Long term depression and acaos
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: NJ
Posts: 197
Long term depression and acaos
I have been depressed forever it seems like - it seems to be my default state and has been since I was a child. I was wondering if this was common in acoas.
I used to think something was wrong with me, now I am attributing it to the fact I grew up in a battle zone and was continually under stress with no means to fight it or flee from it.
I did have happy times but these were few - what I remember more clearly is the extremes - the sky highs and the crashing lows.
When my doctor first prescribed anti-depressants 11 years ago, I remember the absolute amazement "was this what normal people felt like". I wasn't up, I wasn't down I was just balanced - it was lovely.
Over the years I have on several occasions tried to come off anti-d's but have always reverted to my default state even if there is absolutely no reason to feel depressed. This has happened even if I have been living a healthy lifestyle - taking exercise, eating healthily, no alcohol / drugs, sleeping well, etc
Over the past year, despite fighting it, my depression has yet again "broken through" the anti-ds and my healthy lifestyle. I know why, it is because of my son's diagnosis of Autism and the massive impact that has had on our family life. We are still coming to terms with the changes this has effected. Knowing why doesn't help.
In the middle of this I am feeling continually low, sad, tearful, exhausted, no energy, no motivation, no enthusiasm. I wake up (if I can wake up) in the morning (after 8+ hours of deep sleep) and feel dread because I don't want to drag myself through another day. I feel as if I haven't been asleep. I have to keep moving because otherwise I fall asleep. I sit down and immediately my head droops and my eyes close.
Has anyone experienced this? Any thoughts... any suggestions...
Many thanks, IWTHxxx
I used to think something was wrong with me, now I am attributing it to the fact I grew up in a battle zone and was continually under stress with no means to fight it or flee from it.
I did have happy times but these were few - what I remember more clearly is the extremes - the sky highs and the crashing lows.
When my doctor first prescribed anti-depressants 11 years ago, I remember the absolute amazement "was this what normal people felt like". I wasn't up, I wasn't down I was just balanced - it was lovely.
Over the years I have on several occasions tried to come off anti-d's but have always reverted to my default state even if there is absolutely no reason to feel depressed. This has happened even if I have been living a healthy lifestyle - taking exercise, eating healthily, no alcohol / drugs, sleeping well, etc
Over the past year, despite fighting it, my depression has yet again "broken through" the anti-ds and my healthy lifestyle. I know why, it is because of my son's diagnosis of Autism and the massive impact that has had on our family life. We are still coming to terms with the changes this has effected. Knowing why doesn't help.
In the middle of this I am feeling continually low, sad, tearful, exhausted, no energy, no motivation, no enthusiasm. I wake up (if I can wake up) in the morning (after 8+ hours of deep sleep) and feel dread because I don't want to drag myself through another day. I feel as if I haven't been asleep. I have to keep moving because otherwise I fall asleep. I sit down and immediately my head droops and my eyes close.
Has anyone experienced this? Any thoughts... any suggestions...
Many thanks, IWTHxxx
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 688
((((IWTH))))
In looking back, yes, I was depressed through high school, to the point of considering suicide several times. What kept me going was my plan for the future.
In recent years, I've discovered my husband is a world-class liar and cheater, and have once again been in the place you're in, probably for a year and a half or two straight. I read a book saying if you're close to God, count your blessings, and forgive everyone, you will no longer be depressed. There are plenty of others who say it's all chemical, a genuine illness. I make no claim to know the truth. (Although the book made me feel ten times worse, as if I now had to accept blame for being depressed, too, on top of all the things my family and husband have always told me are my fault.)
But what did help me bit by bit was:
Al-anon and doing the readings. It really helped me realize my situation doesn't have to make me unhappy, that I can't control his behavior, that I can just let go and do what I'm going to do each day, anyway.
42things.com. It really helped me think about what was important to me (ie, what WAS I going to do each day, now that I was done trying to fix an irreparable marriage and man). Once I started thinking about what mattered to me, what I wanted to show for my days on earth at the end, having the list gave me a focus, and I started doing those things. I wrote. I played my harp more. I started taking trips I'd always wanted to make.
Actively counting my blessings For awhile, I kept a daily list on 42things.com
Getting out. I joined a writers' group and made new friends outside husband and family, and it's amazing to find there's a sane world of joyful people out there who like me!
Recommitting myself to the most important relationships in my life, God and children. I made a greater effort to get back to nighttime stories and family prayer at night, and take the kids to museums and parks now and again, to read the Bible (still not too good at that unfortunately) and pray more.
