berrytea

Hi everyone! I'm new to recovery and to this site. This is going to be long, sorry! Today marks 2 months without drinking for me. I'm happy about this, but at the same time I've questioning my recovery alot. I went into treatment for alcohol and was there for 19 days. At first I hated the meetings, and was not very receptive to the 12 step method. I never had any intention of remaining sober for the rest of my life, thinking that once I figured out why I hate people so much I woulden't need to drink the way I did. When I left, I still hated meetings but took my case manager's advice and went to AA on the outside.
In the beginning I really liked AA, even though I'm not convinced alcoholism is for life. I got a sponsor and worked the steps; I felt like I was learning alot about myself and that I was making progress. The people were friendly and I spent time with a few women who I liked.
Lately though it hasen't been the same. I am getting very burnt out on going to meetings, I feel like I hear not only the same stories but the same sentances...many right out of the Big Book. (Not I don't like the Big Book, had it not been for reading the copy given to me I would have left rehab as soon as I sobered up.) I'm not entirely sure why this bothers me, I guess I'm not sure whose experience, strength, and hope I'm really listening to.
Also, I was religious long before coming to AA, and though that would help me becuase I would have no struggles with any of the "higher power" stuff. Not so, but I'm not sure how to explain it.
I've also recently started smoking marijuana again, and it hasen't changed anything for me. I'm still commited to improving myself, and becuase of this I see it differently than I used to. Even though working the steps has helped me more than I ever thought it would, and I want to keep working them, I'm worried that my sponsor woulden't help me anymore. Should I just quit AA and only work with my counselor? I like AA, and it has been very beneficial, but I'm stuck at the moment with how to proceed with my recovery.

Dream2bClean

Im only a few day sin the program and woulddnt be abl to answer that for you. I have opinions but I think your ?'s would be better answered by someone who really knows what they are talking about and I know on this board someone will some along soon. I only want to offer support and say if you found something that was working, and its healthy and was helping you, dont let it go. But how to tell you exactly what would be recommended in your particular situation I dont know, but I wish you the very best.
<3 Dream

sailorjohn

Welcome!!!

What recovery would you be referring to?

Reading your post, you seem to be confused about the exact nature of alcoholism. Suggest you do a little more research, then let us know what you've learned. You might try starting with the stickies at the top of this forum.

Good luck.

Recovery1983

Welcome Berrytea, I am a newcomer to with 87 days today. I, too, went into a treatment center last year in Feb. When I left the treatment center, I STARTED doing what they said by doing 90 meetings in 90 days. I think I made it to 10 days or so and then I just figured that if I didnt drink that I would be okay. Now, I have realized that it was my alcoholic mind that was rationalizing my decision. I continued to do it my way, which was basically not drink. I thought my life would be so much better because I was not drinking, however, my life just became miserable. I ended up isolating myself and became very introverted. Surprisingly, I lasted 10 months of sobriety but I will tell you that it was very miserable.

I went back out on New Year's Eve and did this on and off cycle until march 2nd. Like people say, nothing changes when you go back out. The bad is still out there and I felt worse going back out because I had all these emotions of guilt and shame attached to the drinking. I remember just getting sick and tired of getting sick and tired.

I think you are way ahead of me compared to when I left the treatment center. You actually are going to AA meetings and you picked up a sponsor and are doing the steps. There are many recovery programs out there and AA is just one of them. With that being said, just because you are proactive in AA, it doesnt mean things will be perfect. People, who have 10,20, or even 30 years of sobriety through AA, still have problems and difficulties in life. It's called living life on life's terms. For me, when I reflect back to my drinking, I realized that I used to drink just to get rid of emotions. My mindset was that there must be something out there, whether a pill or alcohol, that will "cure" this feeling. That was obviously not the right way to think. Emotions are normal and sometimes you have good emotions and sometimes you have bad.

I think that AA gives you tools on how to cope with life, whether it be good or bad. Yes, I get bored in AA meetings and yes, I do get burnt out from it too. I basically just get burnt out on life. Every day seems redundant and the AA meetings sometimes seem to be a nuisance because I have to set 1-2 hours of my time to go to a meeting. Then there are times when I am grateful that I am in a meeting because I reflect on where I was and why I'm even doing AA. I come on here to read the newcomer's stories and their struggles and it makes me feel so fortunate that I have gone into recovery.

There might not always be straight answers to why you feel like this or like that but it will come in time. I try to go to meetings every day because I know that if I dont, i'm allowing my alcoholic mind to slowly take over again. This doesnt mean you have to go to a meeting every day but what I'm saying is that what you are feeling is normal. I'll admit that there have been stretches where I just got too "busy" for AA and I miss 3-4 days in a row without going.

