dating and trusting advice
today4me
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 311
dating and trusting advice
OK - everyone I've been quietly awaiting the opportunity to date and I had one early this week, but she cancelled. I have my hunches why - my faith. I met her at the club pool on Saturday and asked her out Monday.
Here is my question though. I don't trust her! Or, I think she has lied about a particular thing. She's super tanned and I mentioned to her that she must go to the tanning bed. She said no. The next day when I saw here again I asked specifically if she has ever used a tan bed. She replied well yes a few times this past winter to avoid depression.
So, I feel like I'm super-picky now because of the past lies discovered from the XAGF. I don't mess around now - meaning I'm not afraid to ask tough questions or voice my opinion. I just get the feeling she lied. I mean ever her breasts (she was wearing a bathing suit) were tanned and no visible tan line was noticed.
I asked her out for a lunch date Tuesday and she said maybe, but then later did not return a phone call to confirm it. I don't like being jittery, hoping for some insight.
Here is my question though. I don't trust her! Or, I think she has lied about a particular thing. She's super tanned and I mentioned to her that she must go to the tanning bed. She said no. The next day when I saw here again I asked specifically if she has ever used a tan bed. She replied well yes a few times this past winter to avoid depression.
So, I feel like I'm super-picky now because of the past lies discovered from the XAGF. I don't mess around now - meaning I'm not afraid to ask tough questions or voice my opinion. I just get the feeling she lied. I mean ever her breasts (she was wearing a bathing suit) were tanned and no visible tan line was noticed.
I asked her out for a lunch date Tuesday and she said maybe, but then later did not return a phone call to confirm it. I don't like being jittery, hoping for some insight.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Woman advice for 2 cents:
1. Don't ask women things about beauty or weight. We are all lovely and mysterious and wake up looking flawless. Don't question us about this. You can observe later on.
2. Why are you confirming a date? This isn't work. It is social.
3. If you asked her about tanning, you might have embarrassed her and she didn't want to go out with someone "grilling" her about her tan.
4. Asking tough questions and voicing your opininon is fine once you know someone, but it is very intense for someone you hardly know. You are trying to socially date, not interrogate.
5. Be light about dating. You are getting to know someone, not marry them. Take things one step at a time. There is no way to know for sure if someone is a crazy lying A when you just meet them a pool. If you are attracted to someone then just ask for coffee, a drink or a meal. No probing personal questions until you actually score date and are on it.
6. Be easy on yourself. We all have a learning curve and it takes time to be comfortable with ourselves after a traumatic relationship.
Why do you think your faith is the issue? If it is, then that is a dealbreaker for many. I don't care what religion someone is, but to marry and have kids, I want them to be the same as me.
1. Don't ask women things about beauty or weight. We are all lovely and mysterious and wake up looking flawless. Don't question us about this. You can observe later on.
2. Why are you confirming a date? This isn't work. It is social.
3. If you asked her about tanning, you might have embarrassed her and she didn't want to go out with someone "grilling" her about her tan.
4. Asking tough questions and voicing your opininon is fine once you know someone, but it is very intense for someone you hardly know. You are trying to socially date, not interrogate.
5. Be light about dating. You are getting to know someone, not marry them. Take things one step at a time. There is no way to know for sure if someone is a crazy lying A when you just meet them a pool. If you are attracted to someone then just ask for coffee, a drink or a meal. No probing personal questions until you actually score date and are on it.
6. Be easy on yourself. We all have a learning curve and it takes time to be comfortable with ourselves after a traumatic relationship.
Why do you think your faith is the issue? If it is, then that is a dealbreaker for many. I don't care what religion someone is, but to marry and have kids, I want them to be the same as me.
today4me
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 311
Originally Posted by MissFixit 
Why do you think your faith is the issue? If it is, then that is a dealbreaker for many. I don't care what religion someone is, but to marry and have kids, I want them to be the same as me.
I agree - a date is a date and not to look any further than that. Feels great though to move on and have self confidence. It was so funny how she came over to ask me help move a pool chair for her. I wasn't even looking to date! I caught the hint though after she stopped me walking by her twice. She's nice and I look forward to the opportunity to ask her out again.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Anywhere but here...
