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so where do i go with this?

Old 06-04-2010, 03:16 PM
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so where do i go with this?

well, I have worked since i was 14 yrs old (well, doing family work really until I was 17- and it wasnt ridiculous, just chores i guess). I like to work. It makes me feel good, and i truly enjoy it most of the time, especially when i was not struggling with alcohol. But even then some.
I have a problem- on top of a problem....my 19 yr old daughter has stolen 1000 dollars from my wife's atm- who was nice enough to let her have lunch with friends last weekend- we just found out she used the card to get the cash- and disappeared for 4 days (you can't bs me- I know the crowd, see 'em every day. My wife is a huge sweetheart but she is seeing the light now. She thought I made a mistake (we have separate bank accounts for no other reason than to manage finances.)
Well- life isnt easy.. Sorry for being long..
First-
when I was a kid, when you get old enough to work you did- if you didn't fine, you're a mature adult and that is totally ok- I have friends that dont' and I am very cool with that. But dont expect others to carry your load.

Maybe I should blog this. I will keep it short. not possible at this point...
My theory is- kids (loosely used- up to 19 or so) need to get off of their asses and see the world, and work, and get the money to do that. You don't steal it. You earn it. I certainly did. Thats off my chest- I am going riding my harley and look at the beautiful things in this world- not bars by the way- not even stopping just going to the ocean.

I could explode right now- but my spiritual side is telling me to settle down and deal with the situation...the ocean does that for me.
Love you all

Sorry about the long post.
Just have Friends here.
Dub
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Old 06-04-2010, 03:21 PM
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Sorry for your family troubles Dub - I have no advice, not being a parent, but I figure at least sober you're in the best place to work through them now.

D
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Old 06-04-2010, 03:21 PM
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Thanks for posting Dub. On a side note, I was happy to see your post b/c I thought maybe I was a bit short with you on an earlier post (weeks ago). I'm sorry about that.

Now back to your post - I like the positive way of handling this.

...and I'm with you. I'm 33 now and I started working at the age of 14 (in middle school). I see a lot of "kids" who don't work at all. I just don't get it either. At least get a credit card and rack up debt for your drugs and alcohol like I did

Keep the faith and you don't need to drink over this. We are here to help my man.
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Old 06-04-2010, 04:05 PM
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Dub, I am *old-school* too.....get off your A$$ and get a job...steal $$ from your mother???? no way, no how!...my daughter was 26 and i told her in no uncertain terms..."you are off my payroll"!

my daughter stole $$ from me too....got a cash advance on one credit card I allowed her to use for school...then she changed the address on the card, so I did not get the bills....SIX THOUSAND dollars later, she tells me she can't pay it.....OY!!! I could have danced on her head...I paid the bill, removed myself from her finances and let her flounder.....I could go on for 20 paragraphs, but I do not let it bother me anymore, my locks are changed and she knows there is no way I will finance her.

I hope you and your wife nip this behavior and it is a one time incident....I think taking a firm stand on driving home integrity is something man of our kids don't understand.....they live off of our hard work.

good luck, it ain't easy!
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Old 06-04-2010, 04:38 PM
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I'm 40 and have been working a since I was a kid, babysitting and such, and when I was legally able at the age of 14, I got a "real job". I have always had chores to do, and quite frankly, I hated my dad for making us work so hard, but looking back, it was good for us. There is no reason why children should get used to the idea that work is never done. There should be time to enjoy, ABSOLUTELY!!!!! However, they can help with the work too. After all, and I know we've probably heard it from our parents, but I put the "roof over our heads, the food on the table and pay the water, cable and electric." It's not going to hurt my son to help around the house, and if he wants something "extra,well then that takes extra work as well.

He was recently suspended from school, his consequences? Work.

