mayday79

I have been w/ my husband for over 15 yrs. I know he has been talking with other women throughout our marriage. He has never admitted to an affair, but I know better. He has been to AA only because he has gotten two DUIs. I've stayed because we have three kids and I am a stay at home mom. Over the years I have tried to hope for the best, but now I'm tired and this weekend proved once and for all that he has a problem. We had a party and everyone was drinking, I seen him touching & flirting with another women inside the pool at the party(in our house). His excuse was that he drank too much and he doesn't remember.I use to never want to drink and party, but he says I never have fun and that was why he usually goes out with his friends.I have been told by various friends that he has made advances and other remarks to other women at get togethers before, but I always blamed the alcohol for his rude behavior. I have never actually seen it with my own two eyes until now, and I feel totally disgusted. I told him to leave and he did, but I know he'll be coming around again when he thinks I'm over it. I always fall for his stories and try to hope for the best. What should I do. Will he really change?

theuncertainty

Hi, Mayday and welcome to SR.

My AH would constantly tell me how OLD I acted. Yes, I did act old and wasn't any fun when he was drinking, because I was always worried about what he would do when he was drinking and about how to make ends meet when he'd drink away most of my paycheck in addition to his - or when he'd decide that I'd stop nagging him about his paycheck by spending it all on an unneccessary and unasked for gift for me and/or our son. What's more, I felt old when dealing with him and the fallout from his drinking.

I'm sorry that you and your kids are going through this and hope you know that you all deserve so much more than this shoddy treatment. No one can say if he'll change, but I know it's up to him.

If you haven't already, you might want to check out a couple Al-Anon meetings. Keep reading and posting here at SR. There are so many here that can offer insight and support.

LaTeeDa

I suppose he could. Or he could continue doing exactly the same things he's been doing for 15 years.

Which do you think is more likely?

L

Trying2Fly

It sounds like he is very happy to point out all the things that are (supposedly) wrong with you. It sounds like he does this to cover up and take the focus off his own issues. It sounds like you are unhappy. Maybe it's time to put you first?

smacked

What an ass. No, he may not change.. being a drunk isn't an excuse for being a cheater. What boundaries are you ready to put in place if you let this jerk back into your home, and around the kids? Like.. no more drinking, for starts? If he's unwilling to drop the bottle then you have your answer about whether or not there's an issue, however it doesn't seem to be an issue for him at all! If it is for YOU, then that's really all you need to know right?

praiseHim

I wouldn't expect any change until he is ready and shows change. I've spent most of my marriage trying to change my dh's behaviors and convince him what was right and wrong. It doesn't work! If he isn't ready to change at this point which it doesn't sound like it, then go to alanon or stay seperated or whatever you need too. All you can change is you. I'm sorry you are having to go through this. My dh was involved with some women online last year and it was devastating for me. He did admit to being wrong after a 5 month seperation and he agreed to boundaries and a filter for the computer and so on. BUT, he didn't realize the extent of why he acted that way till this year when he went to AA and realized some of the reasons why he did that and how horribly he treated me during that time. So a change of his heart and mind can only come on his own, not any change in just behavior or my nagging.

mayday79

Thank you all and I love the Japanese quote... I am looking into getting help for my kids and myself. I have been through too much and since my kids are getting older I hope I can help them too. I need to make sure they are okay, I've tried too many times with my husband and sometimes I think counseling is a waste of time. I do feel like I nag him too much and I'm tired. I feel bad that he has this disease, I had taken care of his mom before she passed away from Hepititas and Cirrhosis of the Liver and I don't want to see him go through that.

dollydo

Hi,

Welcome.

Now you know the truth. He is a roamer and a drinker. Will he change? Maybe, but I wouldn't bet the farm on it.

Have you looked for a meeting in your area? I would suggest you start attending meetings.

Knowledge is power, keep posting, we are here for you.

tjp613

Hi Mayday -- I'm so sorry you are in pain now.

The thing is, even if he quit drinking tomorrow that doesn't mean the other behaviors are going to automatically go away. He'd probably just be a jerk that doesn't drink.

Don't blame yourself for "nagging" too much -- it's a normal reaction -- but it never works to forge any real change. What DOES work is taking the focus off of him and getting it back to you and what YOU want and need. Think about how you want your life to look and then make the changes necessary step by step, day by day. He's gonna do what he's gonna do regardless, so your energy is much better spent working toward your own goals and building a life with and for your children, and focusing on the friends and family that truly love you.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I really am. Do you need some recommendations for reading?

coffeedrinker

Welcome to Sober Recover, Mayday.