Posts: 227
I think you need a little more time to heal. Dating should be fun, not an interrogation. If you already have trust issues, then spend more time with yourself in the word.
And, for the record, woman do NOT respond well when you are questioning us about our bodies, tans, clothes, etc. Being critical, or confrontational does NOT put a woman at ease!
Take it easy on yourself, and just get to know you better. A fake tan should not be a dealbreaker!
And, for the record, woman do NOT respond well when you are questioning us about our bodies, tans, clothes, etc. Being critical, or confrontational does NOT put a woman at ease!
Take it easy on yourself, and just get to know you better. A fake tan should not be a dealbreaker!
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
honestly? she's cancelled one date, said "maybe" to another, and then failed to return a call to change a "maybe" into an actual date.
I'd be leaving the ball in her court now, and probably chalking it up to experience as one where you didn't click. Good on you for having the courage to ask her out, but keep it slow and light.
I might well freak if someone I just met kept going on about my tan, you know, it could come across as a little creepy. Especially if you were trying to catch her out in a lie, your query might well have an edge or an undertone, that she couldn't place and felt uncomfy about.
JMHO
I'd be leaving the ball in her court now, and probably chalking it up to experience as one where you didn't click. Good on you for having the courage to ask her out, but keep it slow and light.
I might well freak if someone I just met kept going on about my tan, you know, it could come across as a little creepy. Especially if you were trying to catch her out in a lie, your query might well have an edge or an undertone, that she couldn't place and felt uncomfy about.
JMHO
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
I have my hunches why - my faith
You're assuming a lot here. And if you just met her, the topic of faith can be a very personal one. Not everyone follows the same path and has their own beliefs. Yours don't make you right, hers don't make her right....but if you come across as if there is only one way to believe, then yes, that can be hugely intimidating, and controlling. Not saying you did that...but why faith would even be in your mind as a reason after one conversation leads to that it was brought up.
Second, you said very plainly you don't trust her....exclaimation point.
Well, women (and men) can sense this. And though you may not have felt like you came across in an interrogating distrustful way, we are often not aware of our own tone of voice, the way we say things, our mannerisms and our behavior. But someone else can see this and we give off very telling information about ourselves without even knowing it.
I would take some more time with yourself and not force dating or a date. Just let it be. This small event has clearly made you uncomfortable. Sloooowwww down.
You're assuming a lot here. And if you just met her, the topic of faith can be a very personal one. Not everyone follows the same path and has their own beliefs. Yours don't make you right, hers don't make her right....but if you come across as if there is only one way to believe, then yes, that can be hugely intimidating, and controlling. Not saying you did that...but why faith would even be in your mind as a reason after one conversation leads to that it was brought up.
Second, you said very plainly you don't trust her....exclaimation point.
Well, women (and men) can sense this. And though you may not have felt like you came across in an interrogating distrustful way, we are often not aware of our own tone of voice, the way we say things, our mannerisms and our behavior. But someone else can see this and we give off very telling information about ourselves without even knowing it.
I would take some more time with yourself and not force dating or a date. Just let it be. This small event has clearly made you uncomfortable. Sloooowwww down.
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
If you find yourself dating her in the future, you might mention that you have just emerged from a bad relationship with an active alcoholic and might be a little paranoid about things. That might put her at ease if you find yourself questioning her honesty. It is unusual to be such a stickler about something like a tan.
And, her awareness of your past difficulties will help her understand you better....
And, her awareness of your past difficulties will help her understand you better....
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 545
tpen... "I've been quietly awaiting the opportunity to date".
To me this sounds like a snake in the grass just waiting to pounce on it's prey. Yikes!
Pardon me if I'm out of line...
I am glad to hear you over your past relationship... well enough to think about moving on.... but when someone begins to date... you do it with confidence.... confidence that you are well and don't need someone else to fill a gaping hole left by the last relationship that left us wounded. (i.e. trust)
Only when you ARE confident and your baggage issues have been resolved... that's when you are healthy to date. If you still have issues with trust.... you're not ready to date.... take care of yourself.... make yourself the best that you can be.... then go BOLDLY and have fun.... in the meantime... don't make someone else pay for the sins of another.
