Tears and fears of a 5 year old
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Tears and fears of a 5 year old
Last night as I was putting younger DS to bed (they spent the weekend with their Dad) he burst into sobbing tears and through sobs asked me if I still loved Daddy. I thought I had prepared for this--and I did the best I could to tell him that part of me still loved Daddy but that Mama and Daddy did not agree on some really really important things so we can not live together anymore. It was hearbreaking. He just jumped up in my lap and grabbed me around the neck and sobbed and sobbed that he wanted his whole family back. He wanted a Mama and a Daddy and his brother and him to all live in one house. I just held him until he stopped crying.
My sons are adopted and I know the divorce has been hard on them--but I wondered if he was afraid I might leave him too since I left Daddy. He has been left by too many people. So I asked him if he was afraid Mama was going to leave and he burst into tears again and told me yes and he missed me so much over the weekend and wants our family to be together because he does not want to miss me anymore. He was afraid I would not be at home when his Dad dropped them off. I just held him and told him I was never going to leave him and that he was my little boy and would always be.
My heart ached for him. I know divorce is horrible for children and last night I had such resentment toward stbxah. Mama was the one to leave so it seems like Mama is the one who caused the problem. I had such anger well up inside of me after the kids went to bed--and then that anger turned into sadness--and I went through that whole cycle of WHY? which I know is pointless.
They are kids--and I don't want to go into the whole thing with them. My 9 year old heard what we were talking about and told me sometimes he feels sad too but that he know I just want us to be safe. But he would not go to bed last night. It was like both of them thought if they went to bed they would wake up and I would be gone. I woke up younger DS this morning with a big smile and said--Hey, look, I'm still here! Not goin' anywhere. Just remember that.
How have others helped their younger children? How do you explain that their Dad is an alcoholic/drug addict. Both know stbxah has anger issues since they have seen it and been victim to his verbal abuse. All I could say is some times Mamas and Daddys don't agree on some really important things--things that are so important that they cannot live together anymore. I think that just confused my 5 year old.
My sons are adopted and I know the divorce has been hard on them--but I wondered if he was afraid I might leave him too since I left Daddy. He has been left by too many people. So I asked him if he was afraid Mama was going to leave and he burst into tears again and told me yes and he missed me so much over the weekend and wants our family to be together because he does not want to miss me anymore. He was afraid I would not be at home when his Dad dropped them off. I just held him and told him I was never going to leave him and that he was my little boy and would always be.
My heart ached for him. I know divorce is horrible for children and last night I had such resentment toward stbxah. Mama was the one to leave so it seems like Mama is the one who caused the problem. I had such anger well up inside of me after the kids went to bed--and then that anger turned into sadness--and I went through that whole cycle of WHY? which I know is pointless.
They are kids--and I don't want to go into the whole thing with them. My 9 year old heard what we were talking about and told me sometimes he feels sad too but that he know I just want us to be safe. But he would not go to bed last night. It was like both of them thought if they went to bed they would wake up and I would be gone. I woke up younger DS this morning with a big smile and said--Hey, look, I'm still here! Not goin' anywhere. Just remember that.
How have others helped their younger children? How do you explain that their Dad is an alcoholic/drug addict. Both know stbxah has anger issues since they have seen it and been victim to his verbal abuse. All I could say is some times Mamas and Daddys don't agree on some really important things--things that are so important that they cannot live together anymore. I think that just confused my 5 year old.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
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Perhaps he might be too young to be spending overnights without his mom yet?? I don't know because I am not an expert but I watched my niece at 3 years old stay with her dad (my brother) and was absolutely convinced that it was damaging to her. She is 15 now and I am STILL convinced she was affected by being taken from her mother like that. Even though there was nothing bad about the experience from the adult perspective, she was clearly traumatized by being separated from her mom.
Also, I know what I was like when I was 5 and I know for sure I would not have been able to stay away from her overnight. Every child is different. Not sure any of this helps but there you are.
Also, I know what I was like when I was 5 and I know for sure I would not have been able to stay away from her overnight. Every child is different. Not sure any of this helps but there you are.
