Yesterday I was married/Today I am single
1 Corinthians 13:1-13 love
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: IL
Posts: 435
Yesterday I was married/Today I am single
Today I became single.
A stand-in lawyer arrived in my lawyers place. My lawyer ended up in an unexpected trial case I was told. No big deal, never met the women, ours was a no contest divorce that I filled out on-line.
So lawyer is looking through the paper work and discovers( she believed) there is a paper missing that we have to have to get divorced today. If you are in the same house and not been apart for a certain amount of time you have to have this certain paper. So, she explains why as i question this as I asked all these questions and we never received this paper to sign among the other divorce papers. She explains for irreconcilable difference this document must be present with a reason if you have still lived together. And then she apologizes that without this paper the divorce will not happen today. I said ohhhh no, this divorce is a no contest/fault divorce. At that point she spotted the fault of habitual drunkenness for a period of at least 2 years. Now she understand why I didn't need that paper and apologizes that as a stand in she did not yet read all the info that she received just this morning. Then she sensitively asks AH if he will testify that this is the truth and the reason , otherwise there will be no divorce today. ( I could see him think about it for a sec.)
I gently say"there would be no divorce between us if not for the drunkness." He tells her nicely " yes, I will testify to that."
She was as relieved as me. I actually was more sure then her that she was just missing something.
The she asked if we had any questions. i asked her a question about one thing me and AH didn't agree on. She gave the answer and her advice, we both made our comments on it. She then actually commented on how well we get along.
It all went very quickly. The judge did not like that I was content with receiving maintainance and child support from AH by check without going through the system where they take it directly from his check. However, after asking a few questions he granted it though I could tell he thought I was to trusting.
Then he pronounced us divorced. The total cost of our divorce was less then $1000.
XAH got approved today for his apartment. He informed me they told him he could move in sooner then they originally said. He will be moving out Saturday. I will be at a wedding on Saturday with my daughter who is flying in this week because of the wedding.
I am not grieving. I am sure because of how i feel today I had truly went through that process. I am already done with it. In some of my struggles with the christians community I have believed this becasue if I was still bound to XAH I would not have been divorcing him. So today the marriage ended legally but as I have said here before, my body was present in my marriage but my spirit was already gone from it. Today I was legally set free.
A few days ago I said to my then AH: " I am sorry" and left off the part " that i have to divorce you." He knew, he kindly told me " Don't be sorry."
lol.... yet within the same closing hours of our marriage he made the comment that comes from his " I am a good guy, it isn't that bad anymore as i only drink beer, and I love you and would never want to be with someone else" again revealing he still doesn't fully get it. He nicely remind me , "tammy, it is not greener on the other side."
I have hope for him still, but on the side of divorce. We will still share something one day that I must hope that he will enter into a life not limited on his drunkenness. We will have grandchildren someday.
I know I will have some struggles, i already have ( sexually frustrated and climbing the walls is a great struggle for me ;*) but I also have great hope for me, I will have greener days. :-)
love tammy
proverbs 20:5
A stand-in lawyer arrived in my lawyers place. My lawyer ended up in an unexpected trial case I was told. No big deal, never met the women, ours was a no contest divorce that I filled out on-line.
So lawyer is looking through the paper work and discovers( she believed) there is a paper missing that we have to have to get divorced today. If you are in the same house and not been apart for a certain amount of time you have to have this certain paper. So, she explains why as i question this as I asked all these questions and we never received this paper to sign among the other divorce papers. She explains for irreconcilable difference this document must be present with a reason if you have still lived together. And then she apologizes that without this paper the divorce will not happen today. I said ohhhh no, this divorce is a no contest/fault divorce. At that point she spotted the fault of habitual drunkenness for a period of at least 2 years. Now she understand why I didn't need that paper and apologizes that as a stand in she did not yet read all the info that she received just this morning. Then she sensitively asks AH if he will testify that this is the truth and the reason , otherwise there will be no divorce today. ( I could see him think about it for a sec.)
I gently say"there would be no divorce between us if not for the drunkness." He tells her nicely " yes, I will testify to that."
She was as relieved as me. I actually was more sure then her that she was just missing something.
The she asked if we had any questions. i asked her a question about one thing me and AH didn't agree on. She gave the answer and her advice, we both made our comments on it. She then actually commented on how well we get along.
It all went very quickly. The judge did not like that I was content with receiving maintainance and child support from AH by check without going through the system where they take it directly from his check. However, after asking a few questions he granted it though I could tell he thought I was to trusting.
Then he pronounced us divorced. The total cost of our divorce was less then $1000.
