beautifulgirl

Hello, I am a married mom of 5 beautiful children. I have been with my husband for over 10 years.

My husband has a substance abuse problem and has ever since I have known him. He current takes pills called roxicettes. He has quit so many times and then starts again and hides it until he is caught again.

He nods off in the middle of conversations and has even nodded off at the wheel. I am so afraid he is going to die from this in a car accident and I am afraid of my kids being in the car with him.

He works really hard and a lot and we have a house together. Neither one of us have friends or family closeby.

He said he would stop again but I said this was the last straw. I told him I was leaving with the kids at the end of the school year which is in 11 days. I planned on going to my mom and dad but my mom says it is bad to uproot the kids just to uproot them again.

I was all set to go but now my mom says I should stay and he should go. I could not live here alone by myself with my kids not knowing anyone. I would be scared.

Please help me. I don't know what to do.

Thank you

ninja7

Hi, BG! Welcome to SR! Here is one of the best place in the internet where addict and his family can get support.

I am recovering alcoholic who is sober over 15 months. Just IMO, I think you should separate from he at least for a while. Because you have responsibility for your children. Addicts have no responsibility for them. I also recommend that you go to Nar-alnon meeting near by. There are lots of good people to ask face to face your problem.

Callie

Roxi's aren't something to mess with. Read,Read, Read here. Click on my name and go to my first posts. You are dealing with something that is a monster. My advice is to read, educate yourself and make a sound decision that's right for you and your kids. I don't care how hard he works, how much $ he makes etc. I thought the same as you in the beginning. I thought *MY* addict was different. He wasn't. Addiction isn't something to be handled lightly.

I'm sorry you are hear, read - read - read. Many here (myself included) can identify with you. SR is a great place to call home - They tell it like it is here, which is what we really need.

beautifulgirl

I appreciate the two responses. Thank you. I wrote my husband a note and left it by the coffee maker. I don't know that it was worth me even writing though.
I just wrote that he hurt me over and over and over again and how could he hurt a person that loved him so much?
The thing is that I know that he has no feeling right now that he has hurt me at all. He is in this zombie type state where he has no feeling or if he does he is not showing emotion.
He is not fighting for me to stay. I know he wants me too but he can't feel it to express it.
I have to go but I don't know where to go to with my 5 children.
I wish it were easier.
I feel traumatized for life. I really do.

affinity

Is there an option of you guys stay, he goes to rehab? and maybe take it from there?
Come on here and learn from these people. It is super hard to detach and difficult to not feel like your world falls apart when he does, it is painful to go crazy thinking he could be dead somewhere and feel the threats of that on you and your kids. Super super hard to not participate in this with him but it is not impossible. The letter you wrote most likely wont make him help you in this decision .. you cant control or "wake him up" with guilt, (even the most well motivated kind of expression of your hurt) instead it could be a scenario that's hurts you with a lack of response or lack of feeling loved or fought for. He wont just get an epiphany one day and stick to being sober even if he hears your hearts cry. He needs help... and willingness to stick to it.


You have friends here and friends at al anon! You are not alone.

I'm in a place of min by min not letting my husband bring me down right now (literally just texted me and I will not reply). I am trying to make my focus learning how to not participate in his dysfunction. He just went into rehab a few days ago and still, even with him gone I am spending my days actively trying to distract myself from his issues and focus on me and the journey I am on. He needs to be told there is no warm bed to come home to if he is not going to work hard at recovering, but do I believe that?, am I capable of following through?, would HE really believe that?... ugh the likely hood is not good with my track record of enabling him and loving him and trying to nurture him to health (blah). What a shock he will find, when I put my boundaries to practice for his and my sake.

Something that is helping me is I have been working on writing up how his addiction has effected me over the years. Let me tell you, it is VERY hard to do, so hard that I cant bare to proof read it knowing it is fully loaded. It will need a lot of editing if ever given to someone else to read and actually understand... a flood of memories and emotion. BUT It is also a clear view of no boundaries, and enabling through believing in the good side, the one that try's to go sober, the guy I am so in love with.

My husband has also been sober so many times in his own 'efforts'. We too have 2 children. He too is a great hard worker and provides... being such a hard worker has lead me to think if anyone can work hard at getting sober it is him.. but he doesn't, not for very long anyway.

Thats just me.
It's rough.. I know.