A Pirate looks at 40
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Southeast of Disorder (FL)
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Wow my heart goes out to you, and those 2 kids. I have a 2 year old, so I know this is a road I will probably have to travel with him also. I am interested to see how others reply to your post as well.
/hugs
/hugs
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His Dad would never consent to him not taking our 5 year old overnight. I would have to have a psychiatrist order it and that would never happen.
I did tell younger DS that he can call me anytime he wants when he is at his Dad's house. At first stbxah was very resentful when the kids did this. I told him to just cool his jets and that the kids were more important than his injured feelings--and that I do the same for him. If he calls and wants to say goodnight or just chat with them at night I let him. If they want to call him to tell him something that happened during the day or want to call to say goodnight I let them.
I did tell younger DS that he can call me anytime he wants when he is at his Dad's house. At first stbxah was very resentful when the kids did this. I told him to just cool his jets and that the kids were more important than his injured feelings--and that I do the same for him. If he calls and wants to say goodnight or just chat with them at night I let him. If they want to call him to tell him something that happened during the day or want to call to say goodnight I let them.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
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IMHO kids can understand so much more than we give them credit for. It's hard for them to process the emotions, and I think that's where we teach them by example.
I have two kids, 11 yo D and 6 yo S. We've been trough a lot lately, my AH moved out 3 weeks ago and 10 days ago he ended up in the hospital with liver cirrhosis. Our kids are doing ok, and I think the main reason for it is I was really honest with them about it all, unlike before when I always used to avoid telling them the truth as to protect them from it. But the truth is their reality, and if I don't give it to them I'm refusing to validate their reality for them. (That's something I've leartned from my SR angel CLMI). As no matter how much we want to protect them, and give them a better life, there is only as much as we can do. We can't change the fact thier dad is A and that it is going to affect them, but we can help with how it is affecting them. IMO kids are very intuitive, and they know something is wrong, and if we don't validate it for them, they have trouble understanding it and they are not able to process thier feelings as they don't know how to feel, as they are not sure what is really going on.
So I told my kids everything. I told them thier dad is A. It's a desease that makes him act the way he does and makes him not be a good daddy and the rest. It wasn't about blaming him, it was just the facts. I told them it makes me sad, and that we are allowed to be sad, or angry or feel any other way. When AH went to the hospital I even had to explain about liver desease too. I had to tell them he might not survive, but we should hope he does.
It is hard, but I can't protect them from it, there is no single thing I wouldn't do to change it for them, but that too is out of my control.
So I'm concentrating on the things I can do. I follow thier rhythm, I answer the questions they have, if I don't know something I simply say I don't know, I encourage them to feel, and I'm showing them by example it is normal to feel. It's not like I'm falling apart in front of them, but if I see they are sad, I tell them I'm sad... and i guess you get the picture.
By being there for your kids, they will learn soon enough you will not leave them.
My son is not much older than your younger and I was so surprised how well he took it when I told him about dad being an A. Now when I think of it, I shouldn't have been surprised, he already knew it, he just dind't know what is it called.
Few days after the AH left I asked our son is he hurting bacuse daddy is not living with us any more. He thought about it a bit and than he said: "My heart is hurting but my brain is not."
So I would suggest you try being honest and validating their reality, I can't even begin to tell you what a gift that was for both my kids and me.
Hope this helps
I have two kids, 11 yo D and 6 yo S. We've been trough a lot lately, my AH moved out 3 weeks ago and 10 days ago he ended up in the hospital with liver cirrhosis. Our kids are doing ok, and I think the main reason for it is I was really honest with them about it all, unlike before when I always used to avoid telling them the truth as to protect them from it. But the truth is their reality, and if I don't give it to them I'm refusing to validate their reality for them. (That's something I've leartned from my SR angel CLMI). As no matter how much we want to protect them, and give them a better life, there is only as much as we can do. We can't change the fact thier dad is A and that it is going to affect them, but we can help with how it is affecting them. IMO kids are very intuitive, and they know something is wrong, and if we don't validate it for them, they have trouble understanding it and they are not able to process thier feelings as they don't know how to feel, as they are not sure what is really going on.
