Telling on myself
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
Telling on myself
I have been having some real bad cravings lately. I dont know why really. Alot of stress. I have been down and easily aggravated for about a week or two now. Which is always the first signs of getting antsy. My gram came home drunk Monday after a Memorial Day BBQ. Of course she had my 2 little cousins spend tyhe night. She always picks the worst times to be drin king. She told me the next day that I left mac and cheese that I made on the stove all night. Welllll, She was the one who made it, Not me. She also drank probably another 8 or 9 beers the next day. I didnt even see her do it eother. How freakin sneaky is that?
My 2 little cousins are always at my house. From like 7 am til 5 pm 5 dyas a week. And spend the night at least one a week. The littlest one is getting real mouthy and acting up. And my gram just lets them both do whatever they want. If I try to correct them. I get **** from her. Leave them alone, they're just kids. Well kids shouldnt be cussing and talkign back with a slick mouth and telling me to shut up and things like that. They are lucky they arent my kids. I would smack them freakin silly.
Besides that. Everything is going very good.
I am going to finally get my surgery in 3 weeks. I havent been following the diet like I should. But I am still losing what I am suppose to. Work is good. It is very exhausting and really puts alot of starin on my body. I am in so much pain some days, I cant even sleep it hurts so much alot of times. Hopefully after surgery that will all soon change.
I am grateful I have held on this far. I have been to the point where in the past I just say F it and go. Buty I just keep repeating in my mind that I need to just get through today and see what tomorrow brings. And I am in fear of screwing with my good energy. I have been doing everything right and I just know if I do the littlest thing wrong. My lfie is going to be hell. I am afraid of losing almost 7 mos clean. I cant even imagine doing that.
Fear is what is getting me through. And thats not how my recovery should be. The obsession is getting to me. I have money. I have even been to the city twice in the past week for Dr appts. I made it back. Didnt even try and go being nosey in the hood. Butg once I get home. And especially when I am ready top strangle some kids or just blow up at someone becasue I cant take the BS anymore. I just want to go and smoke myself senseless.
But I knwo that wont do anything except make me insane again. I dont ever want to go there again. I remember how it is when its all gone. How it feels not to have any money and have that crippling desperate feeling. I hate feeling like that.
I need to hit a meeting. I am going to try and make one tomorrow night. I have to stay at my aunts for a few days while her and my uncle are out of town. Stay with the teenage cousins at nioght.
I just needed to say something. I have been holding it in and thats the worst thing I can do.
I am also going to tell at a meeting how I have been feeling. Which I really dont like because most people I know are going to user that for their own gossipy BS. I have seen it happen. I could care less what anyone thinks. But I need people that are going to actually be of some help. Not fake azz phoney , just wanting to be nosey. '
Anyway. There it is.
I feel like I want to get high but fear and remembering what it is like is whats stopping me. I dont want to start over anymore. I dont want to go to workj tomorrow having been up all night feeling like I want to die.
I dont want to feel the guilt of wasitng my money and throwing 7 mos of serious dedication away for nothing.
Fear isnt my idea of a good way to stay clean. It should be becasue of more postive things. Which alot of it is. But mostly fear si whats holding me down now. I guess as long as something is, thats all that matters.
My 2 little cousins are always at my house. From like 7 am til 5 pm 5 dyas a week. And spend the night at least one a week. The littlest one is getting real mouthy and acting up. And my gram just lets them both do whatever they want. If I try to correct them. I get **** from her. Leave them alone, they're just kids. Well kids shouldnt be cussing and talkign back with a slick mouth and telling me to shut up and things like that. They are lucky they arent my kids. I would smack them freakin silly.
Besides that. Everything is going very good.
I am going to finally get my surgery in 3 weeks. I havent been following the diet like I should. But I am still losing what I am suppose to. Work is good. It is very exhausting and really puts alot of starin on my body. I am in so much pain some days, I cant even sleep it hurts so much alot of times. Hopefully after surgery that will all soon change.
