Made a decision...
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 4
Made a decision...
thanks to those of you who responded to my first post. I thought i'd start a new one since I wasn't sure if you'd read the post to the old one.
Made a decision, looked up counselors and found one that specializes in addictions. Going to call on Monday to make an appointment. My H is DEFINITELY in denial...earlier this week I asked him to go with me to therapy which he readily agreed to. I told him that there were issues (predominately my anger and insecurities) that I wanted to deal with before the baby comes just as he has issues like alcohol that he needs to deal with. He promptly said that he does not have a problem with alcohol and does not want to be "labeled". he said he has an alcoholic mother and knows what that looks like and thats not him. Just because I've read a few articles on the Alanon website does not make me an expert. And he wouldn't want me "tainting" a therapist by exaggerating. He went on and on and made me feel like I'm the one with the problem. I had mentioned eariler that I want to see the therapist to teach me tools to deal with his drinking. He thought that was a good idea because he says I overreact.
I asked him if he realized that in the last 120 days he's spent 65 of those drinking. I've kept a calendar and asked him if he would like to see it. He was silent to that. I said "why don't you try to not drink for the next 30 days? 1 month?" His response: "You're on, I don't have a problem". That was Tuesday, its Saturday, he's drinking. I asked him "what happened, I thought you were not drinking for 30 days?" he said "I'm only going to have a couple of beers" too which I said "ok, your choice, you just told me you didn't have a problem staying away for 30 days, its day 4 and you've already blown it." Perhaps not the most mature response, I didn't get angry, just stated the fact and then changed the subject and asked a question about something else.
I've spent the rest of the afternoon/evening isolated in the spare bedroom reading...trying my hardest not to cry and scream and rage at the situation because I know its out of my control. Its just so frustrating because we did have a wonderful 4 days and morning this morning before he started drinking. I let myself hope...which was not the smartest thing to do. Most of the stories on here end with the couples ending in divorce, the whole thing is so depressing and with a baby on the way, beyond overwhelming thinking I'm starting someone else's life like this... or taking him/her away from its father. Every where I turn I feel like a bitch. Logically I know its not me, its him, I didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it... but somehow that is not making me feel better...
So off to therapy I go...with or without him I'm not sure yet... I still have to call over to the office and make an appointment, maybe they will have a suggestion....
Thanks... boarder
Made a decision, looked up counselors and found one that specializes in addictions. Going to call on Monday to make an appointment. My H is DEFINITELY in denial...earlier this week I asked him to go with me to therapy which he readily agreed to. I told him that there were issues (predominately my anger and insecurities) that I wanted to deal with before the baby comes just as he has issues like alcohol that he needs to deal with. He promptly said that he does not have a problem with alcohol and does not want to be "labeled". he said he has an alcoholic mother and knows what that looks like and thats not him. Just because I've read a few articles on the Alanon website does not make me an expert. And he wouldn't want me "tainting" a therapist by exaggerating. He went on and on and made me feel like I'm the one with the problem. I had mentioned eariler that I want to see the therapist to teach me tools to deal with his drinking. He thought that was a good idea because he says I overreact.
I asked him if he realized that in the last 120 days he's spent 65 of those drinking. I've kept a calendar and asked him if he would like to see it. He was silent to that. I said "why don't you try to not drink for the next 30 days? 1 month?" His response: "You're on, I don't have a problem". That was Tuesday, its Saturday, he's drinking. I asked him "what happened, I thought you were not drinking for 30 days?" he said "I'm only going to have a couple of beers" too which I said "ok, your choice, you just told me you didn't have a problem staying away for 30 days, its day 4 and you've already blown it." Perhaps not the most mature response, I didn't get angry, just stated the fact and then changed the subject and asked a question about something else.
I've spent the rest of the afternoon/evening isolated in the spare bedroom reading...trying my hardest not to cry and scream and rage at the situation because I know its out of my control. Its just so frustrating because we did have a wonderful 4 days and morning this morning before he started drinking. I let myself hope...which was not the smartest thing to do. Most of the stories on here end with the couples ending in divorce, the whole thing is so depressing and with a baby on the way, beyond overwhelming thinking I'm starting someone else's life like this... or taking him/her away from its father. Every where I turn I feel like a bitch. Logically I know its not me, its him, I didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it... but somehow that is not making me feel better...
So off to therapy I go...with or without him I'm not sure yet... I still have to call over to the office and make an appointment, maybe they will have a suggestion....
Thanks... boarder
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Hi boarder. Thanks for sharing. I am glad you have decided to get some therapy because we ALL need help when dealing with the sort of insanity I know you are dealing with. I hope you also decide to give Al-Anon a try.
You are on a journey boarder, and as you continue on it, hopefully you will go to the right places to learn what you need to learn about yourself and how and why you wound up married with children with an alcoholic. So, I won't try to push you to see what I have learned on my journey. But, I will tell you that I have felt all these things you have described, in more than one relationship. I too was angry, insecure, no tools to deal with that situation, isolated myself, crying, screaming, raging and trying not to cry, scream, and rage, depressed, overwhelmed, feeling like a bitch, not knowing how to feel better, etc etc.