So I told my kids everything. I told them thier dad is A. It's a desease that makes him act the way he does and makes him not be a good daddy and the rest. It wasn't about blaming him, it was just the facts. I told them it makes me sad, and that we are allowed to be sad, or angry or feel any other way. When AH went to the hospital I even had to explain about liver desease too. I had to tell them he might not survive, but we should hope he does.
It is hard, but I can't protect them from it, there is no single thing I wouldn't do to change it for them, but that too is out of my control.
So I'm concentrating on the things I can do. I follow thier rhythm, I answer the questions they have, if I don't know something I simply say I don't know, I encourage them to feel, and I'm showing them by example it is normal to feel. It's not like I'm falling apart in front of them, but if I see they are sad, I tell them I'm sad... and i guess you get the picture.
By being there for your kids, they will learn soon enough you will not leave them.
My son is not much older than your younger and I was so surprised how well he took it when I told him about dad being an A. Now when I think of it, I shouldn't have been surprised, he already knew it, he just dind't know what is it called.
Few days after the AH left I asked our son is he hurting bacuse daddy is not living with us any more. He thought about it a bit and than he said: "My heart is hurting but my brain is not."
So I would suggest you try being honest and validating their reality, I can't even begin to tell you what a gift that was for both my kids and me.
Hope this helps
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Somewhere cold and flat
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yes, it is heartbreaking when dealing with these issues with kids. Our kids are really hurting right now and struggling through some things and it is hard to know how to handle things sometimes. I never badmouth their dad and always just try to answer questions in an age appropriate way and that nothing is their fault. I tell them that we both love them very much and that we are just having to work out some things between us. They know way more then I think they know. Very difficult.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I am reading "Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way". I like it so far but I just started it.
I have two 4yo's, 9yo, 11yo. We have had some issues.
The 11yo is quiet. He understands enough to not be mad at me but he has undealt with anger. It comes out by relentlessy teasing his 9yo brother sometimes. It is getting a bit better. He wants it to go back.
The 9yo has less internal awareness. He was challenging before but off the map angry. At me mostly, but at everything. He teases everyone, he cries and get so frustrated. He thinks I made the wrong decision. He heard more of the relentless late night rages by my xah
The one 4yo hates his new house, hates his room, hates his bed, hates me sometimes. He just wants it to all go back to the way it was before and doesn't know how to say it.
The other 4yo doesn't really say anything but his feelings get hurt so easily.
I am going to arrange therapy for them again this week.
I have two 4yo's, 9yo, 11yo. We have had some issues.
The 11yo is quiet. He understands enough to not be mad at me but he has undealt with anger. It comes out by relentlessy teasing his 9yo brother sometimes. It is getting a bit better. He wants it to go back.
The 9yo has less internal awareness. He was challenging before but off the map angry. At me mostly, but at everything. He teases everyone, he cries and get so frustrated. He thinks I made the wrong decision. He heard more of the relentless late night rages by my xah
The one 4yo hates his new house, hates his room, hates his bed, hates me sometimes. He just wants it to all go back to the way it was before and doesn't know how to say it.
The other 4yo doesn't really say anything but his feelings get hurt so easily.
I am going to arrange therapy for them again this week.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Can you afford therapy for the kids? I believe a child therapist would be the best person to answer your questions. I recall my sessions with one as a kid and it really helped, also I was able to feel my mom was more relaxed. In fact there were 3 therapists so my mom, sis and me all had therapy at the same time!
