codenameamy

Hi,

My husband feels like when I enforce my boundaries I am trying to punish him for not doing what I want him to do. I tried to explain that I'm only trying to protect myself but he just thinks I'm being mean.

He came home from work last night stoned and that is pretty much the one and only boundary I have set for myself. I said no to sex and cuddling because I don't feel like connecting with him in that way when he is stoned.

How can I explain to him that my boundaries make me feel good and I don't do it to punish him? Is it even worth trying to get him to understand? He won't even fully admit he has a problem right now so it seems pointless to try and get min to see where I am coming from.

I have a lot to learn.

Thanks for listening
~Amy

outtolunch

A healthy boundary does not attempt to change the outcome. He is free to get stoned, or not.

What you choose to do with your body is your business.

The rest is manipulation on his part.

praiseHim

Good for you, you are doing nothing wrong.

codenameamy

Thank you guys.

When I think of it as "taking away his cookies" it makes me smile. Thanks Anvilhead
You are so right, I've dealt with many tantrums in my time as a mommy and my conversation with him this morning felt a lot like that.

Later he sent me a text saying he's sorry he brought it up and it wasn't fair to make me explain myself. I think I'm beginning to realize that he probably will never understand where I'm coming from and why I feel the need to protect myself. He just doesn't get it. period. Maybe if he actually admitted he's an addict and started learning about recovery he might get it.

But, like Outtolunch said, I can't set a boundary expecting it to change his behavior. During our discussion this morning I said many times that I'm not trying to stop him from doing anything, I'm just trying to protect myself and make myself feel good. I think I'm starting to get a little understanding of what I need to do to be happy and that is such a relief.

Sometimes I just need a little validation from someone who understands, thanks Praisehim.

~Amy

Christen

No one likes it when at first when a loved one puts up some new boundaries. I think it just takes some maturity to understand why someone feels the need for these boundaries, and maturity just isn't a characteriestic of an active addict. Stay tough girl friend; because it might take him a long time to accept your boundaries. But keep doing the right thing (even when it gets tough).

dollydo

"And maturity just isn't a characteriestic of an active addict".

I second that! My ex-abf had the emotional IQ of a 14 year old...wonder why? Could it be that is when he started using? I'd say yes.

Bounderies are put in place to protect you, if they are not enforced then they are useless, and the addict knows it. By not enforcing your bounderies you are putting the addict in the drivers seat and you continue to sit in the back seat.

That is a personal choice, some people like to be driven around, others like to put the pedal to the metal and leave the addict in their dust.