steph1972

Its been a week since I kicked my husband out of the house....I havent heard from him...which is a good thing...Most of the week has been okay. A few sad moments in there...well maybe a bit more than a few, but I'll be okay...Spent this weekend at the lake with my son...hiking and fishing...When I got home there was a voicemail from my mother in law. My husband told her that he didn't do anything to deserve being kicked out of his house. That I have a boyfriend and that's why I want him gone....LOL...And he also told her that I am taking his son away from him....HE did that...Not me...I didn't make him behave the way that he did. Anyway, my mother in law is yelling at me on the phone....I attempted to defend my self for a few minutes...but got upset and hung up on her...Is it not bad enough what he did??? He has to lie to his mother to make me the bad guy? I know this shouldn't bother me this much...But I have known and loved this woman for many years. I didn't create this mess....It hurts....Do I try to talk to her? Why would he lie like that? UGH

Pelican

(((Steph)))

I'm sorry that you had to listen to that from someone you care about. I'm afraid that she was reacting instead of responding to the news. Maybe she will come around after a few days of considering the circumstances. However, she may choose to believe his lies and live in her own denial.

The legal system believes you. We believe you. Your dad believes you.

Be gentle with yourself. You can vent your frustration here and with your Alanon friends. You may want to write a letter to her explaining the circumstances, but not mailing the letter. The writing is a form of therapy for you. Your words won't change her mind, only her understanding will change her thoughts.

posiesperson

Steph,

I'm so sorry. I know when I broke up with my exA I suddenly had the insight, "I always assume the best of someone, and I want others to assume the best of me." It's been a painful but profoundly helpful process to move into the arena of "they're going to think whatever they think, and that has nothing to do with me..."

Felt like a huge leap, believe me. But with the help of Alanon and posting here I'm learning to "live and let live" a little at a time. Your MIL has her own pain, her own process, and her own Higher Power. She also grieves for her son, as do you, and she'll have to find her own way through that pain...as do you. It really isn't necessarily personal, even though it sure as heck feels like it, through and through. It gets better with time and support.

Glad you found us,
posie

steph1972

Thank you both for a little outside perspective. I know I wasn't seeing the situation clearly. Man this is so hard. The whole situation. I feel like I have lost his whole family, but hopefully I can get them to understand that they still need to be grandparents. I want them to see and spend time with my son. He needs as many family members as he can get. I will leave her a voicemail tomorrow stating that to her. She can see my son anytime she wants. I just hope she doesnt stop seeing him because she is mad at me. I don't want him to loose grandparents too. But I cant control that.

Someday I will feel better right??? someone?? anyonne???? I feel edgy and tense...I know my goal is to have a peaceful safe home for my child....I will get there....Alanon..........Save me...lol

WizeDeb

When AH separated my mother in law would call me all the time telling me how upset he was, and blah blah, sometimes she was even nasty. I asked her WHAT ABOUT ME? For years I felt dead inside, they knew the abuse and his drinking problem. Finally I had to put my foot down and tell NOT to call me unless it was an emergency. Set some boundries with her. Its her son and she will never see your side.

Jazzman

Blood is thicker than water. Of course he's going to make you the bad guy, of course she's going to take his side.

If she was active in your sons life she could be feeling threatened that she might loose contact with her grandson, could explain all the emotion. Maybe after she calms down a bit the two of you can have a productive conversation about it.

And you will feel better. As some one from the other side I'm here to tell you it gets better. A lot better.

posiesperson

steph I completely agree with what's been posted here. And yes, you will feel better, it won't always feel this awful. It's so, so hard when we're learning to do things differently, it's bound to feel uncomfortable and upsetting.

Believe me, her intense reaction isn't about you (intense reactions aren't about the person they are unleashed upon...it's something much deeper). Try to hold onto that thought...it's been my sanity at times when my emotions were running wild and I have my own intense reactions that I know are deeply rooted in my own grief.

Find a whole lot of people who can see you for YOU. Your MIL is not going to be one of them, she's probably not going to understand, she's going to be thinking about things from her son's perspective...it's a losing battle for you. I'd recommend that you try to expect NOTHING from her. Are you going to Alanon?

hugs,
posie