XAH got approved today for his apartment. He informed me they told him he could move in sooner then they originally said. He will be moving out Saturday. I will be at a wedding on Saturday with my daughter who is flying in this week because of the wedding.
I am not grieving. I am sure because of how i feel today I had truly went through that process. I am already done with it. In some of my struggles with the christians community I have believed this becasue if I was still bound to XAH I would not have been divorcing him. So today the marriage ended legally but as I have said here before, my body was present in my marriage but my spirit was already gone from it. Today I was legally set free.
A few days ago I said to my then AH: " I am sorry" and left off the part " that i have to divorce you." He knew, he kindly told me " Don't be sorry."
lol.... yet within the same closing hours of our marriage he made the comment that comes from his " I am a good guy, it isn't that bad anymore as i only drink beer, and I love you and would never want to be with someone else" again revealing he still doesn't fully get it. He nicely remind me , "tammy, it is not greener on the other side."
I have hope for him still, but on the side of divorce. We will still share something one day that I must hope that he will enter into a life not limited on his drunkenness. We will have grandchildren someday.
I know I will have some struggles, i already have ( sexually frustrated and climbing the walls is a great struggle for me ;*) but I also have great hope for me, I will have greener days. :-)
love tammy
proverbs 20:5
1 Corinthians 13:1-13 love
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: IL
Posts: 435
Still Waters, from your revelations here, I think my XAH is a lot easier to be graceful to. lol...or were you talking about the lawyers. I got an eye opener from those of you who have drunks and narrassists in one package. OH My God!!! i would have had to kill somebody. If it is the lawyers... I was happy to finally be at this day, whoever would get 'er' done was good with me. but thank you, hopefully our necessary relationship while divorced will remain graceful too.
Okay , and just for the record. Among the tinks i didn't say here while we were in the same house during this time.( I didn't day because i knew many of the reactions and advice and I knew what i was trying to accomplish and the risk I was will to take.)
Soo.. he spit in my face once, and another time he picked me up from the back by my hair.i am not the kind woman to sit still if someone puts their hand or spit on me. i was far from graceful. For the spitting incident, i don't feel bad at all for my reaction. I smacked him across the face and put a welt on him. He threatened to call the cops. For the hair pulling, yes, he got a physical reaction fro that too, but then I proceeded to tell him what a coward he was for that, which he decided to choke me for. Then he threatened to call the police and acted like he did, telling them i was crazy and was verbally abusing him. For my finish that day I emptied what was our room of the bedroom set he would be moving out with and packed everything that he would need that we would split up. i put it all in the extra room and then set up my stuff in the room. I was the last incident we had. he of course was sorry , yet gave me blame for what started all of it. long story, but trust me, it was him who started something out ofnothing, not me. He was drunk already. So I would say not only was i not graceful but there is a time not to be.
Okay , and just for the record. Among the tinks i didn't say here while we were in the same house during this time.( I didn't day because i knew many of the reactions and advice and I knew what i was trying to accomplish and the risk I was will to take.)
Soo.. he spit in my face once, and another time he picked me up from the back by my hair.i am not the kind woman to sit still if someone puts their hand or spit on me. i was far from graceful. For the spitting incident, i don't feel bad at all for my reaction. I smacked him across the face and put a welt on him. He threatened to call the cops. For the hair pulling, yes, he got a physical reaction fro that too, but then I proceeded to tell him what a coward he was for that, which he decided to choke me for. Then he threatened to call the police and acted like he did, telling them i was crazy and was verbally abusing him. For my finish that day I emptied what was our room of the bedroom set he would be moving out with and packed everything that he would need that we would split up. i put it all in the extra room and then set up my stuff in the room. I was the last incident we had. he of course was sorry , yet gave me blame for what started all of it. long story, but trust me, it was him who started something out ofnothing, not me. He was drunk already. So I would say not only was i not graceful but there is a time not to be.
1 Corinthians 13:1-13 love
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: IL
Posts: 435
thank you Pelican. I could not receive a greater compliment. thank you.
thansformyself: thank you, and yes you got it! you can speak softly when you know the truth is on your side and the truth is a big stick.
for those here who will follow through with divorce note the "fault divorce" is a big stick. When you run into problems irreconsilable difference is not a big stick. The truth and evidence of abuse is on your side.
Lulu, yes, i had just read yours. it was encouraging to me to.
thansformyself: thank you, and yes you got it! you can speak softly when you know the truth is on your side and the truth is a big stick.
for those here who will follow through with divorce note the "fault divorce" is a big stick. When you run into problems irreconsilable difference is not a big stick. The truth and evidence of abuse is on your side.
