The nightmare never ends
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
The nightmare never ends
This morning I was woken up by the phone call that AH has run away from the hospital sometimes during night. I thought he left to kill himself. All our friends and police were looking for him. They found him few hours later, barefoot, his clothes torn and dirty and all wet. He was halucinating that some men are chasing him and he was running away. They took him to the hospital were he was admitted few days ago, but they transfered him to pshyc ward. They admitted him there but they are saying they can't give him proper treatment for his liver cirrosis there and are afraid of complications. In the same time doctors in the initial hospital are saying they can't have him there until he's mentaly stable.
I've spend the whole day running from one hospital to the other trying to find the best solution, but it seems there is no one at this point. The risks are high either way.
I saw AH this afternoon again and he seems lucid. He is rational about everyting but it is still convinced that someone was after him last night. I told him about the liver not being able to process the toxins and it is affecting his brain, and ask him could he allow the possibility what happened last night were halucinations. He said that's a possibility too. He said it but I don't know does he really believe it.
I wish I could stay out of all this, but that seems like a luxury I can't afford at this time, as this is Bosnia, and the medical system doesn't work well at all. In order to save someone's life family has to get involved all the way and bribes every single member of the medical staff. So it feels I have to do everything in my power to get him the best medical attention so he doesn't end up dead only because the doctors didn't do their job properly.
So I'm on the frontline again.
I wasn't even aware something like this can happen, and to make matters even worse doctors don't even agree if this is DT or enceph. I don't really know much about any of it. I don't even know what to think any more. I just feel so tired. It's been a hell of a day.
Last night I was doing fine, feeling quite relaxed, had an early night and this morining all this nitemare begain. Now I'm even afraid to go to bed, terrified of what tomorrow might bring.
I mean, I was doing fine all day today, wasn't loosing it, I was thinking straight all the time and doing the best thing that needed to be done, but now that I'm back home it all just seems surreal to me. My mind is not ready to start processing these facts. I just feel beaten up and tired. I was working on myself until today, felt in a good place like I can take whatever comes my way, mainly thinking that would be him dieing, but this was the blast I didn't expect. The idea of him wondering the streets in that shape, losing his mind, is just too much.
And I don't know if he can recover from this, I mean this mental state, so if he manages to survive liver cirosis, is there are chance now that he'll stay insane (for the lack of better medical term), or what does all this mean?
It's just so many things are added to the equasion now, and it is just too much for me to deal with at this point.
And I worry for my kids, as whole town is talking about it now, I did explain some of it to them, but I'm worried some kids at school might say something nasty to them.
Sorry this is so long.
I really need your support to start seeing things more clearly.
I've spend the whole day running from one hospital to the other trying to find the best solution, but it seems there is no one at this point. The risks are high either way.
I saw AH this afternoon again and he seems lucid. He is rational about everyting but it is still convinced that someone was after him last night. I told him about the liver not being able to process the toxins and it is affecting his brain, and ask him could he allow the possibility what happened last night were halucinations. He said that's a possibility too. He said it but I don't know does he really believe it.
I wish I could stay out of all this, but that seems like a luxury I can't afford at this time, as this is Bosnia, and the medical system doesn't work well at all. In order to save someone's life family has to get involved all the way and bribes every single member of the medical staff. So it feels I have to do everything in my power to get him the best medical attention so he doesn't end up dead only because the doctors didn't do their job properly.
So I'm on the frontline again.
I wasn't even aware something like this can happen, and to make matters even worse doctors don't even agree if this is DT or enceph. I don't really know much about any of it. I don't even know what to think any more. I just feel so tired. It's been a hell of a day.
Last night I was doing fine, feeling quite relaxed, had an early night and this morining all this nitemare begain. Now I'm even afraid to go to bed, terrified of what tomorrow might bring.
I mean, I was doing fine all day today, wasn't loosing it, I was thinking straight all the time and doing the best thing that needed to be done, but now that I'm back home it all just seems surreal to me. My mind is not ready to start processing these facts. I just feel beaten up and tired. I was working on myself until today, felt in a good place like I can take whatever comes my way, mainly thinking that would be him dieing, but this was the blast I didn't expect. The idea of him wondering the streets in that shape, losing his mind, is just too much.
