What to do....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Posts: 15
What to do....
Hello,
I am fairly new to this website. I have read a lot of posts here, and seem to relate strongly to quite a few. I need some advice and would appreciate greatly receiving some.
My mother died from overdose of all different painkillers. So it would make sense that i would fall deeply in love with a heroin addict. At the time i met him he was not using yet but all the signs were there...the dark troubled and tormented soul whom i would try my hardest to make love me. We went through 2 years of our cycle which included the great times he would hide everything and i would be in denial, and the times he would be in heavy addiction and i would cling on as the co-dependent that i am.
Right now, he is in a 6 month rehab program. I have not seen him in 5 months and as painful as it has been we have kept in touch through it all. I have gotten my own therapist and trying very hard to learn new coping skills on my own and to not be meshed with him and his issues.
However, In 2 weeks I have a trip planned to go visit him where his rehab is, I have not seen him in 5 months...as I am reading all the posts here I am becoming more and more aware of what a drug addict can potentially do to my life. The only catch is that he is in rehab for so long and doing so well, he wants to marry me est...but i am scared..so very scared...I want to proceed with caution but i am afraid I do not know how....
I am fairly new to this website. I have read a lot of posts here, and seem to relate strongly to quite a few. I need some advice and would appreciate greatly receiving some.
My mother died from overdose of all different painkillers. So it would make sense that i would fall deeply in love with a heroin addict. At the time i met him he was not using yet but all the signs were there...the dark troubled and tormented soul whom i would try my hardest to make love me. We went through 2 years of our cycle which included the great times he would hide everything and i would be in denial, and the times he would be in heavy addiction and i would cling on as the co-dependent that i am.
Right now, he is in a 6 month rehab program. I have not seen him in 5 months and as painful as it has been we have kept in touch through it all. I have gotten my own therapist and trying very hard to learn new coping skills on my own and to not be meshed with him and his issues.
However, In 2 weeks I have a trip planned to go visit him where his rehab is, I have not seen him in 5 months...as I am reading all the posts here I am becoming more and more aware of what a drug addict can potentially do to my life. The only catch is that he is in rehab for so long and doing so well, he wants to marry me est...but i am scared..so very scared...I want to proceed with caution but i am afraid I do not know how....
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Hi, welcome!
I can understand your feelings, I would be scared too.
As for your visiting him if you handle it at an arms length away and not let it interfere with your recovery then it should be ok.
The marriage issue, there is no way I would even consider a committment of any kind at this time. My exabf was in a rehab program for 3 months, promised me the moon and the stars and 1 month after he was out, back to drugs he went. Then he went to prison, 16 months later he came out, had promised me the moon and the stars and less than 1 month later, he was back to drugs....now I did not believe his line while in prison so I did not take him back, the sheriff called me when he was arrested as he gave my address and phone number as who to contact. Back to prison he went.
My point, sit tight, don't believe a word he says, let his actions speak for themselves. If he is clean and stays clean for a year or longer after he gets out you can consider a future with him...the important word is "consider".
Take one day at a time, there is no hurry.
I can understand your feelings, I would be scared too.
As for your visiting him if you handle it at an arms length away and not let it interfere with your recovery then it should be ok.
The marriage issue, there is no way I would even consider a committment of any kind at this time. My exabf was in a rehab program for 3 months, promised me the moon and the stars and 1 month after he was out, back to drugs he went. Then he went to prison, 16 months later he came out, had promised me the moon and the stars and less than 1 month later, he was back to drugs....now I did not believe his line while in prison so I did not take him back, the sheriff called me when he was arrested as he gave my address and phone number as who to contact. Back to prison he went.
My point, sit tight, don't believe a word he says, let his actions speak for themselves. If he is clean and stays clean for a year or longer after he gets out you can consider a future with him...the important word is "consider".
Take one day at a time, there is no hurry.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome to SR.
Do you want to go see him? If not, it's okay to pass. If you do, perhaps have an escape plan if things don't go well. Or maybe you'll have a really good time.
Anything is possible and rehab is a good start if his intentions are to stay clean. They say the real work begins when they leave rehab and have to cope in the real world. Many do just fine, some do not.
Right now it's probably a good thing that you are working on your own recovery and letting him work on his. Two healthy people have a much better chance of building new lives.