I'd say it's been 3-1/2 to 4 years since I started doing these things. The first 18 months were still pretty rough. But bit by bit, the balance of happpiness shifted.
I offer these, knowing that you are dealing with long-term medical problems on top of still regularly seeing your toxic mother, if I remember. I hope if you're able to do any of them, they'll help, but I would also say, cut yourself some slack. There is also situational depression, and you're dealing with a lot right now. If you're hard on yourself about the fact that you're depressed, it will only get worse. At a certain point, I began to understand the concept of be your own friend. None of us would ever go to a friend in your situation and be critical of them for feeling down. But we'd be critical of ourselves for it. Treat yourself as you would treat a friend.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
In looking back, yes, I was depressed through high school, to the point of considering suicide several times. What kept me going was my plan for the future.
In recent years, I've discovered my husband is a world-class liar and cheater, and have once again been in the place you're in, probably for a year and a half or two straight. I read a book saying if you're close to God, count your blessings, and forgive everyone, you will no longer be depressed. There are plenty of others who say it's all chemical, a genuine illness. I make no claim to know the truth. (Although the book made me feel ten times worse, as if I now had to accept blame for being depressed, too, on top of all the things my family and husband have always told me are my fault.)
But what did help me bit by bit was:
Al-anon and doing the readings. It really helped me realize my situation doesn't have to make me unhappy, that I can't control his behavior, that I can just let go and do what I'm going to do each day, anyway.
42things.com. It really helped me think about what was important to me (ie, what WAS I going to do each day, now that I was done trying to fix an irreparable marriage and man). Once I started thinking about what mattered to me, what I wanted to show for my days on earth at the end, having the list gave me a focus, and I started doing those things. I wrote. I played my harp more. I started taking trips I'd always wanted to make.
Actively counting my blessings For awhile, I kept a daily list on 42things.com
Getting out. I joined a writers' group and made new friends outside husband and family, and it's amazing to find there's a sane world of joyful people out there who like me!
Recommitting myself to the most important relationships in my life, God and children. I made a greater effort to get back to nighttime stories and family prayer at night, and take the kids to museums and parks now and again, to read the Bible (still not too good at that unfortunately) and pray more.
I'd say it's been 3-1/2 to 4 years since I started doing these things. The first 18 months were still pretty rough. But bit by bit, the balance of happpiness shifted.
I offer these, knowing that you are dealing with long-term medical problems on top of still regularly seeing your toxic mother, if I remember. I hope if you're able to do any of them, they'll help, but I would also say, cut yourself some slack. There is also situational depression, and you're dealing with a lot right now. If you're hard on yourself about the fact that you're depressed, it will only get worse. At a certain point, I began to understand the concept of be your own friend. None of us would ever go to a friend in your situation and be critical of them for feeling down. But we'd be critical of ourselves for it. Treat yourself as you would treat a friend.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Back East
Posts: 704
Originally Posted by EveningRose 
I read a book saying if you're close to God, count your blessings, and forgive everyone, you will no longer be depressed.
Somewhere around 1970 or so, my Mom's shrink put her on lithium -- it was coming into wide use at that time, as a mood stabilizer.
For her, it was like flipping a switch -- Before Lithium: Crazy. With Lithium: Sane and Highly Functional. She became a capable mother, deputy head of household, and productive member of the workforce, for the first time in years. In 1980 or so, she went to Harvard as a grad student (the Kennedy School -- one of their most rigorous programs), earning a master's in 1983. After that, she continued to be stable and functional... until late in her life, when she... [drumroll] stopped taking lithium!
The rest of it is a long, sad story that I've already told you guys a lot about. But the attitude that "God will solve all your problems, and if you pray enough times a day, your mental illness will clear up," is just wrong, just as it's wrong to say that if you have acute appendicitis or are bleeding in buckets as a result of multiple gunshot wounds, you should just trust in the Lord, and you'll be healed, no medical help needed.
Brain chemistry is real, and it can go haywire quite easily. That isn't to say we should all go on happy pills and everything will be fine -- but mental health, like physical health, responds to medical treatment. If you're ill, it's not your fault!
T
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I was raised in turmoil, booze and abuse. I don't believe that I have ever been depressed, yes, I have been down and out for a short period of time, yet never depressed.
Cannot say why, all I know is that I focused on how to get the "H" out of the mess I was in and exposed to...that was my goal, that was my plan, and, no one was going to stop me .I was driven.
Today, at my old age, I am still a planner and never plan to fail.
We all react differently to our enviorment, mine was to fight it, I was not going to take that mess into my adult life...yes, there are scars, but, they are not an issue, it is my mind over matter.