And I don't know if he can recover from this, I mean this mental state, so if he manages to survive liver cirosis, is there are chance now that he'll stay insane (for the lack of better medical term), or what does all this mean?
It's just so many things are added to the equasion now, and it is just too much for me to deal with at this point.
And I worry for my kids, as whole town is talking about it now, I did explain some of it to them, but I'm worried some kids at school might say something nasty to them.
Sorry this is so long.
I really need your support to start seeing things more clearly.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Sesh, it's the middle of the fire, for you now. Even though it's scorching, it still doesn't change the fact that no matter how worried you get, or how much anxiety you generate, you still do not control what happens, here. Try to remember so much of this is out of your control.
Try to take micro-breaks. Close your eyes, take a deep breath. Exhale and relax, only if for one moment, one breath. Do this every so often. Take care of YOU.
We are here, listening, with our support.
Hugs to you,
CLMI
Try to take micro-breaks. Close your eyes, take a deep breath. Exhale and relax, only if for one moment, one breath. Do this every so often. Take care of YOU.
We are here, listening, with our support.
Hugs to you,
CLMI
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 223
Why are you in Bosnia, is that where you live? If you are an american citizen, can you have him sedated and sent home for better medical care? This does sound like a horrible nightmare. Wishing you the best of luck and blessings.
Persevere, Never give up!
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Stellenbosch, South Africa
Posts: 882
Sesh, you are in my prayers. GOD's everlasting arms are underneath you right now, and are carrying you through, cast all your cares on HIM and HE will give you rest! Hand your AH over to HIM. Thinking of you in this really difficult time. (((HUGS)))
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Sesh,
(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
Is there a good nurse involved who you can talk to at the hospital? Often nurses have a little more insight into the prognosis because they spend the most time with the patient and they have seen it all many times before. It sounds like the doctors aren't giving you enough information. I'm a nursing student and I have seen many times in the hospital the nurse is the one who takes the time to educate the family about the reality of the disease.
If it was possible to have a very frank discussion w/ his doctor and tell him you just want the whole truth and nothing but the truth do you think they would be more forthcoming?
His future health depends on the level of his cirrhosis. If it is mild, the liver can recover pretty well, but he'd have to stop drinking 100% and eat very healthy foods. If it is advanced cirrhosis there comes a point where the liver just cannot recover anymore and the care would probably be palliative - there are drugs and procedures to help with the pain, bloating, and the mental confusion, but they can't "cure" the liver as I'm sure you know.
I recently had to take care of a patient with advanced cirrhosis. The doctors and nurses were trying for a long time to balance his level of consciousness with his comfort. The more conscious he was, the more pain he had and the more irrational he was. His wife kept saying "This is not H. He would never speak to me or behave this way..." because he was acting completely out of his mind. But when the doctors gave him more medications he would be almost completely non-responsive.
Very big (((((((hugs)))))) to you and your kids. Him running off and hallucinating is TOO much to deal with. I hope you have some people you can lean on for support and love at this time. :-(
peace-
b
(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
Is there a good nurse involved who you can talk to at the hospital? Often nurses have a little more insight into the prognosis because they spend the most time with the patient and they have seen it all many times before. It sounds like the doctors aren't giving you enough information. I'm a nursing student and I have seen many times in the hospital the nurse is the one who takes the time to educate the family about the reality of the disease.
If it was possible to have a very frank discussion w/ his doctor and tell him you just want the whole truth and nothing but the truth do you think they would be more forthcoming?
His future health depends on the level of his cirrhosis. If it is mild, the liver can recover pretty well, but he'd have to stop drinking 100% and eat very healthy foods. If it is advanced cirrhosis there comes a point where the liver just cannot recover anymore and the care would probably be palliative - there are drugs and procedures to help with the pain, bloating, and the mental confusion, but they can't "cure" the liver as I'm sure you know.
