Girlfriend Of a heiron addict and we have a baby!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Suffolk, VA
Posts: 38
Girlfriend Of a heiron addict and we have a baby!!
I really just need some advice. Me and my boyfriend have been together almost three years and for about two in a half years he has been using heiron. We have a four month year old and we just recently moved intogether. He has been trying really hard these last couple weeks to get clean. But already relapsed and is looking like he might relapse again today. I am very stressed and I don't know what to do anymore. I'm so hurt and all he does is steal money and sells things to get his drugs. He just vanishes and no one can find him. I have a son to think of, but i also love my boyfriend and want him to become the father i know he can be, and become the guy i fell in love with. So do i leave or stay until he gets clean. I'm losing all faith i had in him. He wants to get clean and go to the navy, but geez I have been hurt all this time i don't think i can take anymore.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: East Alton, Illinois
Posts: 135
Wow that's a tough question. I'm just finishing up with an opiate detox. I have a wife and 3 boys. The only thing that got me clean was god and NA. Nobody could make me get clean. I'm not sure what to suggest you do. Maybe he should try an inpatient rehab where he is not able to "relapse" as easy. Has he tried NA? It works. I'll pray you guys find your way through this. Opiate addiction is a horrible thing to detox from but it can happen. Peace and love.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome to SR. Please know you are among friends here who understand and maybe take a read around and you can see what you may have to look forward to...it isn't pretty.
As the poster before me said, there is hope and it can be done...but the hard part is that he must be willing, and that often doesn't happen until the pain of using becomes greater than the fear of work needed to get clean.
Your baby is young, but you may want to look ahead into the not too distant future and ask yourself if you want your child to be raised by a man who steals to support his addiction to heroin and at some point may very well do jail time. Do you want to risk your own health by living with a man who uses needles? You don't have to answer here, but the thoughts are worth thinking.
No matter what you decide, we're walking with you here. Meetings have helped many of us find our balance and sanity again, maybe try Nar-anon, Al-anon or CoDA, three similar fellowships that just might save your life.
Again, welcome. I hope you find support here that you sound like you so badly need.
Hugs
As the poster before me said, there is hope and it can be done...but the hard part is that he must be willing, and that often doesn't happen until the pain of using becomes greater than the fear of work needed to get clean.
Your baby is young, but you may want to look ahead into the not too distant future and ask yourself if you want your child to be raised by a man who steals to support his addiction to heroin and at some point may very well do jail time. Do you want to risk your own health by living with a man who uses needles? You don't have to answer here, but the thoughts are worth thinking.
No matter what you decide, we're walking with you here. Meetings have helped many of us find our balance and sanity again, maybe try Nar-anon, Al-anon or CoDA, three similar fellowships that just might save your life.
Again, welcome. I hope you find support here that you sound like you so badly need.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
You are at the very beginning of a long and hard journey if you stay with him. I have two suggestions for you, whatever you choose to do:
1. Read Codependent No More By Melody Beatty just to get some clarity on what things you are powerless over and what you can do to stay sane while you care about someone who is using.
2. Look on line for an Alanon or Naranon meeting so you can meet and get some support from others in your situation. You can also go to an open NA or AA meeting to hear more about addiction and where it takes us (I'm a recovering addict).
In here, we often refer to the 3 C's:
You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.
Once you accept that only he can decide where the bottom is for him, it may be easier for you to get out of his way, stop saving him, and let him hit the floor so he can realize what he needs to do. Please keep coming back, regardless of what you decide.
Love,
KJ
1. Read Codependent No More By Melody Beatty just to get some clarity on what things you are powerless over and what you can do to stay sane while you care about someone who is using.
2. Look on line for an Alanon or Naranon meeting so you can meet and get some support from others in your situation. You can also go to an open NA or AA meeting to hear more about addiction and where it takes us (I'm a recovering addict).
In here, we often refer to the 3 C's:
You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.
Once you accept that only he can decide where the bottom is for him, it may be easier for you to get out of his way, stop saving him, and let him hit the floor so he can realize what he needs to do. Please keep coming back, regardless of what you decide.
