JohnGalt

Hi all,

I've been a "functional alcoholic" for about 3 years, but over the past year or so, I've recognized some serious personal costs from drinking.

I am thinking about making a serious bid to get sober, and one of my questions is this:

Should I confess to my parents about my drinking? They have no idea about the extent of it. I think it might make me more accountable in my effort to quit, if I make it known to these people that love me.

I have a very good relationship with my parents, and I know they would be receptive and supportive. Any reasons anyone can think of not to tell them, and try to do it on my own?

Thanks for reading, and I look forward to any advice.

JG

Snarf

Hey John. I've found the term "functioning alcoholic" to be a trap that we allow ourselves to fall in. Yes, I had a job, a fiancee, a car, I wasn't homeless and living in the gutter...but once I stopped drinking I realized that I wasn't really "functioning" at all. I was merely existing. If a machine functioned the way I did, you'd scrap it and get one that actually works.

Personally, I didn't say anything to my parents and friends about my desire to stop drinking until I had a couple weeks under my belt. I guess I didn't want to say I was going to quit drinking and then have a beer in my hand 4 days later. I wanted to say, "I haven't had a drink in 2 weeks and I think I'm going to keep that going." And I had been to about 20 AA meetings in that span and got a sponsor, so I knew I was serious about staying off the booze.

Thanks for joining us here. There's lots of really good people with vast treasures of knowledge and experience.

Norther

I told my wife and my doctor that I had been trying to quit and could not. I showed my wife all my hiding places and told her how I snuck stuff into the house. All of this was an effort at kind of painting myself into a corner to make it harder not to quit. It seems to have worked, so far, one month. I suspect too that those close to you will be supportive and that they may well be more aware of your problem than you might suspect. Best of luck to you.

FBL

I told my parents, siblings and a few close friends. I was surprised that most of them already knew there was a problem, I thought I was really hiding the extent of my drinking. I've been sober for almost one year and I've done it without any formal program other than support from my family, friends and SR.

NEOMARXIST

Hi JohnGalt.

From what you say I think it would be a wise decision to tell your parents about the true extent of your situation.

I was far from functional and my binges were destoying me and my life. My parents witnessed most of my worst times and me out of my mind on booze and drugs.

They had been trying to get me to admit my alcoholism for years but I didn't truly accept that I am an alcoholic untill I was finally ready.

They have been supportive and like you say it makes you more accountable when those close to you are fully aware of the situation. As I have got more comfortable in my sobriety then people outside of my closest family are aware of my situation.

Everybody at work on my team etc knows that I am a recovering alcoholic if they ask. Which is cool as there are alcohol incentives ie- bottle of wine, beer etc so it always brings a laugh when I win one of those!! LOL. I always joke that a bottle of wine isn't much of an incentive for someone like myself. They would never see me again if I drank the wine!!

I would be open and honest, especially if they are supportive and caring.

peace

smacked

I think it would be ok to talk to your parents, so they can provide you love through your recovery efforts.

I don't think it's ok to rope family into your recovery for any selfish reason, like accountability.

NoHo

Depends on your parents. I mentioned to my mother at three weeks that I had been off booze (she had seen me in a sorry state a few weeks before) and her response was: "Well, I've seen a lot of people get to four weeks, and then what?" Nice encouragement ... Had I been weaker or more dependent upon my mother for emotional support, I would have had a beer in hand in minutes. However, if you think they'll help you work through it, I think it's a good idea. My siblings have been great. While they drink "normally", they are helpful in talking me through my particular issues. One has been encouraged to try stopping for herself.

JohnGalt

Damn. I don't think my parents would say anything negative. I'm glad to hear about your siblings being supportive. I am pretty close to my sister, who drinks "normally." I'm hoping she can be supportive if I come clean with her, and maybe she can be a good bridge to the "normal" drinking world.

intention

Hi John,

How would you feel if they told you you did not have a problem with alcohol and shouldn't give up?

A functioning alcoholic can give off the illusion that everything is OK - family members could have a difficult time dealing with a loved one being an alcoholic when they can see nothing wrong.

If they did act like this, would you still be as resolved to give up drinking? You giving up drinking is what is most important here.

Good luck

JohnGalt

Hi,

They do know I drink, and have been drinking too much for some time. What they don't know is that it continues, and has gotten worse. I'm sure they have suspicions, and I know they wouldn't try to convince me I wasn't an alcoholic.

