boarderline81

Just wondering... I'm fairly new to the site, and all the success stories I've read involve leaving their partner. Its just that I love my H and I want him to get better, he's not abusive...and he still has a job-- its progressive, I see where it can go and I'm trying to stop that. I feel like he loves me but has a disease and needs to treat it like you would cancer. Just wondering if there are any success stories, anything that can give me hope that it won't end in divorce or me leaving him...

Mambo Queen

I don't speak from experience here, because I left my XAH, and actually have had a hell of a time truly detaching but am continuing to work on that. However, I would say from all of the wisdom I have gleaned from this site that any stories like that you may read would more than likely involve having an excellent Al-Anon recovery program working for yourself and being able to truly accept your marriage and your husband whether or not he drinks. It's the convincing the other person to work a recovery program of his/her own and/or not drink that seems to be the impossible part.

And I will play a little bit of the "devil's advocate" here to some of the conventional wisdom and say that I don't believe every single alcoholic is the same, and that not every one of them is on a grave slippery slope where the only possible outcome is "death, jail, or institutions". I think there's probably more than a few people who fit the clinical definition of an alcoholic that can remain somewhat "functional" as far as still working, not getting rip-roaring drunk all the time, still basically maintaining their responsibilities. I'm sure most people can think of a few people in their lives that fit that description. I would say if your husband does, it may be more possible for you to detach and be reasonably happy and be able to let go of his outcomes. But the main point that has been hammered home to me from my therapist, from this website, and from my own experience, is that NOTHING YOU can do will really change HIS choices.

So then the question becomes, can you happily live your life, with him, if he never changes? And of course, he might get worse, and then...could you live with that?

Starburst

HI and welcome to SR, i am in exactly the same position as you, my AH drinks and buys his A in secret, total denial. The only thing that really gets to me is his mood swings. We have 2 girls, i love him, we have been together 26 years, married 11, i am going nowhere. I just wish he would stop this and take responsibility for his life. Instead of blaming everyone for his bad choices. It is hard and am still trying to deal with his bad moods. Hope u find some help here. I do the best I can, but yet nothing is ever good enough!

Taking5

There are A's here on SR, and I see them daily in my AA meetings, that have salvaged their marriage. Notice I said the alcoholic did it, not the wife or husband. You cannot make him better.

Some people strongly advocate leaving their A, as in fact many do end up leaving. In either case Alanon will be very helpful if you use its resources.

Good Luck.

Kerbcrawler

I Dont wish to cover old ground,already said, but i do think as above posts have said, sometimes life just rolls on and if your aw/ah is still functioning and contributing,and your kids love him/her, many just roll on with life,as you have too,especially tied up in financial commitments,a home you both share and are happy in, if you can tolerate the situation, and it doesent infringe upon your health/sanity,wellbeing too much..many accept and get by with it...not ideal but doable..i think..

Learn2Live

I agree with what all the posters here have said, and love the perspectives, so thanks for sharing.

The decision really is all about where you are in your life, where you want to be, what you want to accomplish, how you want to get there, etc. Meaning, it is YOUR journey and once you own your journey, the world becomes a different place. At least it did for me.

I look at my Mom who has stayed with my alcoholic Dad over 50 years and it is sad. Yes, he got worse because he did not stop. What's the probability that any one alcoholic will continue to drink and not get help? Probably pretty damn high. Maybe it's because I am from a completely different generation but I will not put up with that. I do not want to live with some man in the same abode who is not moving forward, actively doing something to better himself and the world we live in, whether it is making the front yard look nice or doing the dishes or whatever. Practicing alcoholics are not even thinking about that kind of stuff. All they can think of is where the next beer is coming from. Not someone I want influencing me and my life. If you knew how negatively that $hit affects you and could FEEL the alternative just for an hour, you would run like hell I assure you.

isurvived

I know of one case. The woman didn't stay with her AH, but they did get back together after about 6 years of being apart. She worked with my mother, and unknown to my mom, she'd sleep in her car many nights, parked along a street or in the parking lot of their place of employment. Her husband was a violent alcoholic. She was so ashamed, that she didn't even confide in my mom, and they worked next to each other for over 10 years. Eventually, she divorced him, and later moved away to another city.