HUGS to you. :ghug3
HUGS to you. :ghug3
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 9
Kids are a big reason I haven't left yet. They would be devastated. The 9y/o boy is a very angry and verbally abusive kid at home. However at school he gets picked on all of the time but is a teachers helper. The 7y/o boy is a softy but teases the girls to the point I just want to scream. The girls (4 and 3) are very clingy to me. Sometimes mean, yell a lot. I think it would do wonders to get them into therapy. The oldest has seen way too much and has been at the forefront through most of it. Breaks my heart. I know leaving would be easier. I feel like a single mother anyway. I just don't want to upset the kids anymore than what they already are. Plus with AH not drinking now they wouldn't understand it.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: East Coast
Posts: 90
My 10 yo is quiet about it. Does not really talk to me, the school therapist or anyone else about it as far as I know. His school work has been suffering a little. He's sad. Because STBAXH and I disagree on custody and have not been to court yet each week since I left him has been different. The kids don't know from day to day who they will be with and sometimes neither do I.
The 5 yo has never really been super verbal and I consider him the one without the voice really. He does not want to talk to either parent on the phone when he's away from them. He basically does not ask for AH when he's with me, does not talk about him at all. He's angry tho, that much I can see.
I can't make it right for them, all I can do is love them everyday that I am with them. I have to believe that leaving him was the right thing. I have to believe that justice will prevail and everything will be okay for me and them.
The 5 yo has never really been super verbal and I consider him the one without the voice really. He does not want to talk to either parent on the phone when he's away from them. He basically does not ask for AH when he's with me, does not talk about him at all. He's angry tho, that much I can see.
I can't make it right for them, all I can do is love them everyday that I am with them. I have to believe that leaving him was the right thing. I have to believe that justice will prevail and everything will be okay for me and them.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: new york
Posts: 227
It's a tough situation and I feel for you. I was never married to my EXAddict and he is not the father, but I still have to deal with questions I'm not sure how to answer. We were only together for a year but my youngest son got really close to him. My 5 yr old still has attachment issues with me and will start sobbing if he can't find me in the house because he thinks I'm going to leave too. Breaks my heart. I guess the only thing that can help would be honest communication with the children, comfort, patience and time. Being your childs' father, it's got to be harder because of the (now) two homes. I myself, contacted a counselor and got some age appropritate books on how to talk. (I have health issues in addition to the separation) Maybe that would help?
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. . .and there are days like yesterday with a sobbing 5 year old and a 9 year old rationally talking to me about what he feels
. . .and then there are nights like tonight when all hell breaks loose because one thing did not go right. I went in to pay for day camp for 9 year old and he got mad because he could not go play basketball (it was past dinnertime and time to go home)--and it just escalated from there.
This was probably the most horrible night I have had so far. I just cried and prayed and cried and prayed for the last hour.
9 year old became extremely verbally abusive and disrespectful. When I asked him to help carry laundry downstairs he threw it at me and told me it was my job, not his and then just started screaming at me.
5 year old was doing "resititution" in the back yard for using bad words, screaming and kicking me yesterday--then went into the front yard and trashed a garden I had been working on (gardening is my respite from the world). I sent him inside to get ready for bed and when I came in 5 minutes later he acted like I did not exist. Just looked at me with a nonchalant look of "go ahead and ask me, I'm not doing it". 9 year old is still upstairs yelling at me. Eventually I got them both into bed but by the time it was over I felt like I had been hit by a truck.
I love both my sons more than anything in the world and I can be there and help them as best as I can--but I do not think it is OK for them to become abusive to me and treat me like a non-entity when I talk to them or ask them to do something. I am seen as the one who "wrecked our family". I know I made the right decision to leave AH. I understand that this is difficult--but there still needs to be some type of structure and order so there is not total anarchy (which is what the house felt like tonight). As much as I hate taking the blame "for wrecking our family" I do not say anything until things calm down. Then I explain in an age appropriate way why we live where we do now.
Both kids are in therapy and have been for 3+ years. 9 year old worked with a trauma therapist for 2 years and has been working with an attachment therapist for 4 years (and is frustrated that he is not better). 5 year old started working with the attachment therapist when he was 2. attachment-wise he is doing pretty good.
I put off leaving AH for 2 years because we did an intensive with the kids for attachment (mostly for then 6 year old) and the person who was working with us told me I would lose my older son if I divorced his dad because he would think if he did something wrong I would leave him just like I left his dad because he did something wrong. I spent the next 2 years trying to make the marriage work--and it was not going to. So I had to decide--risk losing my older son by leaving or stay in a horrible marriage and know both kids would suffer the verbal abuse and grow up to be children of an alcoholic drug addict who refused to even try to get clean. Obviously I chose the former.
