I need some validation....

Old 06-02-2010, 06:58 AM
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Just for today....
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I need some validation....

I am trying to figure out if I am in the right about this situation, or if am wrong.

We are about 3 months into our divorce. Thus far, things have been progressing just fine. AH is still living in the house, helping out financially now, things were ok.

Then I found out that he was dating someone else. Actually, he is talking to about 4 people, but getting serious about 1 in particular. Last night we had to go to a class about parenting required in my county for divorces with minor children. During the meeting he had his arm around me, was making jokes about things, etc. really inappropriate and it made me squeemish. So, we left the meeting and headed home...well, I headed home and he went to see his new girlfriend. I know where she lives because she is friends with my sister in law. We were about a mile away from her house, I saw him turn down her road. So, I felt sick to my stomach.

He sent me a text saying he was going to get some food and did I want anything, and how he thought the seminar we went to was really helpful. About an hour later he came home, and I asked where he had been. He said he had gotten some fast food, all along I knew where he was. So, I said where is your fast food, and he said I ate it, and I said where is the bag and he just looked at me like a deer in headlights. So, I asked where were you really? he lied and said he did get food, and he went to go check on some customers lawns to see if they were wet and if he could cut them today (mind you it hasn't rained since last week) so i said stop lying, where did you go...and he finally admitted he went there, because she called and said she had made dinner if he wanted to come over.

I pretty much blew up, and told him that he was going to need to move out immediately. I did not think it was fair for him to have a girlfriend, and live with me. We are not even divorced yet, and now it is in my face because we all have mutual friends, I see things they are saying back and forth on Facebook, and she called my home telephone Saturday night..it's getting too close to home for me... I said it was hurtful to me, and I thought he was moving to fast...he said it's not my concern because we are getting divorced, but I feel like it is.

I thought about the reason this was bothering me, and when we met he had a girlfriend I didn't find out about until well into the relationship. The things he is doing with this new girl are almost textbook to how our relationship started. He is repeating the same patterns 11 years later and it makes me sick.

I am trying really hard to work on myself, do things with the kids, keep focused on my job and try to get through this. I am not out trying to date the first guy that buys me a drink in a bar, or compliments me at a party, or whatever. i enjoy the attention but know that I am not ready for a relationship, and it eats me alive to know he is.

he says it is none of my business what he does because we are getting divorced, I think as long as he is in my home it is my business.... It's disresepectful and a slap in the face...especially considering this type of behavior is what brought our relationship to it's end in the first place....

He says he is going to move out today. I am totally at my wits end with this. Should it be my business? What can I do?

Thanks for letting me vent. I am very emotional today.
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Old 06-02-2010, 07:35 AM
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I agree with you wholeheartedly, especially as his fling seems to be spilling into your home gradually. It's true that whatever he does on his own time is his business, but now that his new gf is calling the home, I'm sorry, that would be too much for me. You don't just "downgrade" from married to roommates in 3 months. I wonder how he would feel if you had a new beau and he started calling you at home, texting you repeatedly and writing little messages on your Facebook page...I'd bet he'd be all up in arms about it.

So yah, I agree with your decision. It's your home and you deserve a safe place to rest your head.
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Old 06-02-2010, 07:52 AM
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All though it's a tough pill to swallow it's his business if he chooses to date if you're separated. It's in very poor taste for him to move too fast, date a friend or friend of a friend or rub it in your face or act as though he's committed to you in a class mandated by the state (I took that class too). It is however your right to tell him to GTFO of this house yesterday and don't let the door hit you in the ass and to keep his private life to himself.

He sounds like a two faced low class jerk and you're better off without him.
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Old 06-02-2010, 08:00 AM
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You've had enough pain in your life. Since he wants to be a player now, he can reside elsewhere.

What an a$$ to put his arm around you at parenting classes.
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Old 06-02-2010, 08:53 AM
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Originally Posted by froglegs View Post
I am trying to figure out if I am in the right about this situation, or if am wrong.
Froglegs... this phrase jumped out at me... for me... I've had a lifelong habit of wanting being "right" and/or looking for validation. What I finally figured out... is I have to figure out what's right for me... ultimately it doesn't matter what anyone else says or thinks.

If you're uncomfortable about a situation... change it... for you.... if that means throwing the stbx turd to the sidewalk... so be it.

The fact that you recognize the "transitional" pattern... is painful... but perhaps you can and will find the lesson in it.... if that means throwing the stbx turd to the sidewalk... so be it.

For me painful and icky feelings are lifes way of telling me something... something ain't right and it's up to me... to put me in a better place.

BTW...(if I wasn't clear)... you might consider throwing the stbx turd to the sidewalk. ... and steer clear so you don't step in it.
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Old 06-02-2010, 09:23 AM
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he has every right to date, you have every right to not to want to have to deal with that in your home.

it's not about right and wrong, it's about living our lives how we want and allowing others to do the same.

You feel how you feel, and that is entirely appropriate and fine, he feels how he feels, ditto.

you don't need validation here. If you don't want to live with him anymore, that is the end of the story. We don't have to have the high moral ground for our feelings to be okay and legitimate, they just are what they are, and they will change
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Old 06-02-2010, 09:46 AM
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Originally Posted by Hammerhead View Post
BTW...(if I wasn't clear)... you might consider throwing the stbx turd to the sidewalk.