Lulu, yes, i had just read yours. it was encouraging to me to.
1 Corinthians 13:1-13 love
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: IL
Posts: 435
ImReadToQuit,
I am interested in what you point is, I don't want to assume to much but the verse you quote as stands alone in that context does reveal something to your thoughts but i am not sure of your perspective on it from things I have said above in this thread.
I will say this before you might respond as people will go read the verses you referenced, i am free to remarry even as my XAH lives because of my godly need for divorce. Abuse throws of the balance of the requirement in a normal situation and divorce becomes a righteous option. Marital abuse is a godly reason for divorce. This perspective is absent of the verse you quoted and is meant in the context for those who had no godly reason for divorce or live as if not married when married. the other would have been speaking of the old testament law which we know allows for divorce as he was speaking to those "who know the law." The point was brought about to show grace through Christ is superior to the law and the law is dead when the grace of Christ reins.
For we not under the law as to be found guilty when we do wrong, but instead we are freed even though we have done wrong because of undeserved favor to the guilty, through Christ.
Other scriptures give context to the freedom to remarry for certain cases of divorce.
I am one of the voices here who well speak from the christian perspective and can not let this pass as i know many come to this board who as christians remain in an abusive marriage situation only because they read a verse like you quoted but are not familiar with the context of the subject of marriage and the abuse of marriage as it is revealed in scripture and therefore the freedom to divorce and remarry.So it follows they then consider not getting divorced because if the do they believe it would not be a godly option for them to remarry. Then worse, some who may even have an immediate threat to their life becasue they think they just can't divorce so they stay!!!
Even tonight after i put up this thread someone put up a thread who is struggling with divorce because of their faith who it appears has reason to consider their divorce might be a godly decision. I will speak up on this issue loudly and clearly if only for them. So that when they make a decision to divorce and cry out in anguish of guilt that there is someone here that can say lets really look closely at the bible on that issue. They are crying out casue they are going to get the divorce even though they believe at present it is wrong yet they hope they will not have to live in the guilt they presently believe they carry. There are biblical allowance for divorce beyond adultery. And why is adultery a godly reason for divorce??? Because it is an abuse to the marriage. The big picture is abuse. God did not create marriage for abuse, but instead for the relationship that most reflects God's love and oneness of unity in relationship. Marriage is not where we should suffer. Marriage limbo is not the answer nor the solution of "being righteous" instead of divorcing an abuser.
So anyway, now why did you reference me Romans 7:2-3?
I am interested in what you point is, I don't want to assume to much but the verse you quote as stands alone in that context does reveal something to your thoughts but i am not sure of your perspective on it from things I have said above in this thread.
I will say this before you might respond as people will go read the verses you referenced, i am free to remarry even as my XAH lives because of my godly need for divorce. Abuse throws of the balance of the requirement in a normal situation and divorce becomes a righteous option. Marital abuse is a godly reason for divorce. This perspective is absent of the verse you quoted and is meant in the context for those who had no godly reason for divorce or live as if not married when married. the other would have been speaking of the old testament law which we know allows for divorce as he was speaking to those "who know the law." The point was brought about to show grace through Christ is superior to the law and the law is dead when the grace of Christ reins.
For we not under the law as to be found guilty when we do wrong, but instead we are freed even though we have done wrong because of undeserved favor to the guilty, through Christ.
Other scriptures give context to the freedom to remarry for certain cases of divorce.
I am one of the voices here who well speak from the christian perspective and can not let this pass as i know many come to this board who as christians remain in an abusive marriage situation only because they read a verse like you quoted but are not familiar with the context of the subject of marriage and the abuse of marriage as it is revealed in scripture and therefore the freedom to divorce and remarry.So it follows they then consider not getting divorced because if the do they believe it would not be a godly option for them to remarry. Then worse, some who may even have an immediate threat to their life becasue they think they just can't divorce so they stay!!!
Even tonight after i put up this thread someone put up a thread who is struggling with divorce because of their faith who it appears has reason to consider their divorce might be a godly decision. I will speak up on this issue loudly and clearly if only for them. So that when they make a decision to divorce and cry out in anguish of guilt that there is someone here that can say lets really look closely at the bible on that issue. They are crying out casue they are going to get the divorce even though they believe at present it is wrong yet they hope they will not have to live in the guilt they presently believe they carry. There are biblical allowance for divorce beyond adultery. And why is adultery a godly reason for divorce??? Because it is an abuse to the marriage. The big picture is abuse. God did not create marriage for abuse, but instead for the relationship that most reflects God's love and oneness of unity in relationship. Marriage is not where we should suffer. Marriage limbo is not the answer nor the solution of "being righteous" instead of divorcing an abuser.