Sometimes it does scare me--that what I did may have set the wheels in motion for all the attachment work I have done with my 9 year old spiraling down the drain. Things have slipped for both of them and I knew that would happen--but they have really slipped for my 9 year old--and I am trying to help him find his way back to me--because I have always been the safe one, the reliable parent he can always talk to. Now, even though his dad was abusive to him, his anger toward me is palpable. He is at the bottom of the hill and we are going to have to struggle our way back up the mountain-I just pray he does not give up and that HP will give me what I need every day to help him do it.
I stopped going to my therapist because I have been trying to keep so many balls in the air. A couple weeks ago I fell back on something I had learned at the attachment intensive-if I don't take care of myself I cannnot take care of my kids. So as I was told--I grabbed the oxygen mask that has dropped (because the plane is in danger) so I don't pass out and am not able to put the oxygen masks on my kids. Weird analogy but I realized if I don't see someone to maintain my sanity during all of this I will be useless for my kids. Happy, mad, sad, frustrated, mad, sad, mad, sad, sad turning into mad--it is all there and tonight it was laid completely bare. Also, I need to dump the resentment I feel toward stbxah--it is not doing anyone any good and serves no purpose.
. . .and then there are nights like tonight when all hell breaks loose because one thing did not go right. I went in to pay for day camp for 9 year old and he got mad because he could not go play basketball (it was past dinnertime and time to go home)--and it just escalated from there.
This was probably the most horrible night I have had so far. I just cried and prayed and cried and prayed for the last hour.
9 year old became extremely verbally abusive and disrespectful. When I asked him to help carry laundry downstairs he threw it at me and told me it was my job, not his and then just started screaming at me.
5 year old was doing "resititution" in the back yard for using bad words, screaming and kicking me yesterday--then went into the front yard and trashed a garden I had been working on (gardening is my respite from the world). I sent him inside to get ready for bed and when I came in 5 minutes later he acted like I did not exist. Just looked at me with a nonchalant look of "go ahead and ask me, I'm not doing it". 9 year old is still upstairs yelling at me. Eventually I got them both into bed but by the time it was over I felt like I had been hit by a truck.
I love both my sons more than anything in the world and I can be there and help them as best as I can--but I do not think it is OK for them to become abusive to me and treat me like a non-entity when I talk to them or ask them to do something. I am seen as the one who "wrecked our family". I know I made the right decision to leave AH. I understand that this is difficult--but there still needs to be some type of structure and order so there is not total anarchy (which is what the house felt like tonight). As much as I hate taking the blame "for wrecking our family" I do not say anything until things calm down. Then I explain in an age appropriate way why we live where we do now.
Both kids are in therapy and have been for 3+ years. 9 year old worked with a trauma therapist for 2 years and has been working with an attachment therapist for 4 years (and is frustrated that he is not better). 5 year old started working with the attachment therapist when he was 2. attachment-wise he is doing pretty good.
I put off leaving AH for 2 years because we did an intensive with the kids for attachment (mostly for then 6 year old) and the person who was working with us told me I would lose my older son if I divorced his dad because he would think if he did something wrong I would leave him just like I left his dad because he did something wrong. I spent the next 2 years trying to make the marriage work--and it was not going to. So I had to decide--risk losing my older son by leaving or stay in a horrible marriage and know both kids would suffer the verbal abuse and grow up to be children of an alcoholic drug addict who refused to even try to get clean. Obviously I chose the former.
Sometimes it does scare me--that what I did may have set the wheels in motion for all the attachment work I have done with my 9 year old spiraling down the drain. Things have slipped for both of them and I knew that would happen--but they have really slipped for my 9 year old--and I am trying to help him find his way back to me--because I have always been the safe one, the reliable parent he can always talk to. Now, even though his dad was abusive to him, his anger toward me is palpable. He is at the bottom of the hill and we are going to have to struggle our way back up the mountain-I just pray he does not give up and that HP will give me what I need every day to help him do it.
