Here's a nightmare story..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
Here's a nightmare story..
I just came from a meeting where I saw a young woman from my home group that I hadn't seen in the rooms in a couple weeks, "Juanita."
Juanita had almost a year clean last month when I last saw her, was announcing her upcoming year clean anniversary. We'd ordered the medallion and the cake already. She had a nice little recovery job, her son back, a cute little state-funded rehab apartment, even a clean, well-running used car. Her life looked like it was coming together nicely, with her sponsor's guidance and step work.
But she was crying today, and picked up a new one-day surrender white chip.
Guess what happened to Juanita? She couldn't leave still-using "Juan" alone. He kept relapsing, and she thought she was doing well enough to be around him. After all, he never did it around her, right? So she and her son let him stay with them in their apt as long as he didn't drink or use other drugs there.
Of course, they gradually started to argue. After all, there is a lot of difference between the lifestyle of a recovering addict and a using addict.
Finally, three weeks ago, she refused to lend him any more money or "have relations" with him as he was obviously high one night. So he raped her, got her coked up, then took her, unwillingly she says, in her car to do a robbery in the next town. He got chased down by the responding police, crashed her nice little car, and they both got arrested. The police didn't believe she was an unwilling partner in crime. So she is now facing a felony court date. She got bailed out by her loving and codie parents, but she had already gotten fired, since her story hit the small-town paper. They left Juan in the can, which is where he needs to be, IMO.
Her parents checked her back into rehab, and she came back in tonight. A lot that she built up in the past year of work, her job, car, her clean time, the trust of her family, her son's fragile new peace of mind, even her apartment, are now gone.
I guess my point is that our disease, codependency, can hurt us and our children as much as drug addiction, if taken to the extreme. She would never have gone on a robbery, not with her background and her options without this man. She just couldn't let him alone. Thankfully, she still has her life, and maybe she'll even avoid jail, since it is her first criminal charge. It's a hard way to learn to leave a using addict alone, isn't it?
Love,
KJ
Juanita had almost a year clean last month when I last saw her, was announcing her upcoming year clean anniversary. We'd ordered the medallion and the cake already. She had a nice little recovery job, her son back, a cute little state-funded rehab apartment, even a clean, well-running used car. Her life looked like it was coming together nicely, with her sponsor's guidance and step work.
But she was crying today, and picked up a new one-day surrender white chip.
Guess what happened to Juanita? She couldn't leave still-using "Juan" alone. He kept relapsing, and she thought she was doing well enough to be around him. After all, he never did it around her, right? So she and her son let him stay with them in their apt as long as he didn't drink or use other drugs there.
Of course, they gradually started to argue. After all, there is a lot of difference between the lifestyle of a recovering addict and a using addict.
Finally, three weeks ago, she refused to lend him any more money or "have relations" with him as he was obviously high one night. So he raped her, got her coked up, then took her, unwillingly she says, in her car to do a robbery in the next town. He got chased down by the responding police, crashed her nice little car, and they both got arrested. The police didn't believe she was an unwilling partner in crime. So she is now facing a felony court date. She got bailed out by her loving and codie parents, but she had already gotten fired, since her story hit the small-town paper. They left Juan in the can, which is where he needs to be, IMO.
Her parents checked her back into rehab, and she came back in tonight. A lot that she built up in the past year of work, her job, car, her clean time, the trust of her family, her son's fragile new peace of mind, even her apartment, are now gone.
I guess my point is that our disease, codependency, can hurt us and our children as much as drug addiction, if taken to the extreme. She would never have gone on a robbery, not with her background and her options without this man. She just couldn't let him alone. Thankfully, she still has her life, and maybe she'll even avoid jail, since it is her first criminal charge. It's a hard way to learn to leave a using addict alone, isn't it?
Love,
KJ
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Indeed this is a sad story, and even sadder is that it is not that uncommon. Until she "surrenders" and learns that it takes a lot of work to stay clean, even after a year, she will be vulnerable to her addiction (with or without another addict in the picture).
And it's also a clear representation of how codependency can drag us right down with the addict. Just being with someone who is a criminal can draw us in and their consequences become ours. Sometimes we get so used to "the life" that goes with addiction, that we fail to see just how dark it has become. People have lost their children, their homes and their life just because they could not "let go".
My prayers go out for this girl. I hope the judge will look at her past year and the circumstances and perhaps give her the option of rehab rather than jail. Let's hope she gets more help, regardless of what her sentence may be.
