rdy4change

Last Friday AH (STB) checked back into treatment and so far seems to be hanging in. Some of you may remember that his first attempt lasted a mere 30 hours and I, along with my DD moved out about 2 weeks after.

I spoke with his counselor today who as expected asked the question, "What is to come of your marriage?". I told him that while I care about my 'husband' and support his recovery 100%, I don't feel that I can be married to him any longer. But, in reality I'm SOOO confused!!! I know the 'real' person behind the booze and if he could stay sober, how do I know what the future holds?

At any rate, DD and I are going to see him tonight. The counselor told me that he is really looking forward to the visit BUT....also feels that I should tell him that I have no intention of staying married to him. TONIGHT...when he's spending quality time with his young daughter? That seems a little cruel. And, doesn't he know by being served divorce papers that I'm serious? Even he has retained an attorney.

Second, he asked me to write an impact letter and get it to him. Now, I'm a person who's NEVER at a loss for words but I have no idea how to begin. Honestly, I think I need to have a couple drinks to get the mind going. How sadly ironic is that?

Finally, he told me that I should attend the family program which is a 4 day program just for me. I've called to get more information on it and will really need to think about it. Has anyone experienced this piece of a loved one's recovery? I'm curious to your thoughts.

I must confess that I'm feeling a little guilty. I support his recovery, I really do but I don't WANT to make the drive tonight, I don't WANT to write the impact letter and I'm not sure that I WANT to participate in the family program. I thought that moving out would help me to free myself and find some peace. My daughter has certainly found it and that is what is most important.

But, selfish me wonders why the expectations seem to fall back on me. Maybe I'm not as supportive as I thought?

FarawayFromCars

It sounds like you are on as much a journey as he is, and as we know, that journey takes a lot of time and thinking. I would start with this question: "what do you really want, for yourSELF, right now, today?". Go from there. Try not to get confused by the big picture. Take it one day at a time.

Wishing you hugs and good thoughts.

suki44883

If you don't want to do those things, then don't do them. This is HIS recovery, not yours. It is not the counselor's place to put these expectations on you. If your husband is serious about living a sober life, he will do it regardless of whether or not you will be there waiting for him.

nodaybut2day

When in doubt...do nothing.

SoloMio

I know how you feel; when they finally go away, and you're experiencing peace while they're in inpatient rehab, you do think, "I could get used to this!"

When my husband went to rehab I did go to the family program. It was actually really good, because it was like a satellite resident AlAnon meeting. It also was so great to be with other people in the same space that I was in -- I remember on the last day, we were in a circle linking arms and I just spontaneously broke down sobbing. I hadn't cried in probably years, but I just felt that big wall separating me from my feelings come down.

I'm sure like everything else some family programs are good and some are bad. For what it's worth the one I went to was attached to Marworth in Pennsylvania.

As for you, as others have said, take it slowly and do what you feel most comfortable with for YOU. Re the counselor, I agree you're job is to handle your family the way you feel is best. I have to say, in my experience, counselors are like doctors, you can't assume they all know better than you. It was a counselor that told my AH right before he relapsed that I was controlling him, he should leave the marriage, and of course, he should be able to have a glass of wine with his steak. The marriage counselor we went to was no better, she actually fell for his flirting and manipulation--I watched it with my own eyes. So, trust your own gut.

freefalling

The family program I attended was very helpful - for me. They were very supportive of the families. They were "strict" with the families to set boundaries and consequences. Some more "severe" cases like me (lol) were provided outside therapy to help me with setting boundaries and how to follow up with consequenses. The family program was all about "us" and how to break through our denial. We were taught how we all stay sick while staying in denial and not letting the normal consequenses happen to the addict. We were told that they teach the addict that he will reach a "stone wall" when he continues - and if it does not happen - he can go on and not believe a word he is taught in rehab. And nothing will change for us too by shielding the addict.
So it helped me as I was in very early (if any) recovery.

Maybe find out what family program is about. Is it all about him - or is it to help YOU heal? Just be careful that it is not added to the bill if you are struggling financially also.

Mine disrespectfully called my letter (that was read out in the group to break through their denial) a novel. Nothing came of it . But some actually do listen and go into recovery -because they choose to and not beacause of the letter.

The second time he was at same rehab -I sent his mom and sisters to family day. Some keep to the info and some still enable.

Last 2 rehabs I sent no letters and did not need family day as I have therapy and SR!!! whoohoo thanks guys!

Hugs

Jadmack25

This may all be very well, if the relationship is still intact....but if you have filed for divorce, and AH is well aware of this as he has his own lawyer, why is it necessary for you to do a 4 day family program?

At a pinch, I get sending a letter as an impact statement, ifyou feel that letting him have it may make you feel happier at getting it off your chest....but anything else seems useless to me.

If you don't want to do any of this, DON'T. I agree that visiting him and hitting him with all this negative business about divorce, when spending time with his daughter, seems a bit off to me...and was not something I ever considered suggesting.

Listen to that quiet voice in you mind, and heed your gut.....they are generally right on.

God bless