love123

Hey my name is nicole im 18 and im new on here and dont really know how to use this. Anyways my boyfriend who is 24 whom ive been with for a year is an addict. Ive been with him since june 2009 and in Febuary 2010 he went to an out of state rehab for oxycotton. I knew he had a problem from the start but didnt know how to handle it. But now he has gotten his treatment and is home.

When he got home we had some problems because he wanted to be with me but also i caught him talking to 3 different girls from this rehab. Ive talked to the girls and they told me that they told him that he didnt have a girlfriend but when i confront him its a whole different story. He admitted to talking/flirting with them but not doing anything physically. Either way i have forgiven him and put it in the past.

But also after all this drama he told me i had to change my whole lifestyle. Ive never been the type to do drugs, but yeah im social and go out with friends where alcohol is. I told him i wouldnt drink anymore for him and help him. But now this is makeing me loose all of my friends. Not the not drinking part but the part where i cant even go out to anywhere because there is alcohol. He doesnt trust me to not drink if i go out.

And to add to all this i just turned 18 in april. Ive been going through alot for him because i love him. This isnt a normal 17/18 year old life and he doesnt understand how much i have sacrafised for him. He takes me for granted and minipulates me all the time. And i dont know how to react to all of this because i dont know if hes going to use drugs when we get in arguments or if he'll try killing himself when i say we need time apart or if i ask to go out with my friends (which he has done before and had to go to the hospital to get his stomach pumped).

Honestly i truly want to be with him and help him through whatever. But he says im selfish and greedy for wanting to go out because he says then that i lied to him because i told him i wouldnt go out and i wouldnt drink anymore. He has been 3 months clean and is doing very well. I wouldnt think going out with my friends for a little then coming home to him is a big deal? Am i selfish for saying this?

And im graduating in june and all of my girlfriends are getting a shore house for the week. Our parents are paying for it as a graduationg present and he doesnt want me to go. He swears im going to get drunk or something when i havent drank since hes been home from rehab for him. I want to able to celebrate graduating with my friends, its a one time thing. Am i wrong and selfish for wanting to go? Is it the wrong thing to go? Is it the right thing to stay for him.

Alls i want to do is whats best for him so ive been doing everything to try and not get him mad and want to use. But im getting so over whelmed with everything.. can anyone help me? Or explain to me what i am suppose to do? Please.

hello-kitty

Hi hon. The best way for you to help him is to set really firm boundaries about what you will and will not accept in a boyfriend.

Right now, your actions tell him that you will put up with just about anything - lies, cheating and drugs - because you are so desperate to be with him and help him.

Let him man-up and deal with his addiction. He's 24 and if he ever wants to be more than a drug addict he needs to help himself. That's the only way to recover from addiction. If he can't do it on his own, he'll never be able to stay clean for long and he'll take you down with him.

Go on your shore trip. Have fun. You have your whole life ahead of you.

outtolunch

Is there a reason you want to be with someone who projects his problems on you and has this need to control you? What's up with asking for permission to go out with your friends? You are not under any obligation to do what's best for him.

Doing what he wants you to do is not going to keep him sober. He alone owns that. You don't have that kind of power over anyone.

Enjoy the summer house with your friends.
If he threatens suicide, dial 911 and let the professionals deal with him.

love123

Thank you!

I always feel like im doing the wrong thing. He always says "well you were the one who said you werent going to go out and you werent going to drink anymore". I mean i did say that and thats why i feel like i have to ask him if its okay or if it will bother him.

I dont want him to control me, but i dont want to lose him. And i dont know what to do to make him understand where i am coming from because he always thinks that i am wrong. And then when we try to talk he flips it around on me and says i always think he is wrong.

This situation is so hard, because hes hurt me so bad in the past with the girls from the rehab. Considering when he was gone i was talking to his mom everyday to see how he was and couldnt wait for him to come home. And then i offered to change my whole lifestyle for him, and he just takes advantage of it. And says im always wrong, you cant do this with an addict, etc.

Does this ever change later in the recovery or is it always going to be like this?

wuzzled

You are so young, and have your whole life ahead of you. Living life for someone else, making sacrifices to keep them happy will ultimately lead to resentments for you.

