KittyP

I told my husband to leave during the week. I told him that if he was to come home drunk again he would have to move out until he showed consistent sobriety and he came home drunk so I had to stand firm and ask him to go. He swore he'd stop drinking and asked if we could meet for dinner last night so he could show me that he was sober and was committed to starting recovery for real. So I agreed to that.

At the time he called me I was already in town meeting a friend and I was wearing a really pretty, flattering dress. I looked really good, I'd gotten lots of compliments and admiring glances all day. Then I met my husband and when I looked at him critically I was appalled.

He looked awful, his skin is grey, his eyes sunk into his head. He has a very bloated look that makes his chin and neck remind me of a toad. He was wearing a shirt that was too small for his big beer belly and burgeoning man-boobs. He was haggard and looked much older than 33. He looked like a zombie. Also he was pretty drunk so he was stumbling about, slurring his words, generally behaving in a way that made my skin crawl when he tried to hug me.

I really feel disgusted by him and catching sight of the two of us in a shop window really made me wonder what the hell I'm doing giving this member of the undead any of my time when I could be living a nice life without him. The thing is, if I hadn't been having such a 'pretty day' myself I don't know if the contrast would have hit me so hard.

puckettcg

I feel the same way about my AH. Mine doesn't have the beer-belly, at 45 he's always been a heavy beer-drinking but in the last two years switched to vodka, but never developed the beer belly. But, the vodka seems to have had the opposite effect - he's lost a lot of weight, he stinks, and just generally looks haggard. It is disgusting - and they wonder why we won't have sex with them.

gerryP

Kitty,

I believe you had an epiphany. Shallow? No.

PieRat

I agree with gerryp!

Pelican

.

He has been out of the house for less than a week, right?
How was he going to show you real sobriety and a real committment to recovery in less than a week?

For your serenity, try to come up with a realistic time frame of sobriety/recovery. example: 30 days of sobriety that includes counseling, AA or some other form of recovery work.

I don't think you are shallow. I think that finally removing the alcoholic from your personal space allowed you to receive some serenity.

Also, by removing the active alcoholic from your personal space, you removed the blinders that kept you in denial about how much he has spiraled downward. You just had a dose of reality as to how much alcoholism has affected his personal appearance.

posiesperson

Good morning Kitty,

I agree with the others. You are shining forth and he is making his own choices, which apparently include resembling a toad. I know there is grief in this...we who see the endless possibilities and who they COULD be. But they're not, because it's boils down to this: His life, his choices. Your life, YOUR choices.

Shine On, KittyP,
posie

nodaybut2day

Um, yah, I felt the same way about XAH for a long while...I was no supermodel, but I did take pride in my appearance, whereas slowly but surely, XAH let himself go, telling me all the while that if I loved him, I'd just have to accept him as he was--namely, stinking, prickly, tripping about, shaking, bloodshot, wild-looking, etc. Eventually, I felt like our diverging outward appearance was a reflection of our inner differences: he wore his growing inner decrepitude as a sort of strange badge of honor, while I wanted to finally let my sense of health and well-being finally shine through.

puckettcg

On the plus side - I'm a slightly greying middle-aged woman who could stand to lose a little weight. But, the more he's let his appearance and health go, the more energy I've put into myself. I'm losing weight, getting in shape, and generally feeling better and more confident about myself. I don't need him - he brings me down.

KittyP

I didn't want to see him last night at all and I told him so. But he was with his dad and I felt under a huge amount of pressure to at least meet him for an hour.

I don't know if it's my real feelings or if I've gone a bit numb but I sort of don't care about him at all. I wish he would just disappear. I don't want to hear his excuses, his 'explanations,' his plans for how he will get sober, I'm not sure I care if he even gets sober. I just want to chill out, walk my dogs and devote my energy to my writing and campaign work. I don't want any of this drama anymore.

JessicaNAJ

not shallow at all! You go girl

Learn2Live

You don't sound shallow to me. You sound ready to move on. Congratulations and more power to ya'.

coffeedrinker

Kitty,

Great to feel healthy and empowered, isn't it?
I was gonna give you a mini-lecture about "actions speak louder than words" (you told him you didn't wanna meet him, and then did) but I think you are on the right track.

What could this guy, or someone like him, possibly be thinking? He's gonna prove his sobriety to you by showing up intoxicated? Blows me away.

I think there is a healthy amount of vanity that translates into caring about oneself, and an unhealthy amount, which is that you are not really good enough and you compensate by always looking good, or right. You probably got the "good" kind.

And Pelican -- right on.

Jadmack25

Well, you now know what he considers as sober....duh.

If you feel strongly that he is not the man you want near you, then my dear you let him know it also. Feeling so repulsed and turned off, by what you saw, smelled and felt was not being shallow.....it was being real. It was seeing your once Prince..turn into a Toad. Tell him that.

Thinking about it makes my skin crawl.

God bless