It's always something...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 76
It's always something...
Hi all. Just need to vent a little. I'm feeling down, & could use some encouragement / suggestions from my SR friends... My AH has been clean for a few months now, and we are doing well. His personality is coming back, and we are starting to act like husband & wife again.
But... I go to pay the bills, & it's like a smack in the face. During my husband's active using he drained our bank account a few times. And I had to resort to credit cards at times to buy groceries, put gas on our cars, and stuff like that. It's seems like no matter what we are scraping for money. I've been doing really good lately. Then this money situation brings up some resentment. It makes me mad that things wouldn't be like this if he hadn't been blowing our money getting high. I also want to keep it a secret from him that money sucks so that I don't stress him out. He's doing so well & working so hard. And I don't want to burst his bubble. But I guess our money issues are another consequence that he has to face. I'm not doing him or myself any favors by "protecting him".
I don't know what the answer is... But I do know there are a lot of people out there that have it a lot worse than we do. I should be grateful that my husband is clean & home & treats me well & trying to stay on the right track. But sometimes it's hard. And I know that the people on this site understand that. So thanks for that.
But... I go to pay the bills, & it's like a smack in the face. During my husband's active using he drained our bank account a few times. And I had to resort to credit cards at times to buy groceries, put gas on our cars, and stuff like that. It's seems like no matter what we are scraping for money. I've been doing really good lately. Then this money situation brings up some resentment. It makes me mad that things wouldn't be like this if he hadn't been blowing our money getting high. I also want to keep it a secret from him that money sucks so that I don't stress him out. He's doing so well & working so hard. And I don't want to burst his bubble. But I guess our money issues are another consequence that he has to face. I'm not doing him or myself any favors by "protecting him".
I don't know what the answer is... But I do know there are a lot of people out there that have it a lot worse than we do. I should be grateful that my husband is clean & home & treats me well & trying to stay on the right track. But sometimes it's hard. And I know that the people on this site understand that. So thanks for that.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
It's hard to not be resentful, but it's not helpful and would just add to both of your struggles.
I'm hoping he doesn't have access to the money now, and if that's the case maybe figure out a plan that is workable and approach your creditors.
Can he work to help with this? Even odd jobs would help.
I hope one day soon this is all behind you.
Hugs
I'm hoping he doesn't have access to the money now, and if that's the case maybe figure out a plan that is workable and approach your creditors.
Can he work to help with this? Even odd jobs would help.
I hope one day soon this is all behind you.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Christen))) - I'm coming from the RA point of view. I don't think you need to protect him from this information..it IS a consequence he needs to know about. Being in recovery means learning to DEAL with the consequences.
I've got over 3 years in recovery and I'm STILL struggling with debt. I no longer beat myself up over it, I've chipped away at bills, and am doing the best I can...recovery has taught me that.
As a recovering CODIE, I've learned to let people know when I'm frustrated, but in a calm way. In your situation, I would point out that I'm very happy with how well he's doing, but that the money situation is frustrating you. Otherwise, I think the resentment is going to build, and if you're anything like me, it's going to come out at some point, and it will be anything BUT calm.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I've got over 3 years in recovery and I'm STILL struggling with debt. I no longer beat myself up over it, I've chipped away at bills, and am doing the best I can...recovery has taught me that.
As a recovering CODIE, I've learned to let people know when I'm frustrated, but in a calm way. In your situation, I would point out that I'm very happy with how well he's doing, but that the money situation is frustrating you. Otherwise, I think the resentment is going to build, and if you're anything like me, it's going to come out at some point, and it will be anything BUT calm.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
He is not a child, he is an adult, at least of age to accept responsibility and face the consequences of his addiction.
I don't see any reason for him not to join the real world, part of recovery is to admit past mistakes and make every effort to right the wrongs.
A relationship between two committed people is built on truth and trust, not smoke and mirrors. I would imagine when he was hiding "things" from you, you were not happy.
Just my two cents.
Dolly
I don't see any reason for him not to join the real world, part of recovery is to admit past mistakes and make every effort to right the wrongs.
A relationship between two committed people is built on truth and trust, not smoke and mirrors. I would imagine when he was hiding "things" from you, you were not happy.
Just my two cents.
Dolly
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 15
It is completely normal to have resentment but the key is not to get consumed with it. I have had the same resentment with finances toward my AH for 3 years now. I am having hard time getting past it myself but I had to remind myself to remain calm and make sure not to point any fingers on why we are where we are.
I think the last part of your post should tell you a lot: He is home and clean....and trying to stay on the right track. Of course it is hard and will continue to be hard as you try to dig yourself out financially. But I think it makes it easier to deal with as long as he is clean and you both are working together to do the best you can.
The situation is what is....I think talking about your expenses and involving him on what you guys should do together (or how each of you can help each other get through this) is important. Keeping it secret from him will just make the resentment that much worse on you in the long run.
Like you said no easy answer here. Hopefully it will get easier soon.
I think the last part of your post should tell you a lot: He is home and clean....and trying to stay on the right track. Of course it is hard and will continue to be hard as you try to dig yourself out financially. But I think it makes it easier to deal with as long as he is clean and you both are working together to do the best you can.
The situation is what is....I think talking about your expenses and involving him on what you guys should do together (or how each of you can help each other get through this) is important. Keeping it secret from him will just make the resentment that much worse on you in the long run.
Like you said no easy answer here. Hopefully it will get easier soon.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 76
Thank you so much for the replies. I appreciate it so much.
We discussed the money problems briefly last night, & we are going to sit down this weekend & discuss it more. We both understand it's necessary for me to handle the finances, but it also puts a lot of pressure on me. He went to the backyard afterwards, and cut some roses and put them in a vase for me. I'm starting to see who he is sober. And I love it.
Since he is already working twelve hour shifts, I will be either picking up more shifts or possibly looking for another job. He is also entertaining the idea of trading his truck in for a car to save on gas (he drives an hour to and from work). I guess the point is that his mind is clear enough now that we can work together to come up with solutions. His selfishness is gone. I see a light at the end of the tunnel. And I haven't been able to say that in a long time.
We discussed the money problems briefly last night, & we are going to sit down this weekend & discuss it more. We both understand it's necessary for me to handle the finances, but it also puts a lot of pressure on me. He went to the backyard afterwards, and cut some roses and put them in a vase for me. I'm starting to see who he is sober. And I love it.
Since he is already working twelve hour shifts, I will be either picking up more shifts or possibly looking for another job. He is also entertaining the idea of trading his truck in for a car to save on gas (he drives an hour to and from work). I guess the point is that his mind is clear enough now that we can work together to come up with solutions. His selfishness is gone. I see a light at the end of the tunnel. And I haven't been able to say that in a long time.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 457
he should be aware of the financial ruin he caused,however I would make sure your in total control of it all now and he needs to contribute to the mess. my ah caused us bankruptcy 13 years ago from addiction/mental illness. I was able to get us on our feet (he worked and gave me all his pay) and I worked too. but I surely learned a lesson...fool me once shame on me..fool me twice shame on you 
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