When you know objecting will do no good?
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 688
When you know objecting will do no good?
Since I've quit going to family holidays because of family behavior and their impossible expectations for me, my family has started inviting my kids without talking to me. When I say we can't make it, my sisters 'offer' to bring various kids with them. There's a history of similar behavior--just circumventing me--regarding my kids babysitting for my sister.
Most recently, my in-laws are coming to visit. Without consulting me or my husband, either before or after, my parents invited my in-laws to stay with them. To me, this is kind of rude, to invite someone else's guests to stay with you, without so much as mentioning it to the host.
Combine it with the way they act as if my kids don't have a parent who needs to be consulted about anything, and I'm pretty much getting the feeling I'm being dismissed as a human being worthy of any rights, respect, or consideration.
I know if I say anything, they'll explain why it's my own fault they're doing this and how I'm so terrible I'll deny my in-laws a convenient, nice, free place to stay because I'm 'holding a grudge.'
(Once again, my character flaws, never because they did anything wrong. Also, the truth is, I don't want the in-laws staying there because my mother unjustly badmouths me. I finally realized she without doubt did it in the first weeks I met my mother in law, which might finally explain some of my mil's unjust notions about me. Also, my mother talks so much that it got to be difficult for my husband to see his own mother or for us to leave early enough to take her anywhere around the state.)
I know saying anything will do no good. In fact, it'll be used as more stories against me and proof of my bad character. Does this leave me with the option of sucking it up and being treated for the rest of my life like I don't exist?
Most recently, my in-laws are coming to visit. Without consulting me or my husband, either before or after, my parents invited my in-laws to stay with them. To me, this is kind of rude, to invite someone else's guests to stay with you, without so much as mentioning it to the host.
Combine it with the way they act as if my kids don't have a parent who needs to be consulted about anything, and I'm pretty much getting the feeling I'm being dismissed as a human being worthy of any rights, respect, or consideration.
I know if I say anything, they'll explain why it's my own fault they're doing this and how I'm so terrible I'll deny my in-laws a convenient, nice, free place to stay because I'm 'holding a grudge.'
(Once again, my character flaws, never because they did anything wrong. Also, the truth is, I don't want the in-laws staying there because my mother unjustly badmouths me. I finally realized she without doubt did it in the first weeks I met my mother in law, which might finally explain some of my mil's unjust notions about me. Also, my mother talks so much that it got to be difficult for my husband to see his own mother or for us to leave early enough to take her anywhere around the state.)
I know saying anything will do no good. In fact, it'll be used as more stories against me and proof of my bad character. Does this leave me with the option of sucking it up and being treated for the rest of my life like I don't exist?
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: NJ
Posts: 197
Hi EveningRose
I am so sorry that you are being subject to your parents dysfunctional and downright disrespectful behaviour. From the outside they look to be scapegoating you for not toeing the family line.
You seem to be seem to be surrounded by a lot of crazy-making behaviour:
Family rows at Xmas and you being expected to sit meekly while you are shouted at
Being told that your children do not behave in church
Your children being invited to visit without your permission
Your children being asked to babysit without your permission
Your inlaws being invited to stay without you and your oh's knowledge
For me detachment and distance are my answers when dealing with toxic behaviours. I have to work hard at this, very hard - the peace of not engaging is worth it though.
Another thought, are you willing to let your children absorb the unspoken message that your parents / sister are giving out that your opinions are not worthy enough to be treated with respect.
It is a difficult situation and I'm sending you hope and strength, IWTHxxx
I am so sorry that you are being subject to your parents dysfunctional and downright disrespectful behaviour. From the outside they look to be scapegoating you for not toeing the family line.
You seem to be seem to be surrounded by a lot of crazy-making behaviour:
Family rows at Xmas and you being expected to sit meekly while you are shouted at
Being told that your children do not behave in church
Your children being invited to visit without your permission
Your children being asked to babysit without your permission
Your inlaws being invited to stay without you and your oh's knowledge
For me detachment and distance are my answers when dealing with toxic behaviours. I have to work hard at this, very hard - the peace of not engaging is worth it though.
