Feeling sad and guilty.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1
Feeling sad and guilty.
Hello, I would like to get to the immediate issue that I am having without having to tell you the whole story which is very very long. In short, I have a 19 year old son who has been a substance abuser since he was about 14 years old. I say "about" because I am not exactly sure when he started all this since he kept it well hidden from me until at least 16 years of age when he had become so unmanageable that he was able to over power and bully me, and I had no control over him anymore. Then he was no longer afraid to let me know everything he was doing because if I did anything about it he could just tear up the house, beat me up, and threaten to kill me. Up until then I tried to get authorities to help me with him, but I finally gave up because all the authorities would do is give him a little slap on the ninnies and send him right back home for me to deal with. I have come to the conclusion that the reason the authorities and doctors won't do anything about it is because no one is willing or able to pay for his necessary hospitalization, not even his health insurance is willing to pay.
Up until his 18th birthday he was mostly only addicted to marijuana. About six months after that he got connected up with some people where he got his hands on xanax and oxycotton, and possibly some other things. I don't know for sure because, personally, I don't know all these drugs, the names of them, and what they are about. It was bad enough when he was addicted to pot that I finally took him to a psychiatrist hoping that would help. Boy was I wrong. The first psychiatrist practically threw him out of the office the minute we told him he had a marijuana problem. The second one, we didn't tell him right away for fear he would refuse to treat him too. My son also has anxiety disorders, OCD the most prominent, but also phobias and bi-polar. I suppose the reason he abuses all these drugs is to self-medicate.
In January, after a violent incident and the police were dispatched to my home, I gave my son the permanent boot from my home. He's been living with his father (who is an alcoholic) ever since. I have washed my hands of the whole thing, or at least I have tried to. My son still calls me all the time and tells me everything (more than I want to know) about what he's been up to. I have tried to make him understand how every time he calls me and all he talks about is drugs how it just gets me upset and I'd rather he not call me unless he has something more pleasant to talk about (which he never does). No surprise, we always end up arguing.
Any way, here's the immediate problem. My son has an appointment with his psychiatrist this afternoon. I don't really know why I am suppose to go to it. It was decided a month or so ago that both my ex-husband and I should both go to this appointment to convince the doctor (of something?) I don't know what. I think it's just another tactic of my son's to get a doctor to write him scripts for stronger drugs for him to abuse (and sell to his friends).
I have sort of decided that I am not going to show up. The reason being that I feel that it's just going to be a big waste of my time. I am either going to have to sit there and say nothing, or if I open my mouth and say truthfully what's on my mind, they will all be looking at me like I am the one who is crazy. So what is the use in my going? I hope it's not the wrong thing to do, but I have been through this before many times and it is always the same thing. Nothing gets resolved. My son is still turned out into the streets to endanger his life every day abusing substances. When I try to tell them he's a drug addict or substance abuser, no one believes me. I've taken my son to the ER various times while under the influence of drugs in the hopes that they will believe me and hospitalize him, but they do nothing but turn him loose again on society.
My husband is in denial and ignorance as to our son's problems. For one, he (my ex) is only just getting to know our son after he has been mostly absent from his life and only an occasional visitor before last January. And secondly, he's an alcoholic himself and he remembers well that I accused him of being an alcoholic all the time which he is in denial of. My son puts on his almost "normal" act every time he goes to his psychiatrist which manages to fool everyone but me. My son always ends up regretting it later on because then the doc doesn't write better scripts for him because he appeared to be improving or a normal sane person. I am suspicious that my husband is only going to this appointment to help my son get more drugs to abuse. That's one of the reasons I have stopped having anything to do with taking my son to any doctor appointments of any kind. I have caught on to it that he's only trying to get doctors to write scripts for drugs that he then subsequently abuses and sells on the streets. He's even faked illnesses and got me to take him to the ER so he could get scripts.
So, do you think I am wrong not to go to my son's appointment? Also, last time my son called I basically told him never to call me again unless he can do it without mentioning drugs. So my son says, "That means I have no one to talk to about it". I said, "right". I don't want to hear about it. It upsets me too much. It breaks my heart to know my son is so ill and out of control and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it except pray for him. So, is it wrong of me to tell him he can not talk about it with me anymore?
Up until his 18th birthday he was mostly only addicted to marijuana. About six months after that he got connected up with some people where he got his hands on xanax and oxycotton, and possibly some other things. I don't know for sure because, personally, I don't know all these drugs, the names of them, and what they are about. It was bad enough when he was addicted to pot that I finally took him to a psychiatrist hoping that would help. Boy was I wrong. The first psychiatrist practically threw him out of the office the minute we told him he had a marijuana problem. The second one, we didn't tell him right away for fear he would refuse to treat him too. My son also has anxiety disorders, OCD the most prominent, but also phobias and bi-polar. I suppose the reason he abuses all these drugs is to self-medicate.
