Looking for reminders on why it is important not to relationship jump...
Just for today....
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Venus
Posts: 118
Looking for reminders on why it is important not to relationship jump...
I had a rough weekend...it was my first weekend without the kids (STBX had them) I had a random note left on my front door while I was out saying "Your old man is having sex with my fiance..blah blah blah" and I discovered STBX was now seriously "dating" someone..a friend of his sister....
Anyway, I went out Friday and Saturday night, boy did I have fun! Anyway I ended up giving someone my phone number...we text back and forth a couple days, and then I didn't hear from him...I immediately felt awful...I felt rejected and like I wasn't good enough...it was making me crazy why this person didn't text me....I was scared to death....It was the most horrible feeling.
Then I realized something, I need to s-l-o-w down...I kept in constant contact with STBX all the time because that was my reassurance he wasn't doing anything bad...if I didn't hear back from him within like 10 minutes, I panicked. I lived like this for 11 long years.
When I met him, I had left my first husband on a Saturday and met my STBX on a Wednesday. We met for the first time on Thursday and were inseperable the rest of the time (we were both very unhealthy obviously)
Right now I feel rejected, less than and confused...because of a COMPLETE STRANGER!!! I have been out 4 times and either got a phone number or gave mine away. I know I am nowhere near ready to bring someone else into my life right now, so what am I doing? My divorce will be final in September...I have tried to tell myself to give it a year, but I feel so anxious... I can't even look at these people I meet as " interesting people" I go from hello to being married to them in my mind...
What's going on and how can I slow down and keep the focus on myself and my kids?
Oh, btw....He moved out last week !
Anyway, I went out Friday and Saturday night, boy did I have fun! Anyway I ended up giving someone my phone number...we text back and forth a couple days, and then I didn't hear from him...I immediately felt awful...I felt rejected and like I wasn't good enough...it was making me crazy why this person didn't text me....I was scared to death....It was the most horrible feeling.
Then I realized something, I need to s-l-o-w down...I kept in constant contact with STBX all the time because that was my reassurance he wasn't doing anything bad...if I didn't hear back from him within like 10 minutes, I panicked. I lived like this for 11 long years.
When I met him, I had left my first husband on a Saturday and met my STBX on a Wednesday. We met for the first time on Thursday and were inseperable the rest of the time (we were both very unhealthy obviously)
Right now I feel rejected, less than and confused...because of a COMPLETE STRANGER!!! I have been out 4 times and either got a phone number or gave mine away. I know I am nowhere near ready to bring someone else into my life right now, so what am I doing? My divorce will be final in September...I have tried to tell myself to give it a year, but I feel so anxious... I can't even look at these people I meet as " interesting people" I go from hello to being married to them in my mind...
What's going on and how can I slow down and keep the focus on myself and my kids?
Oh, btw....He moved out last week !
A Pirate looks at 40
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Southeast of Disorder (FL)
Posts: 264
Originally Posted by anvilhead 
i'd suggest picking different activities? seriously, if i can't control myself when i see donuts, then it behooves me to steer clear of the Krispy Kreme.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Reality, NJ
Posts: 853
I just did this and had the same exact experience. I decided to really slow down and pulled out my alanon books. It helped me to refocus. Just my two cents but dear, you are not alone. I know my self worth is questionable now so I need to work on that first. Then date later. I also felt so rejected by someone who is a friend and things went beyond friendship one day. But back to me!!
Hugs
Lulu
Hugs
Lulu
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Little Rock, Arkansas
Posts: 161
I am having the same issues myself. I stayed in contact with her for two years straight, hardly ever missing a day. She got sober in rehab for two 6 month periods and things were great. Now she relapses inside the walls of the same rehab and runs off with the first guy, who tells her he is in love with her. It's like I was nothing and she seems that everything now is "hunky dory" as if this guy a recovering alocoholic himself is the answer to her prayers. This guy worked at the detox center where she has been three times, maybe she thinks he can keep her sober?
It is tough, tough, tough, but somehow I am still breathing.
You want the hurt to stop so bad, and I have been looking around. It is almost like well she is happy, why can't I be?
It is tough, tough, tough, but somehow I am still breathing.
You want the hurt to stop so bad, and I have been looking around. It is almost like well she is happy, why can't I be?