I had this visual of a smelly turd with a guy's head on it, laying sprawled out on the sidewalk whining!
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Old 06-02-2010, 10:34 AM
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You have my vote!

The distasteful, low-class behavior of putting on a show of caring at the meeting and then heading out to see the new gal then making his way home with a smile on his face and a lie on his lips TRUMPS his right as a STB-divorced man to have a social life. If he wants to play field, he can play it, but he has to go somewhere else to do it.

Given that he was quick to say he was leaving is your validation right there. He knows darn right he's an A-hole.

You are going through a rough time right now. You are not being unreasonable. Keep telling yourself that. Shoot, he's supposed to be going through a rough time, too, right? Yeah, he's all tore up about it. Puhlease!

Take care of you!

We're here to support you!

Alice
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Old 06-02-2010, 10:43 AM
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Thanks for the replies....

I am so torn up about this....I feel like I have taken a step backward.
But, I am also proud of myself that I stood my ground. My AH is very good at turning things around on me...so when I am confronting him about this he is saying "well, you are no saint either, you only paid attention to me when you were buzzed (which wasn't often lol)" you didn't give me anything I needed", "she listends to me and actually cares"....
Stuff like that to try and make me feel responsible for whats going on. But I have gotten good at just covering my ears and saying "la la la...done listening"
I have also gotten better with my follow through. I think he is getting the message I am serious. I am sure once he is gone this will be alot easier for me to deal with. I know it is his business to do what he wants to do, everyone handles these situations differently, but I just can't stand there and look at it.

But thanks again for the support. I will get through this one way or another
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Old 06-02-2010, 10:58 AM
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IMHO, his behavior at the seminar and immediately afterwards was inappropriate. Lying just iced the cake.

I believe your discomfort and feelings of taking a step backwards are from your reaction to his behavior. He acted, you reacted.

Be gentle with yourself. You have been taking care of yourself and maintaining peace in your home while the divorce process continues. This situation prompted you to react instead of respond. Progress, not perfection - okay!? Don't beat yourself up over that explosion of emotions. You were being lied to (again) and it triggered you.

Keep taking care of you. We're here to support you!

hijack alert:
to hammerhead: I was reading and hoping you would throw this jewel in one more time!
BTW...(if I wasn't clear)... you might consider throwing the stbx turd to the sidewalk.
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Old 06-02-2010, 11:32 AM
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Originally Posted by froglegs View Post
Thanks for the replies....

I am so torn up about this....I feel like I have taken a step backward.
But, I am also proud of myself that I stood my ground. My AH is very good at turning things around on me...so when I am confronting him about this he is saying "well, you are no saint either, you only paid attention to me when you were buzzed (which wasn't often lol)" you didn't give me anything I needed", "she listends to me and actually cares"....
Stuff like that to try and make me feel responsible for whats going on. But I have gotten good at just covering my ears and saying "la la la...done listening"
I have also gotten better with my follow through. I think he is getting the message I am serious. I am sure once he is gone this will be alot easier for me to deal with. I know it is his business to do what he wants to do, everyone handles these situations differently, but I just can't stand there and look at it.

But thanks again for the support. I will get through this one way or another
It seems to me that he's trying to justify his actions with words like it's your fault. Marc McGuire hit so many Home Runs cause he had a great follow thru. Sounds like yours is getting pretty good too! After he leaves start working on you. AA has a great reference to that," if you work on the solution, the problem goes away". Good luck and God Bless
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Old 06-02-2010, 12:46 PM
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Originally Posted by Pelican View Post
hijack alert:
to hammerhead: I was reading and hoping you would throw this jewel in one more time!
BTW...(if I wasn't clear)... you might consider throwing the stbx turd to the sidewalk.
Heck since I "threw my x turd to the sidewalk" worked so well for me...

I hoped froglegs "throwing the stbx turd to the sidewalk" might in someway be helpful to her...

So if froglegs chooses to "throw the stbx turd to the sidewalk"... would (of course) be strickly be up to her...

but I was hoping she would "throw the stbx turd to the sidewalk"....

if nothing else... at least put one good frogleg foot in a well placed area on his backside... and if he ended up on the sidewalk... well.... hopefully her other foot would be well placed and not step in it

Jewels are sparkly... turds are stinky... :rotfxko
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Old 06-02-2010, 08:35 PM
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Oh boy, does he take the cake....."you are getting a divorce", so he is out of the starting gate. There is a difference between getting and GOT, and he has been still at home with you, in YOUR marital home. If he is ok with adultery, and wants the pretence that he is a free agent.....let him live elsewhere, get her calls etc on his own phone and not track his dirt into your home.
Actually his new gf has aproblem with manners also, phoning on your home phone is the pits. Seems these pair deserve each other.

Stay firm and kep this TURD and his other dirt out of your face.

God bless
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Old 06-03-2010, 07:09 AM
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"she listends to me and actually cares"....
poor woman. What a world of pain that's going to lead to, thankfully you don't have to listen, or care, any more.
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Old 06-03-2010, 08:37 AM
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Originally Posted by JenT1968 View Post
poor woman. What a world of pain that's going to lead to, thankfully you don't have to listen, or care, any more.
Amen!

I once read..... the best revenge... is to let her have him

Take care Froglegs!
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Old 06-03-2010, 08:40 AM
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I found that putting STBXAH on a plane halfway across the country worked well for me... but I love the sidewalk imagery, so carry on!

I agree with the others - what a toxic situation...ick. Be strong!
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