What I found was that once I got myself RELIEVED of the alcoholic addict, I was better able to focus on ME. And once I was able to focus on me, I was able to do the work I needed to do to grow myself. And soon, all that started to snowball, to the point where I could stand on my own two feet without ANYONE holding me up, and I was able to find my peace and my serenity.
So, I wish a bumpy journey for you, in which your eyes are opened and you learn all about yourself and all that you are truly capable of. :day6
I told him that there were issues (predominately my anger and insecurities) that I wanted to deal with before the baby comes just as he has issues like alcohol that he needs to deal with...I want to see the therapist to teach me tools to deal with his drinking. He thought that was a good idea because he says I overreact... I've spent the rest of the afternoon/evening isolated in the spare bedroom reading...trying my hardest not to cry and scream and rage at the situation because I know its out of my control.
...the whole thing is so depressing and with a baby on the way, beyond overwhelming thinking I'm starting someone else's life like this... or taking him/her away from its father. Every where I turn I feel like a bitch. Logically I know its not me, its him, I didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it... but somehow that is not making me feel better...
So off to therapy I go...
...the whole thing is so depressing and with a baby on the way, beyond overwhelming thinking I'm starting someone else's life like this... or taking him/her away from its father. Every where I turn I feel like a bitch. Logically I know its not me, its him, I didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it... but somehow that is not making me feel better...
So off to therapy I go...
What I found was that once I got myself RELIEVED of the alcoholic addict, I was better able to focus on ME. And once I was able to focus on me, I was able to do the work I needed to do to grow myself. And soon, all that started to snowball, to the point where I could stand on my own two feet without ANYONE holding me up, and I was able to find my peace and my serenity.
So, I wish a bumpy journey for you, in which your eyes are opened and you learn all about yourself and all that you are truly capable of. :day6
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Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Where the sun always shines!
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I did the "i bet you can't not drink for 30 days" thing too...with the same results. And I was fortunate to enjoy wonderful moments with him between the days that my exAH was drinking. I felt like I was dealing with Dr. Jekel and Mr. Hyde. You had said that he is in denial, but what will hurt you in the long run is trying to convince him of that. Most alcoholics will only realize they have a problem when they are ready and there is absolutely nothing anyone else can say or do to change that. It is very heartbreaking 
The way I see it is you have two choices, learn to accept him for who he is and following the Alanon 12 step program so you can focus on YOU and not him or make the decision to love him from a distance. The choice is yours to make. Your relationship does not have to end in divorce....but you will HAVE to accept him for who he is and allow him to live his life as he chooses.
I would definately do the therapy thing....for you! I use to get so mad at our counselor b/c I expected her to tell him that everything he was doing was wrong and hurting me and I was salty as heck when he walked out of there smelling like a rose. NOW I know why....b/c I was trying to control everything. My exAH just wanted to live his life his way and I kept trying to get in the way of that....only I was too caught up in "this is how it should be" to see how wrong I was. I can now see how exhausted I was trying to convince him otherwise.
The way I see it is you have two choices, learn to accept him for who he is and following the Alanon 12 step program so you can focus on YOU and not him or make the decision to love him from a distance. The choice is yours to make. Your relationship does not have to end in divorce....but you will HAVE to accept him for who he is and allow him to live his life as he chooses.
I would definately do the therapy thing....for you! I use to get so mad at our counselor b/c I expected her to tell him that everything he was doing was wrong and hurting me and I was salty as heck when he walked out of there smelling like a rose. NOW I know why....b/c I was trying to control everything. My exAH just wanted to live his life his way and I kept trying to get in the way of that....only I was too caught up in "this is how it should be" to see how wrong I was. I can now see how exhausted I was trying to convince him otherwise.
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 4
thanks Learn-- totally on a journey... a scary one but one I'm ready to take.
Jessica- totally get what you are saying about the therapy thing. I am going to do it for me. Its certain that I'm going to go, what's uncertain is if H is going to go. He agreed when he thought it was just to deal with my issues. At this point, not sure if its necessary for him to come with, if he's just there to "help" me tolerate his drinking. I'm not sure I need him there? Time will tell...
Jessica- totally get what you are saying about the therapy thing. I am going to do it for me. Its certain that I'm going to go, what's uncertain is if H is going to go. He agreed when he thought it was just to deal with my issues. At this point, not sure if its necessary for him to come with, if he's just there to "help" me tolerate his drinking. I'm not sure I need him there? Time will tell...
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
borderline, therapists rule, its great you are going! let us know how it goes.
Also if it comes down to a separation, remember it is not you that is separating your child from his or her father. It is this man that is not able to be an actual father-partner-person-productive member of society, that is prompting you to make the next smart move for your and your little one's sanity. You deserve joy and calm especially at this time!
Also if it comes down to a separation, remember it is not you that is separating your child from his or her father. It is this man that is not able to be an actual father-partner-person-productive member of society, that is prompting you to make the next smart move for your and your little one's sanity. You deserve joy and calm especially at this time!
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Join Date: Jun 2009
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Posts: 148
Sounds like you are making some good decisions for yourself to work on you. I've been where you are and it is not a fun place. Going to alanon, coming here and going to counseling has really helped me find peace and let go of things I shouldn't be controlling.
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