praiseHim

I've read and have seen the effects of alcohol on my kids, but what can I do to help them? I'm working on myself with the help of alanon, my dh is seeking help through AA and we are both in counseling. We are also separated. We are going to get the kids in counseling and family counseling. Any other things that are helpful that I can do in the mean time?
Thanks

catlovermi

You don't say what age your kids are, but Al-Ateen or their literature might be a good place to start.

Familiarizing yourself with Alcoa (Adult Children of Alcoholics) literature would also be educational for you, to show you what forces are in play that affect children growing up in households with alcoholism, and what the effects end up being. Even though your children are now not in a household with an active alcoholic, and the alcoholic is in a recovery program, they did encounter these forces and will have some results from this.

CLMI

Starburst

Thanks for that info catlover, im going to check it out, I have 2 girls 7 and 9, they are not aware of AD drinking yet, trying to keep them out of it as long as I can. Luckily he drinks in secret, so they wouldnt understand his strange moods, he does have a short temper, from time to time, so they write it off to that.

catlovermi

I'd like to point out that "they are not aware" is a fallacy every shielding parent wants to believe. Just take a poll on the ALCOA board. Children know something is not right, from the earliest ages possible. They feel the instability, the stress, the uncertainty of something not being "normal." This is one of the things that damages them... the fact that they feel something wrong, and nobody acknowledges it or explains it to them. They live in a reality that has no validation... that there are things NOT RIGHT in their reality, and they are NOT imagining them.

CLMI

catlovermi

Oops. I have typo fingers today.

The correct acronym is ACOA.

We are not talking about an aluminum company of America, we are talking Adult Children Of Alcoholics.

Beantowngirl

This is absolutely correct, this actually describes my childhood pretty accurately. And on the surface I seemed fine, and grew up to be very accomplished, But, big surprise, I also grew up to date a heroin addict.

Jazzman

The ACOA forum is full of people who's sober parent though they were fine. I hope you're not fooling yourself at the expense of your childrens emotional health, and I'm sure you don't mean them any harm.

I wish every parent on this forum would spend one evening reading posts in the ACOA forum. A real eye opener for sure.

praiseHim

My kids are 13,11, 8, 6. They are totally aware of what is going on and all affected in their own way. They don't see him drinking, but they know he does and they are affected by everything going on. A counselor told me a couple weeks ago that children always are aware of much more than we think they know. I have so much guilt over how my children have been affected. I'm considering alateen for my older 2, but can't find a local group. I've seen some books that looked helpful too. The counselor also said to answer questions in an age appropriate way, don't deny what is going on, listen and validate their feelings and ask them if there is anything that they want to talk about. I gave my older 2 journals to write in and explained that this is a hard time on all of us and that sometimes it is helpful to get feelings out on paper to vent. I told them I do the same thing as well. My oldest already said she wrote 6 pages and that she wrote a story about what is going on. She loves to write stories, so I think this ended up being a great outlet for her. I'm trying to keep things stable and routine and just listen to their feelings and consider their feelings in decisions I'm making too.

catlovermi

These are wonderful things.

Two other ideas:

All people like to know they are not alone, not unique freaks. We do this by finding those LIKE US, and then we don't feel like we're in outer space. Your coming here is one example, or going to alanon. Likewise, for kids, it's really useful if they have opportunity to meet those "like them" or other kids from alcoholic households. Perhaps you would find a suitable opportunity through folks in your alanon groups, who might be established in their recovery and have kids who could mingle with yours a bit.

Secondly, kids need to know what functional looks like, what normal is. The first characteristic listed for Adult Children of Alcoholics is that they grow up not knowing what normal is, and then having to guess. This builds a sense of surrealism into them, makes them feel that they are deficient, because they never feel secure knowing what normal is. Finding opportunities for your kids to see nuclear families without addiction would also be useful - what does such a family "feel" like, on the inside, what is the home like, how do the mom and dad act around each other, what is normal?

Kids just take whatever life dishes them. They don't know any differently. They don't have a lot of power over their lives. So it's really helpful for their adults to facilitate mental landscapes. Help them build a picture of what addiction is in their life, how it has affected them. Help them build a picture of what normal should look like, too. When they have mental road-maps, they can begin to navigate.

