Jenny1232

The facts:

I did break up with him.
He was in the hospital for a week because he has a brain aneurysm.
I decided he's important to me, and I'm not ready to lose him.
I'm an idiot.
Some things never change, unless YOU take action.

All day, my anxiety grew. We talked about going out to dinner today. He didn't speak to me much, so I asked him whether we were going out or not because I was making plans for the night.

He said:

"Let me look at my finances, I'm not sure."

Hours later, I asked him, and he said:

"Let's just do dinner tomorrow night. I'm too busy and I have to be up early for work."

I said, okay. I wasn't mad at all. He then proceeds to tell me he is really scared, and he's not ready to die. This brain aneurysm has him worried. I felt bad, and told him I was worried too, etc. I then asked him if he'd be going out tonight, because I knew it was $1 beers, and he would be going.

What's he say:

"I might go out for a few beers."
"to be honest, I want to do my own thing. I'm not staying out."

I'm mad. I said:

"I wish you wouldn't beat around the bust. I don't want to do dinner tomorrow. Sorry, I'm irritated. Bad day."

"I'm not Jenny, Don't start with me"
"I've been very clear I said dinner tomorrow. I want to do my own thing tonight. Youre starting to throw a fit. Don't start with me and don't start trouble. Just find something to do. You start this **** everytime you're not getting your way. I'm not doing anything wrong, so don't start with me."

"You could have told me when I asked a long time ago. All you said was money is tight and you have to wake up early. If you stated you wanted guy time, I'd be cool with it, but you beat around the bush. Again, alcohol wins the day, without me. Yeah, I'm hurt and I'm irritated. I had a bad day and I've been missing you."
You're "too busy" tonight - at a bar. You know my feelings regarding this, and nothing changes. I don't feel any sense of importance because you can't even be clear with me."

"Jenny stop okay. Money is tight. I'm gonna have a few beers and go home. There is no nice way to tell you. Why do you act like this, just F'ing stop. What do you want from me? It's not guy times, it's me having a few beers and going home. Why do you have to cause so much Shhiiit. There's no way to talk to you because you act like this. Don't start with me. I don't need it and I'm not going to listen to it."
"Maybe I just want to be left the F alone, and why would I want to hang out with you and listen to this shiiittt or any other Shhiiitt. Back off of me. I just want to relax and not have to worry about someone else. Is that okay with you? You wanna bash me and say a bunch of nasty shhhiittt. Well guess what. It's not about you anymore. It's about me and I want to be left the F alone habe a few beers and go home and go to work tomorrow. Why do you do this"?
"You dont work with at all. It's always about you. it doesnt matter what I want. and I'm sick of it. You don't like it, too bad Jenny. I'm not kissing your A$$ Jenny. I'm not doing anything wrong. You either work with me or you don't. If you keep it up, we don't have to do anything at all. I'm trying to work with you. Work with me, or leave me alone".

I still didn't respond, because he was acting ridiculous.

"Thanks Jenny. I was fine. You have the easiest ability to make me feel like Shhittt. I can't even enjoy myself or relax because you make me feel like S or upset like I'm doing something wrong. Thanks Jenny. Thanks a lot. I'm just going to F home. Youre a real sweetheart. I don't even want to do anything now. Have a nice night."

"I didn't text you back because I'm not trying to prolong this fight. We obviously have different opinions on this matter, so be it. I'm not trying to ruin your night."

"You can be a real jerk Jenny. It's always about you. If I want to do anything, you rub it in my face because I'm not giving you every second of my time. You make me feel bad for enjoying anything over you. You're always like well I guess everything else is more important than me and make me feel bad like I'm doing something wrong and you treat me like S. Why would I want to hang out around you when you're a full time job? You never get off my back. You lie to me and talk to other guys and bash me to them, and I still beg for you to love me and like me for what? You treat me like S. I just want to be left alone. I don't even know why you want to see me. Apparently I'm a big POS in your eyes. You've ruined the night and I'm Piiisssed off now, but sure you find something fun to do, or some trouble to start to make me feel like S even more. I don't know why youhave to be like this. F$$%^ YOU DRIVE ME F'ING CRAZY I DON'T DESERVE THIS S."

