posiesperson

I know this isn't a new issue, I've read other posts on this... I got an e-mail from my ex. The timing is impeccable, just as I was recognizing a new layer of grief about the relationship being over, WHAM! The words were something like "Hello, thought I'd send you this funny e-mail that reminded me of you. Wishing you well." (And it was indeed a funny e-mail, and definitely tied in with a fond memory from the relationship.)

Gulp. I knew this was coming, I could FEEL it. I'm not kidding, I really felt it coming for about the last week. It's like mind-reading or something, it's the same dynamic that allowed me to know when there had been contact with the person there was not supposed to be contact with (due to the affair that happened right before we got together). I ALWAYS KNEW, even if the contact was denied, and sometimes I knew before it even happened. Can anyone else relate to this?!!?

The next thing for me is deciding what to do with this e-mail contact. I keep reminding myself of how good I've been feeling, even pulled up the list of "what I don't miss about my ex" and it helped. But I won't pretend, there's still that strand of hope that wants to believe the well is anything but empty, even though we know, know, know it's gonna take waaaaaaaaay longer than the 7 or 8 weeks it's been since the breakup for that well to have anything to offer to others. It hurts right now, just when I was already feeling the grief...salt in the wound.

Looking for experience, strength and hope,
posie

tjp613

DANG IT! Where is that post about "pinging"?? He pinged you. Just putting his toe in the water to see how you'll react.

UGH!!

DO. NOT. RESPOND.

tjp613

Here it is!!

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post2602237

Trying2Fly

Uhgh. Don't you hate it when they do that? I had an ex who would do this...just when I felt good, back in the picture he would come.

Of course you still feel a sense of hope; you wouldn't be human if you did not grieve the end of the relationship and think about the "shoulda woulda couldas". It sounds like you are doing a healthy thing--reminding yourself of the things you DON'T miss about him, rather than dwelling on the things that you did/do miss.

Maybe just put the email away for a few days and then decide how (and if) to respond? Are you okay with him contacting you out of the blue? Or do you feel better without the contact? How has his contact disrupted your focus on yourself and your ability to move forward? Maybe examining these questions can help you decide what to do.

Wishing you hugs and good thoughts.

Still Waters

Play the tape all the way through. Has anything really changed? Play the tape all the way through.

coffeedrinker

oh my gosh, posie.

way to throw you for a loop. i know this is so typical -- maybe that will help with the perspective you need to put this in.

mine has a knack for that type of "showing up" as well, although it's never been weeks. it just sucks.

remember, you do not have to have all, or any, answers today. i think getting past the initial kick in the stomach is very, very helpful.

we're here with you

naive

i think it is a good idea to delay for a couple of days and keep doing your recovery work and see how you feel come, say, monday.

ride it out. this too will pass.

tpen

I can relate as I have experienced it. I call it love, true love. I understand Mothers also know when something isn't right.

I hope and pray that you find your way through this. NC brings so many good things. Keep working on you! Or, if you feel in your heart it is right take a peek.

Kassie2

Hi posie,

Sure can relate. When I first came here this time, I had just gone NC with husband - asked for a real separation. He agreed and then starts calling me wish I ignored and then emailing started with I ignored after getting support here. People reminded me that he was not respecting my boundaries or what I had asked. By the end of the day, the emails went from nice to mean allowing me to learn once again that nothing had changed.

I can also relate to that second sense of knowing when they are about to contact us - often. In the past, it would go well, so I had high expectations this year, but each contact has gone badly this year. Each time I found myself hurt and angry. I realized that we can sense the need to contact etc b/c we know them. We can read them, we know their patterns, we know how they think and how they handle things. Nothing special about it.

