SashaMB

Hi All,

I am new to this forum, and I am reading up on alcoholism because I am concerned that my husband is an alcoholic.

We have been together for 4 years, and married for just over a year. My concern is that I have noticed that my husband drinks every day. When I first started noticing that he seemed to drink frequently, I began looking for days where he does NOT drink. That was about 2 months ago that I started paying specific attention, and now I cannot even remember the last day that he did not drink something. He is very high functioning: good job, never misses work, well-liked, social, close to his friends and family. But every single night after work and on the weekends, he drinks. He doesn't act much different than normal when he drinks, except he will occasionally be obviously drunk and obnoxious, but not abusive or angry. I have mentioned casually a few times that he doesn't need to drink every single day, but he has brushed off my comments. He also will regularly comment that many drinks have so little alcohol that they don't count (like regular beer). Also, every single time we go to a restaurant that serves alcohol, he will automatically order a drink. I always drive home because there is no way that I want him getting a DUI.

I didn't think the drinking was a problem until recently, but I have begun to realized that I don't actually see him sober very often, since he starts drinking as soon as he gets home from work. We have had arguments about various things (not related to alcohol), and I have been very frustrated because I feel that we do not communicate very well. Now, in retrospect, I realize that every one of these arguments has occurred when he was drinking. And because I am not a drinker, I didn't even think about making sure he was sober to discuss things until recently. I now believe that his drinking is making it very difficult to communicate about basic issues.

I feel kind of stupid that I truly did not realized the amount and frequency of his drinking until recently. We did not live together before we got married, so I really don't know if he has always begun drinking right after work. I would see him drink sometimes when we were dating, but I had no idea it was every single day.

Now that I realize that he is rarely sober (even though he usually acts normal when drinking), I find myself not wanting to interact with him when he's drinking because I am so irritated by the fact that he's always drinking. I feel like I should confront him because I don't even think he realizes this is becoming a huge issue for me. I suspect his reaction will not be good, but I have no desire to live with an alcoholic husband. Also, I have no desire to have kids with an alcoholic because I would not want them to be around that every day.

Any advice on how to confront him? Should I ask for him to do treatment? I'm not actually certain that he's a clinical alcoholic, but I am certain that his drinking is a problem for me. Thanks for reading, I appreciate any advice.

Sasha

nodaybut2day

hi there and WELCOME to SR! This is a wonderful place filled with loving and supportive people. I'm glad you found this board.

First off, since you mention being new to SR, I'd like to post for you the 3 C's of addiction:
You didn't cause it.
You can't cure it.
You can't control it.

The last two are particularly relevant, in light of the questions in your thread. You ask how you should confront your husband...may I then ask you what you think confronting him will change?

I think the underlying understanding about such a confrontation is the expectations that what you say or do, will have an impact and *make* him change. This is a false expectation that will lead you to much heartache. You simply cannot make your H do anything. You aren't that powerful. The only thing you can change is yourself.

The question you could ask yourself is: do I have a problem with his drinking? From your post, it seems you do. This begs the next question: What am I willing to live with?

The way your husband is, right now, today, is exactly who he is willing and able to be. Do you love and accept this man completely (not just "the sober him") as he is right now?

Keep posting and reading. This is an awesome place to be.

Pelican

Welcome to the Sober Recovery Family!

Pull out your keyboard and make yourself at home. We are here to support you.

I agree with the above poster about confronting your A.
I tried screaming, crying, begging, ignoring, etc....I finally accepted that I could not control, or cure another persons addiction.

I learned how to take better care of myself through SR, Alanon and self-help books. I love reading the wisdom in our sticky (permanent) posts at the top of this forum.

Welcome!

Starburst

Hi, and welcome to SR, i am glad you decided to seek confirmation for you, its important to understand how you feel about it. I think anyone who cannot or will not drink for one or two days, is an A. I dealt with it for years, before i married my H, he was clean at the time, never did I dream he would relapse after 8 years and 3 kids later! I was devastated as I found out, he had been secretly drinking, it took me almost 2 years to gather all my facts and proof. When I did confront him, he promised he would stop, 4 days later, all the patterns started again, and I found bottle after bottle, I have since learned, confroting does nothing, n A has to want to stop for them! All we an do is look after ourselves, try to detach, be understanding as far as we are able. I have handed my AH over to HP and pray he finds his way back. Keep posting and reading. (((HUGS)))

Puccibird

Hello Sasha MB

I just recently joined this forum as of today and your post was the first one I have ever read here. Your situation sounds alot like mine.