My two cents.
To me this sounds like a snake in the grass just waiting to pounce on it's prey. Yikes!
Pardon me if I'm out of line...
I am glad to hear you over your past relationship... well enough to think about moving on.... but when someone begins to date... you do it with confidence.... confidence that you are well and don't need someone else to fill a gaping hole left by the last relationship that left us wounded. (i.e. trust)
Only when you ARE confident and your baggage issues have been resolved... that's when you are healthy to date. If you still have issues with trust.... you're not ready to date.... take care of yourself.... make yourself the best that you can be.... then go BOLDLY and have fun.... in the meantime... don't make someone else pay for the sins of another.
My two cents.
today4me
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 311
I would of never known though unless I tried - asking for a lunch date that is. Waiting for the opportunity to date - meaning excited.
I've found posts sometimes are so hard to interpret. I am not a snake in the grass. Come on now? LOL. Geepers, some of you read your posts earlier about getting out and about. That's all I'm trying to do. A lunch date is pretty simple.
Bottom line...........still have trust issues and admitting it is a very good step forward.
I've found posts sometimes are so hard to interpret. I am not a snake in the grass. Come on now? LOL. Geepers, some of you read your posts earlier about getting out and about. That's all I'm trying to do. A lunch date is pretty simple.
Bottom line...........still have trust issues and admitting it is a very good step forward.
today4me
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 311
Originally Posted by Hammerhead
tpen... "I've been quietly awaiting the opportunity to date".
in the meantime... don't make someone else pay for the sins of another.
My two cents.
in the meantime... don't make someone else pay for the sins of another.
My two cents.
Thanks everyone again for the insight now and previously on alcoholism. I am wiser and stronger because of it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 545
Originally Posted by tpen
I think I may take a break from this site again. Reviewing this statement is very "out-of-line".
Thanks everyone again for the insight now and previously on alcoholism. I am wiser and stronger because of it.
Thanks everyone again for the insight now and previously on alcoholism. I am wiser and stronger because of it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 545
Originally Posted by tpen
I would of never known though unless I tried - asking for a lunch date that is. Waiting for the opportunity to date - meaning excited.
I've found posts sometimes are so hard to interpret. I am not a snake in the grass. Come on now? LOL. Geepers, some of you read your posts earlier about getting out and about. That's all I'm trying to do. A lunch date is pretty simple.
Bottom line...........still have trust issues and admitting it is a very good step forward.
I've found posts sometimes are so hard to interpret. I am not a snake in the grass. Come on now? LOL. Geepers, some of you read your posts earlier about getting out and about. That's all I'm trying to do. A lunch date is pretty simple.
Bottom line...........still have trust issues and admitting it is a very good step forward.
Some folks view dating differently. I see dating not as an activity to fill in my calendar... but time spent with a worthwhile person... one worth getting to know better... no matter where it leads to.
In an ideal world... the healthy way two people should ever get together is if they are both WHOLE and HEALTHY... neither looking for the other to do something for them.. or fill in an absence.
When someone asks me out... my first thought... who is this person and what do they bring to the table (good, bad and ugly)... that's not being shallow... that's being healthy.
Take care.
*no offense intended... none taken.
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Hey man, the way you describe noticing tan lines around her breast and making it clear to her seemed a little on the creepy side to me. Maybe you had to be there and it wasn't creepy at all, just sayin.
Don't run off, just a internet forum thing.
Don't run off, just a internet forum thing.
today4me
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 311
Originally Posted by Jazzman
Hey man, the way you describe noticing tan lines around her breast and making it clear to her seemed a little on the creepy side to me. Maybe you had to be there and it wasn't creepy at all, just sayin.
Don't run off, just a internet forum thing.
Don't run off, just a internet forum thing.
I give up! Goodbye everyone!
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
Hmm, yeah I'd chalk this one up to lessons learned. We women are already nervous about our looks on early dates with someone new. Plus there is a huge difference in 'lying' about our beauty secrets and lying about things we do that may hurt others. One isn't indicative of the other.
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