heartbroken25

Name is Jen. I am 25 years old and I was with the love of my life for 6 years.

* We met when I was 14 and started dating with I was 19 and he was 22. He joined the Navy at 20. On his last tour he was hurt and sent back to the base he deployed from (which was 850 miles away from where I was living,

*military rules you can’t live with your SO unless you’re married and I can’t afford to live on my own).That’s when the trouble started. He had to have surgery from his injuries and he was in a lot of pain and put on Vicodin. I cannot go into details but the way he sustained his injuries was very harrowing and is messed him up emotionally and psychologically.

He started abusing the prescription taking more than the recommended dose and continuing to take them long after he was no longer in physical pain. This led to his dishonorable discharge from the Navy five months ago when they discovered what was going on, they gave him the chance to get his life back on track but he didn’t.

* I thought things were bad, before 5 months ago but since he was discharged it’s gotten so much worse.

When he started using and drinking he completely changed as a person. He went from calling every day and being a really loving, wonderful man to a horrible, heartless person who cared about nothing besides getting high. I kept telling myself it would get better. He told me he just needed space that he was messed up but he loved me, he told me I was the only thing in his life worth getting clean for and eh could never do it without me. And yet he’d ignore me for days, wouldn’t accept my pleas to let me help him and made me feel like I meant nothing to him. He told me he quit, he told me he loved me but they were all lies.

He didn’t call on Christmas, he didn’t call on our anniversary, he didn’t call on my birthday and I haven’t seen him in 5 months. The last time I saw him I really thought I was going to get back the man I loved. He told me he was going to start going to meetings and get clean and he didn’t want to lose me because he loved me.

We both cried and I was so happy because for the past 7 months before that people had been telling me that I was a fool for staying with him but I knew deep down that it was the drugs and that he still loved me and that if I could just wait it out then I’d get him back.

But he lied to me. He lied to me and manipulated me and toyed with my emotions for the past year. A week after I saw him his disappeared. He cut off his cell service. And didn’t contact me in any way, he ignored any contact I tried to make with him. (I tried his parents, his friends, his brother even his old unit and CO) Finally after weeks of ignoring me I got a text asking me to leave him alone and just let him deal with things in his own way… he lied and said he’d been in rehab but he just needed a few more weeks to sort things out but he was sorry I had to deal with this but that he didn’t want to talk to me at that time and I just needed to wait because he needed to be selfish and deal with his problem… The truth was he’d been wasting away his life in his friends basement getting high every day.

I found this out and yet STILL I had hope that he’d get better and we’d get back togtehr and that he still loved me. For the past year he’s been claiming to love me but he stopped even saying the words 4 months ago and I’m pretty sure he stopped meaning them a year ago. The drugs took over. That’s all he cares about. He’d shoot me if it meant he’d get drugs. I know that and if I could put into words how badly that hurts I would but I can’t. I got a text this morning that said “It’s over, I want nothing to do with you, don’t call me ever again”

I should be happy right? That I don’t have an addict in my life anymore but I’m not. I’m not because I wanted there to be something I could have done to help him, something I could have done to save him, to save us. My heart is broken but my soul is broken too he wore me down to nothing made me think he was going to get better, that he still loved me but he didn’t. He isn’t the person I knew and loved for five years but for the past year I have been praying and hoping he would go back to that and he played me.

I just don’t know what to do. How do you accept that you mean nothing to the person you love more than anything in the world? He honestly is so messed up on drugs that he doesn’t care if I live or if I die, he doesn’t care how badly he’d hurt or messed me up… I don’t know where to go from here, don’t know who or what to turn to or how to move ahead in my life. As much crap as this guy put me through I still love him with all my heart and the only thing I want is for him to love me back. I just can’t accept that he is not longer and never will be the guy I love again… I would have stayed through anything, put up with anything just to be with him and I don’t know what to do now. I feel so broken and lost, he was a mess and he hurt me so many times but I defined my life by him and now I'm lost and alone and I have no idea where to go from here.

dollydo

Welcome to our world, one of heartbreak and sadness.