I have been married for 7 1/2 years now and in the last year and a half I started to become more aware of his drinking. He has always drank. Like when we were dating we would go to a house party or cottage and have drinks. And before my son came, we always enjoyed wine with dinner. At nights he would have a cocktail (martini or scotch) on Friday or Saturday nights just to wind down the week.

But his drinking has steadily increased over the years. It is to the point where anytime he is at home he has to have a drink in his hand. He owns his own store so on most nights he doesn't get home until late. And in that time span of when he gets home and goes to sleep (which can be about 2 hours) he can only fit in two drinks. But on days where he is off, susually 2 days a week. he will ALWAYS have anywhere from 4 to 7 drinks per day.

I get particularly embarrassed when we invite family or friends over for dinner because by the end of the meal he is always either tipsy or drunk. The only good thing is that when he is drunk, it usually isn't that long before he will pass out. So at least I don't have to deal with his annoying obnixious behaviour all night. But I don't like it that my son sees him this way. Right now my son is 4 years old and doesn't really understand but he will soon begin to see.

I have talked to my husband on many occasions about his drinking. Usually he just agrees with everything I say but the drinking still continues.

So I don't have any advice for you but I am just posting as to say that I am in the same shoes as you.

Bernadette

What you're describing sounds pretty classic.

especially the hesitation to "confront" or bring it up because of expectation that he will be upset or his reaction will be angry etc. Alcoholics send out the message (some are subtle others are blunt) that their drinking is just not up for discussion.

Is there any topic, in a genuine intimate relationship that is taboo? I mean, we all have subjects that make us prickly, but we should be able to bring anything up with our spouse, and share our feelings. When there is all this anxiety and weirdness around discussing alcohol or drugs it is a pretty bright red flag.

Maybe don't look at it as a confrontation. It is just a chance for you to get your feelings out in the open. Stick to "I" statements and let him know how you feel and how his drinking is affecting your marriage, how you are concerned about his health, and about your future together.

You don't have to prove anything to him. His drinking is affecting you. Period.

Just be prepared because the usual A tactic when we bring up REALITY is to pick a fight, or make you feel like you are crazy and don't know what you're talking about, or you're so uptight and square because everyone but you drinks like this, or if you only did this that or the other thing then he wouldn't drink the way he does...blah, blah, blah. We call it quacking:

Glad you found SR! Collectively we've seen everything on here - stick around - check out the "Classic Reading" stickie at the top of the first page of this forum - lotsa good stuff in there.

peace-
b

canuckch

Welcome Sasha MB and Puccibird

I can only second what all the previous posters have said. Check out the sticky threads. Read what others in a similar situation as you are doing. Each one of us lives a different live. Each of us in a different situation. But after reading here for a while you will see how much we have in common, how much of our lives are similar and how much it helps knowing you are not alone with your doubts and worries.

I have a 4 year daughter. I think she sees and understands way more than she lets on. Those kids are smart.

SashaMB

Thank you for your replies, I appreciate it. From what I have read, and what you all have shared, it seems pretty clear that your can't change an alcoholic who doesn't want to change. The reason I think that at least an initial confrontation needs to happen is to be fair to my husband. As of right now, he doesn't even know that I have a huge problem with his daily drinking. I feel that if I didn't say anything, then that would be the same thing as going along with it. If my husband had a big problem with something that I was doing, I would want him to let me know so that I could address the issue. As one poster said, you should be able to talk about any issue in a marriage. He will do (or not do) whatever he chooses, but I think it's only fair that he knows how I feel about the situation. Unfortunately, I am absolutely sick about the thought of a confrontation because I anticipate he will not react well. But I think I should at least give him the opportunity to address the issue before I plan what I should do next. Just planning a time to confront him when he's not already drinking will be a challenge.

Puccibird, I'm sorry you are going through this with your husband as well. I never dreamed that I'd be in this situation, so I know it's tough. I appreciate you sharing your experience, and I hope that things work out for you and your family. The thing about my husband is that since he is professionally successful, I don't think that he believes it's possible for him to be an alcoholic, as if alcoholism is only for lazy, unemployed people. I'd trade that good job for a sober husband......

