Iwanttoheal

Today I met with my mother - it has been 3 weeks since I saw her last and will be another 3 weeks before I see her again. First step forward - limiting my contact with her is definitely good for my recovery.

Second step forward - hard to explain this one but I'll do my best. As some of you will know, everyday life is very tough going at the moment dealing with doctors, social and benefit services for my son who has Autism. Today I took some time to explain to my mother yet again exactly how tough it was for me - I laid it all out, no embellishments, just the facts. The difference today was that I had no expectations.

Why did I do this, it was almost like a test for her, as if I needed to see with my own eyes what my head already knew - I needed validation. Sure enough it came - there was no sympathy or empathy for me; or any admiration or pride in how I was coping with tough situations. She just cannot express love. She cannot say:
I am so sorry that you are having to go through this, it must be really difficult
I am proud of the way that you are meeting this head on, you are doing really well
She cannot offer practical assistance even though she is financially very well off (somehow I paid for coffee yet again, even though I'm in debt - hmmnnnn)

I am very calm, not numb but calm - the desperate need for her to SEE ME and HEAR ME has gone. She will never be the mother I need but the need has gone, if that makes any sense - I am okay with it. It was as if I was just telling my story to a complete stranger, someone who I expected nothing from in return - there was no emotional response in me. I feel serene and this is major for me.

So, am I out the woods - nope. The usual emotional manipulations ensued - I had to ring her because she worried about me; I had to go out with her more often because it would be good for me; I needed to go to the doctor because she was worried about me; she had no money and couldn't manage her garden on her own but was having improvements made to the house and was planning her next holiday in August - quack, quack, quack...

I held firm to my boundaries, I decide when and if I see her, I no longer drop everything to meet her needs. I really felt her pushing hard to get her own way but I managed to hold firm - so that's 3 big steps forward for me today.

I'm not sad, I'm not unhappy, I'm not victorious (sp?) - I'm just calm and serene - it's lovely.

There's still a lot more work to do - I need to work out this warped sense of duty or odd loyalty that I still have - you know the old "honour thy father and mother" and "blood is thicker than water" programming but that can be for another day. Tonight is for serenity.

Thanks for reading, IWTHxxx

suki44883

That's wonderful to hear. I think the first step is getting past the expectations and you seem to have conquered that. Without expectations, she really can't hurt you. Keep doing what you are doing and I think you'll be just fine.

DesertEyes

Oh my goodness what a wonderful post. That is just awesome recovery you are showing there. Just a few weeks ago you were feeling completely the opposite and look at you now. I am certainly impressed at how well you handled your mother and in such a short time. You are absolutely right that those are 3 huge steps forward for you. Well done.



Enjoy your night of serenity, you've earned it.

Mike

tromboneliness

"Quack, quack, quack" --

Not needing to be victorious is important, too. As I put it with regard to my Dad, I don't need to win this game -- all I need is a tie.

T

cymbal

Congratulations on your progress!!!!! I know hard hard it is to lay down my expectations!!!!!

EveningRose

Great to hear!