Sweetrefinnej71

My husband has a sever drinking problem. I cant stand him when he's intoxicated but I still feel sorry for him and let him drink because i know how hard it is to be sober. I'm a sypathetic enabler....He drinks 1.5 -2 pints of Vodka a night. I have tried threatening...getting mad..being nice...pleading..crying..even bribing but he doesnt even try. What can i do..im too weak still getting off Prescription drugs myself, I'm not strong enough for his problem much less my own. I just dont know what do to.

ninja7

Hi, SF! Welcome to SR! Here you can get lots of advice from people who have experience. You should read and write posters here. You can change only yourself. You can not change your AH. You should change yourself. Try to be sober. You can also visit AA and Al-anon meeting. There are lots of friendly people who advice you and let you vent.

Sweetrefinnej71

I feel helpless like im suppose to help him get better. It kills me to see him like that knowing it's only a matter of time till the alcahol starts (if it hasnt already) taking a toll on his body. I can't bear the thought of losing him. He's the perfect man when he's sober and completely opposite in every way when he's drunk.

Sweetrefinnej71

and aslo, Ty ninja7 . How can I convince him that coming home every night and drinking till he passes out is killing him slowly and our marriage? When I even say the word "drunk" or "alcohol" he sighs and dismisses me. I feel like I fail cuz i cant help him.

ninja7

I am afraid that I think you can not change and convince him at all in terms of drinking. You can change just yourself only.

Sweetrefinnej71

I feel helpless like im suppose to help him get better. It kills me to see him like that knowing it's only a matter of time till the alcahol starts (if it hasnt already) taking a toll on his body. I can't bear the thought of losing him. He's the perfect man when he's sober and completely opposite in every way when he's drunk. and aslo, Ty ninja7 . How can I convince him that coming home every night and drinking till he passes out is killing him slowly and our marriage? When I even say the word "drunk" or "alcohol" he sighs and dismisses me. I feel like I fail cuz i cant help him.

Dee74

Welcome to SR Sweetrefinnej71

It's really difficult to give up that 'if only I could/if only did' mindset - I know - but I hope you can.

The important person to take care of here is you right now - not your husband.
Work on your sobriety - he's his own responsibility.

I'm an alcoholic and whatever I did, or didn't do, it was noones fault but mine.

Like Ninja said, we can only change ourselves, not someone else.
I believe the desire to change for an addict has to be an internal one or it just won't work

I know you'll find a lot of support here

D

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

Pull out the keyboard and make yourself at home. I recommend reading some of the permanent posts (stickies) at the top of this forum. You will find some of our stories posted there as well as lots of information and wisdom.

I had to accept the three C's of addiction in trying to deal with my alcoholic spouse:

I did not cause the addiction
I can not control the addiction
I will not cure the addiction.

I had to deal with my own recovery. I had to let the other adult in my relationship deal with their own life. It means detaching (with love) from the other adult and taking better care of myself.

We are here to support you as you conquer your own addiction and take control of your own life.

Bucyn

How do you 'let' him drink? If you have the power to let him drink, then this is simply solved: don't 'let' him drink.

However, I'm guessing you like everyone else dealing with an alcoholic don't have any power at all to let or not let him drink. The first step in dealing with the problem is to completely understand that you have nothing to do with his drinking or not drinking; there is no 'letting' or 'not letting'.

The choice seems to be: 1. you make life hard on yourself and easy on him so that he drinks, or 2. you make life easy on yourself, which is hard on him so he drinks.

If you choose number 2, he will likely make your life hell and if you don't capitulate, he'll find somone else who will assume the burden of his life, and try to live the easy life off that person. But at least you will be able to improve the quality of your life--in effect, both of you will have better lives.

There are some choices you don't get EVER: you don't get to choose when he drinks, how much, if it harms his body, and if it kills him. He gets to make those choices--and only him. It doesn't matter how perfect he is or how much you love him--the choice is his.

I saw this on an old tombstone once: "If Love Could Have Saved You, You Would Have Lived Forever". Love doesn't save anyone, it is NOT enough.

I'm sorry for your heartbreak, there's a lot of it here. But not a lot of choices. Choices come down to, do you save yourself or get dragged into the insanity of alcohlism with him. People sometimes think there's the choice of you saving you both, but that's impossible. People sometimes think they can learn to live happily with the insanity, but that doesn't seem to work much either. Not happily.