Love,
KJ
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Virginia
Posts: 685
Originally Posted by Sammypoo456 
I have a son to think of, but i also love my boyfriend and want him to become the father i know he can be, and become the guy i fell in love with.
Hope it can help!
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...potential.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...potential.html
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Suffolk, VA
Posts: 38
he has hittin bottom.. He wants the help, but i just don't know if i can keep doing this to myself and now my son. He just went into a 5 day detox and they had somethin lined up for him to go to then the guy of the 30 day place said ok we can get you in and then was like o wait your 19 we only take ppl 20 and up and then he relapsed so there lookin into another place and it will be another week or so. He is so mean right now and really wants nothing to do with his son. Its so stressful. I hate not being able to trust him but after 2 years of him stealing and lien like there is no tomorrow. I want to put my son first, but i also want my son to have a father. His mother is a recovery addict also but she will just give him money and let him take her car, she even gave him back his phone the day he relapsed and then wonders why. I feel alone. They talk about stuff behind my back and i feel left out. he knows she will do anything he wants so he wont tell me cause i won't let him go off.. I feel like im making things worse sometimes. so i try to leave and he ask me to stay and help him through this.. and he wants me to go to meetings with him also
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: MD
Posts: 12
I lived your hell for years. I was married to a heroin addict and have a, now 4 year old, daughter with him. Or had... he overdosed and died in January.
My husband started using pills after our daughter was born in may of 06. Pills led to heroin. Everything I had was lost... our apartment, our car. ****, even dumb stuff like DVD's or my college books or cheak jewelry was stolen to feed his habit. I lived in denial for a long time, thinking and praying and hoping he would get better. I was his biggest enabler. As you are to your boyfriend. It's what we, as loved ones of addicts do... we enable. Enabling is like our own personal addiction. Because we don't want them to be sick. Or angry. Or upset. Or we don't want to fight. So we give in and it always ends the same... with them getting high and you worrying.
I would leave. Actually I did but it took me almost 3 years to do it. I lost everything because of his addiction and finally realized that my daughter and I were more important. Not that I didn't love him and want him to get better but I loved me and her more.
It takes a long long time to get to that point but you can't make him better. He has to make himself better.
But I do have some advice for you. Something that I wished I would have done while my husband was still alive. == Go to meetings with him AA and NA both. And learn about addiction. It is a disease; I never believed that statement before but I do now. And no to Al-Anon for yourself.
Good luck, I feel for you feel your pain and know how hard it is to do what you're doing.
If you need to talk more, private message or email me anytime. I've been through it all.
My husband started using pills after our daughter was born in may of 06. Pills led to heroin. Everything I had was lost... our apartment, our car. ****, even dumb stuff like DVD's or my college books or cheak jewelry was stolen to feed his habit. I lived in denial for a long time, thinking and praying and hoping he would get better. I was his biggest enabler. As you are to your boyfriend. It's what we, as loved ones of addicts do... we enable. Enabling is like our own personal addiction. Because we don't want them to be sick. Or angry. Or upset. Or we don't want to fight. So we give in and it always ends the same... with them getting high and you worrying.
I would leave. Actually I did but it took me almost 3 years to do it. I lost everything because of his addiction and finally realized that my daughter and I were more important. Not that I didn't love him and want him to get better but I loved me and her more.
It takes a long long time to get to that point but you can't make him better. He has to make himself better.
But I do have some advice for you. Something that I wished I would have done while my husband was still alive. == Go to meetings with him AA and NA both. And learn about addiction. It is a disease; I never believed that statement before but I do now. And no to Al-Anon for yourself.
Good luck, I feel for you feel your pain and know how hard it is to do what you're doing.
If you need to talk more, private message or email me anytime. I've been through it all.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Hi welcome.
Addiction is a family disease. And it is a disease of broken promises. We become so lax in our boundaries, when it comes to the addicts behavior, that we let them steal from us and treat us like doormats - all in the name of saving them.
The fact is that we cannot save them. In many cases, we actually make the situation worse by protecting them from the consequences of their bad behavior. We accept their lies. We baby them. We take care of them. We give them a safe place to sleep off the drugs just so they can go out and use more.
The best we can do for them is to draw firm boundaries about the kind of behavior that we will and will not accept in our lives and around our children. If they violate those boundaries, we need to be ready to follow through on consequences.