Your bf has left you, you need to let him go and move forward with your life. He is gone.
Accept reality, he is an addict.

I am not trying to be harsh, I know you are in pain. However, you are young, there are so many fish in the sea, grab your pole, cast the line and catch Mr. Right.

Many others will be here to offer support, keep posting, it will help!

My Best,
Dolly

Impurrfect

(((Heartbroken))) Welcome to SR!!

I'm sorry you're hurting.

I'm a recovering addict, and a recovering codie (codependent)...spent the better part of 30 years in love with addicts/alcoholics (one of them, my first love I spent over 20 years with).

We A's (addicts), when we're using, have ONE love...the drugs (or alcohol). We can think of nothing else. I know it's hard, but please try to not take it personal. It's as if our minds are short-circuited. We LIVE for the high. When he says to let him go, he's being honest. He doesn't want to deal with anything but getting high. Please let him go.

As a codie, I've been where you are. I thought I would die without my first XABF (ex alcoholic boyfriend)..the one I was with for 20+ years. I thought I could love him enough, help him, be "the one" that could help him and I couldn't. What it did was drag me down, make me into a person I didn't even recognize, and actually because I have "addict tendencies", I became an addict.

Because I didn't address my codependent ways, I turned to two other addicts. That's when I found recovery of both my addiction AND my codependency.

I highly recommend you read the book "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beatty. It opened my eyes, years and years ago, even though I wasn't ready to do anything to change, quite yet.

You WILL be okay. The man I thought I would "die" without? I rarely think of, these days. You're young, and you've spent years with him. However, you have DECADES ahead of you, and you really, really don't want to spend them the way I did...with a man/men who put a substance ahead of you, when there's NO WAY you will ever be first in their lives.

You may also want to read posts of women, here, who HAVE "stood by their man" and see what they've been through. It's pretty heart-wrenching. Keep reading and posting...most of us have been-there-done-that and are here to support you.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

NoelleO

I was married to an addict. And I was in denial about it forever. There is this thing about addicts... they lie, cheat, steal, abuse, manipulate.

This is not your fault. We always do this to ourselves. We blame ourselves. But it's not our fault at all. Still, they will be quick to blame us because they can't take the blame themselves. It's a messed up situation.

He doesn't want you around and doesn't want your help so it's time for you to move on. You can't help someone who doesn't want it. You need to worry about yourself, make yourself better. Because I can tell he has hurt you a tremendous amount. Breaking up is like death. I've been through both with my addict. We separated and I dealt with that and then he died in January, from an overdose and I'm dealing with it now. What I'm saying is take time to mourn your broken relationship and try to move on.

Good luck to you.

heartbroken25

Thank you for your heart felt and honest replies.
I was lost when I found him. I didn’t know where my life was headed or where I wanted to go. He gave me life meaning and purpose. When he was happy I was happy. When he was hurt I was hurt. I spent 95 percent of the last year crying because of him. No matter what else was going on in my life, he had complete control over my mood and emotions. When he was off getting high for days and I didn’t hear from him I was upset. As soon as I did I was happy. It was ridiculous. He had complete control over my mood.
It’s not normal at all. I miss him so much. I feel like it’s impossible for me to be happy without him. For 6 years he’s been the only thing that made me truly happy. I know I should work on myself and try to move past this but I don’t feel strong enough… people keep saying I’ll get over him but it just feels so different. I am friends with a lot of guys and while I am not a confident person and don’t see it, I am told I am attractive and that I have a good personality. Other men have been attracted to me but he was always the only one I had eyes for.. I just feel like now I’m going to be alone forever. I know life with him would be miserable. I’d be hurt and I’d be with a man who didn’t love or want to be with me… so why do I still wish I could be with him, when there are only very rare, very limited moments of happiness and most of the time I’m filled with despair?

outtolunch

Defining yourself by how someone else treats you is not healthy. Find yourself. Volunteer somewhere. Take action. Give back to the community.

