alanonicnov2008

Hi, I've posted on this forum before, had broken up with my alcoholic boyfriend and we got back together and had been seeing each other for the past month.

Things have gone progressively downhill as our relationship resumes it's course. I have a goal of getting married and having a family, but for whatever reason he is frustrating that goal. I finally told him that I can't continue to be intimate with him unless we have serious discussions about getting married.

In my mind I need to have a respectful relationship and that means respecting my goals. We have been on and off for over 2 years and I've known him for 4. My thinking is if he doesn't know who I am yet, he can find out who I am by spending platonic time with me.

He has been angry with me since then and keeps telling me we are "starting over" and that I can't have any expectations of commitment. I feel like if I'm going to start over, it's not going to be with him...I mean seriously if I have to start from scratch he would not be my choice. I'm with him because I'm already attached. If he could change (famous last words) and if I could change and our relationship could work this would be worthwhile.

I'm 39 and have all but given up on family...he can listen to me cry and cry over it and it doesn't move him. He doesn't care. On Tuesday he told me he was thinking maybe we should get married and have kids and tonight he told me he's not sure we should be seeing each other at all. All because I told him that I need this commitment to continue.

I had this relationship before, the guy before him did and said the same thing...and it's extremely painful for me. I keep wondering when the empathy is going to kick in and when he is going to start caring, but it never happens. I know that I have to cut all ties and move on. It's so hard. But I keep looking back, or he keeps trying to come back, but he's not sincere (and he's abusive to boot).

I'm looking forward to really being over this, and all of the things that have happened *to* me so I can start living the life I have, being led by God to what's in store for me. How do I get the strength to do that? How do I get the strength to finally give up on him? No more hope?

PieRat

Is he still an alcoholic?

If so do yourself a favor and move on! It will save you a lot of heartache in the long run. I am married to a AW, and if I could only go back in time.

alanonicnov2008

He's in recovery, but that doesn't always help the personality problems. He has improved somewhat but not enough and now finally 2 years into it I have to cut my losses. He's not even at the point where he would marry me...

We never had "good times" it was always very, very hard. I basically have decided to set a boundary...hoping I can stick to it. I want so much more, can't figure out why I don't seem to be able to find the right guy for me. But I do have to move on.

JenT1968

if he doesn't want to get married to you and have kids, for whatever reason, and it is one of your goals, then you are not going to be able to get your needs met with him. It's fine for him to not want these things, it just isn't fine for you.

and seriously, would you be happy if the only way you could get married and have kids was by badgering or persuading him into it. I understand how hard that yes/no/maybe/never/now/no mind-changing thing is. but beleive me, unless someone is really on the same page, even if he comes round to your way of thinking, it may well feel very hollow.

fragrantrose

am speaking from experience...if you try to impose your will on this man..a large dose of HEARTACHE down the track

suki44883

Is being married so important to you that you would marry this guy if he agreed just so you would be married? Getting married is easy. Being married is a lot of hard work. Why would you want to tie yourself legally to someone who treats you so badly and is abusive, let alone have children with him. Once you have children, you are tied to that person forever and let me tell you, that can be hell on earth.

You deserve better, but first you need to take the time to work on your own issues, such as why being married is so important that you would settle for such a jerk.

catlovermi

I'm going to challenge your thinking, here.

I don't observe that HE is frustrating YOUR goal - that HE is making YOU crazy. He is being who he is and wanting what he wants. Just because it differs from what you want of him does not make him the wrong party. It simply means you are looking for bread in the hardware store.

You are frustrating your own goal, by trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.

You are frustrating your own goal, by the choices you have made. You have chosen a partner who does not see things the way you do and does not want the things you do.

I have learned that I am responsible for my own goals. If something is not working as I try to progress toward a goal, I have to make the changes necessary to achieve my goals.

If I can't find bread in the hardware store, I don't complain to the store manager; I leave the hardware store and look for a bakery.

CLMI

Summerpeach

If he was not an RA, but just some great guy who is the cat's meow, but decided he doesn't want to get married and have kids, but that is your goal, you would still be in a relationship with someone that doesn't want what you want?! right!?

Have you always wanted to married with kids, even as a younger person? Or is this something you just started to want?

alanonicnov2008

I am 39. I have been wanting to settle down in the form of marriage since I was about 30...it's not my central focus but it's something I want. I also have a career, etc., it's not like I'm looking to be taken care of.

I have made that goal very clear from the beginning of my last two relationships. Both guys said they had this as a goal and the latter is Mormon and talks about having a family all of the time. If you asked him today if that's what he wanted he would say that is what he wants.

I think having kids kicked in as a goal around the age of 33, 34. I left a stable but not very good relationship when I was 34 because I wanted to have a family and I couldn't see it with my partner at the time...

Yes, that is what I am trying to do. I think it's too simplistic of a picture to say "oh he flat out refuses to do these things". As I said, if you asked him right now, he would say he wants those things. On Tuesday of this week he told me "I would get married and start trying to have kids right now". On Thursday it was "we shouldn't have gotten back together". Mind you I said nothing to him between these two conversations. We had a ten minute conversation on Wednesday and that was it, and it was very light. I was in a great mood last night until he dropped the bomb on me.

