sobermax

Well, I didn't go to a meeting yesterday as I had planned and then was angry at myself because there was really no reason not to have done, except the inner voice saying 'stay in, watch a film - you've done so well this week. . . .'

I didn't make the call to ask for sponsorship as I had planned.

I smoked one of my wife's joints (when I stopped drinking from 2004 - 07, I didn't stop smoking marijuana so was never really sober at all).

Then I lay in bed until 10 mins ago (5am now) cursing my boss for imagined future injustices.

I didn't drink any alcohol, but feel like I might as well have done. These are some of the behaviours / thought patterns that I drink on.

Not going to allow this to derail me, but am very disappointed with myself for today. The best thing I guess is to make sure that today I address everything I neglected yesterday, and to get this out in a meeting.

Talking it and walking it are two very different things. Dammit. Feel like a fraud.

Today is a new day, and needn't be the same.

notnormal

You didn't drink... could have been worse. Try not to beat yourself up too much and just learn from it and be thankful You didn't drink!
"progress not perfection"

Chops

Yeah, yesterdays gone, don't worry about it. You have today and that is it, hit a meeting and take it from there. Put away the bat and don't beat yourself up.

Try not to live in yesterday.

Snarf

Hey Max, you didn't have a drink, and I consider any day I don't drink to be a successful one. Just trying to string together as many as I can. Instead of worrying and being concerned about not attending a meeting yesterday, try channeling that energy in a positive manner: making sure you attend a meeting today. Make that phone call, or make 2 if you can.

I know very well this voice saying 'stay in, watch a film - you've done so well this week. . . .' This evening I saw my fiancee (awake) for the first time in over 2 days. I work late, so she's been in bed each of the previous 2 nights when I got home, and left for work before I awoke. Tonight I got home around 8:30 and was just so happy to be with her. We hung out for a while, and I had planned on going to the 10pm meeting. Then the voice came. 'Stay home. Be with your girl. You can go to a meeting tomorrow.'

That's when I KNEW I had to go. When my alcoholism starts messing with me and actively trying to convince me to not do things that are good for my recovery, I need to confront it right then and there. Because it will eat at me later, and that disappointment in myself can creep in. Yeah, I miss meetings for good reasons. Yesterday I worked for 14 hours, so there were just no meetings to attend, 'cause I was at work all day. Don't feel bad about that. But tonight, when I was trying to talk myself out of going when I had already planned to go, I knew that was a bad sign. And what do you know, I actually heard some things I really needed to hear.

Perhaps you missing the meeting yesterday will be the motivation to attend one today that will turn out to be very beneficial for you. Be thankful that you did not have a drink, and tell yourself you won't have one today, and do the things you need to do to help you not have a drink. Just for today.

Dee74

well someones gotta say it Max...

I agree with you...same behaviour, same thought processes...simply different drug...

I don't see any difference between smoking a joint and drinking...as someone who did a lot of both, it's the exact same leaky boat on that same ol' sea of crap....

But you know where you went wrong - and that a hell of a lot more self aware than I was for a long time - and you're back on the right road.

Look, listen and learn from what happened for sure, Max, but be sure to move on too.
Tomorrow's a new day

D

sobermax

Thanks all.

I have now asked for a sponsor and will hit the meeting tonight.

Spoke to my wife about smoking. I don't think it would be useful to ask her to quit (she has no desire to) although having it around is troubling. She was happy to agree to keep it out of my sight, and not to smoke it while I'm around. Not ideal, but at least she knows it isn't ok for me to join her.

No doubt, I just transferred all my drinking urges to dope which is why I was able to stay 'sober' for so long. Not sober at all.

Will keep you posted, and thanks for the replies.

Anna

I'm glad your wife is co-operating with your recovery. That's very helpful.

And, remember that recovery isn't a straight line. There are many bumps along the way.

sobermax

I'll call today 'day 1' and do what I need to do.

If I keep punishing myself, I'll start buying it, get all self-pitying and that only goes to one place.

So, here's to today and to being more honest with myself and other people.

littlefish

I was going to suggest that you talk to your wife, it's good to see that you did. That's great news that she is going to keep the stuff out of sight, it shows she is willing to support you and that will be a lot of help for you.

intention

Hi Max,

You are not a fraud. You are an alcoholic who is learning how to live sober. There's a lot to learn about behaviours and thought patterns and we can only learn by going through experiences like this.

The important thing is that you are willing to change. I hope you do go to the meeting and share with people what is going on with you. It will help you.