In January, after a violent incident and the police were dispatched to my home, I gave my son the permanent boot from my home. He's been living with his father (who is an alcoholic) ever since. I have washed my hands of the whole thing, or at least I have tried to. My son still calls me all the time and tells me everything (more than I want to know) about what he's been up to. I have tried to make him understand how every time he calls me and all he talks about is drugs how it just gets me upset and I'd rather he not call me unless he has something more pleasant to talk about (which he never does). No surprise, we always end up arguing.
Any way, here's the immediate problem. My son has an appointment with his psychiatrist this afternoon. I don't really know why I am suppose to go to it. It was decided a month or so ago that both my ex-husband and I should both go to this appointment to convince the doctor (of something?) I don't know what. I think it's just another tactic of my son's to get a doctor to write him scripts for stronger drugs for him to abuse (and sell to his friends).
I have sort of decided that I am not going to show up. The reason being that I feel that it's just going to be a big waste of my time. I am either going to have to sit there and say nothing, or if I open my mouth and say truthfully what's on my mind, they will all be looking at me like I am the one who is crazy. So what is the use in my going? I hope it's not the wrong thing to do, but I have been through this before many times and it is always the same thing. Nothing gets resolved. My son is still turned out into the streets to endanger his life every day abusing substances. When I try to tell them he's a drug addict or substance abuser, no one believes me. I've taken my son to the ER various times while under the influence of drugs in the hopes that they will believe me and hospitalize him, but they do nothing but turn him loose again on society.
My husband is in denial and ignorance as to our son's problems. For one, he (my ex) is only just getting to know our son after he has been mostly absent from his life and only an occasional visitor before last January. And secondly, he's an alcoholic himself and he remembers well that I accused him of being an alcoholic all the time which he is in denial of. My son puts on his almost "normal" act every time he goes to his psychiatrist which manages to fool everyone but me. My son always ends up regretting it later on because then the doc doesn't write better scripts for him because he appeared to be improving or a normal sane person. I am suspicious that my husband is only going to this appointment to help my son get more drugs to abuse. That's one of the reasons I have stopped having anything to do with taking my son to any doctor appointments of any kind. I have caught on to it that he's only trying to get doctors to write scripts for drugs that he then subsequently abuses and sells on the streets. He's even faked illnesses and got me to take him to the ER so he could get scripts.
So, do you think I am wrong not to go to my son's appointment? Also, last time my son called I basically told him never to call me again unless he can do it without mentioning drugs. So my son says, "That means I have no one to talk to about it". I said, "right". I don't want to hear about it. It upsets me too much. It breaks my heart to know my son is so ill and out of control and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it except pray for him. So, is it wrong of me to tell him he can not talk about it with me anymore?
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Never, Never land
Posts: 2,851
Hi, welcome to SR.
So sorry to hear the problem you are dealing with. You are absolutely right to tell him not to call you if all he is going to talk about is drugs.
This part, is just my opinion so take it for what it's worth. As far as the doctor's appointment, I think you should go. Let the doctor know that he is an addict and ask the doc to put him on Non-Narcotic options for his meds. Let him know that he abuses them and sells them. Tell the doc about his history to give him an idea of what he is dealing with.
Also, If possible, you may want to find a psychiatrist who specializes in addictions counseling. I don't know where you are from, but the national counsel on Alcholism and drug addiction is a good place to start to find help in the state and county that you live in. I can't remember the web address of the top of my head, but I am sure if you do a google search (or whatever search engine you use) you will be able to find it easily.
There are alot of resources out there.
You might also want to consider going to Ala-non or Nar-anon meetings. (if you don't already go). You will find alot of people there who are understanding of what you are going through.
I will keep you and your son in my prayers
So sorry to hear the problem you are dealing with. You are absolutely right to tell him not to call you if all he is going to talk about is drugs.
This part, is just my opinion so take it for what it's worth. As far as the doctor's appointment, I think you should go. Let the doctor know that he is an addict and ask the doc to put him on Non-Narcotic options for his meds. Let him know that he abuses them and sells them. Tell the doc about his history to give him an idea of what he is dealing with.
Also, If possible, you may want to find a psychiatrist who specializes in addictions counseling. I don't know where you are from, but the national counsel on Alcholism and drug addiction is a good place to start to find help in the state and county that you live in. I can't remember the web address of the top of my head, but I am sure if you do a google search (or whatever search engine you use) you will be able to find it easily.
There are alot of resources out there.
You might also want to consider going to Ala-non or Nar-anon meetings. (if you don't already go). You will find alot of people there who are understanding of what you are going through.
I will keep you and your son in my prayers
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
First of all, welcome to SR!
No, you are not wrong.