I still didn't reply... so ten minutes later:

"I'm sorry. I love you and I don't want to fight. I just want to be left alone tonight and I would like to take you to dinner tomorrow. Okay, I understand you miss me and I miss you too. I just want to do my own thing tonight and I hope you understand. Be safe. I love you and I will call you later. Please don't fight with me. I'm stressd out and I need to be alone. I would like to see you tomorrow and I'm looking forward to it. Please don't be upset and work with me please".

------

I never responded. I'm so completely confused. Where did I go wrong? He just gives me the guilt trip.. I'm so confused.

This guy just got out of the hospital for a freaking aneurysm.. and he's out at the bar. He doesn't MISS me. He chose to go "have a few beers" instead tonight. Besides that point. He left me WAITING all day, then made some lame excuse why he couldn't go to dinner tonight.

HAD HE JUST SAID:

"Look, I'm really stressed Jenny, and I want to be alone tonight" I WOULD HAVE BEEN FINE. But noooooooooo, he doesn't have the balls to say that. He makes himself look good.

What makes me worse. I went to see him in the hospital. We shed tears, and he kept saying, "you're wrong, you're wrong Jenny". He swore up and down he didn't have a drinking problem. I told him how I felt about it. HE KNOWS HOW I FEEL ABOUT IT.... and he does NOTHING to change it. I can't do this. I just DON'T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE.

Am I in the wrong? He was sick for a week. Should I cut him some slack? His mind-games really get the best of me. I don't feel like I handled this innappropriately at all. He can't stay away from the bar for ONE day. He always does this. The weekend roles around, and he blows me off to go drinking. He is clearly BLIND to this behavior.

Advice please. please, please, please, advise me.

I need another perspective. I'm so damned confused now.

Thumper

You have not done anything wrong.

He is acting exactly as he always has, and exactly like he always will. He is just being him, no more no less.

You can not change him, you can only align your expectations of him with the reality of him.

You are right 'Some things never change, unless YOU take action.' This night will be lived over and over and over until you are ready to change it.

You are wrong about one thing though. You are not an idiot. You are here. You are working towards figuring your self and your life out. It doesn't happen in the blink of an eye, it happens when you are ready, and you are doing the work of getting ready.

Jenny1232

Thank you so much Thumper. I felt like I handled it really well. I didn't engage in the fight. I stated my mind, and left it alone.

He expects me to go to a wonderful dinner tomorrow. I will not.

That's exactly what I thought. "Oh my god; I will put up with this for as long as I'm with him". I felt he was being completely irrational, and down right nasty to me. Statiing he "won't listen to it" shows me that he has absolutely NO regard to how I feel.

Sighs; thank you for telling me I'm not an idiot. I feel so dumb...

Jenny1232

Anvilhead.. He has only been hospitalized this past week. That's it. It was brain related..

You're so right though. Who worries about dying, and decides to just have a few beers. I'd say, an alcoholic?

Jenny1232

Ugh! The only thing changing this time, is I'M NOT ENGAGING, AND I WILL NO GO TO DINNER, NOR TALK TO HIM TOMORROW.

I REALLY need time to sort through my thoughts. I'm so MAD! I'm so irritated.. but I won't dwell...

I can still gladly use everyones opinion, please.. I must have gone wrong some where here?

dollydo

Here you go again, round n round and accomplishing nothing.

Have you thought about just backing off for awhile and just leave him be? To me, you are coming across as very needy, why not give this relationship a time out?

Go about your life, what is the big rush to be in a committed relationship with a guy who is clearly not interested in that type of relationship at this point in his life?

Explore your options with other guys, have fun, enjoy life!

Jenny1232

"Go about your life, what is the big rush to be in a committed relationship with a guy who is clearly not interested in that type of relationship at this point in his life?

Explore your options with other guys, have fun, enjoy life! "

Oh NOOO. He is sooo "interested" in that type, and if I EVER displayed interest in another man, he'd NEVER speak to me again. I am VERY needy.. I know. It's the lack of communication, and his inability to express what he needs. He tried to lie, so he could go out and drink and not hear about it from me.

I have to admit. I'm still in denial of him being an alcoholic. Does he sound like one? I just.. don't want to believe he is.