I am grateful I have held on this far. I have been to the point where in the past I just say F it and go. Buty I just keep repeating in my mind that I need to just get through today and see what tomorrow brings. And I am in fear of screwing with my good energy. I have been doing everything right and I just know if I do the littlest thing wrong. My lfie is going to be hell. I am afraid of losing almost 7 mos clean. I cant even imagine doing that.
Fear is what is getting me through. And thats not how my recovery should be. The obsession is getting to me. I have money. I have even been to the city twice in the past week for Dr appts. I made it back. Didnt even try and go being nosey in the hood. Butg once I get home. And especially when I am ready top strangle some kids or just blow up at someone becasue I cant take the BS anymore. I just want to go and smoke myself senseless.
But I knwo that wont do anything except make me insane again. I dont ever want to go there again. I remember how it is when its all gone. How it feels not to have any money and have that crippling desperate feeling. I hate feeling like that.
I need to hit a meeting. I am going to try and make one tomorrow night. I have to stay at my aunts for a few days while her and my uncle are out of town. Stay with the teenage cousins at nioght.
I just needed to say something. I have been holding it in and thats the worst thing I can do.
I am also going to tell at a meeting how I have been feeling. Which I really dont like because most people I know are going to user that for their own gossipy BS. I have seen it happen. I could care less what anyone thinks. But I need people that are going to actually be of some help. Not fake azz phoney , just wanting to be nosey. '
Anyway. There it is.
I feel like I want to get high but fear and remembering what it is like is whats stopping me. I dont want to start over anymore. I dont want to go to workj tomorrow having been up all night feeling like I want to die.
I dont want to feel the guilt of wasitng my money and throwing 7 mos of serious dedication away for nothing.
Fear isnt my idea of a good way to stay clean. It should be becasue of more postive things. Which alot of it is. But mostly fear si whats holding me down now. I guess as long as something is, thats all that matters.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Virginia Beach, VA
Posts: 4
Wow! I just have to say that is totally awesome...about the seven months. That is great. Sorry to hear about all that b.s. going on at home. I am haunted by fears right now at well. I'm hoping it is all part of the process and will get better. It soounds like there are a lot of really supportive people on here. I have faith in you. Don't give up!
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
I dont really have anyone f2f that I fully trust and connect with. The few people I made a little bond with whe I was in sober living arent really "real." They will nod and hug and say all that good stuff. But they could really care less.
I am just going to reach out to people I havent before at a meeting. Thats all I can think of. Thx guys. I always feel safe and trust here.
I am just going to reach out to people I havent before at a meeting. Thats all I can think of. Thx guys. I always feel safe and trust here.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 1,591
I'm glad you told. You quit a couple of days before me, you have to stay right where you are, ha ha!
It does sound like you are pretty in tune with yourself, when you say you spot when you do the slightest thing wrong. Sometimes I find fault with myself for letting something slide (a chore or "good habit" of some kind) even though I am "allowed" to do what I want. I suppose that is along the same lines.
We can't handle it, that's why we don't use anymore.
It does sound like you are pretty in tune with yourself, when you say you spot when you do the slightest thing wrong. Sometimes I find fault with myself for letting something slide (a chore or "good habit" of some kind) even though I am "allowed" to do what I want. I suppose that is along the same lines.
We can't handle it, that's why we don't use anymore.
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
I have been on this good Karma kick for awhile now. I have always believed that theory. So not only in my actions but my mind. I need to keep it all good. Not try and do,say or think anything negative or wrong.
I dont even want to think ill of anyone. Like I have been about ym family. I love my family more than life itself. But sometimes I just wish I could go be by myself sometimes.
Now that I am a supervisor at work. I try not to be too critical of their work. Some of them need a little more training in my opinion. But I have to remember not everyone is going to be obsessive in their work like I am. Soem may not give a **** like I do.
Just keep it on the I and be grateful and always look for the good in everything. thats how it mworks. The similarities not the differences.
I dont even want to think ill of anyone. Like I have been about ym family. I love my family more than life itself. But sometimes I just wish I could go be by myself sometimes.
