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Didn't expect that!

Old 06-06-2010, 06:30 PM
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Didn't expect that!

DAY 5!!!

Actually it is just late on day 4, but no sleep likely so I might as well call it morning.

Having spent my whole life fiercely resistant to any kind of spirituality, I forced myself to pray this evening (I even find writing that word, 'pray' difficult) as I have been advised that even if I didn't 'feel it', doing it anyway can be a very useful thing to do.

Feeling ridiculous and phoney, I tried at first to remember how we were made to pray at school but in the end just started talking to the world / universe. I asked for guidance through tomorrow so that I could be useful, not destructive in my actions, and that a colleague of mine for whom I have harboured some very strong resentments could find relief from the mental turmoil she sufers from. I chose this person because previously I have spent hours brooding over how awful she is and in my mind she has been an enemy and responsible for much of my own unhappiness.

I found myself talking freely (in my head) for much longer than I had intended to, and to my amazement, found myself saying 'I love you' to the universe. It just kind of came out. I was left with a brief sense of being part of the world in a way that I haven't felt, well - ever. If you knew me you would not bet on this ever happening.

Just wanted to share what is to me something really significant. No desire for religion in my life, but a hunger for something good to fill the gap in the middle of me that has been plugged with alcohol and self-hatred for so many years. This was an amazing moment.

Still wholly confused, sleepless and full of anxiety but also a little bit elated as something seems to be shifting in my head.

Going to keep reading and posting as it seems to help a lot; going to meetings and learning more about this programme.

Thanks everyone. x
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Old 06-06-2010, 06:53 PM
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Sober max,


I had something similiar happen the first time I realized something like;


I had always been the center of my universe,, ....but I'm realizing now what a small insignificant part I am of THE UNIVERSE.

It was a freeing experience for me, .......to be a small part of something so damn BIG !
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Old 06-06-2010, 06:55 PM
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This helps me.
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Old 06-06-2010, 07:01 PM
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Sobermax, great to read your post, that is my next step. I still haven't the courage to do that, get on my knees and pray, but I'm taking it slow, and hoping that I will get there one day. Keep going strong, Day 5 is an amazing accomplishment!

Lithobid
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Old 06-06-2010, 07:19 PM
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thats awesome...
I was raised an athiest and worried about 'prayer', that on the off chance that there was a God, he would hear and laugh at me.
I also felt that I didnt have a right to pray, as Ive been rather ****** in the past and only prayed when I wanted something or times were hard.
That God would be thinking.."oh its you again, so what is it now?'...lol
Also the fact that I am completley athiest....until something bad happens.
I can totally relate to your post, Ive 'prayed' before, Im not sure who to, but it brings me a feeling of total peace that I cant explain.
Hope it brings you peace too
x
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Old 06-06-2010, 11:08 PM
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Originally Posted by sobermax View Post
Feeling ridiculous and phoney, I tried at first to remember how we were made to pray at school but in the end just started talking to the world / universe. I asked for guidance through tomorrow so that I could be useful, not destructive in my actions, and that a colleague of mine for whom I have harboured some very strong resentments could find relief from the mental turmoil she sufers from. I chose this person because previously I have spent hours brooding over how awful she is and in my mind she has been an enemy and responsible for much of my own unhappiness.

I found myself talking freely (in my head) for much longer than I had intended to, and to my amazement, found myself saying 'I love you' to the universe. It just kind of came out. I was left with a brief sense of being part of the world in a way that I haven't felt, well - ever. If you knew me you would not bet on this ever happening.

Hi Max,

That's a special moment for you. Thanks for sharing it.

I understand what you meant about feeling ridiculous and phoney, I did too. But when relief, peace and serenity comes admist the turmoil, it doesn't matter anymore.

Well done on getting to Day 5 - Sleep will become easier in the days to come.
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Old 06-06-2010, 11:51 PM
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thank you for your post sobermax.
that was a truely wonderful moment for you and if you keep it up good things will come to pass.it is an impossibility i have found that if we take away something that a void is left and if we are just even a little willing then the void will be filled just like you said!
great stuff.
you will look back on this and realise that you infact experienced your first spiritual experience! lol...
keep on keeping on.
what a lovely start to the morning.
thanks.
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Old 06-07-2010, 03:06 AM
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Terrific post, I can relate to it so much
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Old 06-07-2010, 05:50 PM
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Originally Posted by topspin View Post
Sober max,


I had something similiar happen the first time I realized something like;


I had always been the center of my universe,, ....but I'm realizing now what a small insignificant part I am of THE UNIVERSE.

