Analyze this, please.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
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Analyze this, please.
Yesterday, I was dining with a close friend, Kim.
Kim owns a nice shop.
My 7 year old daughter wanted to go to the shop.
I said yes.
Kim then said "just to let you know, you really hurt Tana's feelings" (2 weeks ago) at the movies regarding where I should sit. She kept trying to tell me where to sit, I finally snapped at her (I was probably rude) and sat where I wanted.
I asked Kim why she was telling me this and she said she thought I would want to know in case Tana (Kim's employee at the shop) wasn't friendly with me.
What are your thoughts on this screwball situation?
Kim owns a nice shop.
My 7 year old daughter wanted to go to the shop.
I said yes.
Kim then said "just to let you know, you really hurt Tana's feelings" (2 weeks ago) at the movies regarding where I should sit. She kept trying to tell me where to sit, I finally snapped at her (I was probably rude) and sat where I wanted.
I asked Kim why she was telling me this and she said she thought I would want to know in case Tana (Kim's employee at the shop) wasn't friendly with me.
What are your thoughts on this screwball situation?
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
I don't really understand what kind of thoughts you are looking for.
Just sounds like someone is a little upset with you, your friend alluded to it, and now you can handle it how you see fit.
Ignore it and let it pass....or go into the shop and if you feel you should speak with her about it, then do that.
Is it that big of a deal?
Just sounds like someone is a little upset with you, your friend alluded to it, and now you can handle it how you see fit.
Ignore it and let it pass....or go into the shop and if you feel you should speak with her about it, then do that.
Is it that big of a deal?
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
My assessment: Tana's oversensitive or a drama queen!
I like to get stuff out in the open and over with - I would just say - "Hey I am sorry if I stepped on your toes at the movies last week! I guess you were upset and that wasn't my intention." And then I'd wait and see what she says. People who complain behind your back are generally taken aback when you defuse their little bombs and hand them right back to them.
I work with some REALLy difficult people and I generally find that directly addressing their nonsense and not taking any of it personally helps me just let this stuff go....
I think Kim should school her employee that she should never be unfriendly to a customer - no mater what petty thing happened at the movies for heaven's sakes!
Screwball is right! Let it go!
peace-
b
I like to get stuff out in the open and over with - I would just say - "Hey I am sorry if I stepped on your toes at the movies last week! I guess you were upset and that wasn't my intention." And then I'd wait and see what she says. People who complain behind your back are generally taken aback when you defuse their little bombs and hand them right back to them.
I work with some REALLy difficult people and I generally find that directly addressing their nonsense and not taking any of it personally helps me just let this stuff go....
I think Kim should school her employee that she should never be unfriendly to a customer - no mater what petty thing happened at the movies for heaven's sakes!
Screwball is right! Let it go!
peace-
b
Persevere, Never give up!
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Stellenbosch, South Africa
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If you do go the shop often, your friend Kim, might just have wanted to let u know, if per chance Tana gave u a cold shoulder, if she continues, just say, you are sorry, or in most cases these things blow over, maybe u should think why it was so important for her, that u sit where she wanted? Sounds strange, that she is still upset about it.
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What I want to hear is that Kim was passive-aggressive in telling me that her employee was upset with me. I want to hear that Kim should have told her employee to take it up with me herself, but not to bring it into Kim's place of business.
I am having a hard time with several "friends" lately and no one will simply be straight. Instead they want to talk about it with everybody else so that it trickles back to me and no one will just address it with me directly.
I am having a hard time with several "friends" lately and no one will simply be straight. Instead they want to talk about it with everybody else so that it trickles back to me and no one will just address it with me directly.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
stella, I identify with seeing former "friends" under a different light.
Two are a couple, coworkers, skydived with them, went to their wedding. When BF and me arrived to have lunch with them and others closer to us, they said Hi. Then there was silence. Not even a "nice to meet you" or "how are you doing?" to bf ir me. That, at least in my culture is rude. I asked a few questions about a trip they made and they answered short answers, totally cut the conversation...
One keeps checking out women. I don't know if its new or he already did it and I didn't mind. NOW I mind. Out of my personal life he goes.
One hit on me once and made an inappropiate question. He totally distorted our relation which was turning into a friendship. Out.
Yesterday I was with a coworker who makes me laugh a lot. We went to one of his friend's home who is also my neighbor.