Anyways, I just want to say that yes, what you are feeling is normal and i'll suggest some options for you.
1. If you feel that you are hearing the same things over and over, I suggest you try a different meeting (different time or different location). In my first 45 days, I kept going to the noon meeting and it was the same people. I swear I felt like I could recite exactly what they were going to say.
2. Recovery is recovery but you must be proactive in it. Not drinking or not using is not recovery hence my last 10 months of sobriety. So if AA is not for you, try another recovery program but just make sure that you are constantly being proactive in it.
3. Stop smoking the MJ because basically you are doing something called "cross addiction". Cross addiction is where you switch from one addiction and supplement it for another. It may also be that the MJ is affecting your current mood, i dont know but the MJ is just another addiction and it could lead you to relapse back on alcohol.
4. Keep updating on this forum and keep us posted with your decision. Being on here is being proactive in recovery. I have read posts where people on here use this as their recovery program and have stayed sober.

NewMe11109

Hi Berrytea -

As you've learned, just "not drinking" isn't enough. While "not drinking" is required for recovery, you won't recover just through abstinence.

For me, I used AA to help me build the tools to live. I found that by going to meetings, posting on SR, reading the Big Book, working with other alcoholics, I was not only able to remove most of my cravings for alcohol (and avoid the cross-addiction -- yes, you need to stop the MJ), but I was also able to learn how to think of other people first, be a better human being, and be happier.

You will hear a lot of sayings in AA, but it is true that you sometimes need to DO rather than THINK. We alcoholics have a broken "thinker" that just wants to get us in trouble. The steps lay out a roadmap for how to live a fulfilling life (not always happy, not void of problems, but fulfilling nonetheless).

A turning point for me was actually the 12th step -- working with other alcoholics. It is REALLY hard to drink after you've just helped another alcoholic. I find that I need AA regularly, but when I am feeling really down -- that is when I try to help others. Once you get your broken thinker focused on others, it is really hard to feel so sorry for yourself.

As one of my favorite old-timers always said "when life sucks, that is a great time to be of service to others."

Dee74

Hi berrytea - welcome to SR.

I'm not in AA, and I'm recovered, so AA is not essential to recovery.

A few things leapt out at me in your post...

marijuana got me in every bit as much trouble as booze...I don't see a difference between the two really, and personally I wouldn't claim any sort of recovery if I was using marijuana recreationally.

I would still be living my old life - the one that nearly killed me...just with a different drug of choice.

As for alcoholism not being for life...I don't believe that. I have enough experience gained over 20 years to know I never drank any other way but alcoholically.

I wasted every day of that 20 years hoping I was going to wake up one day and be able to drink normally. It's not going to happen and I'm better for off accepting that.

Berrytea, I'm thinking your problem may not be AA so much as this

I used to hate people too - until I came here, started working on who I'd like to be, and I realised that I actually hated myself.

Whatever way you do it, don't stop working on yourself - drinking and drugging will stop that process in a heartbeat - don't go back down that road.

D

Cornczech

"I used to hate people too - until I came here, started working on who I'd like to be, and I realized that I actually hated myself."

Dee- Ya hit it right on the head with that statement.......

berrytea

My problem isn't that I'm unhappy now, I'm very happy most of the time. Since going to treatment and AA I'm now wondering if I am more of a heavy problem drinker than an alcoholic. Becuase of my living situation, I have been surrounded by alcohol and people drinking it since the day I left rehab and have not been affected by it. No cravings...
Most of my problems predate my heavy drinking, and working on them is what I think will help me. I like AA and its program for spiritual growth, but without counseling and meditation, I doubt I would have stayed as long as I have. Just being sober for a day is not really a victory for me, I have no trouble not drinking or smoking. I took alot of time out of college and spent alot of money to free myself of the hold alcohol had over me, and I guess I feel that I'm moving past the "just don't drink" phase and need something more substantial to move out of this rut.

intention

Hi Berrytea and welcome.

Are you powerless over alcohol?

smacked

There's lots of recovery programs out there, maybe try something that works better for you, when you want to get sober.

NewMe11109

Hi BerryTea -

Only you can decide whether you are an alcoholic or not, but non-alcoholics (or heavy drinkers) don't normally have to go to 19 day treatment centers.

Your questioning of your alcoholism is normal. We have all done it. It is a symptom of the disease of alcoholism. It is also the first step towards relapse.

