Trying2Fly

Well, the sh*t completely hit the fan tonight (AGAIN)--World War 3 via email from my parents.

Mom writes with an "I miss hearing from you!" followed by frowny-face emoticon.

I write back that I miss her, love her, but am feeling sad / hurt / confused by her previous reaction to my request for boundaries from AS and her issues. I leave it with "when you're ready to talk, contact me".

Mom writes back RAGING--how I completely misunderstood her, how I am wrong, how I "don't get it", how the family must stick together, how my sister and her issues should come first right now, how I don't understand AS, etc. etc. etc.

Made me really angry, needless to say. Such complete and total bullsh*t.

I wrote back a calm email, expressing my hurt over her misunderstanding of my POV. Ended it with, "until we can talk about this calmly and rationally and learn to respect each other's POVs, I'm afraid I cannot continue in this pattern. Love, Trying2Fly".

Feeling angry and upset that I allowed her to make me...well, angry and upset! Feeling angry that they choose to channel their frustration and anger onto me (or, I should say, attempt to).

I guess all I can do is stay strong and stick to my guns.

Taking5

You did a great job of responding calmly and rationally when your instinct may have been to strike back. Just keep doing the right thing.

dollydo

To be honest, your mother sounds like a toxic person who has anger issues.

You cannot change her, you can only change you, and, that is what you are doing, changing you.

Left, right, left, right, keep moving forward.

Dolly

Trying2Fly

I agree Dollydo...she has major issues. She sounds exactly like her own mother (toward whose memory she is bitter and hostile). No reasoning with someone like that (just like you can't reason with an alcoholic).

Freedom1990

My mother will tell everyone she doesn't get angry...she gets upset. It was not okay to express anger in the home while I was growing up, yet there was always an undercurrent of anger there.

My mother gets very angry when in toxic mode, rages much like you described with your mother. She won't say it to my face, but will write these horribly long, searing letters. I toss them in the trash without reading them (she doesn't do email or the internet at all).

It's critical for me to have a strong conscious contact with my higher power because when I don't, that scared little girl inside of me is vulnerable, and she gets hit hard with my mother's words.

Stand firm in your boundaries. Take time to acknowledge that wounded little girl inside and reassure her she will be okay!
:ghug3 :ghug3

stella27

Something I learned here:

Anger is a gift. It is a loud signal to you that someone is trying to trample your boundaries.

You are doing exactly right. be respectful, but stand your ground. ((hugs))

ElegantlyWasted

Sounds like you're doing great... Don't get angry at getting angry. You choose to engage this situation on terms that make sense to you. As best I've figured out so far... Nothing wrong with a little anger, it is a healthy emotion when we channel it constructively. You have every right to feel it. The trick is not to act upon it in ways that compromise what you are trying to accomplish. I did a great cbt worksheet that tied initial anger into the reason why your feeling it. Basically we have both rational and irrational anger responses. From what you said your reaction was honest and in control. Again, don't beat yourself up by getting angry at getting angry. Hope every thing works out in a constructive way for all involved. Just my take... Can you turn off the fan and use a painter's drop cloth; easier to clean up JK. Hope everything else is well.

sesh

For the longest time for some reason I used to think that my mum and I have to be on the same page on everything. I had problems with her disagreeing with me, I needed her to approve of me. And she did most of the time because I always did what she wanted me to do. At some point I stopped doing that, and she was acting very hurt, and I was affected by it, so I kept trying to prove my point. And than some time later I got tired of it, or I just started looking at her differently. I just accepted she does not share my outlook on the world, I kind of started thinking of her as of someone with limited perception on things. And I stopped caring. The less I cared, and the less she could provoke me, the more she was respecting me and my opinions.
Now we get along just fine, whenever she starts talking rubbish, I hit ignore button so to speak.
Just the other day she told me in a very partonizing way I shouldn't have told my kids AH has moved out, she said I should have told them he's away on the business, and they wouldn't even notice (notice what exactly, that they have dad???) and blah, blah, blah.
So I just said: talk to you later when you start making sense. And I hung up.

And if anything it gave me the boost of confidence, as it made me think, Well, Sesh, considering this is the type of BS you grew up with you turned out more than fine.

When I started to write this post I had a point to make, but now, being distracted as I am right now, I lost it somewhere, I think...

Trying2Fly

Thank you everyone for your persectives; you all give me so much strength. I concentrated on having a productive day at work, and my students helped me put the focus on my life. I bought some songs on iTunes to cheer myself up. And now I plan to go home and take a long nap with my cat, who is really good at providing warmth and comfort. Will keep you all updated as I go on...I think no contact is all I can do for now.

SlvrMag

Trying2Fly, I was thinking about you this morning.

I can relate to your situation up to a point. My little brother (who is 26, I'm 38) has been an irresponsible little child all his life. My other siblings and I talk amongst ourselves about why mom enables him, babies him, never let's him feel his own consequences.

Mom does not involve us in the situations, but if we DARE ask her why she cushions his fall every time, THEN she gets pissed and defensive. He is her baby and can do no wrong it seems.

I just stay out of it. I've learned my lesson about trying to talk to my mom about it!

Anyways, just wanted to say that your post struck close to home for me!

Trying2Fly

Wow, SlvrMag, you are right--I see definite parallels between our two stories. Thanks for posting. Sending you good thoughts.

dreamstones

Trying2Fly,

Ah, the old enabling parent arguements, don't you just love them??

You are taking a great approach, you need to take care of yourself first. Mom sounds like she is trying to control the entire situation with you and AS, it just doesn't work as we all know in this forum!

I was in same situation with Mom, as much as I tried to point out how her enabling and controlling was hurting my AS, I kept getting the same response, "she is my daugther and I'm trying to protect her". This came from a woman who attends Al-Anon regularly, so that really set me off in many ways.

Keep focused on you, enjoy life as you can, keep finding the peace as you are doing. Music, cat cuddling, reading, excercising, or whatever, just take care of you and try to stay away from the "crazy place" that can capture us all.

Trying2Fly

Thanks, dreamstones. It is so helpful to hear from others who are experiencing the same thing. hugs to you.