The No contact didnt go so well
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Reality, NJ
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The No contact didnt go so well
So I begin anew. His familyasked me for help as his wife. He has a new mistress that he loves and is meeting her family this weekend and they have been going away etc. She doesnt know the truth of course. He says she doesnt drink but I am sure he is showering her with gifts and overcompensating in other ways. His family said he told them he is drinking more than ever and the lies are out of control adn he has the shakes and is blacking out. Yet he still goes to work. The lies are brutal.
So he told me he hated me and and loves her. So ok. I start again with no contact. If he is so happy with her than why is he drinking more than ever. His life of lying must be exhausting. I think I am done. I leave him to God and surrender. I have some plans. Back to focus on me. It may be tough with no contact for the next few months. Any suggestions would be helpful. I know one day I will wake up and be glad we no longer speak. Until that say comes I may need some help. I am going to stay with my parents for a bit to get rid of the loneliness. Of course I will pray like never before. And I pray God takes my desire away from loving him.
Thanks for listening.
Rollercoaster Lulu
So he told me he hated me and and loves her. So ok. I start again with no contact. If he is so happy with her than why is he drinking more than ever. His life of lying must be exhausting. I think I am done. I leave him to God and surrender. I have some plans. Back to focus on me. It may be tough with no contact for the next few months. Any suggestions would be helpful. I know one day I will wake up and be glad we no longer speak. Until that say comes I may need some help. I am going to stay with my parents for a bit to get rid of the loneliness. Of course I will pray like never before. And I pray God takes my desire away from loving him.
Thanks for listening.
Rollercoaster Lulu
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
I think going to stay with your parents is a great idea. Being surrounded with people you love will be healing....it's something I didn't have and I made it through. Still working, but made it through the really excrutiating part.
All I can say is all you can do is take it one day at a time. Time my dear, time.
Hugs
All I can say is all you can do is take it one day at a time. Time my dear, time.
Hugs
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 394
I'm lucky in that mine stays away and does not bother me. The only down side is the endless slander - that really bothers me because I know the truth. For instance I recall my ex used to say how hard I was on her during her pregnancy, still does in fact - and yet I have a very long heartfelt soliloquy from her apologising profusely for her treatment of me during that period, and begging forgiveness.
Funny how they conveniently forget things....and difficult to determine if they truly have forgotten or deliberately hit the ignore button when facts hit them in the face.
I guess my point being is we all realise what liars they are - they'll lie about things that don't make any sense. I get the feeling that this man is actually trying to rile you up. The thing is - you don't know. You don't know if he loves this woman, you don't know whether she drinks, you don't know if he's drinking more or whatever. How could you?
I take it you still have feelings for him, but why are you allowing yourself to be hurt like this?
Funny how they conveniently forget things....and difficult to determine if they truly have forgotten or deliberately hit the ignore button when facts hit them in the face.
I guess my point being is we all realise what liars they are - they'll lie about things that don't make any sense. I get the feeling that this man is actually trying to rile you up. The thing is - you don't know. You don't know if he loves this woman, you don't know whether she drinks, you don't know if he's drinking more or whatever. How could you?
I take it you still have feelings for him, but why are you allowing yourself to be hurt like this?
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Originally Posted by Duped 
I'm lucky in that mine stays away and does not bother me. The only down side is the endless slander - that really bothers me because I know the truth. For instance I recall my ex used to say how hard I was on her during her pregnancy, still does in fact - and yet I have a very long heartfelt soliloquy from her apologising profusely for her treatment of me during that period, and begging forgiveness.
Funny how they conveniently forget things....and difficult to determine if they truly have forgotten or deliberately hit the ignore button when facts hit them in the face.
I guess my point being is we all realise what liars they are - they'll lie about things that don't make any sense. I get the feeling that this man is actually trying to rile you up. The thing is - you don't know. You don't know if he loves this woman, you don't know whether she drinks, you don't know if he's drinking more or whatever. How could you?
