MissFixit

I am fine, but realized something that might be important.

I still want to believe former friends like my ex who lied to me. I have a soft spot for them.


WHY??????????????????

dollydo

Pollyanna complex?

It is easier to just agree than challenge?

I really have no clue.

I'm not much help, maybe someone else will know.

lulu1974

If it helps, for me it took time. With time I received more understanding and acceptance. These days I dont really think of him or have a soft spot. But I realize I need no contact so I dont fall back into the trap. But give yourself time. To grieve and to heal. It does get better. I never believed that but it does!!

MissFixit

Hi and thanks.

Pollyanna complex sounds interesting. Did you just make that up?

It isn't the greiving the relationship thing. I don't think it has much to do with the people who lied to me. It has to do with me. I think I have a would rather live in a world where people don't lie and cheat. When dealing with these types of base behaviors I don't have the ability to understand them. They hurt others and keep doing it. I don't act like that, so I have trouble believing that others do act like that. I think to keep my mental picture of the world and my judgement in tact, struggle to want to understand or see some good in vile actions.

HoopNinja

Exactly! But where does this come from? Is it because we spent so many years deluding ourselves that life was just fine. I was a criminal investigator for 12 years and finally had enough-it fried me for this very reason. How can people be so vile to another? Lying is not necessarily as vile as the stuff I dealt with--but still, when I got involved with my 1st A (well maybe 2nd since my mom was #1) I truly could not fathom that he would lie and cheat. My shrink used to make fun of me (in a nice way). He said I would look totally bewildered when I talked about stuff like this and just shake my head--because I did not get it. He said he did not know if I would ever get the fact that everyone has different life experiences that bring them to the place where they are at the time--and they behave in a way comfortable to them.

Lying and cheating is not comfortable to me--so I expect others to be in the same place I am. Which according to the good doctor, was not realistic. But I still struggle with it. When people are mean to me--just for the sake of being mean I don't try to reason with them now and try to figure out why they did that. I just try to accept that is where they are now--and I don't want to be part of it.

Does that make sense? I'm still working on this myself! So any other insights would be interesting--because I do think it is our problem--not theirs. I'm not gullible--I know people are lying to me--I just can't see the point.

Still Waters

I don't assume that people are lying to me. I don't assume that people are making up their past, feeding me a line of baloney. I'd prefer to assume that what they say is the truth.

I don't think there is anything wrong with this.

What is wrong is to want to believe someone who has been proven to be a liar.

MeHandle

Anybody can be conned when lied too, conned to believe the sob story. Now, once you discover the lie and the con , yet your soft spots wants to let them get away with it...... then your problem is more then a soft spot. My to sense or cents worth.:-)

MissFixit

What is the problem? I need a label for this one.

HoopNinja

LMAO--I just looked up "wanting to believe people who have lied to you in the past" on a reverse dictionary and the first word was run

Words related to "wanting to believe people who have lied to you in the past" - OneLook Dictionary Search

I kid you not--although it told me the reverse dictionary gets confused by long queries--so at least you are not alone!

TakingCharge999

I still don't talk with any common friends/acquaintances, just too many bad memories.

However I find myself smiling to one of his best friends. He doesnt smile back. He never did ANYTHING for me. And I feel like an idiot. Its weird. We were coworkers previously, are coworkers now, were roomies once, travelled together, and he has always been more friend than XABF than mine. So I think its courteous common sense but it makes me feel like a doormat and superdumb.

So as you may have noticed I'm way more confused, but I kind of get the feeling.


Have you tried making that question on paper? sometimes I get answers that way.

I learned that from asking diseases what they were trying to teach me. Sore throat? I never speak up and avoid expressing feelings. Low defenses? victimhood, vulnerability. Allergies (defenses that actually work VERY WELL... against INNOCENT stuff)? rejecting life, contact with nature, rejecting love and innocence that comes my way.

Or perhaps its one of those things that one never gets but you just got to AVOID. Go No Contact. I would advise going No Contact with those friends. So the temptation to believe in anything they quack is no longer there..... works for me...... remove the host parasites altogether...


I send you good vibes, Miss. I always remember you when I eat a subway while reading a People magazine, I recall you enjoy that as much as me...

dollydo

No I did not make it up:

That you are "disgustingly" positive. That you have a Pollyanna complex, that is, you are naïve a optimist who always expects people to act decently, despite strong evidence to the contrary.

Is this you?

MissFixit

Thanks.

Disgustingly positive sounds negative. I don't like that phrase. I guess for me I have to look ahead to keep myself going. That must include people too. Hoping that people can change and come around to a positive and healthy place.

Part of it is me too though. I freak myself out when I think about loving someone who could behave poorly to me. I want to think that someone I love could never do that. There must be a reason. For example, he is an A, so he is sick. Reason. It scares me that my judgement might be really bad about people in my life.

Jenny1232

This thread couldn't have come at a better time. I'm with you MissFixit. It doesn't matter how many times someone has lied to me - in my heart, I still believe them.

It's hard to fathom that people behave this way. It doesn't make sense to me. I consider myself either oblivious or naive... even while facing the facts, I'm in denial.

Perhaps maybe, it is a coping mechanism? You don't want to deal with the truth.. so you let your self believe otherwise?

dollydo

I agree, first sentence does sound negative, came from the net.

I have been accused of being overly optismistic, and, I must agree, however, I have chosen not to do anything about it. Negativity just doesn't suit my mentality level.

As far as men go, my picker is broke, I have given up on that aspect of my life. I have had enough men over the years, now I stick to my dogs!

You have plenty of time to find Mr. Right, he is out there somewhere!

Left, Right, Left, Right.

TakingCharge999

Maybe you are afraid of trusting yourself first because it may not be familiar to you? well I know that is my case.

Realizing that you are doing what you are doing is a huge step forward!

What are you going to do about those people?

HoopNinja

My friends have told me this and that if I ever decide to date again that the guy will have to be reviewed by a panel of my friends to determine if he is a decent person. It was said in jest, yet not really in jest.