That leads me to what others asked - how does your body react when he contacts you or raises a memory - do you follow the positive memory to the point of where you are now in the relationship and why - does the contact distract you - anger you - make you weepy? I get all off center and hate it! I am still unrealistically waiting for the day the "good" call comes through - but toughening up and working on my realistic thinking vs daydreaming.

posiesperson

Well, good morning. It's so important to me to have your perspectives, thank you for sharing your wisdom. Have any of you had contact with an ex and had it go well on a friendship level? It's been so soon since our breakup, I'm wondering if I'm completely deluding myself, or leaving myself wide open to be ripped to emotional shreds again.

What I want to be able to do is to look at the REALITY of ex, not my FANTASY of how the relationship COULD have been...and those nasty little whispers in my head that keep me holding onto hope. I flirt with the notion of being friends. I wonder, seductively, if being friends would allow me to let go of that relationship, evolve it into friendship and still move on. After all, my exhusband and I have been able to do this...but he's not an active addict, either...never has been, even though he has some of the manipulative and passive-aggressive behaviors.

I still feel muddled about this, so I guess it's best to leave it alone for now. I'm still actively abandoning myself if I'm focused on what my ex wants (and I am) so that speaks volumes. I have an Alanon meeting tomorrow so I think I'll let myself off the hook, so to speak, from making a decision about this today.

Prescription for self: more coffee, nice walk with puppy, don't e-mail until I get more clear, more meditation, get my office work done, and be prepared to have a great holiday weekend with friends. Right?

posie

brundle

OH I feel for you! My ex has been calling and then I get divorce papers. It's always like he pulls on my heart strings on one end then hits me with a bat in the back of the head. I liked it much better when he hated me. Hang in there. I keep writing down what it is I really want in a relationship. My ex's past actions and the fact that he really doesn't want to change would mean he wouldn't be somebody to even look twice at. Then it's up to me to remind myself that no matter what our history. I deserve better; and I want better.
Hugs,
Nan
Ps... My ex... is trying the "friend" thing... I don't recommend it. We've been apart 6 months. I'm much better staying away from him. They are too good at what they do.

lulu1974

every time we have contact..its like being sucked into the hole of pain. recently i realized i am not the only one he does this too. he can and has hurt whoever gets involved with him. it wont stop until he gets real and I mean real help. this illness is spiritual, mental and physical. so the person we once knew is wayyyyy gone. i am crawling out of this and I look to all the happy people on here that have been though this and have won. i am practicing to leave him to his HP and hope he finds peace. having any kind of contact makes my body shake and my mind goes cookoo. lol. they have no guilt, they have no regret all they know how to do is to manipulate to get what they want. these As are in so mich pain they are desparate to try to stop ii in any way..this brings alcohol into the picture. Which only destroys everything. Please think about what you will do. Opening the door is like letting a monster in. Easier said than done I know and I struggle with this everyday.................but I see a light. I pray and God has me. My HP is the only one I need to open the door for.
Hugs
Lulu

posiesperson

Gawd, anvil, I know I can count on you to spell it out EXACTLY as it is and I so appreciate it! But I have to say, if it were from anybody other than my ex I'd probably respond if I liked the joke (and I did). I'd say something nice and chatty and share that I appreciate the laugh. I think that's part of why this is so hard...it's not my "natural setting" to NOT respond to this e-mail. Maybe that's part of my problem, I care about others too damn much or something. I want others to know that I appreciate them and the gifts that they bring into my life. I probably sound like a major codie case, and no doubt I am in some ways, but there are some qualities about that level of compassion and understanding of others that I really like.

I know that this is a slippery slope and an active A is not your average Joe, so to speak. I know this is loaded with hooks and triggers and emotions and I'm sick and tired of venturing into pain. And maybe I just need to get tougher with myself and say, "Hey, apparently I'm not sick and tired ENOUGH or I'd just delete the damn e-mail, no matter what!!!"

I feel like I'm treading the fine line between being forgiving and being a doormat. Quick, someone point out the difference...I'm afraid I might forget.

Sigh,
posie

Kassie2

In response to your question about having a decent/friendship type convo when apart - I tried it - it only worked when we was sober and in AA.

