Jenny1232

... the BIGGEST Fu$%ing Idiot.

Being the stupid, insecure, nosey, paranoid person I am.. I decided to browse the web again today.. looking up the user name he uses for stuff. It all started when my mind began to wonder back to his match.com site. He always said he wasn't a 'paid' member (who can actually access it, not browse), so he couldn't contact people. I then started to think...

He never lets me see his phone or email
He never lets me see any bill in his name
He doesn't have a credit card.. so it can't be...
Oh yeah, he has a bank card.
I never see him use his debit card for anything.. yet he puts money into it.. but somehow it's always on empty.

I google to go check out the match.com. The first thing that popped up.. A new profile, with a login of yesterday on HOOK UP . COM. I open it.. there he is.. WITH A PICTURE OF HIM AND I.. AND ALL THESE PICTURES I TOOK OF HIM AT THE BEACH.

I was furious - so I called him. He laughed at me, and genuinely told me he had absolutely no idea what I was talking about, and someone else must have created it. I foolishly, started to believe.

Please don't ream me about contacting him. I know. I wasn't trying to get him back either...

He then turns the entire situation around on me.. and that guy in my bed. Apparently HE CAME TO MY WINDOW AND WATCHED US IN MY ROOM. I'm entirely freaked out at this point. My parents were out of town... we were here alone, AND MY CRAZY EX IS GLARING THROUGH MY WINDOW.
Continuing on.. he's professing his love for me.. how he's not a liar. I start throwing in the lies.. and as he's defending, he unknowingly confessed another lie he'd told me.. only to catch himself once I called it out, and change the story.

I hung up, because I vented and was done. He sent me 15 messages (I unblocked him in a moment of weakness)... he kept saying he swears on this and that, he loves me, blah blah blah. He never cheated on me.. and I'm guilty and I need to fess up to make this work?!?!? I NEVER WANTED TO MAKE IT WORK - I WAS PISSED and needed to scream at him.

Moving forward.. I decided to do a more intensive search. HE'S ALL OVER THE WEB. This is the guy yelling at me for joining dating sites, and he's EVERYWHERE.

His about me:

"I'm a loyal guy who's tired of being kicked around. I'm looking for a bold funny chick who isn't afraid to roll with the punches and isn't controlling".

Well, if that isn't evident enough that it came from his mouth. I then.. go onto Friend Finder . COM -- WHAM, there he is.. HE WAS USING IT WHILE WE WERE DATING. OH MY GOD, I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS. It read:

About me: A fun and social guy who loves to have a good time
Sexual Preference: "prefer not to say"
Looking for: A women with "alternate" activities'

I am absolutely convinced he's a slutty psychopath. He must have been cheating on me this whole time. I am absolutely devastated to see the truth. He swore up and down he wasn't on any sites. He laughed and said, "Jenny, I don't even have the internet".

I feel so stupid. I feel like I never want to let another man into my life again. He has completely fooled and betrayed me. I know this is my fault for snooping, when I should just let it go. I admit... I was holding on to hope.. that one day he'd change, because I thought it was real between us.

Oh my god.. I'm so upset. He's most likely been cheating on me.. Hooking up with random women this WHOLE time. I am in absolute shock. I don't know what to think. I can't move. I can't sleep. I'm here.. with the wind knocked right out of me. My heart has been completely ripped from my chest and shredded.

I know what I did was wrong. Please.. I need comfort right now.

Hammerhead

The truth does hurt. When we continue to return to our source of pain why do we expect anything different?

He is who he is and you are who you are. You are the only one that can change this scenario.

Sorry you're in pain.

Jenny1232

I just cannot believe he's been cheating on me this whole time. I actually believed him. I geniuinely believed, he was not the type to cheat. I mean, we were nearly together 24/7. Granted... I caught him in lies.. he took longer.. did have unaccounted hours for when leaving work early.

Oh my god. The signs were always there. I've been so naive. I never thought he'd do this. He talks such a good game.

All those times of accusing me.. of saying it was MY guilty conscience.. it was really his..

I'm so very hurt right now. I'm sorry.

LaTeeDa

So now you know what you know. The ball's in your court. Continue dancing the dance or step off the dance floor--your choice.

L

Hammerhead

It seems you're still re-living and re-playing the past over and over. That is a waste of time and energy. Perhaps you should consider where things are right now and decide if it's acceptable or not. If it isn't... what are you going to do about it?

It's ok to make mistakes... we all have.... don't be too hard on yourself. Focus and put your energy where it's beneficial to YOU NOW... not on MAYBE or WHAT IF or I SHOULD HAVE.

laurie6781

Couldn't have said it better! I would add one very important thing. Please, please, go to your OB/GYN and get a FULL and COMPLETE check up for ALL STD's IMMEDIATELY.

This is to protect you.