Go back and read all your earlier posts. Actively work on a program of recovery.

One of my favorite quotes about the "Am I an alcoholic?" question comes from the book Drinking: A Love Story by Caroline Knapp.

When you question your alcoholism, you say to yourself: If I am an alcoholic, I shouldn't drink and if I'm not an alcoholic, I don't need to. That's a nice piece of logic. You say: People who aren't alcoholics do not lie in bed at two-thirty in the morning wondering if they're alcoholics. A good reality check.

berrytea

I don't know anymore. That's part of my struggle. Before treatment, I never tried to go a day without drinking or anything like that. Not drinking never crossed my mind, so I don't have the experience of trying to abstain and finding myself unable to. The day I left and came back to my apartment, the entire bottom of the fridge was filled with beer, I was alone and knew that my roommates never counted cans and I could have gotten away with taking as much as I wanted. I didn't, and every day since then I've been confronted alcohol in the house no one keeps track of and have been offered drinks, I am still alcohol-free. I feel that if I was powerless over alcohol, I would not be able to handle this situation. I'm no where near pretentious enough to think that the work I've done in and out of treatment has "cured" me, so now I'm left wondering if I was an alcoholic in the first place.

Margareth

Maybe you just need to do something with all that alcohol free time (and yes you need to stop smoking MJ otherwise that is going to help you waste all that sober energy rich time just like alcohol used too).

Boredom and cynicism are major triggers to relapse. Remember not to get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired (HALT moment) and recognise those moments as supremely dangerous in your recovery.

One other thing; If you feel constantly angry with other people perhaps reading "The art of happiness" from the Dalai Lama is for you.

artsoul

Hi berry - After I went to treatment and had a few years of sobriety, I decided I wasn't really an alcoholic either. Looking back, I think I simply didn't want to be one. I wanted to drink like "normal" folks. It took years of trying moderation, but I failed in the end. What was your drinking pattern before treatment? In other words, if you weren't drinking alcoholically, how did you end up in treatment?

I agree that we have to address the underlying problems/attitudes, but everyone has some degree of mental/emotional issues and they don't deal with them the same way we do.

Impurrfect

((Berrytea)) - alcohol is not my "thing" (crack is), but I've known many an alcoholic. Was in love with one for more than 20 years. He could easily go without drinking for a set amount of time. He could "cut down" .... for a while. What he COULDN'T do was keep it up. He always went back to where one drink became 6 became 10 and so on and he became a totally different person.

HE questioned "am I an alcoholic", too...had a job, nice things, paid bills, etc. I have no idea where he is or what he's doing now..living life with him was toxic to me.

I'm pointing this out because, to me, it's where the "am I powerless" comes in to play. Can you drink just one or two beers and quit? Not think about it again? Just something to think about.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

intention

I think maybe before you consider leaving AA completely, as it has been helping you, then perhaps talk to your sponsor about how you feel about not being powerless. There's a lot of work a sponsor can do with a sponsee through the BB on this. Ultimately only you can decide how it is for you but some in depth work and discussion may give you some clarity.

I have to say that although you say that you never tried to go a day without drink, why did you not give up rather than go to rehab?

I hear people say "I have a disease which tells me I don't have a disease". This questioning happens with a lot of us. I would be very surprised if someone who could control their drinking would end up in rehab.

If you move away from AA, perhaps it would be a good idea to find something to replace it.....that's if you do want to stay sober. Good luck.

Taking5

Q: What circumstances lead to you going into a 19 day rehab? Did you feel powerless at that time?

Step 1 has 2 parts a) powerless over alcohol and b) our lives had become unmanageable.

In my experience, after a period of sobriety, our lives improve greatly, and manageability, to a large extent, has returned. However I forgot the first part of step 1 and relapsed. I forgot that I am STILL powerless over alcohol, even though it had been months since I had any.

My relapse damn near killed me. If you want to drink that is your business, but I ask you to consider if you have really "re-gained" power over alcohol.

Dee74

It's common to doubt whether we're alcoholics...I have had moment of doubt all through my recovery, especially in stressful times.

there's a kind of circular logic....if I can stop drinking, then maybe I'm not alcoholic....maybe I've learned control?

I've experienced that kind of rationalisation enough to know it's rubbish...I know now I'm an alcoholic who works hard to stay a non drinker.

I don't know what you are berrytea, but I tend to agree with others here that if your drinking put you into treatment the issue is unlikely to have spontaneously fixed itself.

Not impossible but unlikely.

D