He isn't anymore and when I went NC, he asked for a divorce. He suggested that we could be friendly if I would get the divorce and pay for it. When I told him I didn't want to - he withdrew his offer to be friends. Obviously, not sober, not in recovery, not thinking about anyone but himself.

When he brought up the idea of a mutual divorce I couldn't help laughing. I told him that if we can't talk about everyday things what makes him think we can get a cooperative divorce. Still on opposite ends of life - he likes to drink and I don't like him when he is drinking. It is that simple.

Friendship or friendly conversation could be a dream.

posiesperson

Righto, okay, got it. I've felt the serenity that comes with forgiveness, truly felt it. I suspect all of this is tied to how I've been ticked off lately with all the memories of crappy stuff that happened in the relationship (read: crap I was on the receiving end of, and accepted that role) and whammo! got an e-mail. Which, by the way, I haven't deleted yet. Guess I'm not ready to give up the doormat completely.

Argh.

posie

Thumper

I can share that my xah has emailed me a couple 'nicer' emails. Short, something relevant, something I might like to respond to. There is a minuscule (very minuscule for me, lol) part of me that longs for just an easy friendship with the man that has shared my adult life. There is so much history there. However.... I ignore them. I will continue to ignore them. Know why? I wait long enough and I'll get another email - one that is dripping in triggers of a different kind because the nice hooks and triggers didn't do the trick so time to move on to the emotionally manipulative and blaming ones. Do I want to be friends with someone like that? No.

posiesperson

I'm gaining some important insights today thanks to the input, gaining clarity.

Okay, yes. An e-mail has me this rattled. In fact, I was LESS rattled when we ran into each other in a store. There's something about having to alter the way I'd respond to ANYONE else in my life. I don't want "special rules" for dealing with my ex. I'm stomping my feet over here, can you hear it? I WANT THIS TO LOOK LIKE EVERYONE ELSE IN MY LIFE. I want to be able to send an e-mail and not have it hurt. I want to not be triggered by this, which is why I'm flirting with writing back (playing with fire, perhaps) because I think I'd love nothing more than to be able to e-mail back a simple "thanks, that was funny, hope you're well, too" and have that be IT.

But will that be it? Maybe it's just my codependency looking for a way to weasel in. Or maybe this is a chance to stand in my power with such force that even I will be amazed. I'm already doing it with other people in my life (and, if I do say so myself, I'm doing a damn good job with that at work, with the exhusband, with friends, with my kids) and I want to do that with my exA. I'm annoyed with myself that I am this reactive but I'm wondering if part of it is because by NOT writing I'm actually not being myself--the new and improved version!

I have to ask myself (and am open to opinions), is that completely delusional, or am I crossing into a new area of growth here?

ARGH.

posie

posiesperson

Thanks Thumper. Hm. Maybe this is my anger talking, too, definitely been in the anger/sadness cycle the last couple of weeks. Nothing overwhelming, but more present than in weeks before that.

My inner kiddo is throwing a tiny bit of a temper tantrum over here. And perhaps talking myself in circles.

posie

Freedom1990

My sponsor did this to me several times, especially early on when my then crazed delusional AH would call me after I had moved away (this was back in the day before caller ID).

He'd tell me to look at the facts.

I had a tendency to run with the emotions and make it a huge hairy deal that completely turned me upside down for days on end.

It was hard learning not to react and run with it. I'd stay on the phone with AH while he was busy shredding me emotionally. I felt obligated to stay the course through the entire conversation.

After one particularly upsetting call from AH, I called my sponsor sobbing.

He said, "Did you ever consider just hanging up on him before the conversation ever starts?!"

That had never even entered my mind.

The first time I did it, I immediately felt tremendous guilt, and it took everything I had in me not to call AH back and apologize, but I didn't.

Each time it got easier. It was no longer sending me into a tailspin.

He eventually quit calling.

No contact was so much better for me emotionally and spiritually.

If nothing else, you have the option to filter his emails so they go directly to the trash.

Freedom1990

PS. Where are pictures of that puppy?!!!!!!