Freedom1990

I'd be willing to bet that a normal (non-alcoholic) fellow who just got out of the hospital for an aneurysm would not go out and have a few beers.

As a matter of fact, I don't think it would be on the to-do list at all.

How's that denial thing working for you? (gratuitously stolen from Dr. Phil)

skope

Wow Jenny those text messages from him sound so similar to ones I've recieved in the past. They always seem to make themselves out to be the victim makin us feel so guilty and then even questioning ourselves, just like you did.

And I agree with freedom... any non-alcoholic who had just been in hospital for something that serious would want to come out n spend time with the one person he missed the most. In this case.. he did the same as what my bf does... turn to alcohol and make excuses for it.

dollydo

I must be missing something...what are the signs that he is interested in a committed relationship?

Jealousy is not an indicator of that, it is an indicator of control.

If he was soooo interested in committment he would not always be pushing you away he would want you involved in his activities and his life. This is not the case. Your own words make that very clear.

To me, he finds you convenient, there when he wants you, otherwise go away.

Exactly what does he do to make you feel special? Where is his emotional support of you?

I am not trying to be mean or hurtful, but, I see no happy future with this man, I only see more turmoil and hurt feelings for you. I'd let him go and move forward with your life.

Dolly

Just Breathe1

Jenny, I understand your frustration, and anger, and wanting to believe that it will get better, or that he will change. The thing that I am coming to realize, however, with my ex is that he it won't get better, and he won't change, atleast not for me, not because I want him to. In my humble opinion I would have to say that yes he is an alcoholic, but that aside, he does not treat you the way you want to be treated. I can not tell you how many times my XABF said some of those exact same things to me. Like how I can make him more like a piece of s**t then anyone else, and how do you expect me to want to be with you when you cause all these problems. It's all a bunch of BS! You are not responsible for how he feels. He feels like a piece of **** because of his actions, and he doesn't want to be around you because he wants to drink. I know it's hard to break away, believe me, I never thought I would be able to do it, but I did, and yes I'm sad, and it hurts like h**l, but atleast I have peace now. At the very least I would suggest atleast taking some time away from him, and in that time, and this part is very important, focus on you, and getting you healthy. All the things that you wish he would work on in himself, you work on in yourself. If you take a break from him, but focus on him and what he's thinking, and how he's feeling, it won't do any good. You need to start taking care of you, and let him worry about him. It's not easy, at all, but it's worth it. We're here for you.

Jadmack25

Whether he is an A or not, he treats you like his scapegoat, heaps all his sh*t on to you, then accuses you of making him miserable. WOW! What a powerful person you are, to be responsible for all that goes wrong for him, and makes his life a misery.

So how come YOU, the Powerful, are home alone and he's out drinking like HE wanted and planned?
It seems both of you are in denial, and neither of you sound exactly happy.

I spent years waiting at home, to hear from my drinking, clubbing and partytime abf, and what a damned waste of my life that all was. I could have been out having fun for me.

As to him being or not being an alcoholic, let me agree with DeVon and others.
When someone who does NOT have a drink problem, gets out of hospital after an aneurysm scare, a lot of other things come before hitting a pub for a few beers.

If under the circumstances, the first cab off your man's thought rank, was "must go to pub, need beer", I think it pretty obvious he has a drinking problem. But, as I said before..does it really matter?

What does matter is how this relationship is panning out, and for you it seems full of you being alone, and him out drinking or bellyaching about you.

If a tooth caused you this much pain, would you just sit and take it, or get it sorted, either by filling or extraction, and the pain stopped.

God bless

HealingWillCome

Reading your posts makes my head spinny Jenny. I can't imagine how exhausting it all must be for YOU. There is one way to make it stop -- get off the roller coaster and don't get back on. Leave the whole freaking amusement park and don't look back. Focus on you and not him. He CANNOT give you what you deserve which is peace. Only you can find that for yourself. Don't expect him or anyone else to fill your void. YOU are the only one who can do that through your own healing and learning to love yourself!

LaTeeDa

You're free to stop doing it whenever you want. The cell door is open. You can step outside of it at any time.

