Does it sound like my fiance has an alcohol problem?
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Join Date: May 2010
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Does it sound like my fiance has an alcohol problem?
Hello! My fiancée is a 31 yr male, 6ft, 210lbs, father of an 11 yr old son, and he was just promoted to an E7 in the army last month. We have been dating 2 yrs. He is very functional & does not drink every day, but when he does drinks, he consumes A LOT. He says he has to drink so much in order to get a buzz. He claims his tolerance is "naturally very high...that drinking has always been something he is good at." His drink of choice in Jack Daniel’s & Coca Cola. He loves Jack Daniel’s paraphernalia. He says other brands of whiskey don't digest as well for him. He failed out of college due to alcohol & marijuana abuse, but he no longer uses drugs & he just started drinking again 3 yrs ago. He also has a history of high blood pressure & has to take medication for it. He is constantly on a diet & says Jack is very bad for his blood pressure & weight. Multiple times I have seen him say he is not drinking that weekend and then he buys a bottle the next day. Then after he drinks, he weighs himself, sees that he gained weight, and feels regretful that he drank so much.
I first became alarmed by his alcohol consumption in Jan 09 when I saw him put back 7 doubles of Jack & Coke in about 2-3hrs. After all that, he was just buzzed. One of his buddies noticed too & commented that my fiancé can really drink. That night I expressed my concern & asked darling fiancée if he could limit it to just 2 doubles/day. He got really angry, but agreed. For a few months he did it...but he has slowly escalated back up. I think his army unit has several big drinkers & they drink heavily when on their 1-2 week training trips out-of town (The trips usually occur monthly or every other month). Darling fiance likes to drink by himself while sitting on the couch watching TV. He pours himself a tall glass of half whiskey/half coke. Multiple times I've seen him consume a 34ounce bottle of Jack that way in 48 hrs. Last Friday he again said that he is not drinking that weekend but by Saturday night, he bought a whiskey bottle. This time, he consumed about 26 ounces in less than 24 hrs (about 18 ounces from 11PM-1Am on Sat & another 8 ounces from 5PM-8PM on Sunday.) He slept in on Sunday morning until 10AM & consequently blew off our plans to go for a morning jog & broke a promise to his son to call him at 9AM. The broken plans were not a big deal, but they are highly unusual for Darling Fiancé....he is always on schedule and on-time. Unfortunately Darling Fiancé & I have been dating long-distance for the past year, so I only see him 5 consecutive days/month. I know he drinks when on the training trips & when I visit, but he could possibly be drinking more frequently. A year ago he never even talked about drinking in front of his son & always hid the whiskey bottle, but now he talks about it, leaves the whiskey bottle in the frig, & drinks in front of him.
Do you think he has an alcohol problem or could be on the path to having a problem? Why does he feel the need to get a buzz while watching TV?
I first became alarmed by his alcohol consumption in Jan 09 when I saw him put back 7 doubles of Jack & Coke in about 2-3hrs. After all that, he was just buzzed. One of his buddies noticed too & commented that my fiancé can really drink. That night I expressed my concern & asked darling fiancée if he could limit it to just 2 doubles/day. He got really angry, but agreed. For a few months he did it...but he has slowly escalated back up. I think his army unit has several big drinkers & they drink heavily when on their 1-2 week training trips out-of town (The trips usually occur monthly or every other month). Darling fiance likes to drink by himself while sitting on the couch watching TV. He pours himself a tall glass of half whiskey/half coke. Multiple times I've seen him consume a 34ounce bottle of Jack that way in 48 hrs. Last Friday he again said that he is not drinking that weekend but by Saturday night, he bought a whiskey bottle. This time, he consumed about 26 ounces in less than 24 hrs (about 18 ounces from 11PM-1Am on Sat & another 8 ounces from 5PM-8PM on Sunday.) He slept in on Sunday morning until 10AM & consequently blew off our plans to go for a morning jog & broke a promise to his son to call him at 9AM. The broken plans were not a big deal, but they are highly unusual for Darling Fiancé....he is always on schedule and on-time. Unfortunately Darling Fiancé & I have been dating long-distance for the past year, so I only see him 5 consecutive days/month. I know he drinks when on the training trips & when I visit, but he could possibly be drinking more frequently. A year ago he never even talked about drinking in front of his son & always hid the whiskey bottle, but now he talks about it, leaves the whiskey bottle in the frig, & drinks in front of him.