One of the hardest things for me to finally figure out is that I could not "help" my AH through anything. He, and only he, could help himself. His recovery is something I have to keep hands off of, and let him find his own way. I too, need to find my own way and work on me, take care of me. I am learning to do this through Al-anon support. Actually, the best thing I can do for him and myself, is work on me.

Keeping focus on yourself and doing what's best for you is far more productive and healthy. No one should have to live life trying not to upset someone for fear he will use drugs. You are not responsible for what choices he makes. Living on egg shells sucks!

Living with an addict, active or recovering is not easy. Addicts are addicts for life, even when in recovery. Either way, it is a difficult road to travel!

Celebrating graduation is a one-time thing and you should be able to go enjoy yourself and have fun with your friends. Congrats of graduating and know you have your whole life ahead. Make choices for you and no one else.

hello-kitty

Just because he's clean doesn't mean that his personality is going to change. He obviously has issues that he needs to work through - on his own. That's what recovery is - working on your issues. Fixing yourself. Stopping the drug use is just the first step when it comes to recovery.

A controlling, manipulative nature has absolutely nothing to do with recovery and everything to do with unexamined character flaws. And if your boyfriend was truly working his recovery, he wouldn't be treating you that way.


You cannot change him. You can only change yourself.

What about you? Do you think it's a little odd that you are so desperately committed to a relationship with someone that you have to change your entire lifestyle to please? And even then he's not pleased?

Why do you want to be with someone who thinks you are always wrong? Why do you want to be with someone who hurts you so badly?

That's not healthy. That's toxic love.





"If I lay down and act like a doormat, I shouldn't be surprised when people step on me." ~Katie

love123

See thats what i dont get he has a full time job, his step father owns a buisness which he works for and makes really good money, he has a car (nicer then mine), he has a place his moms house, he did have his own condo which is mom owned but his mom doesnt think he can handle living there again yet.

I do believe the girl over him and ive told him that. I just thought id give him the benifit of the doubt and give him another chance because i love him.

He didnt tell me i had to change my whole life stlye i kinda of offered i think but i know and he knows if i didnt then we wouldnt even be together. I feel like most of my confusion and feelings are my fault because i offered. And i was only trying to help.

I feel like if i breakup with him im going to be heartbroken because i love him so much, he does so much nice things for me, but is just so controling. I also am going to feel like i abandoned him and just left him when i said i would always be there for him.

I guess i just need to figure this out and make a final decision.

Impurrfect

(((Love123))) - I wasn't much older than you, when I got with my first love. Though he was still drinking, he was a functioning alcoholic...held a job, paid his bills, had a nice boat we went to the lake on a lot. He was also a very controlling guy. I thought I couldn't live without him. I tried to do everything he wanted me to do, forgave him for other women, gave up time with my family, etc. I spent TWENTY+ years with this guy!! Worst thing I ever did. I lost me..had no idea who I was when I finally walked away from him. Even developed my OWN addiction during this time.

You are never going to be "good enough" for him. He will always find some fault with you. I know...I've been there. He will blame you for whatever is bothering him. He can do something wrong, twist it around to where YOU end up apologizing in the end.

You can't change him. This isn't "recovery". I'm convinced that even if my XABF had gotten sober, he would have still been toxic. He wanted things HIS way or the highway.

PLEASE listen to everyone here, and start doing what YOU want to do. So, you said you wouldn't drink. You have a right to change your mind. This is YOUR life, not his. If he threatens suicide, call 911. If he takes pills, that's because he WANTS to..he's just using you as an excuse. I've got 3 years of recovery, and I've been through a LOT of bad stuff, but NOTHING has driven me back to using.

Go to the shore for your graduation. He's going to do what he's going to do...no matter what. He may very well be putting all these "rules" on you just so you DO "mess up", so he can have an excuse to blame you for using...something he already wants to do.

Live your life, sweetie. Don't let anyone tell you how to do it.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

hello-kitty

Wow Nicole honey. It just sounds like you are really caught up in his life. A break away with some girlfriends will probably do you good, and if he doesn't like it, he's going to have to get over it. And if he can't, that's his problem. Not yours. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him being controlling and manipulative.

We cannot live our lives always trying to please others. We will fail miserably! Try googling "people pleaser" on the internet and see what you come up with.