Love and hugs,

lulu1974

I went through this as many of us on here did. There was a great post about how we want them to be something they arent. Jenny, these A's can do anything, they say the only times an A isnt lying is when his lips arent moving. Sadly folks like us learn this the hard way. Time will heal you and taking the focus off what he did now that you know already and putting it back on you. Think about what you want. Make a list and see how he fits into the list as he is now. Please pamper yourself as you are hurting now. Hug yourself. Be good to you Jenny. Why do you want to keep doing this to yourself. The person you thought he was is dead. He isnt coming back. Only you can decide to take care of you. Find your HP. Believe in better things and reach for the stars!! Hugs to you...

Jenny1232

Here come to tears.. I know to stay away from him. I know what to do. I am doing those things. I know I shouldn't have looked.

I just know how badly it pains me to think he's been lying and doing this to me the entire time. I'm scared to even get tested. Oh my god.. if I have aids. Oh my god. I'd kill myself. He's DIRTY. WHO MEETS WOMEN ON FRIEND FINDER . COM? OH MY GOD....

LaTeeDa

Maybe you needed to look. Maybe you needed a jolt to see the truth. Who knows? It's already in the past. You cannot take it back.

As far as getting tested, if you have something (and I truly hope you do not) the test does not make it so. The test only gives you the information to act on it if you need to. Information is power. Don't deny yourself that power.

L

MaryGoRound

Sorry you have to experience this Jenny.

It would be very disheartening to see your worst fear right before your very eyes.

You're going to go through several stages of upset. Eventually though, the cycles of anger, sadness, and missing him will become less and less.

I know how hard it is to focus on you and the present, but the only thing that is going to fix those awful feelings is change and time.

What do you want to change in your life? Is there something you've always wanted to do, but never have? Can you plan a girls retreat of some sort? Make an angry CD about him to yourself, I know it silly...but it got me through! If you don't want to feel pain, stop touching hot stoves...engage yourself in the best way you can right now with something that will make you not think about it for awhile.

I can't promise you its going to be easy, but it gets better. You know the truth, now what can you do?

Why are you torturing yourself? Could it be possible that this outcome was partially expected and it was safe for you instead of going after what you really want and deserve?

Anything is possible from here. Anything. You're going to come out of this stronger and wiser. I know you know this. Think of yourself as an angel who has just gone through strength training...now you have the wings and musculature to make peace where there is none. You're not a baby cherub anymore sista! You're a tough angel now, and no one better mess with that giving heart of yours...as silly as this may sound, you're nothing less than - you've just flown your way throw hell.

You will get through this. And we're all here for you. There will come a time when the pain and the torment only comes like a passing hiccup.....I promise if you work as hard as you can on letting it go, this too shall pass.

sesh

Jenny time to breath!!!
Time to calm down and look at the facts. You're freaking out now, but that's not helping you. Of course it's only natural, but it is not helping you. And you have to help yourself right now, by looking at facts, by doing what needs to be done.
Ok, so he's been on these dating web pages (I amit I don't really know much about it). But there are things you don't know too, you're only assuming the rest. There are different scenarios there too. Maybe he gets a kick from chating with women and leading them on. Maybe he wasn't on it too long to acctually meet anyone yet. And if he did you don't know if he had sex with them. If he did have sex with them, maybe (possibly?) he only had protected sex. Were you using protection with him?
You're worried, of course you are, so get yourself tested, but chose to put a stop as much as you can to your overwhelming emotions until you know there is a acctual reason for it.
As the thing that goes for all of us is when we meet a new partner and we get intimate, we know that person has history, and they've been intimate with other people before. So there is a always a degree of risk involved. In regard to that it doesn't really matter if your XBF had sex with someone else before you met or while you were together.
If he was sleeping around it doens't mean he wasn't using protection.
Get tested to put your mind at rest.
My AH was admitted to the hospital over 10 days ago with liver cirrhosis, when they first admitted him doctors told me there is a possibility he has hepatitis C too (which can be sexually transmited too, not too likely but it happens), and they did the test for it. I waited a week for those results. My first reaction was to freak over it, but than I chose not to. I chose not to ruin even more a week of my precious life only because of a possibility. When the test came back it turns out AH doesn't have it. If it happened otherwise than I'd do necessary steps and worry about when I knew there is really something to worry about. It's about choice, the one that is hard to make and maintain, but much easier than the other option.
And on the emotional level re: him doing that kind of stuff, well it sucks, but there is an option there too. You can chose to agonize over it or you can chose to feel lucky that man is out of your life and start working on yourself. From my own experience and reading other people's stories here I came to believe the biggest problem for us is our inability to accept the reality for what it is and work with it, as we stay stuck in our wish to alter it and have it the way we want it. Unfortunatelly it doens't work that way. Once we trully understand that it becomes much easier to start breathing and moving forward.
I wish you well

spinwc

Jenny....Look at it this way. Now you know. You know the truth. It is out in the open. You know where you stand.

I have done the same thing, look at his facebook or myspace. I then learned that the "i feel like i just got punched in the stomach" feeling came about every time i did that. It would take me days to get over that feeling, so I made a decision to stop looking at it.