He was complaining he couldn't travel this weekend as he wanted. After a while and talking about other things I mentioned I was happy I would travel in 2 weeks. They where like "what? you shouldn't mention that given Y is upset he was not able to travel"
So, no, none of them could become real friends. WTF? I guess it means we are changing stella and not up to more drama or up to people that don't give a damn, or give back what we have (sympathy, empathy, manners, education, good vibe, sense of humor, charm, flexibility)
Sorry for my vent
Two are a couple, coworkers, skydived with them, went to their wedding. When BF and me arrived to have lunch with them and others closer to us, they said Hi. Then there was silence. Not even a "nice to meet you" or "how are you doing?" to bf ir me. That, at least in my culture is rude. I asked a few questions about a trip they made and they answered short answers, totally cut the conversation...
One keeps checking out women. I don't know if its new or he already did it and I didn't mind. NOW I mind. Out of my personal life he goes.
One hit on me once and made an inappropiate question. He totally distorted our relation which was turning into a friendship. Out.
Yesterday I was with a coworker who makes me laugh a lot. We went to one of his friend's home who is also my neighbor.
He was complaining he couldn't travel this weekend as he wanted. After a while and talking about other things I mentioned I was happy I would travel in 2 weeks. They where like "what? you shouldn't mention that given Y is upset he was not able to travel"
So, no, none of them could become real friends. WTF? I guess it means we are changing stella and not up to more drama or up to people that don't give a damn, or give back what we have (sympathy, empathy, manners, education, good vibe, sense of humor, charm, flexibility)
Sorry for my vent
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
What I want to hear is that Kim was passive-aggressive in telling me that her employee was upset with me. I want to hear that Kim should have told her employee to take it up with me herself, but not to bring it into Kim's place of business.
So why don't you say that to KIm? Maybe a chance to teach someone how to treat you - and if it makes no impact then re-assess their toxicity level in your life!!
peace-
b
So why don't you say that to KIm? Maybe a chance to teach someone how to treat you - and if it makes no impact then re-assess their toxicity level in your life!!
peace-
b
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
I told her that and asked her what she wanted to accomplish by telling me that.
She said she thought I would want to know in case tana was cold to me in the store.
And that she thought I would want to know that I had hurt Tana's feelings (2 weeks ago? really?) because I might want to apologize.
I told her that I liked to deal with people directly and in the future, if she knew someone was upset with me, that she could recommend that they talk to me about it themselves.
I am still irritated. I did call Tana and apologize. But I told her that Kim had said she would probably be cold to me if I came in, so I wanted to clear the air. Because I am feeling a little p/a myself after all this to-do.
She said she thought I would want to know in case tana was cold to me in the store.
And that she thought I would want to know that I had hurt Tana's feelings (2 weeks ago? really?) because I might want to apologize.
I told her that I liked to deal with people directly and in the future, if she knew someone was upset with me, that she could recommend that they talk to me about it themselves.
I am still irritated. I did call Tana and apologize. But I told her that Kim had said she would probably be cold to me if I came in, so I wanted to clear the air. Because I am feeling a little p/a myself after all this to-do.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
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Well, you asked, so here's my analysis, without any judgment. Remember: Life will likely continue to bring you this lesson until you learn it, and learn how to deal with this kind of thing. Often, my complaints about OTHERS are actually my complaints about mySELF.
You have a lot of wants in this situation. The world is often NOT what WE want it to be, nor does it usually operate the way WE think it should. Not only do you appear to think that Tana has no right to have felt hurt that you snapped at her, you appear to think Kim should handle her own interpersonal relationships and her own business YOUR way.
Perhaps Kim was NOT being passive aggressive. Perhaps Kim is not responsible for telling her employee anything regarding her feelings or your behavior. Perhaps Kim did not interpret Tana's hurt as anything to do with business. Perhaps Kim was telling the truth when she told you, "just to let you know, you really hurt Tana's feelings" and that you really DID hurt Tana's feelings.
Perhaps a true friend, when they are told they have hurt someone's feelings, acts in a mature manner and approaches her friend whom she has hurt and says something like, "The other night I snapped at you at the movie theatre. I am sorry. Please accept my apology." I mean, how much can that hurt for you to do? How much would you actually have to give up just to say this one thing? Instead of making a big deal about Kim's intentions, instead of demanding Kim boss her employee around, instead of making a federal case out of whether or not Tana even has a right to be hurt, just admit what you did and apologize.