I recently had to take care of a patient with advanced cirrhosis. The doctors and nurses were trying for a long time to balance his level of consciousness with his comfort. The more conscious he was, the more pain he had and the more irrational he was. His wife kept saying "This is not H. He would never speak to me or behave this way..." because he was acting completely out of his mind. But when the doctors gave him more medications he would be almost completely non-responsive.
Very big (((((((hugs)))))) to you and your kids. Him running off and hallucinating is TOO much to deal with. I hope you have some people you can lean on for support and love at this time. :-(
peace-
b
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 545
Sesh, sorry to hear the latest. My thoughts are with you all.
Can you try some local charities? If only I could speak the language, I would offer to spread the load in searching. I know (second hand) of the problem of getting help for someone with mental health and addiction problems. This is a by-product of the "labelling" that goes on, but that is for when I am on my sopbox, not for now. Charities are more likely to be more open-minded and holistic, perhaps?
PM if I can be of any assistance at all.
Can you try some local charities? If only I could speak the language, I would offer to spread the load in searching. I know (second hand) of the problem of getting help for someone with mental health and addiction problems. This is a by-product of the "labelling" that goes on, but that is for when I am on my sopbox, not for now. Charities are more likely to be more open-minded and holistic, perhaps?
PM if I can be of any assistance at all.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
Sesh, I really want to send you my best. I can't do anything for you, and I wish I could. It's amazing that we, in America, feel so close to you way over there in Bosnia, but you may as well be right next door, I feel so close to you and what you're going through.
The ONLY thing that helps me sometimes when I'm trying to figure out how things get so much worse before they get better is this "old new-agey" thought by a woman called Catherine Ponder. The idea is about "chemicalization" and how when you're trying to straighten things out, it's like cleaning out your closet,where you have to get all the stuff out and make it really messy before you can put it back right:
I am sending you lots of prayers, sesh.
The ONLY thing that helps me sometimes when I'm trying to figure out how things get so much worse before they get better is this "old new-agey" thought by a woman called Catherine Ponder. The idea is about "chemicalization" and how when you're trying to straighten things out, it's like cleaning out your closet,where you have to get all the stuff out and make it really messy before you can put it back right:
"Recently a civil service employee in a distant city said, "I have your book, The Dynamic Laws of Prosperity, and it is the best book on the subject I have ever read. For a time, I worked with the laws you described and they brought dynamic good into my life. But suddenly, I am frightened and discouraged. The last few weeks, everything seems to have gone in reverse. What has happened?"
That lady was relieved to learn that another dynamic law was working for her-the law of chemicalization.
You've heard it said that things have to get worse sometimes before they can get better; that the getting worse process is actually a part of the improvement process; that what seems failure is actually success being born in the situation. That's chemicalization!
Chemicalization sounds like a negative process, but actually it is a very positive one, a natural, normal one. Though it is an uncomfortable experience, it is worth going through, because it is always a sign that cleansing is taking place. Something higher and better always results from this experience.
When these periods come, remind yourself, "This is nothing to fear. This is not evil. There Is only good at work In this experience. Healing Is now taking place In my world. I rest, relax and let It." As you nonresistantly meet chemicalization in this way, very soon brighter conditions will appear.
Emmet Fox has described the healing process of chemicalization:
It seems as though everything begins to go wrong at once. This may be disconcerting, but it is really a good sign. Suppose your whole world seems to rock on its foundation. Hold on steadily, and let it rock, and when the rocking is over, the picture will have reassembled itself into something much nearer to your heart's desire.
Chemicalization means that things are coming out In a better state of affairs than ever before. Regardless of what seems to be happening, It never means anything else. When a physical or mental disturbance arises after your deliberate use of right thinking, it is always a sign that your right thinking is at work clearing out the negative, so that the positive power of good can gain complete dominion of your world.
I hope you don't think this is too simplistic an idea for the horror you are going through. I'm sharing what I have found to be a useful understanding of the pain we go through to get to a better place.That lady was relieved to learn that another dynamic law was working for her-the law of chemicalization.
You've heard it said that things have to get worse sometimes before they can get better; that the getting worse process is actually a part of the improvement process; that what seems failure is actually success being born in the situation. That's chemicalization!