Figure out where you want your life and the things you control to go. Have you considered therapy to help you sort this all out?

ladyhawk69

It is a very hard thing to process....letting go. My addict has been out of my house for almost 6 months now and I still have issues with letting go. I too thought I had found the love of my life. When you love somebody so much (and think they love you) it makes it that much harder, but in the long run life will be easier. *No sleeples nights, money missing etc; You will have hard times, you will not sleep, eat etc; but it does get easier and then it will be hard. I know that sounds confusing but try and keep focusing on yourself and take one day at a time. Keep posting and venting as much as you need to. There are alot of very wise people on this site and alot of very good advice.

Chino

You asked why you still want to be with him, but you already answered your own question ("For 6 years he’s been the only thing that made me truly happy").

He's all you've known and it's normal that it all feels different. When the addict changes, we change, too. Everything does. Just like the addict, where we go from there, what direction we take in life, belongs 100% to us.

Where do you want to go from here?

Ann

Welcome to SR, Heartbroken.

Thinking that someone else holds the key to our happiness is an illusion, WE hold that key, and have all along.

I posted this the other day, it's my favourite reading from Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie. It says best how it is when we "think" we can save another. What we really need to do is save ourselves, by letting go or being dragged.

Hope it helps some.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...favourite.html

sunnygirl68

Heartbroken: I used to think I couldnt live without my XAH but I soon learned that the benefits of being apart heavily outweighed the pain of trying to stay together. I'm so sorry you are hurting so badly, but the one thing I want you to hear me say is that Nothing YOU could have done would have changed his behavior, choices, outcome. His recovery belongs to him as your recovery belongs to you.
Most people who have gone through the heartbreak of an addicted partner and came out the other side, realize and say that they would never go through that hell again.
Hang in there and may you find peace.

P.S. it wouldnt hurt for you to go to a Nar-Anon or Al-Anon meeting so that you can truly realize that you are not alone in this.

rayofsunshine

Heartbroken ,welcome to SR! Sorry you are hurting. Be sure to read the sticky posts at the top of the forum... start with "What Addicts Do". Keep reading and posting. Go to al-anon or nar-anon meetings if you can. You will get stronger, and we can be happy again no matter what the addicts in our life are doing.

I was married 19 years to my highschool sweetheart... spent way too many years thinking I could love him clean. Supported him through jail, 3 rehabs, then prison. I finally had enough of the chaos of living with active addiction. An addict will only get clean if they really really want it. He never wanted it... still doesn't... after I asked him to leave, he just moved on to another woman whom they both live with her mother... neither work, drive her car & both do all the drugs they want. I do still pray he finds recovery one day, but I had to let him and his choices go for my own sanity.

I am so much happier today without the daily roller coaster rides addiction brings. You will be happier in time, too. It will happen, though its not overnight. Go out with friends, paint your toenails, go for walks.. take care of yourself as you are healing emotionally! Keep reading and posting!

hello-kitty

This is not about you heartbroken. This is about him being a drug addict. There is a great sticky around here - what addicts do. It's very sad but there is a lot of truth in it and reading it helped me realize I cannot compete when it comes to drug addiction.

(((hugs))) I know you are hurting but you will be ok. The longer you have no contact with him the better.

Christen

I'm sorry you're hurting so bad. I'm married to an addict, and I have felt that pain a few times. Since I know the kind of pain you're feeling, I also know there isn't much I can say to change that. But my heart goes out to you.

I have a couple of tid bits for you...

Honey, I'm sure he does love you. He's just an addict. Addicts are so selfish that a lot of times they just aren't capable of love. He loves you, but he's just really deep in his addiction right now.

On the bright side, since you aren't married to him, and you don't live with him-- YOU DON'T HAVE TO HAVE A FRONT ROW SEAT TO WATCH HIM RUIN HIS LIFE. That has been one of the hardest things for me to watch my husband slowly kill himself. (He is clean & doing well right now. But that can change any day.) I know it seems like there's nothing good about the situation. But maybe he's protecting you in a way. Addicts feel a lot of shame, & most don't want the people they love to see them falling apart.