I do understand what you have been dealing with, and, I agree brain chemistry can be an real issue and medication may be the only answer.
Have you read anything about your subconcious mind? It is the controller of both your mind and body. If you feed your subconcious mind a postive thought every night, after a period of time your concious mind will believe it and it will become fact. Your concious mind feeds off of your subconcious mind, you must feed the subconcious mind the same positive thought every night until it happens. Then move onto your next positive thought. This whole process works best if you feed the postive thought right B/4 you go to sleep. Might be worth a shot, works for me.
Cannot say why, all I know is that I focused on how to get the "H" out of the mess I was in and exposed to...that was my goal, that was my plan, and, no one was going to stop me .I was driven.
Today, at my old age, I am still a planner and never plan to fail.
We all react differently to our enviorment, mine was to fight it, I was not going to take that mess into my adult life...yes, there are scars, but, they are not an issue, it is my mind over matter.
I do understand what you have been dealing with, and, I agree brain chemistry can be an real issue and medication may be the only answer.
Have you read anything about your subconcious mind? It is the controller of both your mind and body. If you feed your subconcious mind a postive thought every night, after a period of time your concious mind will believe it and it will become fact. Your concious mind feeds off of your subconcious mind, you must feed the subconcious mind the same positive thought every night until it happens. Then move onto your next positive thought. This whole process works best if you feed the postive thought right B/4 you go to sleep. Might be worth a shot, works for me.
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hey there IWTH 
I dunno any ACoA who has _not_ experienced that. As a general rule, us ACoA's need to look out for three _different_ kinds of depression.
1- Situational depression. That's what normal people get when they are strugling with some overwhemling challenge in life. Like loosing a job, getting a divorce, etc. From what you have shared, you have a huge amount of stress going on in your life, and I know I would sure be feeling totally depressed if I were dealing with all that.
2- Chronic depression. If the above situational depression goes on for a long time, it becomes chronic. That's what most ACoA's get as chidren. Years and years of a toxic famiy leaves us completely exhausted emotionally. Your use of the word "battle zone" is exactly right. Here on this side of the pond ACoA's get diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress, same as soldiers back from a war.
3- Chemical depression. This one is independent of the above two. It's what comes with Bipolar disorder, some kinds of diabetes, and many, many other medical conditions.
Each of the above three needs to be treated in a different way. Chemical depression is treated with meds. Chronic depression is treated with a good shrink and group therapy of some form. Situational is treated by solving the problems with the help of friends and family.
Sometimes, life will dump on us and we'll get all 3 types at the same time. A few years back my alcoholic father, uncle and aunt all died withing a 3 week period. That kicked up some old chronic issues as an ACoA. At the same time I developed a terminal disease called "autonomic neuropathy" which caused some nasty swings in my blood sugar (I am also diabetic), which in turn made my moods crash something wicked. And my wife left me for three other guys, which created an awful situational crisis. All three types at once. Yuck.
Suggestions? Start with your doctor. Perhaps you need to adjust your dose of anti-depresants to a level that won't make you so sleepy, or perhaps change to a different type altogether. Have you had your blood sugar tested? There's all kinds of medical conditions that will make your blood sugar bounce around, and in turn make you feel a strong medical depression.
Have you found anybody you can talk to in real life? I know you are out on an island, but perhaps once a month you could make a trip to see a social worker, a counselor, an old friend, a meeting of al-anon.
Basically, as an ACoA I have to take care of all 3 kinds of depression at the same time. Each one gets it's share of attention, each one gets a little bit of healing, and little by little my life has become much, much better because my _emotions_ are no longer ruled by my past. You are already on your journey of recovery IWTH, you just have to keep taking the healthy actions that will bring you closer and closer to your goal.
Mike ((((( hugs )))))
Originally Posted by Iwanttoheal
...Has anyone experienced this? Any thoughts...
1- Situational depression. That's what normal people get when they are strugling with some overwhemling challenge in life. Like loosing a job, getting a divorce, etc. From what you have shared, you have a huge amount of stress going on in your life, and I know I would sure be feeling totally depressed if I were dealing with all that.
2- Chronic depression. If the above situational depression goes on for a long time, it becomes chronic. That's what most ACoA's get as chidren. Years and years of a toxic famiy leaves us completely exhausted emotionally. Your use of the word "battle zone" is exactly right. Here on this side of the pond ACoA's get diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress, same as soldiers back from a war.
3- Chemical depression. This one is independent of the above two. It's what comes with Bipolar disorder, some kinds of diabetes, and many, many other medical conditions.