A Pirate looks at 40
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Southeast of Disorder (FL)
Posts: 264
Originally Posted by mrphillipctrs1
I am having the same issues myself. I stayed in contact with her for two years straight, hardly ever missing a day. She got sober in rehab for two 6 month periods and things were great. Now she relapses inside the walls of the same rehab and runs off with the first guy, who tells her he is in love with her. It's like I was nothing and she seems that everything now is "hunky dory" as if this guy a recovering alocoholic himself is the answer to her prayers. This guy worked at the detox center where she has been three times, maybe she thinks he can keep her sober?
It is tough, tough, tough, but somehow I am still breathing.
You want the hurt to stop so bad, and I have been looking around. It is almost like well she is happy, why can't I be?
It is tough, tough, tough, but somehow I am still breathing.
You want the hurt to stop so bad, and I have been looking around. It is almost like well she is happy, why can't I be?
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
You're not dovorced yet. It's completely unfair to your next romantic interest to present yourself as a got my **** together with no issues mate until you are. You don't want to be that needy woman that can't survive without a man. Give yourself time.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 19
You know, I have impulse control issues, as well. The texting thing can get crazy with me, too. I remind myself the following:
1.) I was fearfully and wonderfully made
2.) No man can guarantee my happiness. (Damn, I wish they sure could.)
3.) God has plans to bless me and not hurt me
4.) Run from confusion
5.) Acknowledge it's okay to want attention, but it feels better to give it to others.
I'll be thinking of you and say a prayer you can believe good things about yourself.
1.) I was fearfully and wonderfully made
2.) No man can guarantee my happiness. (Damn, I wish they sure could.)
3.) God has plans to bless me and not hurt me
4.) Run from confusion
5.) Acknowledge it's okay to want attention, but it feels better to give it to others.
I'll be thinking of you and say a prayer you can believe good things about yourself.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Pelican's guide to dating in 2010:
Get a magic jack
It is a phone line that plugs into your computer. You hook your land phone into the magic jack. (slows down the computer when plugged in)
Give the magic jack phone number out to person's of interest. (texting not an option) Tell them what times are convenient (6-10 pm) and only keep the magic jack plugged in during those times.
When you find out the real deal on this person of interest, you can unplug the magic jack and never, ever hear from them again.
Next rule,
always take your own vehicle and meet in public places.
Rule for intimacy,
Doctors receipt for STD tests.
If things look good and a relationship starts:
I get to read your divorce papers to see what the judge thinks was the reason for the end of your last marriage. I also get to see how long your finances, retirement and life are enmeshed with the last relationship.
Edited to add: As you can tell, I am not in a hurry to meet my next X
Get a magic jack
It is a phone line that plugs into your computer. You hook your land phone into the magic jack. (slows down the computer when plugged in)
Give the magic jack phone number out to person's of interest. (texting not an option) Tell them what times are convenient (6-10 pm) and only keep the magic jack plugged in during those times.
When you find out the real deal on this person of interest, you can unplug the magic jack and never, ever hear from them again.
Next rule,
always take your own vehicle and meet in public places.
Rule for intimacy,
Doctors receipt for STD tests.
If things look good and a relationship starts:
I get to read your divorce papers to see what the judge thinks was the reason for the end of your last marriage. I also get to see how long your finances, retirement and life are enmeshed with the last relationship.
Edited to add: As you can tell, I am not in a hurry to meet my next X
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
And....
Pull a credit report, criminal background check, psychological check up using shrink of your choice, and willingness to sign a pre-nup in a "hypothetical" long term relationship.
Then you should be good to go.
Pull a credit report, criminal background check, psychological check up using shrink of your choice, and willingness to sign a pre-nup in a "hypothetical" long term relationship.
Then you should be good to go.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
I learned in therapy that I was trying to fill the emptiness inside with affection from another person. I learned that I felt good about myself only if someone of the opposite sex was attracted to me. The reasons I got this way are very personal. Other people have other reasons, but the end result is the same. I could not feel confident and worthy and good about myself without that outside validation.
It has been a wonderful gift of recovery to be able to feel good regardless of what others think. The gift my parents never gave me as a child, I found a way to give myself later in life. The discomfort and anxiety needed to overcome those beliefs was a small price to pay.
L
It has been a wonderful gift of recovery to be able to feel good regardless of what others think. The gift my parents never gave me as a child, I found a way to give myself later in life. The discomfort and anxiety needed to overcome those beliefs was a small price to pay.