Do you think he has an alcohol problem or could be on the path to having a problem? Why does he feel the need to get a buzz while watching TV?
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Welcome!
I vote yes. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and his does seem to be getting worse.
There are all kinds of "A's"-daily drinkers, binge drinkers,closet drinkers and other kinds. The bottom line is the same, they are alcoholics.
Have you tried to talk to him about your concerns? Might be the time to do so.
I vote yes. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and his does seem to be getting worse.
There are all kinds of "A's"-daily drinkers, binge drinkers,closet drinkers and other kinds. The bottom line is the same, they are alcoholics.
Have you tried to talk to him about your concerns? Might be the time to do so.
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Back in Jan 09, I expressed my concern & asked if he had issues with alcohol. He got really mad & insisted he didn't. At that time I told him that I would not keep being his girlfriend unless he limited his drinking. He did for a little while, but its back up again.
Now we are engaged. I really don't know how to talk with him about this without him getting really angry and defensive. I tried to gently hint at it by pointing out that he likely slept late Sunday because he drank so much the night before. He insisted that it had nothing to do with the alcohol...he just changed his mind about wanting to run & turned off his alarm.
Do you have any suggesting on how I should point-blank address my concerns with him?
Now we are engaged. I really don't know how to talk with him about this without him getting really angry and defensive. I tried to gently hint at it by pointing out that he likely slept late Sunday because he drank so much the night before. He insisted that it had nothing to do with the alcohol...he just changed his mind about wanting to run & turned off his alarm.
Do you have any suggesting on how I should point-blank address my concerns with him?
RIP Sweet Suki
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I believe in total honesty. I would just tell him that I don't want to be married to an alcoholic and from what you have seen, he either is one or is on the road to becoming one. If you are counting his drinks, it is obviously a big problem for you. Why would you marry into it?
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Join Date: May 2008
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Hi Daisey,
I drank for about 25 years and very heavily during the last 5 of that time. In reading your post, it reads to me that the only difference between your Fiancee and myself, is that I preferred Rum and Coke. I might also add that I am only 5'5 and weigh 123 Pounds.
People acquire a high tolerance for alcohol, regardless of weight, only one way and that is through ......'Practice.'
I drank for about 25 years and very heavily during the last 5 of that time. In reading your post, it reads to me that the only difference between your Fiancee and myself, is that I preferred Rum and Coke. I might also add that I am only 5'5 and weigh 123 Pounds.
People acquire a high tolerance for alcohol, regardless of weight, only one way and that is through ......'Practice.'
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Originally Posted by Still Waters 
How the heck do you know how many ounces he has at any given time?
Its a bit much to be measuring, but I wanted to know exactly how much he is consuming at a time so that when I investigate whether there may be a problem I can give accurate information. The drinking has been slowly increasing & I really haven't been paying it enough attention.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
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A large capacity for drinking and still seem "just buzzed", or an ability to "hold" your liquor is a major warning sign of someone who could be alcoholic. This is covered in detail in the book "Under the Influence".
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
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Educating yourself on alcoholism will help you make decisions concerning your future. We have some excerpts from the book "Under The Influence". Here is the link:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html
This is also helpful in learning what you can do to help your loved one:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post2051022
Welcome to the SR family!
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html
This is also helpful in learning what you can do to help your loved one:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post2051022
Welcome to the SR family!
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Join Date: Nov 2008
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Daisy - all I can say is RUN VERY FAST - away from this man! YES, he's an alcoholic.
Read the accounts of all the people on here, and you'll quickly see that it all adds up to MISERY for everyone involved.
Read the accounts of all the people on here, and you'll quickly see that it all adds up to MISERY for everyone involved.
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Originally Posted by suki44883
If you are counting his drinks, it is obviously a big problem for you. Why would you marry into it?
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Join Date: Apr 2010
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Along with my personal experiences, I do have professional experience also with diagnosing substance abuse and dependence. I thought it may be helpful to read through the criteria that someone with alcohol dependence (alcoholic) would have. This is how a counselor would come about with their diagnosis.