Again, thanks for the responses, I'm really glad for all the information on this site. I am trying to get a bit more educated before planning my next move.

Sasha

ICant

Sasha, Reading your words you sound that you are very emotionally healthy and as yet have not been sucked into the votex of drama that surrounds an active drinker who is progressing deeper into alcoholism. When I first came to Al-Anon I could not trust my gut instincts because I could no longer feel. I was numb. I had stopped feeling angy, stopped feeling sad, stopped feeling happy.

SashaMB

Anvilhead, you are right, I definitely want to talk with my husband. Ideally it won't be a battle, but an honest conversation. I am always very open with what I think about things with my husband, so this issue is unusual in that I feel so apprehensive about bringing up the subject of his daily drinking.

I think there are 2 reasons for my uneasiness. First, I have made several casual comments about his not needing to drink every single day, and he has totally blown it off, or just said, "so?" Along those lines, he has recently made several comments minimizing alcohol as "nothing." For example, we went to dinner this weekend, and he had beer with dinner, so I drove home. He really protested my driving, insisting that what he had drank was nothing. I do not ride in cars with anyone who has been drinking, so I drove home, but I was really surprised at his willingness to take a chance when there was absolutely no reason to do so. Similarly, the other day he was on his 5th or 6th drink and he actually declared with great pride that his beer was only 4.5% alcohol. Of course, the first several drinks were 12 ounce glasses of 12% alcohol wine. Yet he pointed this out to me like I should be impressed with his moderation.

My second reason for being nervous to bring it up is since I have really become aware of the true quantity and frequency of his drinking, I realize that catching him sober will not be an easy task. I often get home later than he does, so he is frequently already drinking by the time I see him. I definitely want him to be sober for this conversation.

So, for the past few days, I have been reading a couple of books on understanding alcoholism, and avoiding codependency and enabling. I want the conversation to be as productive as possible, so I don't want to speak out of anger or frustration. Thus, I am mentally preparing myself to broach the subject. His birthday is tomorrow, so I am planning to wait until after that to have a talk. Wish me luck....

Jadmack25

All the luck in the world, and lots more from outer galaxies, because I fear you will need every little bit of luck going.
I will toss in some fervent prayers for you both.

God bless

Puccibird

There have been several times that I brought up the topic of his drinking. And I approached it from different angles. One time it was about how he is older and drinking so much can lead to heart attacks or stoke etc. Another time the topic was about how since we are parents we have to set a good example to our son and that openly drinking in excess is not setting a good example. Another angle I took was pointing out that in case there was an emergency like a fire and he was passed out, how would I get my son and him out.

With every singel one of these conversations his reply was just a nod and a "uh-huh" but the pattern still continued. At one time I think he even said he was sorry and he will try harder but it was still the same.

Now if I ever bring up his drinking, he doesn't even respond and just turns away. I guess when you keep nagging and saying the same thing, they don't even hear you anymore.

naive

i think you might feel better if you just get what you want to say off of your chest without delay.


it doesn't matter if it is his birthday or not.

if you can't discover him sober, then speak with him on his first couple of drinks. it doesn't have to be a big deal, merely communicate what you are feeling.

i think it causes undue stress to put off what needs to be done.

you should be able to speak with your partner about your emotional needs.

perhaps something like,

"i want you to know that your drinking is becoming a barrier for me. i feel unhappy in our relationship and am thinking of what to do about that. i want you to know that although i love you, i would never have a child with you if you continue drinking daily. i'm not saying you're an alcoholic, i'm just saying what i can live with."

nodaybut2day

If you *have* to say something to him, I'd just go ahead and say it simply, and say it once. Then go about your business. It's not your job to get the message through his boozed-up brain. Sure you could try to catch him sober, but how long will you have to wait?

I don't know that your X waited until "the right moment" to get blitzed.

SashaMB

Tonight I talked to my husband about his drinking. I simply told him that him drinking every single day is a problem for me. He did not get angry, which was a relief. But it wasn't exactly well-received either.

