useful for me...I learned I was truly wasting my breath and that the behaviors weren't going to get better (they were getting worse in a hurry). I learned that being on my own was a much better option.
You wouldn't believe the stuff I'm accomplishing now, and it's all because I have the time to MYSELF, not chasing some disagreement around and around and around again...
Keep reading, you're doing great, it's all a process. Deep breaths...
posie
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by nodaybut2day 
That's the only person he's willing to be. Perhaps you only love the image you've created of him and not who he is actually.
Thanks!
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
You're having the same conversation because you're not quite ready to let go of the dream. When you are ready, you'll just walk away and stop checking in with him. Perhaps you think that at some point, he'll give you the validation you're seeking...
You may "love this man", but ask yourself if you love him totally and completely as he is today, drinking and all. That's the only person he's willing to be. Perhaps you only love the image you've created of him and not who he is actually.
All this is a process. It takes time. Be gentle with yourself and keep posting
Love this post; thanks, noday!
Saffy, if you read my history, I'm right there with you. Married 3 years. No kids. I'm 36 (stb 37) and he's 39. We were going to have kids.
You took action, girlfriend! Power to the (alanon) people!
I am feeling like my AH has a final chance to *totally change* or I give.
Chances of a person totally changing for someone else?
Yah. I know.
I feel you.
You're doing a good job.
Hang in there.
Peace
You may "love this man", but ask yourself if you love him totally and completely as he is today, drinking and all. That's the only person he's willing to be. Perhaps you only love the image you've created of him and not who he is actually.
All this is a process. It takes time. Be gentle with yourself and keep posting
Love this post; thanks, noday!
Saffy, if you read my history, I'm right there with you. Married 3 years. No kids. I'm 36 (stb 37) and he's 39. We were going to have kids.
You took action, girlfriend! Power to the (alanon) people!
I am feeling like my AH has a final chance to *totally change* or I give.
Chances of a person totally changing for someone else?
Yah. I know.
I feel you.
You're doing a good job.
Hang in there.
Peace
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