It was a freeing experience for me, .......to be a small part of something so damn BIG !
That was it! Exactly so. Ha!
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Old 06-07-2010, 06:31 PM
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Max,

It sounds to me like you have prayer down better than 90% of the religious folks. Keep on the search for your higher power, your truth.
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Old 06-07-2010, 06:40 PM
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Some thoughts from today:

I don't have to see my relapses as 'failures'. My experiences have prepared me for today.

I don't have to hate everything and everyone around me just because life can seem hard sometimes.

I am unlikely to be transformed into a religious-maniac-cult-zombie by undertaking this programme.

If I drink, I'm dead. Just a matter of time. Immediately saying that phrase in my head when I start romanticising alcohol (and I always picture myself with chilled white wine in a glorious rural sunset for some reason when the reality of my drinking is far less discriminating, and I live in a city) or have a physical craving gives me a moment to think of a whole library of memories: hospital beds, cells, my wife's sadness, could go on and on and on . . . and so far this has really helped with any sticky moments. If that isn't sufficient, I now have a selection of 24 hour helplines, and a mobile phone.

Not only do I not have to control every thread of the past, future and present with the force of my personality, but the first two don't even exist.

Although the moral inventory and making of amends are particularly daunting and that not much about this is likely to be easy, much of what seems to be happening in my head is letting go of preconceptions / prejudices. Not taking on a further burden as I have always imagined it, just releasing the negativity that has weighed me down for years.

This week has been very cool.

Getting this stuff out at SR is just brilliant. So far in meetings I haven't gone much further than saying 'hi', that I'm an alcoholic and am glad to be there (except once). Several members have been really generous with their time outside of meetings, but even then . . .well, I feel like an emotional infant! Surely this will change.

So right now, I'm very grateful for this site, and for all the extraordinary people who populate it.
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Old 06-07-2010, 06:55 PM
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something good to fill the gap in the middle of me that has been plugged with alcohol and self-hatred
Couldn't have put it better myself! I'm glad you're feeling so good about life right now. Living sober really rocks, even tho it doesn't automatically make life easier or smoother but makes me better able to deal with the bad stuff.

It did me a lot of good to read your post. Thank you for making my day and for strengthening my resolve to stay sober. :ghug3
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Old 06-07-2010, 11:17 PM
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Originally Posted by sobermax View Post
Some thoughts from today:

I don't have to see my relapses as 'failures'. My experiences have prepared me for today.
This is something I came to realise as well. My relapses - however hellish they were - have ultimately served me well.

I don't have to hate everything and everyone around me just because life can seem hard sometimes.
So true. It's exhausting hating and resenting.

I am unlikely to be transformed into a religious-maniac-cult-zombie by undertaking this programme.
Very unlikely.


If I drink, I'm dead. Just a matter of time.
Yes


If that isn't sufficient, I now have a selection of 24 hour helplines, and a mobile phone.
When times do get difficult, I hope you do call people. Getting to regularly talk to people in AA helps because what happens is you find someone will call you just at the moment when you need it, and the chances are you would have never picked up the phone yourself.


Although the moral inventory and making of amends are particularly daunting
Everyone feels like this. This is why we say keep focused on the step you are on and don't look at the next one until you are ready. When you are ready, you won't feel so daunted by it. There are a lot of people working the 12 Steps posting here in the 12 Step forum, why don't you check it out when you are ready.


This week has been very cool.

Getting this stuff out at SR is just brilliant.
Good for you. Well done on your sober time. Keep sharing.
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Old 06-08-2010, 02:22 AM
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Great share on prayer... Thanks. I sometimes think that maybe I am praying wrong if that makes sense. Sometimes we just need to be positive and think about positive things for others.

I loved the description that you gave about your experience, i am sure this is just the start of a new spiritul journey into recovery & life for you.

Please keep sharing and all of the best.

Cheers,

NB
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Old 06-08-2010, 03:12 AM
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Way to go! I so agree with your reflection on drinking. It does get better and I found each day sober makes me all the more stronger!

Keep sharing
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Old 06-08-2010, 03:53 AM
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Great posts and food for thought Sobermax!! It's really lovely to have you in the SR Community :-)

I had what I could only call a 'spiritual awakening' back in January/February which has helped me get through the ups and downs of sobriety and with dealing with the new emotions I'm feeling after years of numbing them with alcohol... Several months on I am a different person and feel much stronger and able to deal with what life throws at me! I'm also praying and have been told that the most powerful prayer I can repeat over and over again to heal myself is 'Jesus I love you' which is not a million miles away from what you said spontaneously!! It brings me great peace and reconciliation..the feelings of guilt are lessening and I start to love myself again..

Congratulations on taking this courageous step and we are all here to walk the journey with you my friend!!

Big hugs,

Almath


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Old 06-08-2010, 06:30 AM
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We all have it in us to be drawn to the Divine. I think it's just hard for some of us to take it pre-packaged from our respective cultures; we just need to discover it for ourselves.

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