I have very limited contact with my 32 year old AD. The only reason I have any contact is because my 14 year old granddaughter now lives with her, and it's important for me to have a good relationship with my granddaughter.
There have been occasions with my AD where she has started talking about how she sells some of her Xanax script for extra cash, and I will flat out hang up.
I have boundaries. She knows those boundaries.
I will no longer take a front seat to her addiction.
She's an adult, and she has the right to make her own choices, poor though they may be.
As far as your son not having anyone else to talk to? That's BS.
He's also a big boy now and can see the psychiatrist on his own.
I'd highly recommend getting your hands on a copy of the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. It's an excellent book.
Also, check into Alanon or Naranon meetings in your area. Alanon tends to be more widely available.
Addiction affects the entire family, even when the addict is no longer in the home. The disappointments, the anger, the lost sleep and worries/anxiety, the violence as you described leaves us with wounds.
We need to heal ourselves from those effects, to find recovery for ourselves.
I hope you continue to post, and know you are among friends who understand.
No, you are not wrong.
I have very limited contact with my 32 year old AD. The only reason I have any contact is because my 14 year old granddaughter now lives with her, and it's important for me to have a good relationship with my granddaughter.
There have been occasions with my AD where she has started talking about how she sells some of her Xanax script for extra cash, and I will flat out hang up.
I have boundaries. She knows those boundaries.
I will no longer take a front seat to her addiction.
She's an adult, and she has the right to make her own choices, poor though they may be.
As far as your son not having anyone else to talk to? That's BS.
He's also a big boy now and can see the psychiatrist on his own.
I'd highly recommend getting your hands on a copy of the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. It's an excellent book.
Also, check into Alanon or Naranon meetings in your area. Alanon tends to be more widely available.
Addiction affects the entire family, even when the addict is no longer in the home. The disappointments, the anger, the lost sleep and worries/anxiety, the violence as you described leaves us with wounds.
We need to heal ourselves from those effects, to find recovery for ourselves.
I hope you continue to post, and know you are among friends who understand.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
"That means I have no one to talk to about it".
Narcotics/Alcoholics Anonymous are free
As long as your son is using, no psych meds are going to work, and no one is going to put him in the hospital unless he becomes a danger to himself. By the way, bipolar and pot don't mix. Weed is making him bipolar and or making it worse.
I agree you're doing the right thing, too.
I hope you'll consider Alanon or another 12 step program for yourself. You'll learn how to help yourself and in turn, help others. Real help, not the enabling kind.
Oh... there are some very insightful topics pinned at the top of the forum
Narcotics/Alcoholics Anonymous are free
As long as your son is using, no psych meds are going to work, and no one is going to put him in the hospital unless he becomes a danger to himself. By the way, bipolar and pot don't mix. Weed is making him bipolar and or making it worse.
I agree you're doing the right thing, too.
I hope you'll consider Alanon or another 12 step program for yourself. You'll learn how to help yourself and in turn, help others. Real help, not the enabling kind.
Oh... there are some very insightful topics pinned at the top of the forum
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Way to set boundaries and start getting "your life" back.
Go to al-anon and therapy
Learn your part in the dysfunction.
Work hard at your own recovery. Learn + grow ...let it begin w/ you.
TODAY, I have a fab relationship w/ my recovering son, because we both changed.
ADDICTION IS A FAMILY DISEASE. WE EACH CAN CHOOSE TO LIVE DIFFERENTLY
NO MATTER WHAT THE OTHERS ARE DOING.
YEA FOR YOU FOR STARTING THE JOURNEY.
detaching is the best place to begin.
Go to al-anon and therapy
Learn your part in the dysfunction.
Work hard at your own recovery. Learn + grow ...let it begin w/ you.
TODAY, I have a fab relationship w/ my recovering son, because we both changed.
ADDICTION IS A FAMILY DISEASE. WE EACH CAN CHOOSE TO LIVE DIFFERENTLY
NO MATTER WHAT THE OTHERS ARE DOING.
YEA FOR YOU FOR STARTING THE JOURNEY.
detaching is the best place to begin.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
madretriste,
how'd it go with the dr? did you go? i guess i would have some contact with that doc, even if you didn't go today, you can always call him/her. i'm sure the doc would appreciate your perspective.
i know these characters can be magnificent actors, and can often convince others of their sanity. but....the psychiatrist is trained. he should be able to discern pretty readily if your son is a little skewed in his thinking.
i'm sorry you have to go through this.
how'd it go with the dr? did you go? i guess i would have some contact with that doc, even if you didn't go today, you can always call him/her. i'm sure the doc would appreciate your perspective.
i know these characters can be magnificent actors, and can often convince others of their sanity. but....the psychiatrist is trained. he should be able to discern pretty readily if your son is a little skewed in his thinking.
i'm sorry you have to go through this.
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