thequest

I'm dealing with one family member with all sorts of issues including excessive drinking. And after watching shows like Celebrity Rehab or Intervention etc this got me thinking about entire family as far excessive drinking. Definately have/had parents that drink well into their old age. The biggest thing I notice as an adult is that they actually get drunk. BUT their drinking never cost them something like a job or money-that I know of. At the sametime time their demeanors & attitudes have changed little over the years.

Have some relatives where I've seen and herd about them drinking by 2-3 in the afternoon being able to smell their breath and see the smirk on their face by 4:00. Problems is all the older relatives who drink have had kids that have or had alcohol & drug problems, especially with the youngest generation.

Did alcohol abuse itself lead to their issues and their kid's problems? Or is this a sign of something else?

Is it common for a senior to get fired up as an alcoholic not violent but becoming much more aggressive and/or assertive?

Pelican

How exactly are you dealing? What steps are you taking to take better care of yourself?

You have been posting your concerns with family members(one in particular) for almost a month, have you been able to change them thus far?

Your concerns with alcoholism, substance abuse and other issues with your family are your concerns. Period. They are causing you discomfort. You did not cause their issues. You can not control their issues. You will not cure their issues. You are powerless over their issues.

Your power is over your own life.

I confused my role in my family for a long time. I thought I was justified in holding a magnifying glass up to their dysfunctional lives. I could point out the error of their ways. I could anticipate the upcoming tragedy if they continued in their dysfunction. I waited with self-righteous anticipation for the fall-out..........and I waited.........and I stewed........and then, it happened.

I found recovery from my self-righteous, superior, egotistical self. I stopped focusing on my family's differences and accepting them for who they are - family. Lumps, bumps and warts; they are my family. They are living their lives as they choose. I have forgiven them for not being what I wanted them to be, and I have set them free to be themselves.

I am learning to keep my side of the street clean, and giving other's the respect to keep their side of the street however they want.

A quote from SR moderators:

Soberrecovery is a forum for those recovering from alcohol and substance abuse addictions and help for family and friends whos lives have been affected by someone else's addiction.

We are here to support you as you pick up the pieces from living with/around addiction.

We are powerless over fixing your family members.

Blaming alcohol for the past will not change history.

dothi

IME alcohol abuse is more symptom than a cause of underlying problems. Alcohol abuse is the addictive result of a person's poor decision to manage their stress. So basically the underlying causes (whatever personal fears and stress each family member is dealing with) continue to be treated with alcohol, giving alcohol the appearance as the source of the dysfunction.

As for the kids (and speaking as an ACoA), they are following the paths for dealing with life as was modeled to them by their parents (it's okay to drink/drug/abuse to handle stress/depression/etc). Who learned from their parents. And so on.

What you have described is present in my family as well. I don't focus on the alcohol or drugs as much as I do the disrespectful, unchanging attitudes and behaviors. (e.g. dry drunks are still disrespectful people, and they sure don't need alcohol to "cause" their hurtful behaviors)

Learn2Live

What a great post thequest, thank you for sharing your story, observations, etc. I don't have direct answers to your excellent questions (except for maybe one) but here's what I do know:

I have seen ENTIRE families, two to three generations, that are alcoholic and enabling. They are very close in many ways. They are a force and a power that no outsider can infiltrate or "beat." If you marry into the family, you must be just like them, and if you aren't or decide later that you no longer want to party, you are rejected and ostracized. They all live in the same geographic areas, in some cases the same neighborhood, and they party together continuously. In one family, every weekend, everyone who can gathers at their weekend neighborhood (a "resort" type trailer park) and they drink, smoke, and party all weekend. In dealing with non-blood-related relatives and friends that they allow into their group, whenever there is a question, dispute, argument disagreement, whatever, no matter how small, they will twist and distort ANYTHING in order to side with and protect one another. It is truly bizarre to witness, and truly sickening to be involved with this. I was involved with them for at least a decade and what came out of it was nothing but sickness, pain, confusion, all the stuff you read about here.

Regarding your statement:
If you look closely enough you will likely see that they are being supported one way or another. In the case of the family above, the family all support one another in order to continue the family dynamic, the lifestyle. Because if you are affected then you will stop partying with me and then I will not have the "fun" that I have drinking every weekend. So, it is important to me to help you out and ensure that you don't lose your job, etc. That is often referred to as "enabling."

Regarding this question:
This person should be evaluated by a doctor to rule out a medical condition. But yes, it is common for alcoholics (no matter what their age) to become aggressive or assertive after drinking.

thequest

What you have described is present in my family as well. I don't focus on the alcohol or drugs as much as I do the disrespectful, unchanging attitudes and behaviors. (e.g. dry drunks are still disrespectful people, and they sure don't need alcohol to "cause" their hurtful behaviors)[/COLOR][/QUOTE]

That's almost exactly why I brought up the subject. It's not so much belligerence as it is arrogance. Even though your an older adult with a few greys they still treat you like a kid who knows nothing. And yet they're the ones with the problems or stopping progress of anykind. You can't tell them or recommend anything. At first I wrote it off as them trying to maintain the power of the parent but I think it's more than that.

I think I'll worry about just keeping my side of street clean like pelican said.

thequest

This is the one that worries me. They have always been awnry, ignorant or 'belligerent' at times but it's much more pronounced in their older age. It seems like alcohol actually can agitate them. I also wonder if they're taking their friends meds. Frequently after they visit their friends I notice this.

Chino

My neighbors are elderly alcoholics, so are several of their offspring. When certain family members come for a visit, we always know there's going to be yelling and screaming. A few visit that are not alcoholics, and we can tell because there's no screaming and they don't come around when the other screamers are there. They also stay busy helping with the garden, house repairs, stuff like that.

I learned not to bother speaking with them after 3pm. The sober family members must have learned the same and to stay away when the others are there.

Learn2Live

My alcoholic family members STILL try this with me, and I am in my 40s! A decade ago it would have worked. Not now--I got an education and take complete care of myself now--I do not NEED anyone for any practical or financial matter. Now, when my family members pull this crap on me, I am ONTO them, I am not under their thumb, and I can smile, shake my head, and say "That does not work on me anymore."

THAT is what my Sobriety and my Recovery have done for me. I hope for that for everyone I meet on SR.