Another thought, are you willing to let your children absorb the unspoken message that your parents / sister are giving out that your opinions are not worthy enough to be treated with respect.
It is a difficult situation and I'm sending you hope and strength, IWTHxxx
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Pennsylvania. It's like Transylvania without the good times.
Posts: 16
Hey sweetie.
I've never responded to your posts because I never really felt like I had anything useful to add. But I have read them all and I have to agree that your family is just out of line with how they treat you.
The reason I'm responding now is because I think your kids need to pick up some of the slack here. I was a kid not to long ago and believe me, they know what is going on. I think (though, keep in mind, this comes from someone without children) that you need to tell them that they are not to go anywhere with anyone unless you have given your approval. Make it a house rule. And that if that rule is broken they will be punished.
When it comes to your family you have to deal with that as best you can. But when it comes to your children I agree with IWTH that you are teaching them that it is acceptable to treat you as if your opinions and rules have no worth.
Hoping things get better.
Riane
I've never responded to your posts because I never really felt like I had anything useful to add. But I have read them all and I have to agree that your family is just out of line with how they treat you.
The reason I'm responding now is because I think your kids need to pick up some of the slack here. I was a kid not to long ago and believe me, they know what is going on. I think (though, keep in mind, this comes from someone without children) that you need to tell them that they are not to go anywhere with anyone unless you have given your approval. Make it a house rule. And that if that rule is broken they will be punished.
When it comes to your family you have to deal with that as best you can. But when it comes to your children I agree with IWTH that you are teaching them that it is acceptable to treat you as if your opinions and rules have no worth.
Hoping things get better.
Riane
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
I agree that it's time to set some boundaries for you AND for your kids.
Your kids go NOWHERE without your permission. Period. End of story. And if the family wants to make you out to be the big meanie? Well, it's probably a very good thing then if you don't allow your children to think that the behavior said family members are exhibiting is acceptable. No circumventing you. Period.
If the in-laws want to stay with your parents? Well, that's certainly their option. Just as it is certainly your option to call them and tell them that you're sorry they didn't feel comfortable staying with your family, but you look forward to seeing them when you all connect up at some point (that "point" being a time/place that works for YOU, not for the family).
I would seriously question whether these are the sorts of behaviors you want your kids to think are "normal". Depending on the age of your kids (sounds like their old enough), I might even have a discussion with them - tell them about the elephant in the living room. Tell them what's happening and why people are treating you this way, from your understanding of the situation. Let them see things through your eyes. Certain adults in my life opened my eyes and made the world make much more sense to me - and even though the truth was an ugly truth, it was comforting in that there was finally some understanding on my part as to what all the tension I could feel was all about. I could sense something wasn't right, but had no idea what it was and was constantly on tenterhooks.
Usual caveat of your mileage may vary and take what you need, leave the rest. Wishing you peace, no matter what path you choose.
Your kids go NOWHERE without your permission. Period. End of story. And if the family wants to make you out to be the big meanie? Well, it's probably a very good thing then if you don't allow your children to think that the behavior said family members are exhibiting is acceptable. No circumventing you. Period.
If the in-laws want to stay with your parents? Well, that's certainly their option. Just as it is certainly your option to call them and tell them that you're sorry they didn't feel comfortable staying with your family, but you look forward to seeing them when you all connect up at some point (that "point" being a time/place that works for YOU, not for the family).
I would seriously question whether these are the sorts of behaviors you want your kids to think are "normal". Depending on the age of your kids (sounds like their old enough), I might even have a discussion with them - tell them about the elephant in the living room. Tell them what's happening and why people are treating you this way, from your understanding of the situation. Let them see things through your eyes. Certain adults in my life opened my eyes and made the world make much more sense to me - and even though the truth was an ugly truth, it was comforting in that there was finally some understanding on my part as to what all the tension I could feel was all about. I could sense something wasn't right, but had no idea what it was and was constantly on tenterhooks.
Usual caveat of your mileage may vary and take what you need, leave the rest. Wishing you peace, no matter what path you choose.
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