Starburst

Welcome to SR, well done for reaching out, we are all friends here, you just keep on posting and we will all be there for you. You are not alone, you really need to focus on yourself and your beautiful children who need you to strong for them. HP will take care of the rest. Try to find a support group AA/NA group to help you through this. Im praying for you, also keep in mind the 3 c's You didnt CAUSE it, You can't CONTROL it and You can't CURE it! (((HUGS)))

coffeedrinker

I guess I would not go there at this point. The experience of the folks on this forum is that it just prolongs the pain and frustration and disillusionment. If he wants to get truly clean and sober, he needs to go ahead and do that on his own. Then if Beautiful wishes to reconcile, that can be dealt with when the time comes.

Stick with us, Beautiful. We know the incredible pain of everything you are going through right now.

I agree that you should be around people who love you, and will hold you up.
If going to your parents' is an option, after school is out I would take it. Perhaps many things will change over the summer. You don't need to have the future figured out right now.

beautifulgirl

Good Morning, I tore up the note that I wrote last night before I went to bed. I realized it was good for me to write but pointless to him.

I really want to go to my mom's house but her telling me it wasn't a good idea was really her way of telling me no so that is out.

He slept all day and night yesterday except for when he got up, ate a little dinner, and went to the bathroom. Then it was back to sleep.

He woke me up to tell me he loved me before he went to work this morning and I told him I loved him too but he hurt me. I don't know what response would have been right but I know telling him he hurt me does not help him or make him see the light.

I have no choice. I have to stay here. I don't know what else to do. There is no easy fix.

lightseeker

Hi and welcome. I'm glad that you found SR. Reading all of the stickys and getting plugged in is a great way to begin to help yourself. Many people stay right where they are until they can develop a plan that is best for them and their children. If you keep getting your ducks in a row there will come a day when you know that you don't have to say.

You are right - it isn't an easy fix. And trying to fix him is beside the point. The only person you can fix is you and you have 5 excellent reasons to do that. Even if he doesn't quit using you can begin to set boundaries and take good care of you. Alanon and/or Naranon are full of people that understand what you are going through.

Keep posting and stick around!

beautifulgirl

Thank you Lightseeker. Being we have no family or friends closeby I will seek support online rather than at meetings because I have to care for my children at night.
I will stay and save my pennies so we can pack up and go without having to rely on anyone else.
I am not sure about the boundaries. I mean I can ignore whatever he does. He does not do it here or if he does I never see it. I can also not let him take the kids anywhere while he is driving.
I realize that me telling him he hurt me or making him feel like a failure only contributes to his problem.
He works 6 days a week or I would send him for treatment.
He has become impotent from the use of pills. He still wants and tries to get sexually gratified from me but he can't because of his drug usage. It makes me feel disgusting and gross.
It is so sad, he usually calls me everyday from work or I call him. He has not called me today at all. I don't want to call him but I wish I could talk to him but I can't.

beautifulgirl

Cynical One, I have lived in my home for 3 years now and our neighbors do not have children. Our children range in ages 2-8. Our youngest has autism and our oldest has autism. It is very difficult to separate myself from my children to make and hang out with friends or to even have them come here because it is pretty much just me taking care of the kids and me working myself online at home.

The kids are not seeing any drug use and they have a beautiful home. I would be afraid of distressing them by moving to a shelter. They have no idea anything is wrong.

Freedom1990

That is a difficult situation, especially with 2 special needs children.

Is there anyone who would be willing to watch the kids for an hour in the evening so you could get to some Alanon or Naranon meetings? Even once a week to a meeting would allow you to start making friends within recovery.

It has been such a Godsend to me to have friends now in the circles of recovery (ie., Alanon) who I can talk to and who understand me.

I would also recommend you get your hands on a book called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. I still reference it at times.

I'm sorry your mother isn't more supportive. My parents have been affected by generations of alcoholism/addictions, and even though they are not addicts or alcoholics, they still have many of the dysfunctional beliefs and dynamics within their lives.

I hope you continue to post, and know you are among friends! :ghug3

beautifulgirl

I understand. I will call and find out what is out there in case there is a resource that can help my children and I.
My husband is here during the night and he is not comfortable with anyone else here and I won't leave him alone to watch the kids.

Something else just happened that is quite ironic. My husband's cell phone rang and I discovered that he left it home. When I went to check if there was a voice mail, I discovered a text that read; same sh*t $40.
What should I do? Should I call the number and curse out the person who answers. I have no control but these dealers enable my husband.

Ugghhh...why did his phone have to ring and why did I go to check the voicemail?

I can't do this, I can't. This is killing me. Why?? It is so hard. I have so much to handle with 5 kids, 2 with autism, and health problems myself.

beautifulgirl

Ok, some of them are playing with their friends and the others are napping so I am going to turn off the phone and clean. I hate cleaning but it makes me feel productive when I see the end result.
Should I mention the text to my husband when he gets home?
I will check back in later tonight.
Thank you.

coffeedrinker

I sure understand feeling like you're in a hopeless situation. The feeling of being trapped is one of the worst ones there is.