Each of the above three needs to be treated in a different way. Chemical depression is treated with meds. Chronic depression is treated with a good shrink and group therapy of some form. Situational is treated by solving the problems with the help of friends and family.
Sometimes, life will dump on us and we'll get all 3 types at the same time. A few years back my alcoholic father, uncle and aunt all died withing a 3 week period. That kicked up some old chronic issues as an ACoA. At the same time I developed a terminal disease called "autonomic neuropathy" which caused some nasty swings in my blood sugar (I am also diabetic), which in turn made my moods crash something wicked. And my wife left me for three other guys, which created an awful situational crisis. All three types at once. Yuck.
Suggestions? Start with your doctor. Perhaps you need to adjust your dose of anti-depresants to a level that won't make you so sleepy, or perhaps change to a different type altogether. Have you had your blood sugar tested? There's all kinds of medical conditions that will make your blood sugar bounce around, and in turn make you feel a strong medical depression.
Have you found anybody you can talk to in real life? I know you are out on an island, but perhaps once a month you could make a trip to see a social worker, a counselor, an old friend, a meeting of al-anon.
Basically, as an ACoA I have to take care of all 3 kinds of depression at the same time. Each one gets it's share of attention, each one gets a little bit of healing, and little by little my life has become much, much better because my _emotions_ are no longer ruled by my past. You are already on your journey of recovery IWTH, you just have to keep taking the healthy actions that will bring you closer and closer to your goal.
Mike ((((( hugs )))))
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: NJ
Posts: 197
Thanks for all your shares everyone.
Finally went to see my doctor yesterday, he was great. We chatted for a long, long time mostly about how hard it is to come to terms with chronic conditions such as my son's Autism diagnosis and how doubly hard it is, when the diagnosis has been missed and comes much later in life than it should have.
Even though I have been denying this to myself; I have been treating it as an Acute condition and trying desperately to fix things so that he can become a "normal" young man and have things return to the way they were 18 months ago. The truth is I can't fix this; I am not that powerful; things have changed and there is no going back and for my health and sanity I need to accept that.
I need to grieve my loss.
I have fought getting to this point with every fibre of my being and I wasn't even aware of what I was doing. Over the past year, I have rehashed my acao past; rejoined the alcoholic rollercoaster ride of my family of origin; entered into numerous battles with education, social and health authorities. I have done anything and everything in my power to avoid, deny and control my situation all because I didn't want to face up to the fact that my son is Autistic, no-one can fix this and our lives have now changed irrevocably. I need to let myself grieve so that we can just be.
As always, thanks for reading, IWTHxxx
Finally went to see my doctor yesterday, he was great. We chatted for a long, long time mostly about how hard it is to come to terms with chronic conditions such as my son's Autism diagnosis and how doubly hard it is, when the diagnosis has been missed and comes much later in life than it should have.
Even though I have been denying this to myself; I have been treating it as an Acute condition and trying desperately to fix things so that he can become a "normal" young man and have things return to the way they were 18 months ago. The truth is I can't fix this; I am not that powerful; things have changed and there is no going back and for my health and sanity I need to accept that.
I need to grieve my loss.
I have fought getting to this point with every fibre of my being and I wasn't even aware of what I was doing. Over the past year, I have rehashed my acao past; rejoined the alcoholic rollercoaster ride of my family of origin; entered into numerous battles with education, social and health authorities. I have done anything and everything in my power to avoid, deny and control my situation all because I didn't want to face up to the fact that my son is Autistic, no-one can fix this and our lives have now changed irrevocably. I need to let myself grieve so that we can just be.
As always, thanks for reading, IWTHxxx
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Ireland
Posts: 15
Zzzzzzz
Hi IWTH,
My doc recently told me I had chronic depression, I didn't want to go on anti depressants until it was completely necessary as I had a bad experience with them around 8 years ago, so he referred me to a phsyciatrist. One of my problems was, like you, I would sleep about 11 hours, get up in the morning feeling exhausted, get the kids to school and come home and go to bed again and sleep for another few hours and would still be tired for the time I was awake. My phsyc has given me a "to do" and "not to do" list. One is NOT to go back to bed under any circumstances, she said if I'm tired, have a nap on the couch but stay away from the bed as it sends the wrong message to your body. I also have to read 2 books, one called Adult Children of Alcoholics by John Stafford and the other is "don't sweat the small stuff - and it's all small stuff". I also must NOT drink any alcohol for 2 months, I don't have a problem but as it is a depressant she thinks it's not helping me. I must also write a letter to my dad (who died 6 years ago) and show it to her. I have 5 weeks before I return to her and if I'm still not feeling any better......then she will put me on anti-D's.
