Special date this weekend; nervous he's going to show up
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 594
Special date this weekend; nervous he's going to show up
So, this weekend is special for me. I know I should just be looking forward to the occasion, but all week I've been feeling down and irritable. I'm having that horrible feeling again that he's going to show up at my door. When I had that feeling last time, he did.
I know his therapist told him to not show up here. I'm just getting this feeling that he's going to do it anyway. I hope I'm wrong.
I think I'm even more nervous because I'll have company all weekend. I'm always nervous to face the horribly sad emotions I feel when I see xabf, but I'm particularly nervous to have to face that AND the awkwardness of having to explain it to others. Ugh. I HATE not feeling totally safe at home. Not safe like I might be in danger, just safe as in, safe to feel relaxed and peaceful.
It's such a long process detaching from an alcoholic. He hasn't let go easily and I know I sure haven't.
Well, I'll let you all know what happens, if anything indeed does happen. Keep your fingers crossed for me that nothing will happen and I'll get to enjoy my special day.
Hope everyone has a great weekend planned!
I know his therapist told him to not show up here. I'm just getting this feeling that he's going to do it anyway. I hope I'm wrong.
I think I'm even more nervous because I'll have company all weekend. I'm always nervous to face the horribly sad emotions I feel when I see xabf, but I'm particularly nervous to have to face that AND the awkwardness of having to explain it to others. Ugh. I HATE not feeling totally safe at home. Not safe like I might be in danger, just safe as in, safe to feel relaxed and peaceful.
It's such a long process detaching from an alcoholic. He hasn't let go easily and I know I sure haven't.
Well, I'll let you all know what happens, if anything indeed does happen. Keep your fingers crossed for me that nothing will happen and I'll get to enjoy my special day.
Hope everyone has a great weekend planned!
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Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
serenity prayer applies KP
you are safe to feel relaxed and peaceful in your own home if you choose, anxiety will not change whether he turns up or not.
try to let it go and release yourself from ruining your time worrying about something that may not happen, and that you can't control anyway.
If he comes, and you are there, and are sad, that is fine, I understand not wanting to be sad but part of the codependent pattern of behaviours is twisting ourselves into painful, unhelpful, damaging, contorted situations and beliefs in order to avoid the discomfort of feelings that we are afraid of. If you feel sad, feel sad, you may surprise yourself and not feel too bad.
Sometimes when in a pit of despair I feel as if my feelings will be so painful, I will literally implode or expire with their sheer force. If you feel that bad, that afraid, then get help, your own therapist or primary care physician, if not then please beleive me that your feelings are just tha: feelings and they will not kill you.
you don't owe any company any explanations even if you break down howling in the street, and perhaps you could use their support IF he turns up.
One way that helps me release myself from worrying was recognising that my brain was used to worrying/predicting, it was an art, combined with hypervigilance to the attitudes and behaviours and feelings of others that I had developed in order to keep me safe.
Once I had removed the stressor from my life that I previously had "needed" to worry about my brain still lept into that well-worn path of thinking, because it didn't yet have new patterns to follow, or the new patterns weren't quite as strong as the old ones yet.
so I could "forgive" my brain for doing this, it isn't a fundamental flaw of mine, just a habit of thinking, and then, recognising that this is a thinking pattern that no longer helps me (because it doesn't change the outcome, and ruins my present) I could stop the thinking, chant the serenity prayer if necessary and commit to having a good time no matter what outside events occurred.
you can choose to let go, but it is a process that we have to practice
have a lovely weekend
you are safe to feel relaxed and peaceful in your own home if you choose, anxiety will not change whether he turns up or not.
try to let it go and release yourself from ruining your time worrying about something that may not happen, and that you can't control anyway.
If he comes, and you are there, and are sad, that is fine, I understand not wanting to be sad but part of the codependent pattern of behaviours is twisting ourselves into painful, unhelpful, damaging, contorted situations and beliefs in order to avoid the discomfort of feelings that we are afraid of. If you feel sad, feel sad, you may surprise yourself and not feel too bad.
Sometimes when in a pit of despair I feel as if my feelings will be so painful, I will literally implode or expire with their sheer force. If you feel that bad, that afraid, then get help, your own therapist or primary care physician, if not then please beleive me that your feelings are just tha: feelings and they will not kill you.
you don't owe any company any explanations even if you break down howling in the street, and perhaps you could use their support IF he turns up.
One way that helps me release myself from worrying was recognising that my brain was used to worrying/predicting, it was an art, combined with hypervigilance to the attitudes and behaviours and feelings of others that I had developed in order to keep me safe.