My grandparents had alcohol problems, and therefore it is a hard subject for my parents to talk about. But not one that they would be in denial of.

Thanks for the support!

intention

Hi John,

You appear to be very considerate about their feelings and have thought this through. Perhaps all there is left to do now is tell them.

As to being accountable by telling someone that you are giving up, I know that didn't work for me and didn't work for many other alcoholics.

...But their support can be a tremendous help to you and a lot of people have had a lot of relief by finally being honest about their drinking to loved ones.

spryte

I was a functioning alcoholic and I told my mother but not my father. I figured my mother could digest that info properly (for a number of reasons, including: my prior disclosures about my concerns with my drinking, and her exposure to addictions issues), and my father could not digest that info properly (he was sick, he wouldn't understand, it would cause him stress).

That was my experience, and it was a good one.

JohnGalt

I've been learning a bit from SR about how telling loved ones about your drinking doesn't guarantee success by being accountable to them - promises are often broken. But I guess I just want my parents to know where I'm at.

NoHo

I had a shrink tell me that I wasn't an alcoholic, even after I talked about my drinking in honest detail. I think it was the illusion of togetherness that I gave off when I had sessions. Each of us is best positioned to recognize our own disease.

NEOMARXIST

The only person that can keep yourself sober is you. So using somebody else as a way to keep you accountable for your actions isn't going to work. However in my experience then it makes you accountable that in atleast your parents know exactly what the situation is. When your alkie mind is looking for ecape avenues to bolt down in the early days then it ain't gonna get any from your parents as you've already told them you're an alcoholic. I found it stengthen my resolve definately and they were also comforted knowing that I was ready to accept what i was.

It certainly helps you own your sobriety when there are no easy escapes to run down. This is the way that my addict mind worked. If I drank now then I would have to do it on a park bench as everybody knows I am an alcoholic and wouldn't tolerate it. This definately helps me and my rigid foundation. This was my experience but everybody is different.

I think if your parents are supportive and caring then it is most definately beneficial to your recovery to tell then the reality. Also at xmas they ain;t gonna ask you to toast with a beer or wine etc. Same goes for any other family event etcetc. Evrybody knows the score so it helps your sobriety. It may be different for others but this is what I found.

Maybe accountable isn't the right word to use. I sure broke lots of promises to my parents about drinking. I only got sober when I wanted to get sober.

susanlauren

JohnGalt,
I've not told my family. I don't want to be in the position of having to convince them that I am alcoholic. No snickers, please. I was a closet drinker. I live alone several hours away from family. My family never saw me drunk and rarely saw me drink in front of them. It would play with my mind if I had them tell me that I didn't have a problem. I am in recovery for me -- not for anyone else. I relapsed after having a therapist tell me that I didn't have a problem. Talk about denial. I thought to myself, If she doesn't think I have a problem, then who am I to think I have a problem. My non-problem came back and bit me in the butt. Ouch. More recently, I've had another therapist work through an alcoholism assessment with me -- yes, I have this disease. This is my experience. You may have a different experience. If you feel comfortable telling your family, and if you think they will be supportive in your recovery, then, by all means do so. SusanLauren

JohnGalt

I have the ability/problem to put on a very composed facade too, which has led people to underestimate the extent of my issues....

JohnGalt

--

Thanks - that helps me clarify what specifically telling my parents about my problem means. And helps put it in perspective of my recovery.

Brucel

I heard a woman describe how she felt about her life, was like "standing one foot in front of a tidal wave". It had not hit her yet, but eventually it will. If they know you well, they might already know. We tend to exhibit behaviors that we think are normal, and people close to us know different. If you do choose to tell them the truth, my only suggestion would be not to disclose anything that might hurt them. This is your decision and quite frankly your problem. I've been told to ask myself three questions before I speak to someone, is it the truth, is it necessary, and will it hurt anyone. The decision is yours. Good luck and God Bless

hps

I told my parents several years before I was able to get sober. They were quite supportive, although powerless to do much about my problem. As NEOMARXIST noted, it was my responsibility to get sober.

That said, denial about my alcoholism impeded my ability to get sober. So it's important for me to go to AA meetings and state that I am an alcoholic (even though my brain often maintains that I am not an alcoholic). So talking to your parents about your problems may help you fight the impulse to deny you have a problem.