CLMI

Pelican

I took my oldest two to an open Alanon meeting. Open Alanon meetings are like Open AA meetings. There is the reading of the steps and traditions followed by a guest speaker. The guest speaker tells their story of living with addiction and how they improved their lives with the help of 12 step recovery programs.

My children were 16 and 13 at the time.

My oldest understood everything. My youngest had a few questions. They both walked away from the meeting with the understanding that they were not alone. Alcoholism affects lots of families.

My children and I have continued to have open discussions about alcoholism and recovery.

You are a good mom!

Beantowngirl

I forgot to mention that I also am not currently speaking to either of my parents, mostly because they are unable to acknowledge there is an actual problem, or even when I am able to get them to admit there was a problem they claim I was 'shielded' from it. For me, the most damaging part of my childhood was the lack of acknowledgement that things were not 'normal'. It took a lot of therapy and going 'no contact' with my parents before I could get to the point where I could admit on my own that things truly were not as they should have been.

So, to the OP, I would say that the main thing you can do for your children is acknowledge that things are not currently normal or healthy, and talk a LOT about that with them. It will truly help them later in life.

Starburst

To some extent I must say I agree, but being one myself, i am not sure what damaged me more, the divorce or the drinking, in theory at 3 years old I could not have known my dad was an alcoholic, not until I was about 11 or so did I truely know something else was a problem. My children have no idea, we are in so much financial problems they would just take it as that being the stressor.

catlovermi

Being one yourself... you grew up and married what... another alcoholic. You grew up to make the same sort of relationship and home structure that you were exposed to as a young child. You may go on to repeat the stress and divorce you experienced, as well.

Your kids will then go on to repeat the cycle, because they were formed under the same mold. It's not just the tangibles that are imprinted onto kids, it's also the intangibles. They are learning that home life is chaotic, stressful, insecure. That marriage is unstable, stressful, made of angry whispers and secrets, and hidden fights. That adults show you one version of themselves in front of you, but another, secret, dark version happens behind closed doors. That you make the most of being unhappy, in life, and just put up with it. That this is "normal."

I'd encourage you to immerse yourself in ACOA reading and see the subtle and yet profound effects of this type of childhood. Get the real scoop on where your kids are heading. There tends to be a chasm between what parents think their kids are experiencing, and what they actually are experiencing.

In the same way kids can't "see" the alcoholism happening, the parents can't "see" the damage the kids are sustaining, being formed under these circumstances.

This is a cunning and powerful FAMILY disease. Just ask around.

CLMI

brundle

I think the fact that you aren't still in the same house is a huge step. My children are older and I've only been out for about 7 months. I did everything while still in my marriage but kept watching them decline. They are now 23 and 18. Since we are out I am still pushing therapy, Al-Anon, and church (I think faith and forgiveness helps).

They still need time and space to deal with all that happened with my AH; not their real dad. The last time they saw their real dad was 9 years ago, that puts them at 14 and 9. He is also an addict. It's taken that long for them to want to see him again from the stuff that was going on at that time. It seems he is in recovery and they are taking it slow.

My advice is do all you possibly can for them. Get help for yourself. Love them and live for them. Don't go home until your husband has be clean a year. If he can't stay clean don't go home at all. Even if you stay married it's better not to be in it full-time... Just my two cents...

Hugs,
Nan

Starburst

I dont know really how to explain this to you all. My mom was young and silly, totally married the wrong person, didnt know until they were on honeymoom that my dad was an A, apparantly a violent one, have no recollection of this at all, they divorced i was 3, didnt see him again until I was 11, my mom moved in with my stepdad then and they are still together 30 yrs later. My Husband was cleaned up before I married him, never dreamed he would slip def. not after 7 years, i am a Christian, i believe marriage is for the good, bad and ugly times! we have to faith in HP that the men/women we married will be cured, if I had a terminal illness, I pray he would not leave me, just because i was acting out of Character. I am very close to my girls, they are both fine and are not declining. There will be no divorce! HP is able to do what man cannot do, love is unconditional. He is good to the kids.