Getting to this point is difficult. Reading everything on this website may help you accept the reality of your situation. You aren't the first person to be in a situation like this. Many people here will be able to support you and share their experiences with you. Also the book Codependent No More and attending Alanon meetings can help you.
Work the recovery you want him to work.
Addiction is a family disease. And it is a disease of broken promises. We become so lax in our boundaries, when it comes to the addicts behavior, that we let them steal from us and treat us like doormats - all in the name of saving them.
The fact is that we cannot save them. In many cases, we actually make the situation worse by protecting them from the consequences of their bad behavior. We accept their lies. We baby them. We take care of them. We give them a safe place to sleep off the drugs just so they can go out and use more.
The best we can do for them is to draw firm boundaries about the kind of behavior that we will and will not accept in our lives and around our children. If they violate those boundaries, we need to be ready to follow through on consequences.
Getting to this point is difficult. Reading everything on this website may help you accept the reality of your situation. You aren't the first person to be in a situation like this. Many people here will be able to support you and share their experiences with you. Also the book Codependent No More and attending Alanon meetings can help you.
Work the recovery you want him to work.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
The guy you fell in love with is gone forever, and that's a good thing IF he finds recovery. The person he was lead him to being the addict he is today. He'll become a better person if he works at recovery. Sobriety by itself is not recovery.
If you'll find some meetings for yourself, you'll learn how to live your own life and not allow his addiction to determine it for you and your baby. He could be in recovery for years and still relapse. Addicts are always one bad decision away from that. It's your job to learn how to deal with that uncertainty, whether or not you're with him, especially because of having a child together.
Please put your son first, he's the only person 100% dependent on you. He already has addiction in his genes and will need you to help steer him away from that road to hell.
My 22 year old daughter is a recovering opiate addict (IV dilaudid). It's taken a horrible car wreck and getting Hep C for her to be in recovery today, and today only. I have no idea what tomorrow brings, but I'm better prepared because of the 12 steps and lots of therapy.
If you'll find some meetings for yourself, you'll learn how to live your own life and not allow his addiction to determine it for you and your baby. He could be in recovery for years and still relapse. Addicts are always one bad decision away from that. It's your job to learn how to deal with that uncertainty, whether or not you're with him, especially because of having a child together.
Please put your son first, he's the only person 100% dependent on you. He already has addiction in his genes and will need you to help steer him away from that road to hell.
My 22 year old daughter is a recovering opiate addict (IV dilaudid). It's taken a horrible car wreck and getting Hep C for her to be in recovery today, and today only. I have no idea what tomorrow brings, but I'm better prepared because of the 12 steps and lots of therapy.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
He will never be the father you want him to be while he is in the throws of addiction. Just won't happen, can't happen, he first priorty is drugs.
You are both so young and trying to raise a child, it is hard enough without throwing drugs into the mix.
Your son must be your priorty, you are his future, give him the best chance you can, think with your head, not your heart. Your son is depending on you to do the right thing for him.
His recovery is 100% up to him, you are responsible for yours, get to those meetings, keep posting and reading others posts.
We are here for you.
Dolly
You are both so young and trying to raise a child, it is hard enough without throwing drugs into the mix.
Your son must be your priorty, you are his future, give him the best chance you can, think with your head, not your heart. Your son is depending on you to do the right thing for him.
His recovery is 100% up to him, you are responsible for yours, get to those meetings, keep posting and reading others posts.
We are here for you.
Dolly
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Suffolk, VA
Posts: 38
Thank you everyone.. It all meant alot... He left this morning to go to a 65 day program, the place called him last night and said there was an opening so he went. So i am going to take this time to get to some meetings and find myself and take care of that beautiful baby.. but guess what someone broke into are house yesterday cause he owed them money and stole over a 1500 dollar tv. This is the last chance, when he gets out if he goes straight back to the heiron i am getting my son and leaving. My son is my top priority and i have been letting my heart get in the way of that. Thank you so much
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: MD
Posts: 12
Originally Posted by Sammypoo456
He left this morning to go to a 65 day program ... but guess what someone broke into are house yesterday cause he owed them money and stole over a 1500 dollar tv.
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