Bamboozle

I've been struggling a lot lately. The depression does what it wants when it wants.

I'm feeling really good today, though...and I'm super sensitive emotional! It's weird...I'm happy...but I start crying about things that matter to me.

Like my niece. I want to stay sober for her. I don't want to be the one that skews her world view. She's so very happy...I want her to stay that way.

I've been thinking a lot, too. About how terrible it feels when the brain doesn't wish to cooperate...when the brain wants you to destroy yourself.

If you are struggling you are normal. You're not doing it wrong. Don't give up...don't give in.

There are days that the last thing I want to do is stay sober...but stay sober I do.

Drinking/using becomes as natural as breathing for us. When you do something for a long time it takes a while to train your brain to leave it behind. Feeling like crap...feeling like using isn't bad. Just remember that you have a choice. You don't have to act on it.

When I'm too weak to make it alone I frequent SR. This place keeps me sober.

If you need help reach out. Go to a meeting. Pick up the phone. Hang out at SR. Don't isolate...no matter how much your brain is pulling you away from others.

Toronto68

Bam, this may not be a question for now, but I was thinking about this the other day.

With the understanding that we take us with us wherever we go (it's not a magic solution to move), what do you think about where you live, wherever that is. You were saying there are reasons you don't fit in there per se. Do you think you would stay there or would you work toward eventually going somewhere else? Or is it a TBD? (To be determined)

Kmber2010

Thanks for sharing Bam!! Good post and very true.

Here is too another great day!

Bamboozle

Oh, Toronto, I'll be moving out of here as soon as I can.




Moving isn't 'the' solution, of course, but a change in environment would be the best for me. I want to live somewhere I can just be me and not have to worry about being fired for simply being me. I want to live where people don't whisper about 'teh gays'.

I want to live in a far less conservative environment.

My home area is a bad fit for me.

24hrsAday

Thanks For Sharing Bam..

NEOMARXIST

Good post Bam.

I think at times the impression is given off that peoplpe who are struggling are simply struggling because they aren't doing recovery the right way. I remember feeling dissilusioned about these type of feelings and sentiments. I think the people who openly share their struggles are to be commended. Others can learn from them and you help others also who are struggling.

It would be easy to only post when it's great and to give off the impression that it's all wonderful and there is no struggle or effort. But I think this is probably far, far away from the reality and those that are open are probably doing better than they credit themselves for.

Keep The Faith. peace.

24hrsAday

No.. i Never Struggle Cause i Work The Steps Perfectly!

loveon2legs

Hi Bam...thanks for your post..((BIG HUGS)) I have my days too...where I just feel like saying "screw it" I'm done with this sober stuff....then I just calm myself down..it usually happens when I'm totally stressed...Im learning alot about surrending....it's helping alot...
Wishing you brighter days ahead Bam... xo

Toronto68

Ok

Anna

Hi Bam,

I am really glad to hear you are moving and I DO think it will help you to be in a different environment. Moving is not 'the answer' but I really think it will be a positive thing for you.

I am so glad that you are reaching out here.

Dee74

thanks (((Bam)))
I'm excited about you moving too - hope it happens soonish

D

Hevyn

Bam (& Neo) - You really made me think. I tend to post only sunshine & rainbow stuff. Yet it's more helpful to post about the confusing times too. Thanks for the thought provoking post. Wishing you well when you do move, Bam - that'll be a happy day.

vegibean

Bam, I'm totally behind you all the way!! I had just posted in another thread about how important it was for my sobriety for me to have a place where I felt safe and stay away from things that were really disturbing at that time for me. Totally different situations, but the same feelings, and it was very, very important to me and looking back it was the best thing I did for myself, and it was a great way for me to "protect" myself.

I have two gay girl friends who I love, love love!! I was in treatment with them two years ago so I've heard their stories and what their feelings are, and what they dealt with in the past as for their diversity from the closest people in their lives and how others thoughts and opinions really devastated their own "being". Some of their stories were truly sad to hear, and there's nothing wrong with either one of them other than what they heard most of their lives from others and THEIR views on homosexuality.

Bam, you'll be ok. Keep doing what you're doing. I know you're still struggling, but I am truly hoping that some changes will help turn things around for you spiritually.

Bamboozle

About the moving thing...


I will move as soon as I can, but realistically that might not be for a little while.

I is poor.

It's all good, though.

vegibean

One step at a time Girl! The good thing always for me was at least having that plan and knowing that I was working on it. It seemed to help take a little of stress off. You'll get there, I know it!