LaTeeDa

IMO, this is the most damaging part of growing up in an alcoholic home. The hiding, the lying, the dishonesty, the walking on eggshells, the shame of it all. It wasn't my father's drinking and gambling that scarred me emotionally. It was the pretending everything was okay, when clearly it wasn't. It was having a mother that went from despair to seething rage in an instant. It was the yelling and fighting when my parents thought I was asleep. The uncertainty and instability of never having enough to make ends meet. And, most of all, the shame of knowing that my family was "different" from normal families, but I dare not say a word about it.........

Divorce or no divorce, you are hurting your children by pretending.

L

nowinsituation

I grew up in a nice "normal" upper middle class home. My mother was a SAHM who greeted me and my brother and sister with cookies and milk every day after school. We had a beautiful home on a beautiful farm that has been in my family for almost 100 years.

Yet, my sister divorced her abusive alcoholic husband after she found out he was cheating on her just short of their 5-year anniversary (no children); and she is currently involved in a long-term relationship with (IMHO) another tamer, non-abusive, alcoholic. My brother divorced his abusive alcoholic wife after 10 years of marriage -- and god only knows the damage that was done to their now 20 yr old son. Me (because I played the role of perfect child -- one of the standard ACOA roles) stayed married to my alky for 25 years. His progression to alcholism was slow, and we had a lot of good years; but the progression was unstoppable.....

Where did this pattern come from? I rarely saw my dad drunk (maybe once that I remember), my mom NEVER drank. They never fought. My mom took me aside one day after I separated from my AH and told me that she knew he was an A, she could tell, as my Dad was an A also; and she had considered leaving him many times. I was absolutely shocked.

In therapy I am working through an ACOA book -- there are parts I still argue with my therapist about -- it cannot apply to me, I did not know anything about the alcoholism??? She brings me back down to reality -- that it is more about the behavior patterns. The patterns are clearly there....

praiseHim

I grew up in a "normal and stable" home as well. My parents both did not drink. I don't know why I picked an alcoholic to marry. I got pregnant young at 16 and I married at 17. My dad has some addictive traits, although, not to alcohol or substances and I felt like I needed to please my mom and I viewed her as controlling and perfectionist. I'm sure these things play into my own marriage. I was also abused sexually in a dating relationship before that one time and then I got out of that situation immediately.

Starburst

Hi PraiseHim, when I read this, i really wonder to myself, we all have our problems, maybe its the crowd we hang out with, or perhaps like me we continually trying to find some sort of love? Been thinking alot yesterday, to be honest, i think i am more mad or disappointed with my mom, more than my AD, why? well she divorced him when i was 3, had no contact with him that i can remember until at least 11, up until then we lived in CT and when i was 10 my mom put me in a boarding school, that was very traumatizing, then took me out a year later, moved me up to JHB, totally strange! She was always bitter and angry, i just felt she never supported me emotionally. Then I think of my dad, i really loved him, he was never mean to me at all, he never drank around me. So now i put it down to, if the family and my mom had not told me he was a violent A, (have no idea where violence comes in, he was as meek as a lamb?) I have no violent traits in me, yes anger, which i see in my mom a lot. So say i never met him and nobody told me of his problems, how could i say my problems stem from an A, my problems stem more from my mom, not accepting she rushed into a marriage to a guy 10 yrs older and knew nothing about him and then when i was born, she had nothing but complications with me, i was a very unhealthy baby, she blames me for a lot and perhaps him more, so how do i deal with this all?

If you have read this far, thanks, been trying to organize it all in my mind, come up blank.

praiseHim

I think that growing up in an alcoholic family will affect a child and their choices later on, that has been proven time and time again. But, we can grow up fairly well or in a disfunctional family that isn't alcoholic and still have it have an affect on us. I think that there are so many factors that play into things. Our family, our friends, our environment, our upbringing, extended family, our choices and so on.

My kids are already affected, I can already see how each one fits into the roles that families take on. Dh and I are the alcoholic and codependent. My kids are the scapegoat, lost child/clown, caretaker, and hero. I struggle so much with what they are going through and how each is hurting. I'm trying to get each one help and treat them each as their own individual.