Give yourself a couple days of crying, laying on the couch, eating ice cream, or whatever. But darling you have to move on. I KNOW IT HURTS, but being miserable just isn't productive. And you deserve more.

Take care of yourself.

HealingWillCome

One of the things we do, Heartbroken, is become addicted to the "love" our A's give us. We look for the 'I love you's' because they are a like a fix that we need. We crave that fix, that love, and would give anything to hear it from them again, even when we know that the addict is nothing but bad for us.

Real love is giving, caring, respectful, and honors the one who is loved. YOU are special and deserve real love, sweetie. You will, as long as you choose to focus on your own healing, start to love yourself and start to make choices that will focus on you and not him...and eventually, when you are ready, you can find that genuine love if you are healthy first!

The pain right now seems unbearable, crushing...I know. Read all you can read here, and absorb it, and start to find hope from the people who have lived what you are going through. You will learn much here, I promise. And you will find support here! Don't be afraid to come here for help. You're not alone and it will get better, day by day. It's all up to you and how badly you want to find your own healing! It is a process, a long one, but don't give up hope...there are bright, happy, peace-filled days ahead if you choose them for yourself!

coffeedrinker

Are you still here, Heartbroken?

I can identify very much with your story. Those ups and downs, the complete and total focus on the addict and the crying over it. It is gut-wrenching.

When more time has passed, one day you will realize that it feels good to NOT have that anxious feeling, that yearning, the worry, the angst, that comes with loving an addict who is not "available" to you. You really do need time, but you WILL experience this. And you might be amazed.

This is a huge learning experience for you. You have a lot of awareness - about yourself - and that's crucial. Otherwise, you will very likely meet someone else one day, and go on to repeat this dynamic. The need for love is incredibly strong, and when you (subconciously) seek it out with broken men, it never ends well. It simply cannot.

Unfortunately, it will take a long time to get over this break-up. If you can resist the urge to meet another man in the near future, and also resist getting back with this ex-boyfriend when he comes a-knockin, you will heal. If you can do some work on yourself, you will truly get better.

Babs

I have been where you are.....once.....twice....I-can't-count-how-many-times......

I thought I would die without the first one. Spent 5 years in hell....and then I met another. I thought I would die without the second one. Spent 31 years in hell.

They were addicted to drugs, I was addicted to them. I simply could not imagine life without them.

I am now 62 years old. I have no man in my life. I pay my own bills, and ONLY my own bills. I feel safe in my home. I feel content and justified in my boundaries. I spent the better part of 40 years trying to make the addicts in my life do what I wanted them to do. Did it work? Never. Not once.

For the first time in my life I am living for myself and myself alone. It was agony weaning myself off their neediness, but I finally did it and I am happier now than I have been in decades.

What I learned here is that happiness is an inside job. When I took my eyes off him and put them on me, I started to find peace. I will never allow fear to live with me again and call it love.

I was worth more. YOU are worth more.

Babs

coffeedrinker

Beautifully written, Babs

meditation

As a recovering addict. I can imagine what is going on with him. He had the promise of a wonderful life that was destroyed by an injury. He did not mean to be an addict but he became one. The drugs took away all the pain mentally, and emotionally.
He did love you but you remind him now of all the things he has lost and all the things he once had when he he was a different person with a future and without drugs.
It's not you, it's him but he can't ever be the young soldier with a future. He can be a recovering addict with a different future but he has to want to recover and his pain right now is too great for him to want recovery.
He has tried to release you from this mess. Take him up on it and don't lose your self or your future. Just remember the nice times you had. It is not about you, you can't help it and or change it he has to be his desire to change. I hope you can get past this and please don't blame yourself. A big hug for you.

dollydo

Babs,

Well said, I am in the same boat, rowing alone and loving it!

As ever,

Dolly