Alcohol Dependence - Diagnostic Code 303.90 DSMIV
A maladaptive pattern of alcohol use, leading to clinically significant impairment or distress, as manifested by three (or more) of the following, occurring at any time in the same 12-month period:
(1) tolerance, as defined by either of the following:
(a) a need for markedly increased amounts of alcohol to achieve Intoxication or desired effect
(b) markedly diminished effect with continued use of the same amount of alcohol
(2) Withdrawal, as manifested by either of the following:
(a) the characteristic withdrawal syndrome for alcohol (refer to Criteria A and B of the criteria sets for Withdrawal from alcohol)
(b) alcohol (or a closely related drug such as valium) is used to relieve or avoid withdrawal symptoms
(3) alcohol is often used in larger amounts or over a longer period than was intended
(4) there is a persistent desire or unsuccessful efforts to cut down or control alcohol use
(5) a great deal of time is spent in activities necessary to obtain alcohol, use alcohol, or recover from its effects
(6) important social, occupational, or recreational activities are given up or reduced because of alcohol use
(7) alcohol use is continued despite knowledge of having a persistent or recurrent physical or psychological problem that is likely to have been caused or exacerbated by alcohol (e.g. continued drinking despite recognition that an ulcer was made worse by alcohol consumption)
Alcohol Dependence - Diagnostic Code 303.90 DSMIV
A maladaptive pattern of alcohol use, leading to clinically significant impairment or distress, as manifested by three (or more) of the following, occurring at any time in the same 12-month period:
(1) tolerance, as defined by either of the following:
(a) a need for markedly increased amounts of alcohol to achieve Intoxication or desired effect
(b) markedly diminished effect with continued use of the same amount of alcohol
(2) Withdrawal, as manifested by either of the following:
(a) the characteristic withdrawal syndrome for alcohol (refer to Criteria A and B of the criteria sets for Withdrawal from alcohol)
(b) alcohol (or a closely related drug such as valium) is used to relieve or avoid withdrawal symptoms
(3) alcohol is often used in larger amounts or over a longer period than was intended
(4) there is a persistent desire or unsuccessful efforts to cut down or control alcohol use
(5) a great deal of time is spent in activities necessary to obtain alcohol, use alcohol, or recover from its effects
(6) important social, occupational, or recreational activities are given up or reduced because of alcohol use
(7) alcohol use is continued despite knowledge of having a persistent or recurrent physical or psychological problem that is likely to have been caused or exacerbated by alcohol (e.g. continued drinking despite recognition that an ulcer was made worse by alcohol consumption)
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
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That's the thing...his drinking hasn't been a big problem. He is totally functional. I'm concerned for his health. But I'm also wondering if he will keep increasing the amount of alcohol he consumes. Assuming he is a functional alcoholic, do they usually remain level & functioning....or do they usually get worse and worse?
Alcoholism is a progressive disease. It never gets better. It always gets worse if they don't get professional help. As I said, read the stickies at the top of this forum. Read other posts in this forum. You will get a good look at what you are in for if you stay with this man.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease. It never gets better. It always gets worse if they don't get professional help. As I said, read the stickies at the top of this forum. Read other posts in this forum. You will get a good look at what you are in for if you stay with this man.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Ohio
Posts: 94
Originally Posted by daisygirl2000
That's the thing...his drinking hasn't been a big problem. He is totally functional. I'm concerned for his health. But I'm also wondering if he will keep increasing the amount of alcohol he consumes. Assuming he is a functional alcoholic, do they usually remain level & functioning....or do they usually get worse and worse?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 26
Originally Posted by ksumm77
Along with my personal experiences, I do have professional experience also with diagnosing substance abuse and dependence. I thought it may be helpful to read through the criteria that someone with alcohol dependence (alcoholic) would have. This is how a counselor would come about with their diagnosis.
