Fighting that trip back to being a codie
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 693
Fighting that trip back to being a codie
Things are "settling down" somewhat since the divorce is proceeding. STBXAH is taking the kids this weekend to a church convention at a water park. I knew it was a bad idea. When older DS told me that Daddy was going to drop them (5 and 9 year old kids with emotional issues) off at the game room while he worked--that I did not ignore and went over with older DS why this would not be a good idea and then told AH the same thing. You would think an adult might get why it is not a good idea to leave a 5 and 9 year old alone with no adult supervision in a large hotel/convention center.
2 days ago he asked me to "come along" and I could go to the waterpark with them. What a lovely invitation-HA! First, why would I want to be around him? Second--does he think I am an idiot? He wants me to babysit and take the kids to the waterpark so he can do what he wants. Today he asks me when I will get to the waterpark and I told him I was not coming to the waterpark and if he did not have a babysitter he ought to reconsider taking the kids to his convention. He started heaping on the guilt--older DS would not have fun because he would not be able to go on the big slides, blah, blah, blah. I just looked at him and said, well, I guess you will have to figure out what to do and walked away. I was right in the middle of writing him an email just now with suggestions on what he could do and stopped and hit the delete button. I would not have even thought of doing that a year ago.
Am I concerned about the kids--I always am when he has them. Can I control what he does-no. Am I going to step in to rescue him because he did not make plans for this big weekend he planned with the kids-no. Will stbxah get upset when he drags a 5 and 9 year old to a convention and expects them to sit quietly for 2 or 3 hours at a time or he will do nothing at all and let them run rampant-probably both.
Older DS has the ER phone and if he calls I will go get them.
It has taken me a long time to get here. . .and I still have a long way to go.
2 days ago he asked me to "come along" and I could go to the waterpark with them. What a lovely invitation-HA! First, why would I want to be around him? Second--does he think I am an idiot? He wants me to babysit and take the kids to the waterpark so he can do what he wants. Today he asks me when I will get to the waterpark and I told him I was not coming to the waterpark and if he did not have a babysitter he ought to reconsider taking the kids to his convention. He started heaping on the guilt--older DS would not have fun because he would not be able to go on the big slides, blah, blah, blah. I just looked at him and said, well, I guess you will have to figure out what to do and walked away. I was right in the middle of writing him an email just now with suggestions on what he could do and stopped and hit the delete button. I would not have even thought of doing that a year ago.
Am I concerned about the kids--I always am when he has them. Can I control what he does-no. Am I going to step in to rescue him because he did not make plans for this big weekend he planned with the kids-no. Will stbxah get upset when he drags a 5 and 9 year old to a convention and expects them to sit quietly for 2 or 3 hours at a time or he will do nothing at all and let them run rampant-probably both.
Older DS has the ER phone and if he calls I will go get them.
It has taken me a long time to get here. . .and I still have a long way to go.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Sounds like you are managing what you can have control over and giving the rest to your HP to manage. Also sounds like he is in for a suprise this weekend when there's no one to bail him out of his own mess. Good for you for giving your oldest a way to pull the plug on this potential train wreck if she needs to. That's called having a Plan B.
It's my Plan Bs that helps to keep me from getting entirely stressed out over stuff I can't control and imagining the worst.
Bravo to you. Your recovery is shining!!
Alice
It's my Plan Bs that helps to keep me from getting entirely stressed out over stuff I can't control and imagining the worst.
Bravo to you. Your recovery is shining!!
Alice
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Ok so far and you have daughter with phone as emergency back up if required. I also had a grin on my face at the idea of kids that age "quietly" doing anything at a boring convention, and I reckon that if he has ideas of spending time at the bar drinking....he is in for disappointment. I have no doubt that HP will have a ball with this scenario.
Now for you!!!! Use the peace and quiet to pamper yourself in any way you can, and do not and I mean NOT, have your ears pricked listening for the phone to ring.
Relax and enjoy this time, and be cool, calm and refreshed when the exhausted and frazzled STBXAH hands the kids over. Just try not to smile on the outside.
God bless
Now for you!!!! Use the peace and quiet to pamper yourself in any way you can, and do not and I mean NOT, have your ears pricked listening for the phone to ring.
Relax and enjoy this time, and be cool, calm and refreshed when the exhausted and frazzled STBXAH hands the kids over. Just try not to smile on the outside.
God bless
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 693
uncdertainty-when I truly started working on this it was a struggle-that was close to 2 years ago (or more). Recovery is not an overnight thing. It took me a loooooong time to get where I was so I knew it would take a while to learn how to live life the way HP wants us to. It is not easy handing things over when I spent so many years trying to control the world.
Alice--I just hope daddy0 does not tell older DS not to call Mama. He is the emperor guilt and threats. I can hear it now--if you call Mama I won't take you to the waterpark, out for dinner, fill in the blank. As an adult I can finally tell him that is OK by me. Older DS will have a harder time-BUT he does know to call me if AH abandons them at the game room.
I know my recovery is coming along--but I know it is something I will have to constantly work on.
I have already made plans for the weekend--some fun and some work but good work (I am a gardener and am digging up a large portion of my yard-by hand with a spade since I am more affordable than someone with a rototiller
) BUT, I am getting my bike ready tonight. I cannot remember the last time I rode it (and I used to do half-century rides. . .I will be happy if I can ride 5 mile without passing out!). But I am excited to just hang. I will not sit and wait for the phone to ring--but I will have my phone with me.
Alice--I just hope daddy0 does not tell older DS not to call Mama. He is the emperor guilt and threats. I can hear it now--if you call Mama I won't take you to the waterpark, out for dinner, fill in the blank. As an adult I can finally tell him that is OK by me. Older DS will have a harder time-BUT he does know to call me if AH abandons them at the game room.
I know my recovery is coming along--but I know it is something I will have to constantly work on.
I have already made plans for the weekend--some fun and some work but good work (I am a gardener and am digging up a large portion of my yard-by hand with a spade since I am more affordable than someone with a rototiller
) BUT, I am getting my bike ready tonight. I cannot remember the last time I rode it (and I used to do half-century rides. . .I will be happy if I can ride 5 mile without passing out!). But I am excited to just hang. I will not sit and wait for the phone to ring--but I will have my phone with me.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 444
Great job deleting that email you were writing. I find myself doing similar things.....
I recently stopped providing transportation for my DD's visitation to XAH. Gave him plenty of notice that he would have to arrange transport to his house, and I would pick her up. He is not able to drive (due to disability, not alcoholism), but chose to continue living in our marital home, in a rural area, with no public transportation.
Anyway .... First week's visit he bailed on her as he could not arrange transport, but he did manage to get her there this week. We'll see how it goes... It was all I could do to not give him a list of ways he could get her out to his house, like all the neighbors he could call on or even arranging a taxi ride...... Thankfully I stopped, it is his deal to figure out.
But, what I did do was tell DD that her father has choices and many options available to him to get her out there; and it is up to him to figure it out.
I recently stopped providing transportation for my DD's visitation to XAH. Gave him plenty of notice that he would have to arrange transport to his house, and I would pick her up. He is not able to drive (due to disability, not alcoholism), but chose to continue living in our marital home, in a rural area, with no public transportation.
Anyway .... First week's visit he bailed on her as he could not arrange transport, but he did manage to get her there this week. We'll see how it goes... It was all I could do to not give him a list of ways he could get her out to his house, like all the neighbors he could call on or even arranging a taxi ride...... Thankfully I stopped, it is his deal to figure out.
But, what I did do was tell DD that her father has choices and many options available to him to get her out there; and it is up to him to figure it out.
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