Chemicalization sounds like a negative process, but actually it is a very positive one, a natural, normal one. Though it is an uncomfortable experience, it is worth going through, because it is always a sign that cleansing is taking place. Something higher and better always results from this experience.
When these periods come, remind yourself, "This is nothing to fear. This is not evil. There Is only good at work In this experience. Healing Is now taking place In my world. I rest, relax and let It." As you nonresistantly meet chemicalization in this way, very soon brighter conditions will appear.
Emmet Fox has described the healing process of chemicalization:
It seems as though everything begins to go wrong at once. This may be disconcerting, but it is really a good sign. Suppose your whole world seems to rock on its foundation. Hold on steadily, and let it rock, and when the rocking is over, the picture will have reassembled itself into something much nearer to your heart's desire.
Chemicalization means that things are coming out In a better state of affairs than ever before. Regardless of what seems to be happening, It never means anything else. When a physical or mental disturbance arises after your deliberate use of right thinking, it is always a sign that your right thinking is at work clearing out the negative, so that the positive power of good can gain complete dominion of your world.
I am sending you lots of prayers, sesh.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Somewhere, our planet
Posts: 174
Sesh,
Sending you good thoughts today. I am so sorry that you are going through this--yes it is 100 % painful and difficult, but know that we are all here for you and will support you and help you through this.
I'm thinking of you today and sending you hugs.
Sending you good thoughts today. I am so sorry that you are going through this--yes it is 100 % painful and difficult, but know that we are all here for you and will support you and help you through this.
I'm thinking of you today and sending you hugs.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
Thank you all. Your posts are very helpful.
An hour ago I felt I can't breath, I could barely speak, I felt in so much pain. But than I started thinking about all you said here and reminded myself I have a choice here too: I can either keep going crazy or I can take a step back and say what needs to be will be. I turnes out I could do the second as feeling utterly and completely desperate anything that can remove me a least just a little bit from that feeling is possible to do. So I've spent last half of the hour doing my nails, like there is no any other thing in the world. I'm kind of breathing again. I'm repeating to myself I can not in any way inffluence what is going to happen during this night. That feels good enough for now. I can't think further in the future. But still in the same time I think I never thought this amount of pain is even possible. Like every part of my soul aches.
I have to be strong for my kids. My 6 yo son asked me tonite if daddy is going to die. I dind't know what to say. I just said we have to hope that he will not and the doctors are doing everything to help him.
I wish I could cry to relive some of this pain, and to be stronger for my kids tomorrow, but I can't. I'm terrified my phone can ring any minute and I'll face some more horrible news.
I'm thinking of the things I'm greateful for, and there is so many of them, but it doesn't stop my pain.
I can't even stop writing this post as I don't know what will I do than.
I keep saying to myself HP will work the things for the best, I have to have faith, but still I'm hurting so much.
But I guess there is no other way about it, I just have to go through this.
You know how usually when we deal with pain, we always have some kind of sheild from it, it's always partial at best but it's always there. But now there is none of it for me, there is no room for bargaining here, there is no any kind of defense mechanism, there is no anger, nothing but me completely vulnerable and exposed.
SoloMio I like what you said about chemicalization.
Thank you all for your prayers and kind words.
An hour ago I felt I can't breath, I could barely speak, I felt in so much pain. But than I started thinking about all you said here and reminded myself I have a choice here too: I can either keep going crazy or I can take a step back and say what needs to be will be. I turnes out I could do the second as feeling utterly and completely desperate anything that can remove me a least just a little bit from that feeling is possible to do. So I've spent last half of the hour doing my nails, like there is no any other thing in the world. I'm kind of breathing again. I'm repeating to myself I can not in any way inffluence what is going to happen during this night. That feels good enough for now. I can't think further in the future. But still in the same time I think I never thought this amount of pain is even possible. Like every part of my soul aches.
I have to be strong for my kids. My 6 yo son asked me tonite if daddy is going to die. I dind't know what to say. I just said we have to hope that he will not and the doctors are doing everything to help him.
I wish I could cry to relive some of this pain, and to be stronger for my kids tomorrow, but I can't. I'm terrified my phone can ring any minute and I'll face some more horrible news.