Perhaps they are afraid you are going to snap at them. Perhaps Kim telling you WAS someone addressing you directly. It's ironic that you seem to feel that your friends talking to one another instead of directly to you is undesirable while at the same time, you are on an internet site talking to others about what is going on with your relationships. Maybe you could just talk to them directly instead of complaining that THEY are not not talking to YOU directly.
What I want to hear is that Kim was passive-aggressive in telling me that her employee was upset with me. I want to hear that Kim should have told her employee to take it up with me herself, but not to bring it into Kim's place of business.
Perhaps Kim was NOT being passive aggressive. Perhaps Kim is not responsible for telling her employee anything regarding her feelings or your behavior. Perhaps Kim did not interpret Tana's hurt as anything to do with business. Perhaps Kim was telling the truth when she told you, "just to let you know, you really hurt Tana's feelings" and that you really DID hurt Tana's feelings.
Perhaps a true friend, when they are told they have hurt someone's feelings, acts in a mature manner and approaches her friend whom she has hurt and says something like, "The other night I snapped at you at the movie theatre. I am sorry. Please accept my apology." I mean, how much can that hurt for you to do? How much would you actually have to give up just to say this one thing? Instead of making a big deal about Kim's intentions, instead of demanding Kim boss her employee around, instead of making a federal case out of whether or not Tana even has a right to be hurt, just admit what you did and apologize.
I am having a hard time with several "friends" lately and no one will simply be straight. Instead they want to talk about it with everybody else so that it trickles back to me and no one will just address it with me directly.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
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L2L,
I did ask and I appreciate your thoughts.
I did call Tana and say exactly what you said. "I understand from Kim that I hurt your feelings. I am sorry that I snapped at you."
I did tell Kim directly that I thought she was being crappy. She has been on a bossing-me-around spree for a while now and as you can see, it is really getting on my nerves.
I am on the internet talking about it so as not to further damage the feelings of two people that I know IRL because I am irritated with them. I think it would be a BAD move to call them up AGAIN to re-hash the fact that I am still peeved about it.
But I am still peeved and I am trying to sort through my feelings about it. Which is why I come here in the first place - to help me make sense of things.
and when I say "what I want is for you to say X", I am stating that tongue-in-cheek, I want to be justified and right and I know that it's probably not the case. It's a little self-indulgent pouting. Here - away from the actual situation. In safety.
I did ask and I appreciate your thoughts.
I did call Tana and say exactly what you said. "I understand from Kim that I hurt your feelings. I am sorry that I snapped at you."
I did tell Kim directly that I thought she was being crappy. She has been on a bossing-me-around spree for a while now and as you can see, it is really getting on my nerves.
I am on the internet talking about it so as not to further damage the feelings of two people that I know IRL because I am irritated with them. I think it would be a BAD move to call them up AGAIN to re-hash the fact that I am still peeved about it.
But I am still peeved and I am trying to sort through my feelings about it. Which is why I come here in the first place - to help me make sense of things.
and when I say "what I want is for you to say X", I am stating that tongue-in-cheek, I want to be justified and right and I know that it's probably not the case. It's a little self-indulgent pouting. Here - away from the actual situation. In safety.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
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I totally understand what you are saying stella27 because I have the same kinds of issues dealing with other people sometimes. It's like so many people have replied to me many times about my interpersonal relationships: Learn how to set up Boundaries and lower your expectations. Other people just cannot and will not live THEIR lives the way WE want them to, even when we think we are right and they are obviously wrong.
I KNOW I have not been very nice to other people who I have certain kinds of expectations of. I am learning with the new relationship that I am in that it just does not help ANYONE for me to be selfish. It is the much nicer thing to do to 1. expect the best possible motivations in others (which keeps your own anger down) and 2. make small sacrifices that help everyone involved to feel better. It is so very hard to find a happy medium between codependence, giving too much, being someone's doormat and always looking out for others, and selfishness.
So, thank you for posting your story and your honest feelings. It is helpful to know that others are experiencing the same kind of issues with interpersonal relationships as I am.
I KNOW I have not been very nice to other people who I have certain kinds of expectations of. I am learning with the new relationship that I am in that it just does not help ANYONE for me to be selfish. It is the much nicer thing to do to 1. expect the best possible motivations in others (which keeps your own anger down) and 2. make small sacrifices that help everyone involved to feel better. It is so very hard to find a happy medium between codependence, giving too much, being someone's doormat and always looking out for others, and selfishness.
So, thank you for posting your story and your honest feelings. It is helpful to know that others are experiencing the same kind of issues with interpersonal relationships as I am.
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