Krys

So things with my ABF have been quieter for a while. He's working steadily, I helped him come up with a financial plan and he using it to save for our future, he is actually BEHIND on his prescription anxiety meds (he has an extra 2 weeks worth left.) I should probably explain that...He has me hold his meds which at first was tough (I almost told him I didn't want to hold them at first) because he would ask for "just one extra in case of an attack" which would cause an argument. He has stopped that in the last two weeks and is taking less than he is prescribed most days (he is prescribed Klonopin 3x's a day) because he has been trying different non medicated ways of dealing with the anxiety. He still smokes weed which drives me nuts, but it seems to be his way to wean himself off things one at a time. I have backed off completely (no more snooping, checking in with him, or pointing out what he is doing wrong or giving advice) and am living a much more sane life. I let him come to me if he needs support and this arrangement has been working well for us. I have seen a marked improvement in his way of thinking...mainly that he is actually thinking things through now that I stopped thinking for him. He is not recovered by my standards, I consider recovered to be NO drugs including weed, and sticking with therapy (which he hasn't been since his therapist cannot see him during the hours he is available)to find ways to deal with the addiction. The addiction (or his addict as I like to call it) has been quiet but I worry that since he has not had a lot of therapy or gained more tools to battle it effectively, it can sneak up again during a weak moment. He is a bit cocky and thinks he learned his lesson. He is on some sort of recovery path though, he cut himself off from the crappy addict friend of his, is talking positively about our future, and is making more responsible decisions. My problem is that since we got sane around here and things with him got healthier I started really wondering if after all of this if I am still in love with him. I should add I have been working on myself (codie tendencies) as well. Is it normal to resent him on some level? I find myself wondering if he is really "the one" for me which scares me because I would not be surprised if he pops the question in the next 12 months. It all snuck up on me, one minute I was proud of him and feeling good and the next I was like "Who the heck are you? Where am I? How did I get here?" Has anyone else experienced this or am I going nuts?

outtolunch

I believe Klonopin is in the benzo family and highly addictive. Between that and his weed, it does not sound like he is serious about recovery. That's OK. It's his life, addiction and recovery.

Only you can decide what you want out of your life. If that includes playing medication warden for someone with one foot firmly planted in addiction, that's your choice and all choices have consequences.

Nerdgirl

Klonipin is a benzo, for certain. Being on Klonipin and smoking pot doesn't sound like recovery to me. You might want to listen to you inner voice. The one that wondered if you should be taking care of yourself...

Beantowngirl

I have experienced something similar, during my last stint with my ex there was a period of time with intense chaos and drama and it was really all I could do to just put my head down and power through it. After things settled down was when I had a little more head space to contemplate the questions that had probably been in the back of my head all along.

wishiknew

You are not going nuts. I had similar feelings and wish I would have trusted my gut early on. IMHO if you have any doubt don't rush into anything. For me..... the resentment just continued to build and I was constantly questioning my feelings. It was an emotional rollercoaster I hope to never ride again. I only got relief when we seperated.

Flippingyrl

I am going through a similar situation right now. I have times where I question things. I think it is a healthy reaction. He has put you through so much and you have stuck by him. In turn, IMO there is going to be a sense of resentment toward him and wondering. During all the chaos, you didn't give yourself time to really think about things. Once things calmed down, you had the time to really think about what was going on.

Krys

Thanks guys. The Klonopin is for an anxiety disorder. His jackass psychiatrist gave it to him AFTER her told her he is an addict. She's an ass. I agree he has one foot still in the addiction. His plan to wean off the Klonopin is working, but only because I have them. I really believe he is trying, and would be a lot further along if he could find a therapist that could take him on during the hours he is available. I think some of these doubts and questions would not be surfacing as much if that piece of the puzzle were in place. The weed is going bye bye (at least that's what he says). He has not bought any in the last week which is great, but you are right, I do not feel like this little bit of recovery is enough for ME. I am constantly reminded that ant any point he could get laid off again and then we could be right back in the addiction again. He does not have the tools to fight it in a weak moment. He says "I feel good I am back to work." What happens when he is out of work? He says he will be fine, I think otherwise. I can't make him do anything he doesn't want to do, but I have told him if he does not take recovery seriously I have given myself a time limit. Ugh. I hate this. :-((