Much to everyone's surprise, he got sober, worked the program with diligence, got his life straightened around. By accident, they bumped into each other after 6 years of no contact - at a service station in a city neither had ever been to... both stopped to get gas at the same time. (some of us would see this as fate?) They had coffee, and talked. About a year later, they were remarried. Happy ever after until he died some years later. But it ended happy. They were together again, he was sober and she was very proud of him.

ReadyToHelp

Boarder!

I'm about to post my success story involving my break up, so it's opposite of what you're looking for.

BUT, a few years ago, I felt the way you did, except at first I wasn't willing to admit my ABF, currently my Xabf, was like other A's. And I surely wasn't an enabler. Realizing we were the textbook definition of each was my first step.

The second biggest step is realizing that I couldn't save our relationship. I couldn't stop him from drinking. I couldn't make him see what it was doing. I couldn't do anything.

Of all the books I've read on the topic, each successfully recovered alcoholic has written (and said - I know a few, myself) that HE or SHE alone decided to stop drinking. Not one has ever said he/she stopped for family, love, spouses, friends, a job, a pet, or anything outside of him/herself. It was all inside. They all decided from the inside. There was no look, no love letter, no moment of truth that an outsider could be a part of. The decision came from within.

Heed the advice here. These wonderful people helped me get through the toughest time of my life. They know what they're talking about. And they throw in a lot of compassion, care and honesty. You've found a good place to be.

Ready.

SoloMio

What is success, anyway?

I have a friend who has been sober now for 14 years. He never married, but he does have a relationship with a woman he's been dating for a couple of years.

I have a cousin-in-law who divorced her AH when her kids were pretty small. Several years later (probably about 8-9) he had cleaned up his act and remarried the cousin-in-law. A year or two later he was out shoveling snow and he dropped dead of a heart attack. I think he was in his mid-40s.

My mother married a guy who was working his program when I was 12. This was a year after she had divorced my AF. He was an awesome stepfather who gave me fantastic adolescence and teen-aged years. But when I went to college he fell off the wagon, and my mother wound up divorcing him.

I don't know how you measure success. You could call any of those three examples a success in a way, even though none of them are "happily ever after" success stories. To me success is finding your way to love and peace and being able to share a bit of it, in spite of the cr-p that gets thrown in your way.

Pelican

I know a success story. Lois Wilson, wife of Bill W. (founder of AA), she was co-founder of Alanon 12 steps for friends and family of alcoholics.

Follow in her footsteps, maybe Alanon will help you succeed.

bookwyrm

Have you read through the stickied posts at the top of the forum? Have a look at these: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...s-stories.html

Maybe how you define 'success' needs to be looked at. You can't cure him. But you can work on you to stop enabling him so he feels the consequences of his addiction and to stop yourself becoming so damaged by living with an active alcoholic.

I stayed with XAH for 18 years - he too was 'functional'. I tried everything I could think of to get him to stop drinking and nothing worked. Then, it got much, much worse. If you can, have a read of the book 'Under the Influence' which will give you an idea of what to expect in the future if he doesn't decide to stop drinking.

KittyP

Tbf, Bill Wilson may have stopped drinking, but he treated Lois like crap for most of their marriage. He constantly cheated on her very publicly and even left part of his estate to his favourite mistress. He often humiliated her, put her down constantly and blamed her for his infidelities.

I don't think too many people would look at the reality of their marriage as a hopeful model for their own.

canuckch

Hi and welcome to SR boarderline.
I have been married to a very highly "functional" alcoholic for almost 8 years. Fact is that at the beginning of our relationship AH drank a lot more than he drinks now. But he still drinks and it still affects our relationship. He is a daily drinker and will have anywhere between 4 and 6 beers a night. If not for the very occasional shot of hard liquor at a friends house he has cut out all heavy liquor consumption years ago.
I "should" be at the stage where I "should" be able to accept him and his drinking easily and we "should" live happily ever after. Success, right?
But not so much and I have learned to erase the word "should" out of my vocabulary.