Alcohol Dependence - Diagnostic Code 303.90 DSMIV
A maladaptive pattern of alcohol use, leading to clinically significant impairment or distress, as manifested by three (or more) of the following, occurring at any time in the same 12-month period:
(1) tolerance, as defined by either of the following:
(a) a need for markedly increased amounts of alcohol to achieve Intoxication or desired effect
(b) markedly diminished effect with continued use of the same amount of alcohol
(2) Withdrawal, as manifested by either of the following:
(a) the characteristic withdrawal syndrome for alcohol (refer to Criteria A and B of the criteria sets for Withdrawal from alcohol)
(b) alcohol (or a closely related drug such as valium) is used to relieve or avoid withdrawal symptoms
(3) alcohol is often used in larger amounts or over a longer period than was intended
(4) there is a persistent desire or unsuccessful efforts to cut down or control alcohol use
(5) a great deal of time is spent in activities necessary to obtain alcohol, use alcohol, or recover from its effects
(6) important social, occupational, or recreational activities are given up or reduced because of alcohol use
(7) alcohol use is continued despite knowledge of having a persistent or recurrent physical or psychological problem that is likely to have been caused or exacerbated by alcohol (e.g. continued drinking despite recognition that an ulcer was made worse by alcohol consumption)
Alcohol Dependence - Diagnostic Code 303.90 DSMIV
A maladaptive pattern of alcohol use, leading to clinically significant impairment or distress, as manifested by three (or more) of the following, occurring at any time in the same 12-month period:
(1) tolerance, as defined by either of the following:
(a) a need for markedly increased amounts of alcohol to achieve Intoxication or desired effect
(b) markedly diminished effect with continued use of the same amount of alcohol
(2) Withdrawal, as manifested by either of the following:
(a) the characteristic withdrawal syndrome for alcohol (refer to Criteria A and B of the criteria sets for Withdrawal from alcohol)
(b) alcohol (or a closely related drug such as valium) is used to relieve or avoid withdrawal symptoms
(3) alcohol is often used in larger amounts or over a longer period than was intended
(4) there is a persistent desire or unsuccessful efforts to cut down or control alcohol use
(5) a great deal of time is spent in activities necessary to obtain alcohol, use alcohol, or recover from its effects
(6) important social, occupational, or recreational activities are given up or reduced because of alcohol use
(7) alcohol use is continued despite knowledge of having a persistent or recurrent physical or psychological problem that is likely to have been caused or exacerbated by alcohol (e.g. continued drinking despite recognition that an ulcer was made worse by alcohol consumption)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 26
Thank you everyone for your replies! I really love this man. Its painful feedback to swallow, but it sounds like I need to hear it. Im gonna buy a copy of that book Under the Influence.
Just wondering....do alcohol & marajjana provide similar stimulating effects?
Darling fiance claims that when he used marajjana (age 18-20ish) he was never addicted and that when he decided to quit he just quit. But given that drug likely had a huge role in his failing out of college his freshman year, I'm wondering if he was addicted & was in denial. I believe he even continued using the drug for another year or two after dropping out. I thought this was just a rebellious young & dumb phase he went through, but now I'm wondering if it was much more that.
Just wondering....do alcohol & marajjana provide similar stimulating effects?
Darling fiance claims that when he used marajjana (age 18-20ish) he was never addicted and that when he decided to quit he just quit. But given that drug likely had a huge role in his failing out of college his freshman year, I'm wondering if he was addicted & was in denial. I believe he even continued using the drug for another year or two after dropping out. I thought this was just a rebellious young & dumb phase he went through, but now I'm wondering if it was much more that.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
Alcohol and MJ are different, but to an addict a buzz is a buzz is a buzz. You CANNOT fix this guy, he has to do it for himself. I am single at 48 years old because the 2 women I loved in my life were smart enough to not marry a drunk. I eventually sobered up for me, neither of the women I loved would ever have been able to sober me up.
My own personal experiences in AA reinforce this belief, all of my sober friends in AA, without exception, said they sobered up when they decided they had to, not because a wife or GF told them to.
You need to decide if you are going to be smart like my ex GFs. I hope you do not make a mistake and try to fix this guy because you may well waste a lot of precious time and have nothing to show for it.
My own personal experiences in AA reinforce this belief, all of my sober friends in AA, without exception, said they sobered up when they decided they had to, not because a wife or GF told them to.
You need to decide if you are going to be smart like my ex GFs. I hope you do not make a mistake and try to fix this guy because you may well waste a lot of precious time and have nothing to show for it.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Daisy,
You said in one post that you couldn't be his girlfriend if he were drinking to the degree he was at the time. Never mind that he cut down for a time. Today, he is again drinking to the degree you indicated, yet you are not just the girlfriend, you are now his fiancee.
Also, you said his drinking is not a big problem. Um....but you are here. It's a big problem. For you, and that's what matter. Even if it doesn't seem so for him (and it's a problem for him too, he just doesn't realize it yet. But I bet his son does)
Keep coming to this site. We care about you, and there is much to learn.
You said in one post that you couldn't be his girlfriend if he were drinking to the degree he was at the time. Never mind that he cut down for a time. Today, he is again drinking to the degree you indicated, yet you are not just the girlfriend, you are now his fiancee.
Also, you said his drinking is not a big problem. Um....but you are here. It's a big problem. For you, and that's what matter. Even if it doesn't seem so for him (and it's a problem for him too, he just doesn't realize it yet. But I bet his son does)
Keep coming to this site. We care about you, and there is much to learn.
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