So anyway, now why did you reference me Romans 7:2-3?
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 456
I appreciate your situation, however, there are ZERO scriptures that you can quote to be remarried while your husband is still living.
You can and SHOULD leave your husband and seperate, but that is still your husband. I only quoted that because you seem to be christian and you quote a lot of verses (cherry picked).. But the truth of the matter is, you chose him, you married him. And your stuck being married to him until you both leave this world (in the eyes of God). If you choose to remarry, you are in adultery. There is no way around it..
Not a debate. Just my 2 cents. And I agree with your decision to LEAVE.. However you are not single, you are still married, regardless of what man's law says.
You can and SHOULD leave your husband and seperate, but that is still your husband. I only quoted that because you seem to be christian and you quote a lot of verses (cherry picked).. But the truth of the matter is, you chose him, you married him. And your stuck being married to him until you both leave this world (in the eyes of God). If you choose to remarry, you are in adultery. There is no way around it..
Not a debate. Just my 2 cents. And I agree with your decision to LEAVE.. However you are not single, you are still married, regardless of what man's law says.
1 Corinthians 13:1-13 love
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: IL
Posts: 435
PieRat........perfect choice!!! Thank you!!!
( Bible Gateway in google for anybody that quickly wants to look up verses. The NIV is my version choice.)
( congrats is still.... i guess odd for me, but i know why it is said.)
( Bible Gateway in google for anybody that quickly wants to look up verses. The NIV is my version choice.)
( congrats is still.... i guess odd for me, but i know why it is said.)
1 Corinthians 13:1-13 love
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: IL
Posts: 435
Moderators , give me some room.
Actually you have started the debate. You reference a verse in intentional opposition to what I have said which you just clarified above. By they way which I can appreciate as you are wanting to stand by what you believe is the truth.
I do not cherry pick. You did. I have already given a very small amount of perspective to the verses you picked.
By they way, my ministry in the church and outside the church in missions was Christian apologetics. I defended the faith and worked in the counter cult ministry. So I worked with abuse victims in abusive religious movements and/or their families. Scripture twisting and pretexting a verse are not something I do. I am sharing here so i do not clarify and explain every verse i use and why. I am not being asked to teach or to build a case. I am just sharing the love of God i know and know the Spirit will work.
Because the moderatores will cut off a debate on this issue even if it serves people i will not make mine. It can me made: I am not still married and i am single and i am free to remarry.
Iamreadytoquit: I didn't quit and God set me free. i prayed and i searched and i read the scriptures. I went seeking and spoke to a number of theologians and read their views. And I know this, I fear God and serve a higher judge then you. i know I someday will stand before and take account for everything I have done while in this body. While I am free and my salvation is guarenteed , for their is no condemnation in Christ, how i live with that freedom will be judged at the bemis seat were i will be rewarded or lose reward. You to stand before a higher judge then me.
thank you , i give you the benifit of the doubt that you want to protect what you think i am falsely sharing. but i would like to warn you also, you might want to consider that you are telling people that in the case of abuse they are married in God's site and that they have to live in marriage limbo as the only godly option. " Yes, leave but be faithful your you abusive husband/wife until he/she dies and be as an untouchable woman/man. You have tunnel vision on this subject. Your response reveals that here. you are piece mealing it together, cherry picking scriptures, instead of a systematic position of the entire subject of marriage and divorce from scripture. ( i understand :-) Or are you assuming i cannot "debate" my position and share my perspective from multiple verses of scripture? You are wrong to say that no verses cover the issue of remarriage and divorce. Since you said no debate you do not want me to reference them, right? It would be debate to challenge this statement you made ," there are ZERO scriptures that you can quote to be remarried while your husband is still living. "
You should just get to make statements like that and they should go unchalleged, no "debate? "
Then no debate , and my statement to you since you said this to me in a public forum is: your wrong, there are and i can. If anybody needs to know this and is truly interested, feel free to email me or message me and i will talk on this subject with you.
Actually you have started the debate. You reference a verse in intentional opposition to what I have said which you just clarified above. By they way which I can appreciate as you are wanting to stand by what you believe is the truth.
I do not cherry pick. You did. I have already given a very small amount of perspective to the verses you picked.