I'm sorry that this has gone on in your home and I hope you and your wife come to some good resolutions with your daughter.
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Old 06-04-2010, 05:03 PM
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thanks Friends
well my wife is sugar coating the whole thing- its only money (like 1000). She has always protected her kids (they are all ours). just tried to have a conversation with my daughter that i would help her, i asked her to go to a nice rehab place and i would pay all of it, she walked out screaming - she's told us she is taking suboxone (oxy a year ago- i don't know what to believe.) I don't touch the stuff- have seen so many friends spiral down from that, two of them died that i was good friends with- and it hurts my heart to see my wonderful daughter on this.
Going to the backyard- my wife just slammed the door because i was putting the facts on the table.....(literally). she didn't leave- she (wife) is a sweetheart but in my opinion she counteracts all of the discipline i try to instill in the home....
oh well-
best thing now is to crank up my mesa boogie and play guitar. that usually mellows me out.
sorry for bringing you all into this. Always like to leave on a positive note- the world is beautiful, i hope God will keep that thought in my mind....
Dub
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Old 06-04-2010, 06:35 PM
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Dub,

It's not uncommon for parents to have different ways of parenting their children, but I hope that you and your wife can work together on this. It must be very hard to watch your daughter going down and stealing money from you. I agree totally that kids should work in high school and earn spending money. But, the problem with your daughter is bigger than that. I hope she will find the help she needs to live a sober life.
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Old 06-04-2010, 09:59 PM
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Hey Dub......here are my thoughts.

1. Man, I can't believe how awesome it is to see you posting sober. Its like a new strong you and I love it!!

2. Blogging is so therapeutic so go for it. Helps us clear our minds.

3. 100% agree that kids need to be accountable for their actions - cause and effect. I was working full time by 18 and paid "board" to live at home. A set amount came out of my pay. Will I do that if I have kids? I give them a few choices. Go to college, go into the military or get a job and earn your keep. That simple. No mooching or bumming around.

4. I am sorry to hear about your daughter and the $$$ situation. Many times one parent sugar coats a child's actions - My mom did it and I see parents of my students over the years do it. Truth is....these problems can be nipped in the bud if addressed early on. You and your wife will need to do some sitting down and talking about this but your daughter needs some help. If what she says is true then getting her into a program is a good start. Sounds like maybe some counseling may be in order as well.

5. I am so proud at how you are handling things sober and finding positive outlets like riding the harley, etc. Regardless of what is going on at home or around you......your focus must be on your recovery. If we aren't well and in the right place......then we can't help anyone else....that is for sure. I am so glad how you are leading by example and you have lots to pull from with handling your daughters situation.

Good stuff man.....keep posting!!
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Old 06-04-2010, 10:02 PM
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..kudos...ozy...
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Old 06-04-2010, 10:38 PM
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(((Dubs)))

I don't have kids but I did watch my mother enable and financially support my drug using sibs. I can understand that your wife may not be fully able to grasp the situation, not being an addict herself. Tough situation!

I think I told you about a really cool AA meeting on the beach at the foot of Rose Street in Venice on Sunday mornings. You might check it out. I think it starts at 8:00 am and may give you a good start for your Sunday! There's another pretty good meeting at the King's Head on Second Street in Santa Monica, at 10:00 am. You have to take care of yourself first. This isn't selfish, it's self-care.

As you know, your daughter will be ready for recovery when she's ready. What made you want recovery? Something to think about?

As always, my friend, it's so good to see you!

Much love,

Lenina
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Old 06-04-2010, 11:01 PM
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I had my first job when I was 12, on the weekends and holidays. i´m 26 now. I worked every weekend and holiday ever since. In college I had two jobs, and I was working between three and five days a week. When I was 23 I started working full-time.

My sister however never had a job till now, she´s 27. She´s still in school, after her first degree she went for another. Last year with christmas she got angry (!!!) at my father because he did not wanted to pay 50.000 dollars to her so she could not go study in America for a year or so.

My parents told me, either you study hard and get good grades, or you get a job and you work hard. My sister chose the first, I chose the second since I never hav, e been able to concentrate long on studying. Still I got a college degree. My sister has had tens of thousands of euro´s throughout the years. They never gave me anything.

Sometimes I feel bitter about this, cause it´s really unfair, but most of the times i´m proud, because my sister has become kinda a stuck up snob, who looks down on the average joe the plummer, and mocks their salaries. I shake joe´s hand and offer him some coffee when he comes in and fixes my broken stuff.

Our societys are build on average people.

Anyways, I would horrifed to find out my kid stole a lot of money from me. I would go for a slow but steady financial lockdown (so my kid would have some room to breathe), and never pay a penny again, at least for a few years.

It´s good to learn the value of money by a hard days of work.

My grandfather would be proud of me when he heard this...
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