I stopped going to my therapist because I have been trying to keep so many balls in the air. A couple weeks ago I fell back on something I had learned at the attachment intensive-if I don't take care of myself I cannnot take care of my kids. So as I was told--I grabbed the oxygen mask that has dropped (because the plane is in danger) so I don't pass out and am not able to put the oxygen masks on my kids. Weird analogy but I realized if I don't see someone to maintain my sanity during all of this I will be useless for my kids. Happy, mad, sad, frustrated, mad, sad, mad, sad, sad turning into mad--it is all there and tonight it was laid completely bare. Also, I need to dump the resentment I feel toward stbxah--it is not doing anyone any good and serves no purpose.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
Oh dear, I'm so sorry you're hurting this much.
Last summer I separated from my AH for a month. It was a terrible time for both kids and me. Because I wasn't really sure in my heart what I was doing was right. I was a mess, and kids were the mess because of it too. I was overwhelmed by emotions and they were really scared. They could see I wasn't really firm in my decision, our life was changing, I was fallling apart, they wanted things like they were before and I said same things like you're saying to your kids, which confused them even more because mum and dad don't get along any more doesn't really mean anything, since as far as they know it's been like that for a long time, and that's the only life they know, so I guess they were thinking why would that be a reason for dad to leave now. They were both really angry and confused, and I couldn't deal with it and I wanted an easy fix, so I took AH back.
But this time is so much different for all of us. As this time I'm firm in my decision, I know why I made it in regard to both me and our kids (and AH too). I told the kids the way their dad lives is unacceptable for the family. My D said "why? this is normal". I said "it is not normal, and we can't continue living like this thinking this is normal. I'm sorry I'm a parent and I know what's better, and you'll have to trust me." Sometimes they do, and sometimes they don't, but the stronger I am and the more I stand my ground they're learing to trust me more. Sometimes they get angry with me and have crying or yelling fits, before that kind of thing would make me fall apart, but now it doesn't. It hurts, but I don't show that hurt, I show them I understand their pain, but I remain firm in my decision. I guess they are acting out since they are scared and are looking for the ways to get me make things go back to "normal". If I react to it, they think they're getting somewhere and push that behaviour even more, if I don't they have to find the ways to accept the reality. I'm there all the time for them and I help them with it. You might call it though love or you can call it giving them the gift of the life as it is. The more I insist on this approach with my kids, the closer we're becoming. I guess they're learing to trust me, as I came to realize all these years even thought I was there for them all the time, they couldn't really trust me, as I was lost myself. I can see now I'm more strict with them, and they trust me for that even more too. I guess I'm finally showing them I can really take care of them.
I think it all comes from the work I did on myself. I'm at good place with myself and thus able to give my kids the stability, they're of course scared but my attitude shows them we'll be fine and I'm taking care of them, so they're learning to relax. So if you look at my situation the things are by far worse now with AH in hospital with liver cirrhosis than they were last summer when he only left, but kids are doing so much better this time as one important thing is different now: Me!
I know it's hard and overwhelming to see you kids suffer, but the breakthrough for me came from trully realizing the difference between the things I can control and the ones I can't.
I don't know if I'm explaining this right, I think if someone told me this a year ago, I'd thought: Yeah, right! as I could't see past the fact my kids are hurting, but now I know I can't change that, but I can help them learn from this pain, and the make the best of things under the circumstances that can not be changed.
I hope this is helpfull.
Take care.
Last summer I separated from my AH for a month. It was a terrible time for both kids and me. Because I wasn't really sure in my heart what I was doing was right. I was a mess, and kids were the mess because of it too. I was overwhelmed by emotions and they were really scared. They could see I wasn't really firm in my decision, our life was changing, I was fallling apart, they wanted things like they were before and I said same things like you're saying to your kids, which confused them even more because mum and dad don't get along any more doesn't really mean anything, since as far as they know it's been like that for a long time, and that's the only life they know, so I guess they were thinking why would that be a reason for dad to leave now. They were both really angry and confused, and I couldn't deal with it and I wanted an easy fix, so I took AH back.