As to the thinking "stay in, watch a film" instead of the meeting, alcohol is "cunning, baffling, powerful!" p58 Big Book. It will do anything and everything it can to get you back to drinking again.

In AA we learn that us "alcoholics are undisciplined" p88, so it helps us to practice some discipline. In the early days it helps to set up routines to change our lazy, undiciplined behaviour (which will lead us back to the booze). Some people like to do 90 meetings in 90 days to get out of old habits, create new ones and ensure they are close to the solution in meetings. Other people may have rules about phoning another AA at a certain time or doing daily morning readings from AA literature - example Daily Reflections, Big Book.

This will help but it is not the solution. You have already started with some prayer and found it beneficial. I would suggest planning some prayer in at set times during your day. It is good spiritual practice - you can only benefit from it. Do it even if you don't want to, it will only take a couple of minutes of your time. This is where you will ultimately find your power which relieves you from the obsession to drink alcohol - so that you can recover.

I'm glad to hear that you are going to take action on the sponsor call. When you have a sponsor you will have much more detailed guidance on what to do to recover.

What happened yesterday has got you where you are today. It's good your wife is going to keep the stuff out of your sight. It will help - although I do know people in AA who live with active alcoholics and still recover.
Keep in touch.

Toronto68

Saw the update on the sponsor before this one, and you have my vote that you are on the right track, just like you said you would be in the above post.

You remind me of me a little, in particular the manufacturing of thoughts about injustices in work contexts (and how they were great fuel for alcoholic drinking). Something about the way you write too maybe.

Hold on to the resolve and also hang on to a refusal to self-loathe. I need tons of work in this area and cannot give in to old ways of thinking either. I'm very glad for you.

least

Forgive yourself, learn from it, and move forward again.

HumbleBee

Hey there, Max.

You recognized the things that you gotta do and that's a good thing.

Also, you've seen how alcohol will fill your head with imagined injustices to lure you back into its grip with rationalizations and justifications as to why you should drink.

Good for you in knowing what you have to do to stay vigilant. You're not a fraud; you're human; this recovery thing is work, no doubt about it.

If it were easy, none of us would be here. Glad you're with us. It really is worth it.

sobermax

Hello everyone.

Firstly, how does anyone get by without SR? Suddenly, we've all got 10,000 friends watching our backs. In the true sense of the word, it is awesome.

I just wanted to share this with you:

As mentioned earlier in a different thread, my new sponsor bought me a copy of the BB today (he told me that his first sponsor did the same for him. I hope to be in the same position in time). My wife has spent most of the evening reading it because she wants to understand. Not only this, but she is going to an Al-anon meeting on Monday - not for her own support as such (although I reckon she is keen to talk openly about her experiences for the first time), but because she wants to support my sobriety any way she can. After everything I have put her through over the last 10 years, her continuing belief in me is humbling. No one would have blamed her for leaving years ago, me included.

She read the 'for wives' section and for the first time ever spoke openly about her feelings: how she felt so guilty for being ashamed of me, how she had protected me from shame in so many ways, how lonely she has felt. I knew all of this at some level, but to hear it from her mouth was well, sobering to say the least.

I know I can't quit for anyone but me, but she is another bloody good reason.

Please God, let me stay sober tomorrow.

Snarf

You're right, Max, you can't quit for anyone else. But they can be great motivation. When I think of all the crazy, ridiculous, outlandish nonsense I put my fiancee through for 6.5 years, and I know how happy she is that I'm not drinking, how could I possibly want to jeopardize that by picking up a beer?

But I realize that at a base level, this is selfish. I'm doing it for me, not for her. Because it makes me happy when she's happy, and it really hurts me to cause her pain. So while I may be thinking of her happiness, I guess it's really only because my own happiness is connected to hers.

intention

Hi Max,

It's good to hear that your wife is supporting you and wants to understand. Al-anon will be good for her......and for you too.

Bamboozle

Hey, sobermax.


Yeah, that's true...but I like to think of it this way. Who I am is largely shaped by the people I care for and the people who care for me. They are a part of me.

How refreshing it can be to have an excuse to stay sober rather than have an excuse to drink.

I myself want to stay sober for my niece. She's so cute....and so happy...and I want her to remain that way.


Take care of yourself, sobermax. Don't beat yourself up. I know that, at least for me, any time I kicked myself I felt more awful than necessary...which gave me an excuse to drink. Just pick yourself up and keep moving forward. This is coming from a person who has her default setting at 'pessimistic'. I'm learning to be positive. :ghug3

Bamboozle

It's okay, though. Most everyone is like this...except for people who hate humanity.