My doc recently told me I had chronic depression, I didn't want to go on anti depressants until it was completely necessary as I had a bad experience with them around 8 years ago, so he referred me to a phsyciatrist. One of my problems was, like you, I would sleep about 11 hours, get up in the morning feeling exhausted, get the kids to school and come home and go to bed again and sleep for another few hours and would still be tired for the time I was awake. My phsyc has given me a "to do" and "not to do" list. One is NOT to go back to bed under any circumstances, she said if I'm tired, have a nap on the couch but stay away from the bed as it sends the wrong message to your body. I also have to read 2 books, one called Adult Children of Alcoholics by John Stafford and the other is "don't sweat the small stuff - and it's all small stuff". I also must NOT drink any alcohol for 2 months, I don't have a problem but as it is a depressant she thinks it's not helping me. I must also write a letter to my dad (who died 6 years ago) and show it to her. I have 5 weeks before I return to her and if I'm still not feeling any better......then she will put me on anti-D's.
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Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Second star to the right....
Posts: 845
hi iwth, sorry to hear that you are hurting...(hug).
i learnt about disease in my family, i cant cause it, i cant control it, i cant cure it.
i have had a long history with depression and anxiety and post traumatic stress etc etc.
im currently on desvenlafaxine (anti-depressant) and lithium (mood stabiliser) and do feel a lot better, i find day to day tasks less overwhelming and feel less crushed by the losses in my life (blood relatives who are dead, alcoholic, dismissive etc, friends son suicide, broken dreams etc). i also see a shrink and go to alanon meetings and church and i pray. i am currently on leave from work and a government payment if i agree to go back to work in a month or two but tomorrow is another day! alanon literature esp. from survival to recovery helps me always wih acoa issues, helps me feel less raw and in pain and desolate and more nourished, sometimes i hold the book to my heart and pray for all the other acoas who have these stories to find a happier, more joyful and freer existence WITHIN their current circumstances, and me too!
do you know you can go to Step Chat - Welcome to Step Chat they have online steps meetings there, they help me when im really in a crisis, i can always get an amen to a prayer when i feel reeaaaallly down, sometimes i just cry it out to a sad song or movie, sometimes that just is what i need, now that i know i am ok to have """feelings""" the meds, i think, help me with the other suggested things like diet and exercise etc etc, they also help me focus my prayers and meditations more fruitfully.
i hope this helps and that you find some peace and comfort real soon. xx
i learnt about disease in my family, i cant cause it, i cant control it, i cant cure it.
i have had a long history with depression and anxiety and post traumatic stress etc etc.
im currently on desvenlafaxine (anti-depressant) and lithium (mood stabiliser) and do feel a lot better, i find day to day tasks less overwhelming and feel less crushed by the losses in my life (blood relatives who are dead, alcoholic, dismissive etc, friends son suicide, broken dreams etc). i also see a shrink and go to alanon meetings and church and i pray. i am currently on leave from work and a government payment if i agree to go back to work in a month or two but tomorrow is another day! alanon literature esp. from survival to recovery helps me always wih acoa issues, helps me feel less raw and in pain and desolate and more nourished, sometimes i hold the book to my heart and pray for all the other acoas who have these stories to find a happier, more joyful and freer existence WITHIN their current circumstances, and me too!
do you know you can go to Step Chat - Welcome to Step Chat they have online steps meetings there, they help me when im really in a crisis, i can always get an amen to a prayer when i feel reeaaaallly down, sometimes i just cry it out to a sad song or movie, sometimes that just is what i need, now that i know i am ok to have """feelings""" the meds, i think, help me with the other suggested things like diet and exercise etc etc, they also help me focus my prayers and meditations more fruitfully.
i hope this helps and that you find some peace and comfort real soon. xx
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: Pgh, Pa
Posts: 23
When I got sober over 7 yrs ago all my depression and anxiety came out like a cup runneth over. Growing up with an alcoholic father, I was in a constant state of uncertainty and fear which I believe is common in ACOA's. I also think I was depressed through most of my childhood and my mom describes me as a "moody child" When I started drinking at 15, I think it was in part to relieve my depression (how crazy is that). I went through periods of anxiety attacks and depressive states and drowned as much as I could with alcohol. My mom exhibited depression and became anorexic to gain attention from my dad when he was drinking. She has never really dealt with that stuff and now my dad is sober and she still continues to stay closed up. I am grateful in a way that when I became sober, the real me emerged and I am now able to treat it. It is also helping me see all the characteristics of growing up in an alcoholic household. I work my program and continue to grow. The fact that I could acknowledge and treat my disorders only helps in the process.
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