L
today4me
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 311
Originally Posted by Pelican
Pelican's guide to dating in 2010:
Rule for intimacy,
Doctors receipt for STD tests.
Rule for intimacy,
Doctors receipt for STD tests.
Even if they were clean it's a sign they are not into you or wanting to establish trust if they can't respond to that request.
Excellent post Pelican.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Good ideas for dating nowdays, BUT, if I put the fellows and myself thru this "security check", by the time the results are thru, some of us could have forgotten what they were waiting for, and others may have decided they are too old by then.
Enjoyed this thread, as I wondered what the great hurry was.....after all, having been scorched from 1 chap, why would someone want to rush into the same dangerous place again?
I think it safer and smarter to do a bit of restoration work on me first, and when I feel able and capable of looking a new relationship in the eye, I can do so.
Chasing after whatever, when in desperate mode, usually means big mistakes and a lot of tears along the track.
I am way past desperate,....thank God.
God bless
Enjoyed this thread, as I wondered what the great hurry was.....after all, having been scorched from 1 chap, why would someone want to rush into the same dangerous place again?
I think it safer and smarter to do a bit of restoration work on me first, and when I feel able and capable of looking a new relationship in the eye, I can do so.
Chasing after whatever, when in desperate mode, usually means big mistakes and a lot of tears along the track.
I am way past desperate,....thank God.
God bless
Just for today....
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Venus
Posts: 118
Thanks for the replies...you guys are so funny...and yes, i work for a government agency so I do ask for ID's before I give a number out...I like to verify they 1. Have a valid drivers license 2. See where they live 3. Remember their name so I can go home and do a felony check, a CSC check and Google them. If they say they are divorced I go to the circuit court website public records section and read all about who initated it, what happened, etc.... I cover alot of those bases...
I thnik the problem I was having was just feeling so low, and my self esteem was so low, coming out of a failing marriage, STBX already had a girlfriend after 3 months, blah blah. I am not sure if I have any intentions on bringing anyone into my life to date seriously, but I thnik I just need some validation that "I am still wanted". I would never bring anyone around my children, or my home and I give my cell # only, which is unlisted, but I think I was thinking it was a fun distraction to have men seem interested in me. It made me feel good that someone was paying attention, but I see now that that is mjisleading to someone else and totally unfair if I have no intentions on dating them.
I checked out 5 books from the library yesterday...Journaled, and made a promise to myself to not go to the bar again (this is where this happens) until I am in a place where I am not "seeking" anyone out to give me attention....
My kids must have told me last night about 20 times that they loved me...I got hugs, kisses and all the attention I needed from them. I think I will just step back, breathe and try to go through this process the best I can...I know better than to jump into anything else right now...It's just really hard for me coming from a total codie relationship..putting the focus on me and getting to know myself is proving to be way more difficult than I had thought...
I thnik the problem I was having was just feeling so low, and my self esteem was so low, coming out of a failing marriage, STBX already had a girlfriend after 3 months, blah blah. I am not sure if I have any intentions on bringing anyone into my life to date seriously, but I thnik I just need some validation that "I am still wanted". I would never bring anyone around my children, or my home and I give my cell # only, which is unlisted, but I think I was thinking it was a fun distraction to have men seem interested in me. It made me feel good that someone was paying attention, but I see now that that is mjisleading to someone else and totally unfair if I have no intentions on dating them.
I checked out 5 books from the library yesterday...Journaled, and made a promise to myself to not go to the bar again (this is where this happens) until I am in a place where I am not "seeking" anyone out to give me attention....
My kids must have told me last night about 20 times that they loved me...I got hugs, kisses and all the attention I needed from them. I think I will just step back, breathe and try to go through this process the best I can...I know better than to jump into anything else right now...It's just really hard for me coming from a total codie relationship..putting the focus on me and getting to know myself is proving to be way more difficult than I had thought...
A Pirate looks at 40
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Southeast of Disorder (FL)
Posts: 264
Originally Posted by froglegs
My kids must have told me last night about 20 times that they loved me...I got hugs, kisses and all the attention I needed from them. I think I will just step back, breathe and try to go through this process the best I can...I know better than to jump into anything else right now...It's just really hard for me coming from a total codie relationship..putting the focus on me and getting to know myself is proving to be way more difficult than I had thought...
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