You didn't ask but I can't help but suggest that you may want to put the wedding plans on hold for now. That will take the pressure off and you can test the waters before you jump in.
I am glad you joined us, and hope we can be supportive of whatever you choose to do.
Hugs
Do you want to go see him? If not, it's okay to pass. If you do, perhaps have an escape plan if things don't go well. Or maybe you'll have a really good time.
Anything is possible and rehab is a good start if his intentions are to stay clean. They say the real work begins when they leave rehab and have to cope in the real world. Many do just fine, some do not.
Right now it's probably a good thing that you are working on your own recovery and letting him work on his. Two healthy people have a much better chance of building new lives.
You didn't ask but I can't help but suggest that you may want to put the wedding plans on hold for now. That will take the pressure off and you can test the waters before you jump in.
I am glad you joined us, and hope we can be supportive of whatever you choose to do.
Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Posts: 15
Thank You, I am willingly going to see him and we are both very excited. I do not want to be in lala land about it and believe what he says like I feel I want to. It is hard to just "wait and see" what happens. Its hard for me not to have control over the situation. Thank You for your advice.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in my own world~
Posts: 1,237
Hi recoveryjunkie~~It's impossible for you to have CONTROL over this situation. It' up to your bf to have sontrol over himself and what he does with the recovery sills he has learned in rehab. Take it slow and see what he does. Its not his words you listen to~~its the actions he takes to win back your respect and trust. Have a nice visit. Glad you found this place. There are some interesting, smart people here...Smiles, Bonnie
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: MD
Posts: 12
Originally Posted by dollydo 
Hi, welcome!
The marriage issue, there is no way I would even consider a committment of any kind at this time.
The marriage issue, there is no way I would even consider a committment of any kind at this time.
Not saying that this will happen to you, and God I hope it doesn't... but my AH was clean for almost 5 months and in rehab when he overdosed. You never know with an addict when they will relapse. It can happen in days, months, years. Most addicts DO relapse even after intensive treatment. It's a lifelong fight for the addict as well as the addicts family.
Go see him at his rehab place if you feel like it won't affect his ability to keep up with the program.
Good luck to you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in my own world~
Posts: 1,237
Hi recoveryjunkie~~It's impossible for you to have CONTROL over this situation. It' up to your bf to have control over himself and what he does with the recovery skills he has learned in rehab. Take it slow and see what he does. Its not his words you listen to~~its the actions he takes to win back your respect and trust. Have a nice visit. Glad you found this place. There are some interesting, smart people here...Smiles, Bonnie
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Posts: 15
wow, reading all of your responses definitely scares me. I do love him so much, but i am not stupid enough to ruin my whole life because of another persons actions..that is where my struggle lies...it is so easy to think good and happy, when in reality i never know. That is one of my biggest fears...relapse..it worries me every day.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
One of my favorite posters put this into perspective when she said she knows she will always be one lousy decision away from being in active addiction, again.
I really do believe it's this simple.
Accepting that he owns his own recovery and that there is absolutely nothing you can do that will prevent or cause him to use again is easier said than done.
I really do believe it's this simple.
Accepting that he owns his own recovery and that there is absolutely nothing you can do that will prevent or cause him to use again is easier said than done.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by RecoveryJunkie
My mother died from overdose of all different painkillers. So it would make sense that i would fall deeply in love with a heroin addict.
Most folk would probably avoid anyone with a drug problem under their belt, under similar circumstances. A co-dependent might however, see it as an opportunity to rescue and sustain a beleif system that they can save this one.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Posts: 15
THANK YOU for all you responses. In terms of the tornado metaphor it would help if i wasn't in love with tornado alley. I am trying to get myself to al-anon meetings and to educate myself to the best of my abilities. It is not so simple for me to leave at this moment. I am hoping that it will all be clear in due time.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Originally Posted by RecoveryJunkie
THANK YOU for all you responses. In terms of the tornado metaphor it would help if i wasn't in love with tornado alley. I am trying to get myself to al-anon meetings and to educate myself to the best of my abilities. It is not so simple for me to leave at this moment. I am hoping that it will all be clear in due time.
i love the scary power they have.
thing is, i wouldnt go sit in the middle of a field in kansas waiting for that F4 to give me love.
beth
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 12
I completely understand you're problem with not having control. That is my biggest problem. I've come to realize that its HIS problem not MINE. He has to control it.