Thank you for sharing this, there is a big lesson in there that just may save one person from repeating the kind of mistake that has ruined this woman's life.
Hugs
And it's also a clear representation of how codependency can drag us right down with the addict. Just being with someone who is a criminal can draw us in and their consequences become ours. Sometimes we get so used to "the life" that goes with addiction, that we fail to see just how dark it has become. People have lost their children, their homes and their life just because they could not "let go".
My prayers go out for this girl. I hope the judge will look at her past year and the circumstances and perhaps give her the option of rehab rather than jail. Let's hope she gets more help, regardless of what her sentence may be.
Thank you for sharing this, there is a big lesson in there that just may save one person from repeating the kind of mistake that has ruined this woman's life.
Hugs
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
You know, the fact that she picked up a one day chip shows courage and determination on her part. That will go a long way to helping her get back on a good path and staying there.
This story also give me a whole new respect for our "double winners" here, those who have been addicted and are in recovery for both the addiction and codependency. How hard it must be for them to leave behind those who have not yet found recovery.
Special hugs for all those who could have walked in the woman's shoes.
This story also give me a whole new respect for our "double winners" here, those who have been addicted and are in recovery for both the addiction and codependency. How hard it must be for them to leave behind those who have not yet found recovery.
Special hugs for all those who could have walked in the woman's shoes.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
Thanks for sharing this story. I'm glad that she picked up her one-day chip. I know that her year of work won't be a waste. I'm sure she learned a lot along the way. This is a good story for all us codies. I know that there isn't much difference between me and an addict. My addiction has been addicts. I have seen stories of codies who become addicts, and I can see why that happens. This story shows how important it is for all of us to take care of ourselves and do things for us.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
It is true that many codies who might not otherwise have slipped into drug addiction find there way to that disease through a codie relationship. Certainly, it played a part in my story. I always had the tendency, liked to take pain pills, tended to work my doc a bit to get a refill or two after a surgery. But I didn't develop full-blown addiction until my 40's when I began a codie relationship with a using addict who became a steady source. On my own, I lacked the nerve to buy drugs illegally, even to forge a prescription. Without someone pushing me a bit, I might not have ever developed a dependency at all.
However, I made my own choices, and I was the one who had to pay the price and live with the consequences, as we all do. I have no major regrets, because even though I wasn't in addiction before I met my exabf, I was still sick in many ways. I was looking for a way to run away from the way I felt, as is true for most of us addicts and codies. Without the pain of active addiction, I wouldn't have found true recovery either, and I wouldn't have worked on myself or become the happy person that I am today without the experience of addiction. For me, drugs were a wake-up call. But I didn't use very long, so my wreckage is not so bad as most.
This girl, Juanita, has been advised by her sponsor (and all of her network, too) to leave Juan alone. I hope that she can figure out a way to do that, although she always seems to go back to him. I hope she's finally reached her own bottom, both in codie behavior and in her addiction. She has my number, so maybe she'll call, if she is serious.
Love,
KJ
However, I made my own choices, and I was the one who had to pay the price and live with the consequences, as we all do. I have no major regrets, because even though I wasn't in addiction before I met my exabf, I was still sick in many ways. I was looking for a way to run away from the way I felt, as is true for most of us addicts and codies. Without the pain of active addiction, I wouldn't have found true recovery either, and I wouldn't have worked on myself or become the happy person that I am today without the experience of addiction. For me, drugs were a wake-up call. But I didn't use very long, so my wreckage is not so bad as most.
This girl, Juanita, has been advised by her sponsor (and all of her network, too) to leave Juan alone. I hope that she can figure out a way to do that, although she always seems to go back to him. I hope she's finally reached her own bottom, both in codie behavior and in her addiction. She has my number, so maybe she'll call, if she is serious.
Love,
KJ
it is what it is
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Griffin GA
Posts: 454
I am new to this forum, but I am finding so very quickly that there is indeed "nothing new under the sun" - My son has been an addict for 7 years - it took me a long to time to "find out" what was going on - largely because I could not accept that he would do something so damaging to himself and his family - whatever got him to this point - he is also now facing criminal issues due to his addiction activities - He was in recovery but was not taking it seriously - things got out of hand and very quickly went badly - I am praying that whatever the outcome will be the answer to his problem - he is in jail right now awaiting further consequences but at this point I am just thankful that he is alive and safe -
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