Just keep coming here for support, and work on making your plan, whatever that may be.

The text message must have felt like a kick in the gut. It's awful. It IS the reality of things, though.

beautifulgirl

I cleaned before I read the messages. Woops. My kids have already made a mess though so there is always more to clean...yay

And I also did not read the posts about not mentioning the text, woops.

Here is what happened.
I called the number from the text back and this guy answered but responded with a greeting stating a business name so I asked if he knew a guy name Husband and he said no and I said ok and hung up.
Then I was out with the kids and my husband came home. He called me and wanted me to come home.
After getting home I asked him what this business was and he told me it was his friends business and then I responded that it was also his supplier and he said yeah.
I then proceeded to tell him that I get a cell phone bill every month with all the numbers dialed and received and that if I ever saw that number again I was going to call the cops and they would shut down his friend's business in a heartbeat. My husband was silent and had no problem with what I said at all.
I told him he needed professional help. He agreed. He said he does not want to do it and that he can handle the withdrawals and stop everytime I catch him but the cravings make him start again even though he doesn't want to. He was not willing to give up his job but he is willing to go for help outside of work hours.
Later during the evening he called my name and said he needed me, so I came and asked what he needed me for thinking he wanted a drink or something and he said he needed me for me so at this point I think I am going to try to get him help instead of turning my back on him.
I am going to call some dr's tomorrow to check office hours and see if the drs think he is a good candidate for suboxone.
I would love for him to be completely clean but I can understand cravings and if there is something that can help eliminate them and he hasn't tried it we should give it a shot.
By the way, this weekend he was going through withdrawal symptoms and probably still is a little but he is much better today. Friday was the last day he used.
So we will see how it goes. I hope I am making the right decision for my family.
Thanks everyone for being so supportive.

beautifulgirl

Oh boy, I have handled every phone call from dr's to bills to takeout. He is sort of challenged when it comes to talking to people. It won't even answer the phone when it rings.
I can understand what you are saying but what do I tell him?

hello-kitty

Hope for the best but prepare for the worst. If he doesn't quit using or he doesn't stay stopped, then what?

He still has you doing everything for him and until that stops, well... usually the addict doesn't quit until he does it himself. And he doesn't have any reason to do it himself as long as you are still trying to do everything for him. It's *manipulation*.

I hope you will consider Alanon. It's very helpful to the family members of addicts. It will help you focus on what you need to help yourself yourself and your children - not what you think you need to do to help your husband.

Angelic17

Beautiful, Welcome to SR. Your in the right place. There is alot of support and love on this site. We all have some sort of a problem with addiction to drugs and alcohol.

Now, you say you have 5 children. The question I have is: Is your husband willing to get help? Because if he is, you wont have to leave, and he wont have to leave. You can work it out. But he has to want the help. Take him to the doctor. They can get him off of those roxicettes with non narcotic medications that block the withdrawal. The reason he keeps going back is because he feels horrible. It is a tortorous withdrawal, and the person cannot get comfortable in their own skin. Please try to understand. If your husband doesn't want to stop. That's another thing. Then you have to do what you have to do. I will keep you in my prayers.

I wish your family a healing.
I first hand know what addiction does to the entire family.
Mine has suffered so much.

The Good News is that their is always help.

beautifulgirl

Well he did stop using on Friday so I can't say what I will do if he does not stop and I have no way of knowing if he will use again whether he gets help or not.
I have looked into resources available to me should I need to take advantage of those in the future.
My husband has never asked for or received help for his addiction before so I am giving him the chance to get help and am hoping he will.
He said he wanted help, that he did not want to do this anymore, and called his dealer and the drugs the devil. He told me he wanted to go see a dr. for the suboxone and I told him if he wanted help he needed to get it himself. He is not computer savvy so he asked me to look up the website for him. I gave him the laptop and told him to look up the website himself and find out the information he needed. He found a dr. and wrote the phone number down. Whether he calls will be up to him.
If he does not seek help I have decided that he will go and the kids and I will stay. I do not need to worry about where my children and I will stay. If I need help I can reach out for it locally. I can network and build friendships possibly through a local alanon, my kids friends parents, and programs that welcome my children and I are welcome.
I should not be the one who is outed for his mistakes. He will suffer the consequences if he does not get help.
He has the information he needs to get help now so I will wait to see if he gets it.
I am hoping and praying he gets help for the sake of my children, myself, and for him.