I too felt the same way about believing what he tells me. I look at his actions, not his words. So far, it seems to be working. I would tell you not to commit to anything right now - see how he is once he is released from rehab. One thing I would suggest is counseling or meetings. Get a better perspective of what is involved with addiction.
I too felt the same way about believing what he tells me. I look at his actions, not his words. So far, it seems to be working. I would tell you not to commit to anything right now - see how he is once he is released from rehab. One thing I would suggest is counseling or meetings. Get a better perspective of what is involved with addiction.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Posts: 15
If he relapses, I am gone. And he knows this too. We do not live together or share expenses, we are just deeply in love. The problem is I am very naive to his actions and he is a great great functioning addict...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
Well, almost all of the recovery places advise no major changes for the first year. That would certainly include marriage. Loving someone is a feeling, not a fact. You still have the choice of actions. You can love him from a distance until he has a year clean. You can see him a couple of evenings a week, keep things slow, and let him do what he needs to do right now, living in a sober house of some type, while you live with your parents or similar and let him establish himself as a recovering person and show with his actions that he is working a solid program and has some hope of staying clean long-term. That's what I suggest for at least a year or two after he leaves the rehab.
If you decide to go against all the experience in this forum, and probably your friends and family's advise, and probably against your own good instincts, and jump headfirst into living with or marrying this newly recovering addict, you'll be putting his sobriety in jeopardy because relationships cause pressure and stress that we don't need in early months of recovery. And you'll likely get a lot of heartache and maybe even financial ruin and danger with your front-row seat to addiction/early recovery/relapse (whichever way it goes.) Only about ten percent of people out of rehabs do stay clean long-term.
Whatever you decide, I advise you strongly to keep your eyes open, your head clear, but not to turn into the "recovery police." It isn't your place or your job to monitor his behavior, meeting attendance, 12-step work, sponsor choice, or any of that. That's his job. Attend an alanon or naranon meeting and work on your own program of recovery from codie tendencies. This will keep you so busy you won't have time to natter him.
And keep coming here, too!
Love,
KJ
If you decide to go against all the experience in this forum, and probably your friends and family's advise, and probably against your own good instincts, and jump headfirst into living with or marrying this newly recovering addict, you'll be putting his sobriety in jeopardy because relationships cause pressure and stress that we don't need in early months of recovery. And you'll likely get a lot of heartache and maybe even financial ruin and danger with your front-row seat to addiction/early recovery/relapse (whichever way it goes.) Only about ten percent of people out of rehabs do stay clean long-term.
Whatever you decide, I advise you strongly to keep your eyes open, your head clear, but not to turn into the "recovery police." It isn't your place or your job to monitor his behavior, meeting attendance, 12-step work, sponsor choice, or any of that. That's his job. Attend an alanon or naranon meeting and work on your own program of recovery from codie tendencies. This will keep you so busy you won't have time to natter him.
And keep coming here, too!
Love,
KJ
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Posts: 15
Another aspect of the situation, is that he is in a California treatment center and I live In NY. He was thinking of staying out there after in a sober house, but he says he will come back to NY for me. I know California is the best option for him, but i dont know if I can do a long term reltionship...especially how hard it has been thus far...(i have not seen him in 5 months..)
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
If a relationship is mean't to be, then it will be. The bottom line is, if, it is better for his recovery to stay in Ca, then that is where he needs to be.
He has expressed that he wants to stay there, and, there is a reason for that.
After rehab dealing with a relationship on a day to day basis just adds more stress, and stress can cause urges, and urges can lead him right back to drugs.
Think this through, do what is best for him, for his recovery, he just starting his long journey, and, out in the real world, this will be real tough, the enviorment is not controlled and it will take all the self-control he can muster up to make it happen.
He has expressed that he wants to stay there, and, there is a reason for that.
After rehab dealing with a relationship on a day to day basis just adds more stress, and stress can cause urges, and urges can lead him right back to drugs.
Think this through, do what is best for him, for his recovery, he just starting his long journey, and, out in the real world, this will be real tough, the enviorment is not controlled and it will take all the self-control he can muster up to make it happen.
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