As for why I re-engaged, I wasn't even speaking to him a month ago but he called and said he wanted to try again and that he wanted to be together for the long term. It's just that for whatever reason when it comes down to discussing these things he acts as if I'm out of my mind and tells me that I can't have those things. It is not that he's been clear at all...and that's what is so painful.

I fully accept that it was a mistake to let him back in. I'm not saying it wasn't. I'm just feeling bad about it and wanted to share. It will be awhile but I will get back on my feet. I just need to never speak to him again, as he tends to say things he doesn't mean that trigger my own fantasies about having these elusive but very important goals met in my life. It's just very very painful, and the previous boyfriend did the same thing...just sucks.

As for how I feel about him as a person, aside from this frustration issue I really love him. He has problems around commitment and control...I would never get back involved with him knowing what I know...but it doesn't mean I didn't see a future with him at some point. And I do think his issues are solvable when he wants to do that. He just doesn't have an incentive right now...he doesn't have the feelings required to do the work required...

Absolutely not, there is no question I don't want that, that is why I know I don't want to be with him anymore. I really thought of this as giving him one more chance, but he couldn't stick with it. I'm sure, one day, he will meet someone who will inspire him to change. I'm just not that person. And that's ok...it just, as I said, sucks.

That's why the goals discussion is such a difficult one...asking someone if they want kids "one day" is pretty much pointless at my age. I would really need to find someone who wants kids and really, really understands and empathizes with my situation. That guy is very, very hard to find, if he exists at all. Not in New York City in my opinion.

Kittyboo

That guy is very, very hard to find, if he exists at all. Not in New York City in my opinion.

Yes, that guy does exist. And that guy exists in every area of the world. But we are typically not drawn to those guys because we are not typically drawn to HEALTHY relationships. Change your environment and you change your world.

that is why I know I don't want to be with him anymore

Well, glad to see you have decided to move on! As from this statement that means you have. Kudos!

alanonicnov2008

OK well I look forward to meeting him...

Kittyboo

You and me both! And I believe we will, as long as we stop settling for nonsense!

Freedom1990

For me, that right there in bold/underlined lettering is a deal-breaker. Never mind his wishy washy crap, wanting one thing one day, something entirely different the next.

My tolerance for abuse, any kind of abuse, is zero.

Marriage didn't change a thing when I married my abusive EXAH. It just got worse and worse and worse and...

alanonicnov2008

That's exactly my point...and thanks for giving me a chance to clarify. I have been with this guy for 2 years. I have known him for 5. What does any of that have to do with "starting over"? How can a person just decide that your past is meaningless and none of the relationship you've built, positive or negative, is meaningful?

How can you just "start from scratch" with someone you know and love? You can't. You can build something, but you can't tear it apart and start from nothing.

So I guess what I would say instead is "if I could start from scratch" I would choose not to do this again.

nodaybut2day

So, since you've come to the realization that this man will not meet your needs, what will you do about it?

Also, it doesn't take a partner to conceive a child. Just a sperm donor, IVF, some cash and some patience. If a child is truly what you want (but you don't want the hassle of dealing with a meddling, abusive, RA of a father), it's always an option. If you wait for someone else to fulfill your dream--and I understand how powerful the drive is to fulfill this particular dream, you may wait for a long time.

suki44883

So I guess what I would say instead is "if I could start from scratch" I would choose not to do this again.

You CAN start from scratch. You are the only person stopping you.

alanonicnov2008

I wasn't saying I wasn't going to start over one day with a new person. I'm sure I will, when my life is more healed. Or maybe I won't start over with someone else, but I will start over with myself. That's not the point.

I was saying that it does not make sense for someone to say "we are starting over" because two people cannot "start over" who have a history together.

alanonicnov2008

Yes I've considered it. I decided that I didn't have the resources financially to support myself and a child so I opted against it for now. I'm considering freezing my eggs in the meantime.

It's not so much that I have a "dream" of getting married and having kids. It becomes a relationship goal. I can't be in a go-nowhere relationship...when I'm in a relationship, I want it to progress, to grow, to move towards more commitment. If I'm with someone who fears commitment I get very unhappy.

That's why I've decided that as hard as this may be on my dating life, that I can't be physically intimate with someone on a serious level until there is serious discussion about the future and the person really shows they are interested in that. It makes no sense for me to keep going with the kinds of relationships I have been having...being in no relationship is preferable and totally ok with me as an option.

I did *try* to have these conversations with my ex about his feelings about marriage, and I *thought* we were on the same page...but we weren't. When we talked about marriage I was content with his answer of "I want to have kids" and "I don't want to have any more girlfriends." But in hindsight I really needed to hear, "I am looking for a partner".

alanonicnov2008

Yeah I wish I had really accepted it sooner. When you see it, you say something, and you stay, can't say I left that one with my dignity in tact.

Live and learn!

NYC_Chick

I am 37 and cut all ties with xabf last year. Hard, but the best thing I have ever done. Alcoholics care about one thing...themselves. You are crying to a brick wall. If you really want those things, work on you and go no contact. He will tell you what you want to hear for a little while, then back away from it. You are wasting your own time. Hugs!