By they way, my ministry in the church and outside the church in missions was Christian apologetics. I defended the faith and worked in the counter cult ministry. So I worked with abuse victims in abusive religious movements and/or their families. Scripture twisting and pretexting a verse are not something I do. I am sharing here so i do not clarify and explain every verse i use and why. I am not being asked to teach or to build a case. I am just sharing the love of God i know and know the Spirit will work.
Because the moderatores will cut off a debate on this issue even if it serves people i will not make mine. It can me made: I am not still married and i am single and i am free to remarry.
Iamreadytoquit: I didn't quit and God set me free. i prayed and i searched and i read the scriptures. I went seeking and spoke to a number of theologians and read their views. And I know this, I fear God and serve a higher judge then you. i know I someday will stand before and take account for everything I have done while in this body. While I am free and my salvation is guarenteed , for their is no condemnation in Christ, how i live with that freedom will be judged at the bemis seat were i will be rewarded or lose reward. You to stand before a higher judge then me.
thank you , i give you the benifit of the doubt that you want to protect what you think i am falsely sharing. but i would like to warn you also, you might want to consider that you are telling people that in the case of abuse they are married in God's site and that they have to live in marriage limbo as the only godly option. " Yes, leave but be faithful your you abusive husband/wife until he/she dies and be as an untouchable woman/man. You have tunnel vision on this subject. Your response reveals that here. you are piece mealing it together, cherry picking scriptures, instead of a systematic position of the entire subject of marriage and divorce from scripture. ( i understand :-) Or are you assuming i cannot "debate" my position and share my perspective from multiple verses of scripture? You are wrong to say that no verses cover the issue of remarriage and divorce. Since you said no debate you do not want me to reference them, right? It would be debate to challenge this statement you made ," there are ZERO scriptures that you can quote to be remarried while your husband is still living. "
You should just get to make statements like that and they should go unchalleged, no "debate? "
Then no debate , and my statement to you since you said this to me in a public forum is: your wrong, there are and i can. If anybody needs to know this and is truly interested, feel free to email me or message me and i will talk on this subject with you.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
MeHandle congratulations on your newfound freedom and courage. My mom had a religious upbringing and divorcing was really hard even when she was not religious then (but still a believer). You dear MeHandle helped me a lot through my own journey and you always reminded me of God and compassion. MY heart hurt when I read what this person did but all that is the past now.
There are SR guidelines that state
Experience
Strength
Hope
Humor (I added this one as it is healing as well)
There are SR guidelines that state
Experience
Strength
Hope
Humor (I added this one as it is healing as well)
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
i'm delighted that you have been successful in your divorce and have come to peaceful reconciliation regarding God's view on this matter.
i would render a bet that come this saturday, you will begin a new peaceful, drama free life for yourself.
congrats.
naive
i would render a bet that come this saturday, you will begin a new peaceful, drama free life for yourself.
congrats.
naive
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,126
Ohgoody, goody, goody......cut 'n paste scriptures; let's do these two.....:
Matt 27:5 "...he went and hanged himselfhe went and hanged himselfhe went and hanged himself..."
and
Luke 10:37 "...Jesus said, 'Go and do the same.'..."
LOLOL.....gotta luv that cut 'n paste.
Matt 27:5 "...he went and hanged himselfhe went and hanged himselfhe went and hanged himself..."
and
Luke 10:37 "...Jesus said, 'Go and do the same.'..."
LOLOL.....gotta luv that cut 'n paste.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I am going to ask each of you to respect each other.
The original poster here is sharing her story and her religious beliefs are hers alone, and not to be attacked or debated. You don't have to agree, you just need to follow the rules here and respect her right to her religious views on this matter.
I am not going to close this thread just now, because I believe you are all capable of offering your support for MeHandle, or making the choice not to post at all on this thread and because MeHandle recognized that it was getting heated and asked for moderator tolerance.
A little chill out is required please.
Thank you all for understanding.
Ann
SR Moderator
The original poster here is sharing her story and her religious beliefs are hers alone, and not to be attacked or debated. You don't have to agree, you just need to follow the rules here and respect her right to her religious views on this matter.
I am not going to close this thread just now, because I believe you are all capable of offering your support for MeHandle, or making the choice not to post at all on this thread and because MeHandle recognized that it was getting heated and asked for moderator tolerance.
A little chill out is required please.
Thank you all for understanding.
Ann
SR Moderator
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
How are you feeling today, MeHandle ?
I am still glad you keep taking care of yourself and that you remembered us and came back to share.
I remember who you were then and it is amazing how much you have grown in such a little time. I feel your peace now..
I am still glad you keep taking care of yourself and that you remembered us and came back to share.
I remember who you were then and it is amazing how much you have grown in such a little time. I feel your peace now..
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