I have read on this site several times, "You teach others how to treat you". This is not to say that you want or expect how your husband treats you. But, as they say, "Actions speak louder than words". What are your words? Ok, now what have your actions been?

I say this with a heavy heart myself; I have been coming to terms with how I've allowed a key person in my life to treat me. I told my therapist, "But I've told him what I want, and what I expect." And he said, "Yes, but your actions show otherwise."

Keep coming to this board; there's a wealth of knowledge here.

mayday79

Yes, I am looking for all the help I can get,and thank you.

nodaybut2day

How are you this morning mayday?

mayday79

I'm doing okay. I have been thinking about alot of what everyone posted and I guess I have lost my self worth throughout the years of being with my AH. I do care for him and I feel that I can no longer put myself through anymore of this. I have always made excuses for his behavior, but maybe I didn't want to face the fact that maybe he wasn't interested in me anymore. Seeing him this weekend also made me realize that I don't want to have get togethers where everyone is drinking. I have three beautiful kids and I don't want them to see that. I need to protect them and show them that no one needs to be treated this way.

Freedom1990

This really jumped out at me.

My disease of alcoholism is one of my biggest gifts. Why? It was through my alcoholism that I found recovery.

I don't ever want someone to feel bad or sorry for me because I am an alcoholic, albeit one in recovery.

I don't know of anyone who wants to watch an alcoholic die from hepatitis and/or cirrhosis.

My father had both of his parents die within a year of each other while he was in high school. His mother was 42 and had advanced cirrhosis. His father died drunk in a fire at the club he owned. He was also in his 40's.

He couldn't do anything to save his parents, just as no one could save me from myself.

I am one of the fortunate ones who found and hung onto recovery.

There are a myriad of resources in this day and age to help people recover from alcoholism.

Get yourself a copy of the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. It's an excellent book.

Give Alanon a try. It's been a lifesaver for me (I was married to an alcoholic/addict, and have a 32 year old daughter who's alcoholic/addict).

Give you and your children the gift of healing. It is possible even when a loved one is active in alcoholism.

:ghug3

nodaybut2day

Seeing him this weekend also made me realize that I don't want to have get togethers where everyone is drinking.

Sounds like a wonderful realization.

I need to protect them and show them that no one needs to be treated this way.

Another wonderful realization. How do you want to go about that?

mayday79

I have no clue.... we have so much together (financially) that I have no idea where to start. I have asked him to leave, but it's been only two days and I'm sure he'll be trying to come back soon. I no if I don't do what he wants then he might cut me off financially. I'm just so tired of hearing his lies. He treats me like a fool and I have let him do it for so many years.

LaTeeDa

I would start by consulting with an attorney. Many will give you a 1/2 hour or hour initial consultation at no cost. You don't have to do anything at this point, just gather as much information as you can. That way, when you are ready, you can make the best decisions for yourself and your children.

Edit to add: Try to keep the conversation w/attorney to just business. If you need someone to talk to about the emotional stuff, find a therapist.

L

nodaybut2day

Agreed. I prepared for my consult by brainstorming and then rewriting my questions in point form, to avoid any wasted time and maximize my time with the lawyer. I consulted 3, hired 1, then fired her and hired another one.

My basic list was something like this?
- Custody? Is joint custody mandatory?
- visitation? Determining scheduling?
- Partner's alcoholism, verbal abuse, violent outbursts...supervised visitation?
- Partition of family patrimony: what can I take with me?
- Alimony?
- Child support?
- How long before custody/divorce can be obtained?

Separately, I started making lists of things that popped up in my head:
- Separate bank account
- Closing joint account/credit card
- Stash important papers at work where he can't get them
- Savings/Job ?
- Moving expenses ?
- Daycare for DD
- Furniture needs?
- New place to stay?

When you start to look at all this, specific items will pop up and it'll get you thinking.

Jadmack25

Will he change? Not while he is having it all, whenever he wants.

What he wants is none of my concern, it is what you want that does concern me.
I guess being lied to, cheated on and treated with disrespect and contempt for so long has finally got to it's use by date for you, and now it is time to sort it.

First stop is legal advice from an attorney, second is to get your entitlements to marital property and funds noted, and let this jerk know that his days of free fun are over.

Others have faced this and learned that with a bit of courage, suppoert and determination, they are able to leap over hurdles like athletes.

Reclaim your life and self respect, and get to know the woman you want to be.

God bless

Bernadette

from jadmack: Reclaim your life and self respect, and get to know the woman you want to be.

WOW what an inspiring statement! Thank you jadmack!

mayday, just sending you a shot of courage...
peace-
b