He asked what difference it made if he drank. I told him that I feel that I deserve to get to spend time with my husband as he is naturally, not as he is intoxicated. He said that he drinks because there is nothing else to do. I told him that I didn't believe his drinking was anything personal about me, but that his daily drinking affects me because it makes me feel like he doesn't even want to be around me unless he's drinking. He said, "oh, so you don't want to be around me?" I said I do want to be around him, but not when he's drinking.

I also told him that the amount of money spent on alcohol is pretty high, and he's recently been talking about whether we have enough money to go on vacation. I said that money wasn't the main issue to me, but that we could certainly do other things with the money spent on beer. He then said that this was just about money. I said no, it's about not wanting him to drink every single day.

He then tried to change the subject, saying that there were things that he didn't like about my behavior (like not brushing the cats enough), but that he wasn't going to try to change me. I told him that he was changing the subject, and that the issue is the fact that I have a problem with his drinking.

He said that he's actually been thinking about his drinking too, and that he used to have a rule that he would only drink on Friday and the weekend. He said he could go back to that rule. I didn't issue any threats or ultimatums, but I just said that I would like to see him drink less.

The whole conversation was only about 10 minutes, and there was no yelling, crying, raised voices or dramatics. I am proud of myself for bringing it up directly and calmly. Of course, I have no idea what will happen now, but I feel much better having shared my concerns. It wasn't entirely satisfying because he did not really acknowledge that this is a problem, and he basically equated it with any petty complaint that he may have against my behavior. But he didn't totally dismiss it. I asked him if he thought it would be hard to not drink every day. He said that he didn't know.

So I guess I will have to wait and see. I know I can't control him or his decisions, but I really hope to see a change. I hate being around him when he's drunk. In the meantime, I will hope and pray. And I will have to decide what boundaries I can live with. Thanks for the comments and support, I appreciate it.

ImReadyToQuit

Your husband sounds a lot like I was... I'm glad it went over half way decent...

2 things will happen, he will either.. Honor his word and stick to weekend moderation....

Or he will begin to hide his drinking during the week.. I would keep an extra eye out for the hiding at this stage.. If he starts hiding/lying, he is most definatly an alcoholic.

Good luck, and try to help your husband the best you can. And take care of yourself.

nodaybut2day

I'm going to say this as gently as possible, but this is an exercise in futility. The reasoning that your words will change your husband's actions is only going to lead you to heartache. Please turn the focus away from him, what he's going to do, or say, or not do or say, and focus on yourself.

Now you're talking

whatishappy

SashaMB, I'm curious about why you decided to ask him to "drink less" instead of "stop drinking and commit to treatment." I'm new here, and I'm trying to find my way and talk to my A husband, too. I'm not judging or suggesting I would do anything differently - I'm just not sure whether or how "giving a mouse a cookie" will help in my situation.

healthyagain

Hello everyone!
I am also new here, and I know it would probably be appropriate to open a new thread and introduce myself, but I just found this topic, and cannot believe that your situation Sasha is so similar to mine! There are a few slight differences, but the more I read, the more I understand in what kind of denial I have lived for over 4 years.

My husband does exactly the same thing, drinks every day a few beers (now with a high percentage of alcohol, over 8%, Steel Reserve), and then on weekends he stays up whole night and drinks whole night alone, same beer. He is also quite functional, he manages to keep the job, he is never physically violent, a really good guy, but can become pretty obnoxious when he drinks and wants to discuss things. I actually realized that sometimes he wants to pick a fight with me, and when I get upset and start crying, he does not even care. He just goes to sleep, like nothing happened! It took me some time to understand things, but now I am 100% sure that we have a drinking problem, and I am learning how to cope with it.

I keep telling myself that I should join a support group, but for some reason, I wanted to try the same thing you did, limit his drinking to weekends, just to see if it gonna work. And this is not the first time I tried this with him. He gets moody, he does not really fight, but goes to sleep, does not want to talk to me, or do anything. He just wants to go to sleep - sleep through the day, because "there is nothing to look forward to". I used to feel sorry for him, but I figured out that he only uses my emotions to get more alcohol and get away with everything. I was telling myself that it was not a big deal, and I was kinda blinded, but I did not know any better and I just could not believe that it was happening to me and our marriage.

I am really happy because I have found this forum. I have never talked about my situation to anybody else.

healthyagain

double post...sorry