Once I had removed the stressor from my life that I previously had "needed" to worry about my brain still lept into that well-worn path of thinking, because it didn't yet have new patterns to follow, or the new patterns weren't quite as strong as the old ones yet.
so I could "forgive" my brain for doing this, it isn't a fundamental flaw of mine, just a habit of thinking, and then, recognising that this is a thinking pattern that no longer helps me (because it doesn't change the outcome, and ruins my present) I could stop the thinking, chant the serenity prayer if necessary and commit to having a good time no matter what outside events occurred.
you can choose to let go, but it is a process that we have to practice
have a lovely weekend
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Try and not obsess, you are getting yourself all worked up about something that you do not know if it will happen or not.
Relax, if he does show up you will handle him.
I'm sure everything will be ok!
Relax, if he does show up you will handle him.
I'm sure everything will be ok!
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
He can show up at the door if he wants.
And you can keep him OUT you dont have to open the door, answer the phone or reply to anything.
It helps when things are ok outside, then it is easy to feel calm. When things are chaotic outside AND you are still able to "go back to your center" regardless, that is the Art of Living. The days when I am DETERMINED TO KEEP MY PEACE I am astonished because yessir I CAN. So I hope you remember your peace is yours no matter what ok!
Just stay NO CONTACT.
And you can keep him OUT
you dont have to open the door, answer the phone or reply to anything. It helps when things are ok outside, then it is easy to feel calm. When things are chaotic outside AND you are still able to "go back to your center" regardless, that is the Art of Living. The days when I am DETERMINED TO KEEP MY PEACE I am astonished because yessir I CAN. So I hope you remember your peace is yours no matter what ok!
Just stay NO CONTACT.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
When I get to awfulizing about something that could happen the tool I use is playing that tape forward and setting plans that all equate to my looking after myself.
In your case, I would write down three plans:
First, would be the best scenario in that company arrives, he doesn't, and I practice emotional detachment to stay in the moment and put thoughts of him on the burner farthest to the back.
Second, would be the middle of the road scenario in that company arrives, he phones or makes some other indirect contact, and I am forced to respond. I do so briefly and calmly then block further contact. I then take a moment to breath and center myself then again place him as far back as I can from my present reality.
Third, would be the worst of it meaning right when things are their brightest, he shows and brings nothing but gloom. My plan would be to have written down, waiting by the door, a note with exactly what I want to say written when I could calmly put pen to paper. I would hand it to him and shut the door.
The shock of that alone would send my XABF off, but my note would read, "You are not welcome here. There will be no discussion. Leave quietly and the police will not be summoned."
If he leaves quietly but a guest inquires "Wasn't that your ex?" I'd say yes and I had a phone number for him. He's leaving now.
If he doesn't leave quietly, I would follow through with calling the police and seek support from my guests to sit with me while I waited for him to be escorted off.
Like others have posted before, it's unlikely our awfulizing ever comes to pass, but having a plan and working through those emotions of the what ifs really helps ground you.
Good luck you!! All will be well!! Have faith
Alice
In your case, I would write down three plans:
First, would be the best scenario in that company arrives, he doesn't, and I practice emotional detachment to stay in the moment and put thoughts of him on the burner farthest to the back.
Second, would be the middle of the road scenario in that company arrives, he phones or makes some other indirect contact, and I am forced to respond. I do so briefly and calmly then block further contact. I then take a moment to breath and center myself then again place him as far back as I can from my present reality.
Third, would be the worst of it meaning right when things are their brightest, he shows and brings nothing but gloom. My plan would be to have written down, waiting by the door, a note with exactly what I want to say written when I could calmly put pen to paper. I would hand it to him and shut the door.
The shock of that alone would send my XABF off, but my note would read, "You are not welcome here. There will be no discussion. Leave quietly and the police will not be summoned."
If he leaves quietly but a guest inquires "Wasn't that your ex?" I'd say yes and I had a phone number for him. He's leaving now.
If he doesn't leave quietly, I would follow through with calling the police and seek support from my guests to sit with me while I waited for him to be escorted off.
Like others have posted before, it's unlikely our awfulizing ever comes to pass, but having a plan and working through those emotions of the what ifs really helps ground you.
Good luck you!! All will be well!! Have faith
Alice
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 594
The weekend came and went and he didn't show. You were all right. I did, however, get a very long letter in the mail. The letter said that his therapist told him that I had moved on. He said he began to cry right away. He also said that if I have moved on, he wanted me to let him know.
You were all right. I did, however, get a very long letter in the mail. The letter said that his therapist told him that I had moved on. He said he began to cry right away. He also said that if I have moved on, he wanted me to let him know.
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