You may have done yourself a good thing here. Although it hurts like hell, you see the real writing on the wall and where things stand.

I am sorry you are so hurt. We will get ya through this.

spinwc

Oh, and your not an idiot.You simply loved and treated someone with respect. HE IS THE IDIOT!

dollydo

So you know,now you can let him totally go.

You have no reason to be in contact with him. None.

What has happened to you is quite common. Addicts lack impulse control.

Their minds just don't function like non addicts.

Don't be so hard on yourself, some lessons must be learned the hard way.

The idea is to not make the same mistake again.

Be kind to yourself today, you will be just fine.

Jadmack25

You suspected he was a liar and cheat and now you have seen proof that he is. Not only is he a toe-rag, he has been one for even longer than you thought.

Ok, if this means you now know he is NOT the man you loved, maybe you can decide he is the sort of creep you could NOT love, do not want to even know and let him go.

While you are still getting thru this emotional minefield, I endorse seeing a Dr ASAP, as this turkey could have passed something nasty on to you. I hope he has not, and also hope very strongly, that he DOES catch a particularly itchy sort of nasty, and scratching it makes his life hell.

Now please choose some way of pampering yourself, after you have been tested of course, and make it something you really love or want to do, and promise yourself that for that day, you will only think of yourself and not spend 1 minute on a loser.

I have you on my ever lengthening prayer list.

God bless

PieRat

Jenny.... /hugs

Now more of the truth is coming out. I will leave you with the lyrics from a Jimmy Buffett song.


I bought a cheap watch from the crazy man
Floating down Canal
It doesnt use numbers or moving hands
It always just says "now"

Now you may be thinking that I was had
But this watch is never wrong
And if I had trouble the warranty said:
Breathe in, breathe out, move on

(Chorus)
And it rained
It was nothing really new
And it blew
Seen all that before
And it poured
The earth began to strain
Pontchartrain leaking through the door, tides at war

If a hurricane doesnt leave you dead
It will make you strong
Dont try to explain it just nod your head
Breathe in, breathe out, move on

And it rained
It was nothing really new
And it blew
Seen all that before
And it poured
The earth began to strain
Pontchartrain buried the 9th ward to the 2nd floor

According to my watch, the time is now
The past is dead and gone
Don't try to shake it, just nod your head
Breathe in, breathe out, move on

Dont try to explain it, just bow your head
Breathe in, Breathe Out, Move on....

Jenny1232

My thoughts.. exactly. I believe I needed this to stop with my wishful thinking...

Thank you Jadmack.. I will keep telling myself this.. I get very blinded easily.. but his convincing words. I must look at the facts (and obviously not talk to him ever again).

He is a CREEP. I'm freaked out entirely, that he stared at me through my window. That means he jumped our privacy fence in the middle of the night.. stood on our deck and watched me. That sends chills down my spine. I hope.. I hope, he's lying about that.


I had been trying to avoid looking at his facebook. In spite of this huge mess, he went and deleted it. He really never used it anyway, so I'm just glad it's gone. It leaves me with no means to send him a message really, which is great for my weak moments.

The pain hurts no less. He's convinced me I'm the psycho. It's clear to see why. I completely over reacted to this whole situation.. I went apesh!t on him.. on my friends.. on here.. everywhere. I didn't sleep last night.

My thoughts are still jumbled up.. I'm trying to move past this. I feel like I've slid backwards, and am trudging through thigh high mud to get back to where I was. Sucks. I'll make it.

Thanks for your support. Thanks for listening to me mope. Thanks for watching me repeat the same mistakes, over and over.. and still offering me advice. Even if it doesn't seem so.. I do take, and usually follow it.

Jenny1232

I wanted to thank you especially for this as well. I am assuming many, many things. Maybe he got a kick out of just looking.. or even talking. Maybe he didn't cheat on me. Like you said, it's besides the point. Thank you for challenging my all-or-nothing thinking though. I needed that very much!

I really don't think he cheated on me.. We were together ALL the time... and it didn't seem to reflect his character.. but really? That's silly to even say. Who cares anymore...

nodaybut2day

Jenny, sweetie, it's time to stop berating yourself and stop this madness. Can you perhaps take a trip someplace, preferably FAR AWAY from an internet connection? It seems like you need to get rid of this addiction you have to this "man".

He's a liar and a cheat. So what?! You already knew this deep down inside, you were just trying to hide your head in the sand and pretend that maybe he was worthy way back when. Now you know he wasn't.

The same sort of thing happened to me while I was leaving XAH. I found a pair of underwear in his keepsakes box that weren't mine. Guess he wanted a momento of his dalliances with another woman. It hurt, but it also helped reaffirm my choice to leave. Take this discovery as a sign that you made the right choice to kick this guy out of your life.

And please stop calling him. You're only torturing yourself.

PieRat

Can you say...QFT!