I take it you still have feelings for him, but why are you allowing yourself to be hurt like this?
Funny how they conveniently forget things....and difficult to determine if they truly have forgotten or deliberately hit the ignore button when facts hit them in the face.
I guess my point being is we all realise what liars they are - they'll lie about things that don't make any sense. I get the feeling that this man is actually trying to rile you up. The thing is - you don't know. You don't know if he loves this woman, you don't know whether she drinks, you don't know if he's drinking more or whatever. How could you?
I take it you still have feelings for him, but why are you allowing yourself to be hurt like this?
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 385
Hi Lulu.
Alcohol(ism) was my solution to the awfulness of self-loathing. It was a toxic solution that might've killed me, as it eventually just magnified my self hatred with the progression of the illness. My behavior became worse, my lies...well, I could no longer really tell them from what might be true. I didn't have relationships, I took hostages. My entire life revolved around the fear that I really was unlovable, and that if I let down my guard, others would see me for the awful person I was.
My experience, and years of observing other alcoholics in recovery, is that self-loathing, and the fear of self discovery, is the real problem, and alcohol is the escape. So long as I hated myself there was no way I could ever love anyone else. It's pretty hard to discover and run away from yourself at the same time.<G>
AA turned that around by loving me no matter what, until I finally decided that maybe I was lovable after all. That's when everything began to change for me, and I was able to share that love with others....which made it ever stronger.
Until he comes f2f with his own demons of fearful self hatred, there will be little of genuine love or caring for him to offer anyone. Nor can he really accept love from others because he's convinced very deeply that he doesn't deserve it. IMO, the wisest....and most loving thing for you....is to do exactly what you are doing.
After all....you must love yourself before you can share love with others, and I'm hearing that this is the path you've chosen. I'm glad you've found this place that has so much love and support to share.
Remember....love never holds on. It is always willing to let go. It never punishes....always forgives.
blessings
zenbear
Alcohol(ism) was my solution to the awfulness of self-loathing. It was a toxic solution that might've killed me, as it eventually just magnified my self hatred with the progression of the illness. My behavior became worse, my lies...well, I could no longer really tell them from what might be true. I didn't have relationships, I took hostages. My entire life revolved around the fear that I really was unlovable, and that if I let down my guard, others would see me for the awful person I was.
My experience, and years of observing other alcoholics in recovery, is that self-loathing, and the fear of self discovery, is the real problem, and alcohol is the escape. So long as I hated myself there was no way I could ever love anyone else. It's pretty hard to discover and run away from yourself at the same time.<G>
AA turned that around by loving me no matter what, until I finally decided that maybe I was lovable after all. That's when everything began to change for me, and I was able to share that love with others....which made it ever stronger.
Until he comes f2f with his own demons of fearful self hatred, there will be little of genuine love or caring for him to offer anyone. Nor can he really accept love from others because he's convinced very deeply that he doesn't deserve it. IMO, the wisest....and most loving thing for you....is to do exactly what you are doing.
After all....you must love yourself before you can share love with others, and I'm hearing that this is the path you've chosen. I'm glad you've found this place that has so much love and support to share.
Remember....love never holds on. It is always willing to let go. It never punishes....always forgives.
blessings
zenbear
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 394
Originally Posted by lulu1974
I do still have feelings for him and never denied that. Yesterday I saw how sick he was..more importantly how sick I am. I do hope he gets better. Its just such a world of lies and I chickened out on the divorce for now. I need to be ready and I want him to do it. This way I can save some money.
lulu - I hate to break it to you, but this man does not love you, and I don't think you love him either.
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Originally Posted by Duped
I am somewhat surprised that you have feelings for him. Are you sure this isn't just ego? I mean, from the sounds of it there is little to love about this man. Perhaps I am being too flippant in that I came to the realisation that what I felt for my ex A was not love - but codependency, pity, and empathy. Once my heart and mind were on the same page I realised that I indeed did not love this person. How could I after the horrible things she did?
lulu - I hate to break it to you, but this man does not love you, and I don't think you love him either.
lulu - I hate to break it to you, but this man does not love you, and I don't think you love him either.
