damnedone

Yup it's me again... after finally managing to detach from my addict to the point where I don't cry every night because of him, I got close to.. an alcoholic. Things didn't go great for us, so we had to break up, but still.. now when I think of it, it's REALLY scary.

My first botfriend ever (my ex fiance actually), I suspect he had some bad mental issues, at least they showed up badly the last few months of our relationship.. there have been signs before but I was too young and silly to realise, I thought he was just being weird. I was joking about him being a sociopath but I fear I was right about it... then, the addict that brought me to seek help here.. who is also bi/polar.. then for a short while, there was a guy who had borderline personality disorder... ugh, now an alcoholic.

Is there something wrong with me? I seem to be a magnet attracting all mentally unstable or with drugs/alcohol issues.. I'm seriously thinking of never getting involved into a relationship again... and I'm only 21.. I'm getting really scared thinking that I really liked these guys.. but ofcourse, I only found out about each of their issues after a while.. I've never had a normal boyfriend =/.

ksumm77

I can relate to you. It seems I had a couple of "normal" boyfriends in the past and then I started attracting alcoholics. Even after vowing to be single for a year, getting back into my spirituality and church and praying that I would be aware of the "red flags" and not repeat the same mistake... I still married an alcoholic. (Thank God that he is sober today.) I think for me, there is something unconscious in how I attract others. I cannot really put my finger on exactly what it is. Maybe it's something from my childhood, maybe not. I have thought about seeing a counselor and trying to get to the root of it. I was searching online and found what I posted below. It may be of interest.

Fear of Intimacy - the wounded heart of codependency
"As long as we are reacting unconsciously to our childhood emotional wounds and intellectual programming, we keep repeating the patterns. We keep getting involved with unavailable people. We keep setting ourselves up to be abandoned, betrayed and rejected. We keep looking for love in all the wrong places, in all the wrong faces."

damnedone

Nice finding, I' surely going to take some time to read that, thank you

The thing is, I can't recall any abusive moments in my childhood or anything that might have triggered this unusual attraction.. I have a normal family, the only one who used to be an alcoholic is my grandfather, but he quit long before I was even born.. only my mom had to deal with it.. but it really hasn't affected me in any way. i've been thinking alot, really can't find anything in my childhood that could affect me this way.

I guess it's just me, my personality.. I could never feel attracted to an "ordinary" guy, always looking for someone different, someone who can fascinate me with their personality and mentality, but sadly all who managed to do this, brought along those issues I said above. =/

also, I have a pretty normal social life, nothing unusual in that either.. it's only my relationships that are messed

Freedom1990

You don't have to have abusive moments in your childhood to end up codependent.

I grew up in an alcohol-free home. My father was/is an adult child of alcoholics (lost both parents to alcoholism while he was in school), my mother is an untreated codependent (had one sibling who was alcoholic/addict).

There is a long line of addiction/alcoholism on both sides of the family for many generations.

I am a recovering addict/alcoholic, and a recovering codependent.

I had to tackle the addictions/alcoholism first.

However, I spent many long miserable years in sick relationships.

The common denominator in all those relationships was me.

Until I did the internal work to discover why I kept seeking unhealthy companions, I repeated the pattern over and over.

The last relationship (engagement) ended after 15 months when he walked out on me. That's when I hit my codependent bottom in relationships.

I made a firm commitment to myself to stay out of any relationships and do the internal work.

It's amazing as the years have gone by. The bad boy type that used to get me all jello-kneed and heart aflutter does nada, zilch, zero for me.

Oh sure, occasionally I'll get an excited thought when I see that type, but I recognize it, and just toss it aside.

You might want to ask yourself, what really motivates you to seek out a certain type of man?

I suspect it's deeper than just your personality.

Chino

I never had a thing for bad boys, I always wanted to corrupt the good ones lol. Until I met my husband 27 years ago, who was like me and everything I wanted. Hard working, honest, respectful, etc. He was also emotionally unavailable, just like me.

That worked fine until these last two years, when I finally owned all my codependent behaviors. Our relationship is constantly being redefined these days and some are harder than others.

Sunshine2

I didn't grow up with any addiction or abuse between parents either. Yet I chose to marry a very abusive man. I came to the conclusion that I has such a low self-image that I thought I didn't deserve any better.

coffeedrinker

hey damedone, welcome back.

this is why many of us here on s/r say that you need to do the "work". just like the addict can't simply put down the pipe/bottle/needle, we cannot simply walk away from the person causing us distress -- it goes deeper than that.

many of us can analyze our relationships, and often see patterns. this is the first step.

as my therapist said to me about 10 years ago:

christine lamenting about "getting" an alcoholic husband: "oh, why did this happen? i thought I was being careful to not get an alcoholic!"

therapist's reply: "sweetheart, if you hadn't gotten him, you would have just picked another one."