Now that I am a supervisor at work. I try not to be too critical of their work. Some of them need a little more training in my opinion. But I have to remember not everyone is going to be obsessive in their work like I am. Soem may not give a **** like I do.
Just keep it on the I and be grateful and always look for the good in everything. thats how it mworks. The similarities not the differences.
I got nothin'
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: My house.
Posts: 4,890
T, you're a supervisor? I missed that one. 
Dang, I usually don't have problems if I have to walk by the beer cooler in a store, but there was booze for sale at the counter at the 7-11 today. WTF. I hesitated for a moment...moved on.
I've been wanting to get completely smashed lately, T. I'm not doing it, though. I get up, go to work, come home, and do my best to relax. Keep on keepin' on. You're doing great.
Congratulations on the position.
Dang, I usually don't have problems if I have to walk by the beer cooler in a store, but there was booze for sale at the counter at the 7-11 today. WTF. I hesitated for a moment...moved on.
I've been wanting to get completely smashed lately, T. I'm not doing it, though. I get up, go to work, come home, and do my best to relax. Keep on keepin' on. You're doing great.
Congratulations on the position.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,475
Hi Trish,
You're doing great!
You have the surgery coming up, which will be good for you.
You got the promotion at work because you are a responsible worker and that's super. But, you're right, not everyone who works there will feel the same way that you do.
Keep focused on where you are now and how far you've come.
You're doing great!
You have the surgery coming up, which will be good for you.
You got the promotion at work because you are a responsible worker and that's super. But, you're right, not everyone who works there will feel the same way that you do.
Keep focused on where you are now and how far you've come.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: SE and then South some more
Posts: 2,648
Hey Girl, sorry to hear that you're struggling right now.
I have to share with you because I think it's really important and you're doing so kick @ss girl!!!
I know for a while I wanted to "inventory" what everyone else was doing and I found it better for me to let it roll off my back, walk away, and let it go.
Dealing with issues like that were so much easier when I had a drink in hand because I could create havoc and just go get drunk over it. Today, what works best for me is to just let it go.
I literally CHOSE to isolate myself from people as much as possible for a long while because it seemed like anything and everything other people did grated on my last nerve, no matter how small it was. It really had me wanting to rip my hair out of my head, and just really angry. When I looked at what it was I was getting so out of whack over, I knew I had to let it go.
Other people's "stuff" is just not worth it to me. Today I also deal a lot better with "stuff" because I took the option of walking away, protecting myself, and just kept focusing on me, me, me, me!!!!!
This time is still all about you Trish. I don't know if you have a place that you have as a sanctuary for yourself, but I know that finding a safe place for me to just be was the best thing I did for myself when things got like that.
Don't sweat the small stuff Sister, it's not worth it and YOU ARE!!!
I have to share with you because I think it's really important and you're doing so kick @ss girl!!!
I know for a while I wanted to "inventory" what everyone else was doing and I found it better for me to let it roll off my back, walk away, and let it go.
Dealing with issues like that were so much easier when I had a drink in hand because I could create havoc and just go get drunk over it. Today, what works best for me is to just let it go.
I literally CHOSE to isolate myself from people as much as possible for a long while because it seemed like anything and everything other people did grated on my last nerve, no matter how small it was. It really had me wanting to rip my hair out of my head, and just really angry. When I looked at what it was I was getting so out of whack over, I knew I had to let it go.
Other people's "stuff" is just not worth it to me. Today I also deal a lot better with "stuff" because I took the option of walking away, protecting myself, and just kept focusing on me, me, me, me!!!!!
This time is still all about you Trish. I don't know if you have a place that you have as a sanctuary for yourself, but I know that finding a safe place for me to just be was the best thing I did for myself when things got like that.
Don't sweat the small stuff Sister, it's not worth it and YOU ARE!!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
Trish,
What Anna said is right. I agree.