I'm thinking of the things I'm greateful for, and there is so many of them, but it doesn't stop my pain.
I can't even stop writing this post as I don't know what will I do than.
I keep saying to myself HP will work the things for the best, I have to have faith, but still I'm hurting so much.
But I guess there is no other way about it, I just have to go through this.
You know how usually when we deal with pain, we always have some kind of sheild from it, it's always partial at best but it's always there. But now there is none of it for me, there is no room for bargaining here, there is no any kind of defense mechanism, there is no anger, nothing but me completely vulnerable and exposed.
SoloMio I like what you said about chemicalization.
Thank you all for your prayers and kind words.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Originally Posted by theuncertainty 
Hi, Sesh. Wishing you strength and hugs for you and your kids.
Remember that as you are doing the things you need to do that you are NOT responsible for the outcome. Bad news is bad, feeling like the outcome is in your hands is crushing and impossible. You can do the right things, but let go of the outcomes for they are not yours to manage.
Hugs and strength for you and your family.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
Oh sesh, sending you much support and many hugs!
I've been drawn to your avatar, the tornado. Last summer I had dreams of tornadoes and studied those dreams...at that time a friend of mine said that I needed to "batten down the hatches, your tornado is on it's way."
sesh, this seems like your tornado, and yet you end your posts with a beautiful quote from one of my favorite poems of all time:
"It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul." - W.E. Henley
You, sesh, are going to survive the tornado. You are the master of your fate, and the captain of your soul.
We're here to hold the light for you. Keep posting, knowing this is not going to last, it is but a moment in time. You can do this.
Love,
posie
I've been drawn to your avatar, the tornado. Last summer I had dreams of tornadoes and studied those dreams...at that time a friend of mine said that I needed to "batten down the hatches, your tornado is on it's way."
sesh, this seems like your tornado, and yet you end your posts with a beautiful quote from one of my favorite poems of all time:
"It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul." - W.E. Henley
You, sesh, are going to survive the tornado. You are the master of your fate, and the captain of your soul.
We're here to hold the light for you. Keep posting, knowing this is not going to last, it is but a moment in time. You can do this.
Love,
posie
Sobriety Date: Feb 2009
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Osaka, Jpn
Posts: 389
Sash!
I am alcoholic. When I was hitting rock bottom, I also hallucinated and had an epileptic. I recovered. I think cirrhosis is the main problem. You just take care of you and your son.
You are in my prayers.
I am alcoholic. When I was hitting rock bottom, I also hallucinated and had an epileptic. I recovered. I think cirrhosis is the main problem. You just take care of you and your son.
You are in my prayers.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
Thanks you my friends,
your words are helping me so much. I'm in a much better place today.
Yesterday was just one shock after the other all day long, and I felt terrible as the doctors in the pshyc ward told me they are not capable of giving him proper care, and he shouldn't be left there, but the other hospital wouldn't have him.
This morning AH was lucid, the shrink didn't think he's likely to have more episodes like that, and we transfered him back to the initial hospital where they can treat his liver.
It is very critical, but still there is a some chance he could pull through, how big that chance is no one can know at this point.
But that's ok. I know I'm powerless in that situation and it is up to HP.
I did all I could do and there is a comfort in that. He's were he needs to be, it was in my power to make that happen and I did. Now I don't have control over the outcome and that is fine. I'm hurting so much, but in the same time I have my peace back.
your words are helping me so much. I'm in a much better place today.
Yesterday was just one shock after the other all day long, and I felt terrible as the doctors in the pshyc ward told me they are not capable of giving him proper care, and he shouldn't be left there, but the other hospital wouldn't have him.
This morning AH was lucid, the shrink didn't think he's likely to have more episodes like that, and we transfered him back to the initial hospital where they can treat his liver.
It is very critical, but still there is a some chance he could pull through, how big that chance is no one can know at this point.
But that's ok. I know I'm powerless in that situation and it is up to HP.
I did all I could do and there is a comfort in that. He's were he needs to be, it was in my power to make that happen and I did. Now I don't have control over the outcome and that is fine. I'm hurting so much, but in the same time I have my peace back.
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