This is an exciting time for you - with graduation and all. What are you going to do after graduation, not for him but for you? So that no matter what happens, you can always take care of yourself.

love123

My friends hate him. Hes came to my brothers house once with my brothers friends there. Yes hes very close to his family. And no he doesnt have that many guy friends because most of them do drugs or are drug dealers and hes staying away from that. Hes been tryign to find new friends at his NA meetings but most of them are older.

Thats another thing i feel if he had friends he would be controling me as much. Could that be a reason? Or is it basically just him like everyones saying?

cece1960

Sweetie,
Go on your planned trip. Not because he's controlling, not because he deserves it, just because its an important part of your life that you should enjoy freely, with no guilt.

I tend not to paint the world of addicts with the same brush by assuming I know them. There are many, many recovering addicts that are not all of the selfish things that were mentioned above. I commend your BF on his clean time, and I truly hope he can continue with his meetings, stay on track and learn to lead a healthy happy life.

Was he always like this? Its possible that his own struggles are causing him to latch on and fear that he isn't good enough, or strong enough on his own. If his own self esteem is lacking, then its sometimes a natural response to doubt others. I saw this in my son, often. The flirting, the controlling, the accusations...all scream of low self esteem and insecurity.

But you know what? As long as you comply, its working for him, so it will continue. Do you want this to continue throughout the relationship? Then the best thing you could do, for the both of you, is say no. Its that simple...no. We have a saying here, "no is a complete sentence". Give him a little space, let him deal with his issues with those that have been there and understand (NA). If he can learn to grow, and trust (including himself) then maybe there is a chance for the relationship to grow. If it continues in this way, it will not last without you sacrificing every bit of yourself for him. Nothing and no one is worth that.

Congratulations on your graduation

(((Hugs)))

love123

Thank you Cece!

Ehhh he was always a little controling and insecure, but not as serious. He always used to not care if i went out with friends, if i drank, or anything like that. But i think because i was the one who said i wasnt going to out to parties or drink anymore it made him more controling. Because he would always say you lied to me you said you wouldnt do that, etc. I honestly dont care about the partying, im not missing out on anything it just leades to trouble. But like i said i just really want to go to the shore with the girls and have a fun time to celebrate graduation without him getting mad at me, break up with me, or be insecure about me going.

hello-kitty

Well, he may get mad at you about it. He may threaten to break up with you over it. He may be insecure about it.

Are you going to let those things change your decision to go?

Or will your decision be based on the fact that this may be the last opportunity for you and your high school girlfriends to get together before you start to go your separate ways into adulthood?

Jenny1232

I can tell you with a 100% certainty that if you DO NOT go to the beach.. you WILL regret it, at one point or another. You're so young! GO! He will get over it. This is your treat, and you deserve it!

kj3880

When I was not much older than you, I read the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beatty. Even though I still tend to people please, after reading the book, I became more aware and had some tools to fight that tendency. I am still learning how to be me after all these years. That book changed my life so much for the better. I urge you to read it as soon as possible. It will help you to see that your bf is acting inappropriately. You also need desperately to set some boundaries. Have you considered therapy? It might be useful, as it was for me, in breaking free from people-pleasing behavior and thought patterns.

You are in chains right now and you are holding the key right in your hands. Take 'em off sister, and fly free!

Love,
KJ

dollydo

Good advice posted ahead of me.

All I can add is that, at your age, you need him like an eskimo needs an air conditioner.

Move on girl, you have your whole life ahead of you, there are many, many great guys out there, go meet yourself one.

Dolly

rose

Love,

You have been given some great advise from some very knowledgable people. I know you probably don't like some of the advise but just look at what has gone on in one year with him and more is yet to come. Being envolved with a man like this will hinder your life and cause you a great deal of problems. Don't miss out on this time of your life, you can never get it back again. There as so many exciting, fun and enjoyable men out there. Date, go out with your girlfriends, live your life happy, carefree and healthy.

Rose

love123

Thanks to everyone so much!

Ive decided to tell him i was going down the shore, and i didnt want to lie to him and have him catch me in a lie so i told i was most likely going to drink. I said it was my life and i am aloud to change my mind.

But now hes saying that if i drink hes going to go get pills. And hes saying that i broke my promise and comitment to him by saying i was going to drink but now drinking. Hes trying to flip everything on me and i dont know what to say to him?

Freedom1990

Agree 100%.

Go have a good time with your friends, hon.

cece1960

Yep, makes sense to me. Time to get excited about things to come!