But this time is so much different for all of us. As this time I'm firm in my decision, I know why I made it in regard to both me and our kids (and AH too). I told the kids the way their dad lives is unacceptable for the family. My D said "why? this is normal". I said "it is not normal, and we can't continue living like this thinking this is normal. I'm sorry I'm a parent and I know what's better, and you'll have to trust me." Sometimes they do, and sometimes they don't, but the stronger I am and the more I stand my ground they're learing to trust me more. Sometimes they get angry with me and have crying or yelling fits, before that kind of thing would make me fall apart, but now it doesn't. It hurts, but I don't show that hurt, I show them I understand their pain, but I remain firm in my decision. I guess they are acting out since they are scared and are looking for the ways to get me make things go back to "normal". If I react to it, they think they're getting somewhere and push that behaviour even more, if I don't they have to find the ways to accept the reality. I'm there all the time for them and I help them with it. You might call it though love or you can call it giving them the gift of the life as it is. The more I insist on this approach with my kids, the closer we're becoming. I guess they're learing to trust me, as I came to realize all these years even thought I was there for them all the time, they couldn't really trust me, as I was lost myself. I can see now I'm more strict with them, and they trust me for that even more too. I guess I'm finally showing them I can really take care of them.
I think it all comes from the work I did on myself. I'm at good place with myself and thus able to give my kids the stability, they're of course scared but my attitude shows them we'll be fine and I'm taking care of them, so they're learning to relax. So if you look at my situation the things are by far worse now with AH in hospital with liver cirrhosis than they were last summer when he only left, but kids are doing so much better this time as one important thing is different now: Me!
I know it's hard and overwhelming to see you kids suffer, but the breakthrough for me came from trully realizing the difference between the things I can control and the ones I can't.
I don't know if I'm explaining this right, I think if someone told me this a year ago, I'd thought: Yeah, right! as I could't see past the fact my kids are hurting, but now I know I can't change that, but I can help them learn from this pain, and the make the best of things under the circumstances that can not be changed.
I hope this is helpfull.
Take care.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
While the attachment therapist would be familiar with the attachment issues, particularly in adopted children, the therapist may not be very well familiar with the environs of an alcoholic household and its effects. Indeed, most ACOAs (Adult Children of Alcoholics) have attachment and intimacy issues as adults.
The very nature of this - an unstable emotional environment filled with ambivalence and mixed messages - may be more damaging to the child's progress toward successful attachment than removing the child to an environment where the messages are consistent, and not ambivalent.
From the child's point of view, they are attempting to attach in the middle of ambivalence. When a parent is in a state of ambivalence (and I'm not talking ambivalence toward the child, but rather toward the family unit), they are essentially "not there" for the child, as they are distracted by their own issues, and therefore it translates to a form of abandonment to the child. Each time the child senses abandonment, the attachment falters and is further damaged.
Just food for thought.
CLMI
The very nature of this - an unstable emotional environment filled with ambivalence and mixed messages - may be more damaging to the child's progress toward successful attachment than removing the child to an environment where the messages are consistent, and not ambivalent.
From the child's point of view, they are attempting to attach in the middle of ambivalence. When a parent is in a state of ambivalence (and I'm not talking ambivalence toward the child, but rather toward the family unit), they are essentially "not there" for the child, as they are distracted by their own issues, and therefore it translates to a form of abandonment to the child. Each time the child senses abandonment, the attachment falters and is further damaged.
Just food for thought.
CLMI
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Join Date: Jul 2008
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catlover and sesh-I feel no ambivalence about leaving AH. It took me a long time to get there but once I left I was positive I was doing the right thing--and still am.
The attachment therapist-who has been doing this for 30+ years understand all about the life of a family living with addiction. Her oldest son is an alcoholic. She was very instrumental in helping me get over what the other attachment therapist said about if I left older DS would think I would leave him. She helped me understand to stay would be telling older DS and younge DS that it is OK to live in that kind of crazy environment. She said older DS would have problems and regress but that we would work hard to not let it go too far. We have regressed about 2 years. It will be a struggle to get back--but we will. AND I need to know and believe that too. Any ambivance in the belief is also something DS will feel.