He wants you to "work with him." So did my AH. You do understand what that means, don't you? It means "I'm not changing, so take me the way I am." It's your choice. Do you want him the way he is? If you don't, then you might as well cut your losses, because changing him is not an option. I know. I tried for 20 years.........

L

Freedom1990

I would like to add that I was the Queen of Needy for far too long.

I was continually looking for someone to fill that void inside of me.

Until I was ready to do the internal work, and realize that happiness is an inside job, NOT contingent on anyone else around me, I kept repeating the same painful pattern over and over

Just as the drugs/alcohol were a symptom of my addictions, the unhealthy relationships I picked were a symptom of my broken-ness, my neediness, my flaming untreated codependency.

It doesn't matter if he were Prince Charming. That void will still be there in you, Jenny.

coffeedrinker

Jenny, sweetie, I get it. You got a big scare, you rushed to his side and re-evaluated what REALLY losing him would mean. But that is not, nor is having great sex, nor is having an ocassional great bonding moment, nor is any number of things that can be inside a relationship, enough to keep trying to keep the relationship above water. It's ALL the things in the relationship that make it good, and workable....or not.

I can imagine if I had a life scare and spent a week in the hospital. I'd want to be with those, or the one, that I love most. And not that he doesn't love you, but I think you know what he loves MOST. He has been without his mood-alterers for a week - of course he wants to get back to some of them.

I also have a slightly different take on the story. I think he IS clearly abusive, however, I think you do push his buttons. You didn't scream at him or beg him, you backed off....BUT, you brought up "alcohol wins the day" when I think you know this is a way to engage him in a drinking "discussion". You guys at one time were supposed to have an understanding, and he knows you don't want to be around him if he's drinking. But then he goes to the bar to drink, away from you, yet that is still obviously a problem for you. As it would be for me, or a million other women. If you have a notion that somehow you'll get your way, and he will wake up tomorrow and decide to stop drinking/drugging, I think you know that's prob not gonna happen.

It is so very sad that a few hours out of danger, you two are right back when you were when you last left off, before the hospital. I know too well the pull to the dramatic episodes, and I think that is playing into this thing with you two.

I wish I could think of something encouraging to say, but I do encourage you to seriously take a break from him....the plan you had right before the hospital came up.

Jenny1232

Do you really feel like he was putting me down? I'm so MAD! I do not want to see him. He guilt trips me all the time. Thank you for the feedback.

My friend just said, "I can understand where he is coming from. If I just was in the hospital with a big scare, I'd want to have a few drinks to numb myself." - She's a drinker, but not an alcoholic.

I'm just so darn confused... I gotta say, i don't like thim..

And Anvilhead, that is the millon dolllar question.

Is it him, or somebody? Sometimes.. I think somebody. Othertimes, I think of the amazing love we share, WHEN WE SHARE IT. He can be sooo sweet... he really can. I think it's the him that he showed me in the beginning.

Someone mentioned on here, being 'manipulated into loving him' and I swear, that's how I feel. He shows me what I want to see, gets me where he wants me, then shuts me out, because I know I'm waiting.

Does this classify as abuse? He says I overanalyze things, and make things more serious than they are. Am I?

I'm doubting myself...

Jenny1232

THANK YOU SKOPE... Set aside what my friend said.. if you're scared of dying, why would you NOT want to spend time with the "one you love most". It makes no sense to me. He's full of it.

He is FULL of excuses.. He cried, and swore drinking wasn't a problem. I think this only proves it.

I know I'm obsessing guys. Thank you for your feedback, I truly need it. I've spent countless nights.. in this exact spot.

coffeedrinker

I think you will get more clarity when you have put some distance between you.

That's not a sly way of saying "ditch him girl" but what I mean is that we stay trapped in confusion land when we allow their messed-up messages, and manipulations into our heads. He keeps you spinning, and only with true detachment - mentally, physically, spiritually even - will you begin to sort this out.

(((Hugs)))

Jenny1232

Everyone has offered such great advice, it's even hard to respond to it all. THANK YOU.

So many times lately I've heard, "You either want me, or you don't".

I DON'T
I DON'T
I DON'T

I'm just so dependent, clingy, weak and lonely. I know he won't change. He is in COMPLETE denial.