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Originally Posted by anvilhead
i would THINK the new lady in his life that he claims to love and is going to meet HER family would be a rather resounding message? i make it a rule in MY life to NEVER put my future in someone else's hands......especially not someone with a lousy track record for honesty, integrity and responsibility!
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If nothing changes, nothing changes. Just the other day you were so angry at him and decided that you had finally had enough of his nonsense. Now, you are back to feeling sorry for him and upset because he has found someone else. Just what would he have to do to move you to action regarding divorce?
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Lu, ((((hug)))
Let me say this, he does not love him. How can you love another when you totally hate your own being.
It's not about he loves you, you love him. He is trying to fill his empty voids now with everything.
I'm sure you do love him, but the rejection stings. When we are rejected, we want. If he were to come back begging, lying, doing what he's doing now, there would be little of the love you feel now, more like pity.
In my case, if my man was seeing someone else (and this has happened) that is enough for me to have NC for life. My pride keeps me focused.
Don't give him the pleasure of talking to you, knowing about your life.
Now the real process of grieving happens. Don't have contact with his parents either. They will just keep opening up your wound.
I know how much this hurts......here for you
Let me say this, he does not love him. How can you love another when you totally hate your own being.
It's not about he loves you, you love him. He is trying to fill his empty voids now with everything.
I'm sure you do love him, but the rejection stings. When we are rejected, we want. If he were to come back begging, lying, doing what he's doing now, there would be little of the love you feel now, more like pity.
In my case, if my man was seeing someone else (and this has happened) that is enough for me to have NC for life. My pride keeps me focused.
Don't give him the pleasure of talking to you, knowing about your life.
Now the real process of grieving happens. Don't have contact with his parents either. They will just keep opening up your wound.
I know how much this hurts......here for you
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Originally Posted by suki44883
If nothing changes, nothing changes. Just the other day you were so angry at him and decided that you had finally had enough of his nonsense. Now, you are back to feeling sorry for him and upset because he has found someone else. Just what would he have to do to move you to action regarding divorce?
Another reason I am discovering is that his actions are affecting my self worth. I called my therapist today. Hopefully I can process all that happened. Still crawling but trying....
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I really feel a new job and going back to NYC and having my old life back will help me. I hate my current job and he always got me through the day and I am just done. I need new and I need change. Is that a whimpy way out?
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Originally Posted by lulu1974
I really feel a new job and going back to NYC and having my old life back will help me. I hate my current job and he always got me through the day and I am just done. I need new and I need change. Is that a whimpy way out?
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Originally Posted by lulu1974
I do still have feelings for him and never denied that. Yesterday I saw how sick he was..more importantly how sick I am. I do hope he gets better. Its just such a world of lies and I chickened out on the divorce for now. I need to be ready and I want him to do it. This way I can save some money.
Being married to a lying, cheating alcoholic is an ongoing expense. And not just in terms of money.
L
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Originally Posted by anvilhead
I pray for God to take my desire away.
He's probably waiting til you LET GO of it first!
God/HP cannot remove from us what we are not fully WILLING to have removed. God/HP is not in the enabling biz......He will NEVER do for us what we are fully capable of doing for OURSELVES.
He's probably waiting til you LET GO of it first!
God/HP cannot remove from us what we are not fully WILLING to have removed. God/HP is not in the enabling biz......He will NEVER do for us what we are fully capable of doing for OURSELVES.Member
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
If you think staying married to a lying, cheating alcoholic will save you money, you are fooling yourself. Getting a divorce costs a fixed amount of money, depending on your circumstances.
Being married to a lying, cheating alcoholic is an ongoing expense. And not just in terms of money.
L
Being married to a lying, cheating alcoholic is an ongoing expense. And not just in terms of money.
L
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