(should i add that i was MAD when she said this?)

1. recognize that there is a reason; it's not just some coincidence
2. accept it, discover the underlying issues
3. continue to identify those issues; seek help in figuring it out
4. spend the rest of your life getting clarity & understanding, seeking truth & living it out

my personal belief is that this is pretty tough to do w/out professional help. i think you can do it via other resources; it's just pretty daunting.

scroll through and read some of the posts over the past month or two; a lot of them focus on relationships and this exact issue. then start doing the work! you'll be amazed

coffeedrinker

AND, you'll change your username

damnedone

Thanks everyone for answering *HUGS*

Hmm well, to quickly answer to some things being said here (I don't have much time now ), first of all, like I said, I had a normal family, grew up with both my parents, they never had big fights, just normal silly arguments about money and stuff, I think those are in every family, but nothing that could affect me in any way..

The only thing that <might> have triggered this would be maybe my health issues. I said it long ago, I was born with a rare disease that won't allow me to walk normally, that in a way made me feel a bit different from the other people, especially when I grew older. Everyone around me always tried to make me feel just like everyone else, and I have friends, I go to university, I do all the things everyone else is doing, but there has always been that "something" making me different.. uhh still I can't see any connection between this and my attraction to "bad boys"..

And another thing that makes my thoughts go weird is that I didn't know about any of thier issues until it was already too late.. so it's not like I said to myself "oh a drug addict! I'll fall inlove with him" or "yay another mentally disturbed to make mine", I just learned to live with each of them.. well up to a point.

Maybe one day I will consider seeking professional help, but until then I'll try to figure out myself I guess

and haha, yeah I guess I should change my name, but I'm still feeling a bit "damned" for now, as you can all see

Chino

Falling in love is a choice after initial attraction. Maybe it isn't that it was too late, maybe it's that it was too soon.

wicked

yes, damned one, this!

thanks chino.

damnedone

wow, never thought of it this way.. hmm, but..

for my first boyfriend (the one I suspect to be a sociopath.. or something related to that pretty much), he was a lovely sweet guy when I met him, he only turned into a monster after about 2 years and few months... he was a bit weird and TOO jealous, and didn't go out alot with friends, but I thought he was just "nerdy" type.. never thought of something of other nature.

well, the opiate addict.. the first red flags appeared long after I was melting at the thought of him, and those red flags were just "meds side effects".. about the drugs thing, I found out 1 year later, and couldn't step back =/

and my new alcoholic ex, I guess I rushed with this one too, I only realised there's something wrong after we started dating..

orrrr all these were already in my head but I couldn't "see" them until they were way too obvious to be seen.. really can't tell..

thanks again for all answers, they really gave me some things to think about, and that's always a great step when it comes to this type of 'dillemas' heh... though I'm still seriously considering never date a guy ever again lol

~big :ghug3 to everyone

ksumm77

I can also relate. I did not have any abusive moments in childhood either. My family was "normal" and there was no major fighting between my parents except for arguments over money. My grandfather on my mom's side was an alcoholic and never got help for it. My mom was told by others that she should go to Al Anon, but with her lack of understanding, she said, "Why, I'm not the one with the problem!" Needless to say, my mom never sought help for herself. Therefore, even though I did not grow up in an alcoholic home, my mom still had all the rules and roles of the dysfunction that she brought into my family growing up. Maybe those rules and roles were ingrained in me and I did not feel comfortable with another in a relationship unless these rules and roles were exhibited, which means that the guy was usually an alcoholic.

coffeedrinker

I've said this before, so bear with me if you'd already "heard" it.

We all easily say "chemistry" when we meet an opposite sex person we really go for. No stretch there; we accept this. But, just what IS this "chemistry"? I know it's many things - for me, the way he smells drives me mad as much as that intense look in the eyes, a certain low-sounding voice, and of course many other things. We easily accept that many people seem to be "intuitive". We've heard it said that some people have a great "gay-dar", right? Well I looked at a young woman in my workplace last week, and I knew, I mean I KNEW, she was alcoholic.

Damned, you don't look at a man and say "wow, looks like an addict to me; I think I'll get the hots for him". But, I believe that many (not all) of us here instintively attract to people that have The Affliction . I really do. Otherwise, why would I have had three men I have been in love with that are addicts? Why would you? Or about 90% of us on this site? It not that you fell for him before anything went crazy, or that because you didn't know, it doesn't count. It's in there, it's part of him, the whole him that you love.

And that's why I say, you have to dig deep, and figure this dynamic out, or else it will be repeated - after it's too late once again.