The nights AH does get tipsy/slightly drunk I still hurt. Reading books and going to Al-Anon has helped me to stop reacting and looking at it from a different angle. But seeing him no longer sober still hurts. But every time it hurts, it hurts a bit less. He is killing my love for him very slowly. And my pain it is now turning to disgust.

One more aspect of our marriage that kills me is the utter lack of intimacy. We never had the greatest sex life but he used to hold me and touch me all the time. Now I often feel like we are roommates. His years of alcohol abuse and my years of co-dependency have made us numb to a certain extent. He has a very low libido that could be from decades of drinking and smoking, or he is gay. Plus lately he is also having erectile dysfunction.

What I am trying to say is that drinking doesn't just come by itself. It doesn't matter how "functional" an alcoholic is. Have I mentioned I don't like the functional phrase?
It is what you want from your husband. If I would be happy to take what my AH is offering right now, this would be a success story. Are you getting what you want from your husband? Then yours is a success story.

We often blame to much of the things lacking in our marriages on alcohol.
And at the same time we don't acknowledge what is lacking. Alcoholism is so overpowering and if we stay focused on the drinking we already have our hands full. Somehow we all expect that when the drinking stops everything else will magically disappear or fall into their places. So we stick around, waiting for this to happen.
The reason so many here have left their AP is they got tired of sticking around, doing the same thing over and over, but expecting a different outcome.

E.t.a. Just reread my post and boy, that's all over the place. Do I get points for consistency?

lulu1974

The intimacy issue is common. We had it too and I talked to him about it even threw tantrums. He eventually went to a dr and got pills but he had no desire too so it never changed much. I am glad I walked away
Hugs
Lulu

lulu1974

I want to add the book under the influence desribes perfectly what happens to them. At 33 my stbxah is progressing according to the book. Anytime I think if him, I think of a mentally unstable person who really doesnt care who he hurts to get what he wants. His mind is of a 16 year old. He cant make practical decisions and all his decisions hurt him and others but he can no longer think straight and separate reality from his drinking world. I have a feeling he wont last very long and that makes me sad but I allow sadness for a few mins and then I focus back on me.

praiseHim

Mmm, I need to get that book.

praiseHim

I have a success story. My friend's husband was on drugs and drank and did things that really hurt her and their relationship. She tried to get him to stop and when she realized that he would have to do this and there was nothing she could do, she stopped all of her behaviors like alanon suggests. Her husband humbly admitted he had a problem, sought help right away, and went to AA and other got into the church for help. That was abotu 15 years ago or so. He is an awesome man of God, volunteers, has not gone back to drugs or alcohol, is an excellent husband and father. It is amazing. A total turn around. Their marriage is one that you look at now as an example to follow. It was truely a miracle. She says that it was all God. I don't think this is the norm. though.

canuckch

Yeah, we are on the pill stage as well. With their being no desire on his part I always wonder if it is just to appease me. Doesn't feel very good.
I am close to getting to that walk away stage as well. The planning has started. Thank you. Knowing somebody else has gone through the same really helps. Amazing how one can be starved to be touched.

TakingCharge999

As the poster that goes by LaTeeDa says, you got wishful thinking, then you got reality. Where do you want to live?

IMHO wishful thinking is PAINFUL, and frustrating. Reality sucks many times too but at least this is where you can get help, feel contact with human beings, God, enjoy the small things, realize there is beauty and your happiness matters, habitate the present, look forward to the future etc etc.

I also got a success story, my handy man- he was a drug addict, prostituted himself and did even worse thngs. Now he is very religious and volunteers and talks to people on the streets and travels with his religious group to save other addicts, and is a very decent person now.

But this does not have to do with you at all. I wouldn't be betting my whole life on someone with those problems to change for good, and never ever relapse again.

The stakes are too high and the chances are too small. After all when you die God won't ask "who did you try to save?" but "how did you use the talents and gifts I gave you?"

Well that is my belief anyway.

praiseHim

This has been a huge issue of tension in our marriage. Is the low drive caused by the alcohol itself, or is it because of emotions and lack of emotional intimacy, or both? I've been trying to understand this myself. I think ours has multiple issues.