I do need to work on myself (and my therapy appointment is Thursday). I will not go through the long drawn out explanation of what I have been doing to help my kids attach (they were adopted from a Russian orphanage although provided with physical needs of food and shelter-that was about it). I have worked long and hard to get them to where they were at. AH never wanted to get on board-basically because it is WAY to much work for someone who is focused solely on themselves. Attachment therapy can sometimes being grueling work because of my kids strong need to maintain control to have their life orderly for them. However what I have discovered is that in focusing solely on my kids I have completely forgotten about my own needs--and again, I need to stay strong to keep them strong. My biggest problem right now is I do not have respite and I need it.
catlover I understand what you are saying about abandonment--older DS has always been fearful I will leave to the point of standing by the door and waiting for me to come through it. He has been home for 8 years. The process of building trust is very slow for him.
Last night was a bad night-a really bad night. I have a little rest under my belt today and will get more tonight. Attachment is different for all kids--and when you start the work make a big difference. Older DS--it did not happen for 3 years because I did not know what was going on. I cannot beat myself up about that. I can continue to help him heal and build his self esteem.-even through end of the way it used to be.
The attachment therapist-who has been doing this for 30+ years understand all about the life of a family living with addiction. Her oldest son is an alcoholic. She was very instrumental in helping me get over what the other attachment therapist said about if I left older DS would think I would leave him. She helped me understand to stay would be telling older DS and younge DS that it is OK to live in that kind of crazy environment. She said older DS would have problems and regress but that we would work hard to not let it go too far. We have regressed about 2 years. It will be a struggle to get back--but we will. AND I need to know and believe that too. Any ambivance in the belief is also something DS will feel.
I do need to work on myself (and my therapy appointment is Thursday). I will not go through the long drawn out explanation of what I have been doing to help my kids attach (they were adopted from a Russian orphanage although provided with physical needs of food and shelter-that was about it). I have worked long and hard to get them to where they were at. AH never wanted to get on board-basically because it is WAY to much work for someone who is focused solely on themselves. Attachment therapy can sometimes being grueling work because of my kids strong need to maintain control to have their life orderly for them. However what I have discovered is that in focusing solely on my kids I have completely forgotten about my own needs--and again, I need to stay strong to keep them strong. My biggest problem right now is I do not have respite and I need it.
catlover I understand what you are saying about abandonment--older DS has always been fearful I will leave to the point of standing by the door and waiting for me to come through it. He has been home for 8 years. The process of building trust is very slow for him.
Last night was a bad night-a really bad night. I have a little rest under my belt today and will get more tonight. Attachment is different for all kids--and when you start the work make a big difference. Older DS--it did not happen for 3 years because I did not know what was going on. I cannot beat myself up about that. I can continue to help him heal and build his self esteem.-even through end of the way it used to be.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
I didn't realize you had a second attachment therapist, and was referring to the ambivalence of attempting to STAY with AH and make things work, while working on the attachment.
Attachment is so complex, as humans are, and your sons are lucky to have such a mom as you. I hope your sons stabilize and make great progress in their new environment, after adjusting to the changes. For some of these kids, attachment is a decades or lifelong struggle. And yet, we can provide for them what we can, toward attachment.
You are dealing with not one, but TWO issues that most lay outsiders don't understand properly: alcholic family dynamics, and attachment issues.
Sounds like your second therapist is doing a great job with you all.
CLMI
Attachment is so complex, as humans are, and your sons are lucky to have such a mom as you. I hope your sons stabilize and make great progress in their new environment, after adjusting to the changes. For some of these kids, attachment is a decades or lifelong struggle. And yet, we can provide for them what we can, toward attachment.
You are dealing with not one, but TWO issues that most lay outsiders don't understand properly: alcholic family dynamics, and attachment issues.
Sounds like your second therapist is doing a great job with you all.
CLMI
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