Sometimes we just have bad days. I had one just a few days ago. I flew into a rage, threw a tantrum and swore. Very unprofessional of me and very out of character for me these days. Today I am ashamed of my behavior. I will apologize to the involved parties when I go back to work in a few days.
Why did I act out like that? I've had some time to think it over and basically, I think I let my expectations of others get too large. It was really a case of "people, place and things." I was expecting others to have the high standards I have. I was expecting others to not pass the buck. This was my mistake.
I didn't even think about drinking behind it. I might have in the past though. But I didn't. And since then, after I settled down, I realized it was on me. So, I'll make my amends and work harder at my program.
I don't know if this will help you. I hope it does. You've made so much progress! Don't let the "small stuff" derail you. Learn from it!
Love,
Lenina
What Anna said is right. I agree.
Sometimes we just have bad days. I had one just a few days ago. I flew into a rage, threw a tantrum and swore. Very unprofessional of me and very out of character for me these days. Today I am ashamed of my behavior. I will apologize to the involved parties when I go back to work in a few days.
Why did I act out like that? I've had some time to think it over and basically, I think I let my expectations of others get too large. It was really a case of "people, place and things." I was expecting others to have the high standards I have. I was expecting others to not pass the buck. This was my mistake.
I didn't even think about drinking behind it. I might have in the past though. But I didn't. And since then, after I settled down, I realized it was on me. So, I'll make my amends and work harder at my program.
I don't know if this will help you. I hope it does. You've made so much progress! Don't let the "small stuff" derail you. Learn from it!
Love,
Lenina
part time member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Michigan
Posts: 2,910
But I knwo that wont do anything except make me insane again. I dont ever want to go there again. I remember how it is when its all gone. How it feels not to have any money and have that crippling desperate feeling. I hate feeling like that.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Trish)) - I don't know that it's so much FEAR of going back out there, as a RESPECT of what you know will happen if you do. Don't know if that makes sense, but it's how I look at it, or even if that's what you're feeling.
I'm not so much scared of going back out, as I KNOW, without a doubt, what the outcome will be and I just don't want to go through all that **** again. To me, it's more about respecting the disease, and believe me, I give it a LOT of respect because it wants to take me down hard..it wants to kill me. I don't know..I may have had fear at 7 months...just giving you a different way of looking at it.
I understand the "home stuff", too. I live in "dysfunction junction"
I stay in my room, when I'm home, but I understand you love the kids and that's not really an option. My niece is 16, talks to my stepmom like a dog, but she knows she can't talk to ME like that...there are consequences. Your cousins are younger, but they can learn the same thing, and believe it or not, what Brit has learned from me, has affected her in a good way. Dad and stepmom come to ME to talk to her about stuff because they know I'm the only person in the house she truly respects...hmmmm. It took a while to GET to that point, but it does work.
I'm so glad your surgery is finally scheduled. Keep on doing what you're doing, sweetie. We both know crack is a dead-end street, so NOT worth going down.
BTW, I am VERY proud of you!!
Love, hugs and prayers!
Amy
I'm not so much scared of going back out, as I KNOW, without a doubt, what the outcome will be and I just don't want to go through all that **** again. To me, it's more about respecting the disease, and believe me, I give it a LOT of respect because it wants to take me down hard..it wants to kill me. I don't know..I may have had fear at 7 months...just giving you a different way of looking at it.
I understand the "home stuff", too. I live in "dysfunction junction"
I stay in my room, when I'm home, but I understand you love the kids and that's not really an option. My niece is 16, talks to my stepmom like a dog, but she knows she can't talk to ME like that...there are consequences. Your cousins are younger, but they can learn the same thing, and believe it or not, what Brit has learned from me, has affected her in a good way. Dad and stepmom come to ME to talk to her about stuff because they know I'm the only person in the house she truly respects...hmmmm. It took a while to GET to that point, but it does work.I'm so glad your surgery is finally scheduled. Keep on doing what you're doing, sweetie. We both know crack is a dead-end street, so NOT worth going down.
BTW, I am VERY proud of you!!
Love, hugs and prayers!
Amy
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